The life of an artist and author and adventure-seeker icon-collector. Stop in, enjoy my blog, use icons, and comment! http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/ en-us Homeschool Blogger Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:17:00 -0500 Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:17:00 -0500 Climbed Mount Mansfield in Vermont yesterday with my Dad and his friend. We left Sunday afternoon to drive up, than spent the night in a hotel. We were going to just sleep in the car and pitch a tent, but my dad's friend didn't like that idea too much, so he bought a room and paid for it. haha. Vermont is beautiful. I wish I could live in those timeless rolling mountains. We started Mansfield at 8 o'clock AM and ended at 1:00. So that's not so bad for 10 miles and three peaks. The top of the mountain was so windy, but the sun was bright. The air was cool and crisp. Energy bars taste so good on mountain-tops, and so does south-african passion-fruit juice. On the way back down my dad and I ran, letting momentum carry us. It was wicked fun: leaping and dodging, running and sliding, gliding off boulders. Smooth, without letting the impact of your movement jolt your body. Graceful. Kinda parkour-style. My dad goes so fast. He's like a mix between a deer and a mountain goat. xD [I luv my dad] I didn't get out-of-breathe on the way down 'cause I was so adrenaline-rushed. It was wonderful. Yesterday was a great day. Friday is my birthday. I'll be seventeen. Boo-yay. xD The next two days after my birthday I work. *stress* School isn't going so well, either. Nothing new, though. Old fears getting confirmed. I've been busy, which is good. Keeps my mind and thoughts active for most of the day. Not so intro-destructive. Bleh. This time of year is beautiful. The air is gradually getting colder. Some days, when you breathe, you can feel the air entering your lunges. And when you breathe out, you can see it hanging like smoke in the air. Makes me feel so alive. I love the feel of the cold on your skin. Reminds me, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive.... The trees are turning such bright colors. God is so amazing, bringing beauty to death like He did with the trees. I also like the bare trees: the branches that cut such jagged lines across the sky-line. Cracked broken fingers, groping for the heavens. And the snow, laying like a soft moist blanket on the earth. Makes the woods so quiet when you walk through them. Like a dream-land. Fall and winter are my inspiration months. They make me feel the most. Beauty. God bless you all. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/730009/ Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:17:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/730009/         Fear is: an expressionless face. Gray eyes that know without looking. A cold dampness smothing the back of your mind. A kid in the corner. Gray. Cold. Clammy skin. A motionless pond in an empty place.The Avoident truth. A dreadfull knowingness. Shifting shadows. Stiffled breathe.   I don't understand most things. I'm realizing that i don't need to understand most things. That I never will understand. That no one does. No one ever will. All I need to do is cling to God and stick to what I knew to be true. (Don't question in the dark what you knew in the light.) But in the waves and in the wind sometimes I wonder if I am still clutching to the same thing that I was before, if I have lost my grip. Or if it is only the numbness in my fingers that makes me question what it is that I hold onto, because I am past the stage of feeling.   And I know that the problem is only with me, since everyone else goes around with the sun warming their steps. But sometimes I wonder if there isn't some overlooked truth in the state of dissillusionment.   Ah, and I can't forget. I can't stop questioning. And all the unanswered questions swirl around in a mocking stream of doubts. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/726786/ Mon, 14 Sep 2009 13:07:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/726786/ Random unimportant updates on my life: Well, life has been pretty smooth lately. Getting ready to start school. I have classes online, on Potters School, this year. Don't know how I feel about that. I'm semi-glad to be starting school again, because it will keep me busy... less time to mope around and feel sorry for myself. ;) But it's still school. And my last year. And I honestly have no idea what I will do next year. So I try to avoid thinking about it. I've been drawing. A lot. Like my life counts on it. I want to upload stuff onto the computer, but I don't have a scanner. I created a new character. Quin. And I've been drawing him a lot. My style is kind of realistic manga. Yeah.  ^_^ I usually don't draw all that much, except to sketch a little when I'm bored, and it's nice to be diving into drawing. I started Judo the other day.  It is sooo good to get back into martial arts. I actually have another class tonight. It's a ground-fighting martial arts, involving throws, falls, and wrestling. The teacher scares me really bad. Aahaha. And not just because he's so blunt. [And he is that.]   This sounds mean, but I'm saying it 'cause he's not here to kill me: he looks like a mix between Bilbo Baggins and a Sith Lord. Like, seriously. He scares the crap outta me. 0.0   Anyway, judo itself is really awesome. It's my favorite kind of martial art, and I knew beforehand that ground-fighting was what I really needed. Wrestling is the awkward part. You do it with  people of all ages and ranges of experience, and you have to stay close up to the body, with no space between you. But once you know pressure points and grabs it gets easier... more like actual fighting than trying to stay out of a defenseless position for as long as possible. Last time I was told by the teacher that I was strong and fast. Like, ding dong! Applesauce. Spiders crawling up your back. Static in brain. Head shoots up, chest shoots out, heart skips a couple beats.... Honestly, complements like those are the ones that go straight to my head, even if it was given by Bilbo Baggins. Never give me a complement like that. I have to fight it down for a long time after. Yesterday I went to a sleepover. Full of girls that I only half-knew or didn't know at all. And now I think I've had enough of girls to last me a lifetime! *gags dramatically* "Childish, why are you so quiet and antisocial? Come closer and talk with us!" Me: [thinking: It is quite amusing to watch and observe utter stupidity at a high-energy level. ] *looks up and gives stupid grin* Oh, okay. I don't know much about pregnant men and movie stars, but...." haha. jk. But honestly, they start talking about nail-polish, and end up talking about steroids and rubber-duckies in a two-minute period of time, practically. And I just.... don't know how to do that. 0.0 To be fair, they are extremely nice girls. I'm just extra odd, I guess. *Sigh* But I'm doing well. I adjusted back into my normal American life very quickly after getting back from Malawi. No deep depressions like India did to me... tore me up, like a radical trauma, marking a turning point in my life that I couldn't get over for the longest time. God's been really close to me. He's showed me that nothing I could ever do, or imagine, or become will ever separate me from His love or even make it any less. Do you know how amazing that is? God loves you just as much as He loves a serial killer, or a prostitute, or the worst sinner out there. His love knows no bounds. No human could love you like that. Even when you are in sin, even when you are lost in a storm, even when you have turned your back on Him, He has not turned His back on you. He cannot deny Himself. His blood has power beyond our human comprehension. How dare we say, "I can't go back to God now. He can't forgive this sin again. I've been coming back with this same filth uncountable time. This time He won't forgive me." He died for that sin, shed His own blood, gave His own life. For you. Nothing can separate us from His love. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/721574/ Fri, 28 Aug 2009 10:48:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/721574/ I'm going to try to write, just because I need to get things out... but in truth, I feel so lost right now. There is no way I could even try to process everything that happened. Everything was so vast. A lot of stuff just went right over my head. Things are coming back to me now that I am home, like pieces of a puzzle being fit together, scenes and sensations flying through my mind.  I am able to remember things that I had forgotten.... or pushed out of my mind... or that went over my head. And it is overwhelming. I just arrived home from Malawi, Africa yesterday. I remember.... The first village we visited. (Or was it the second?) We went door-to-door doing evangelism, mud hut to mud hut. Sharing the Gospel, praying for people. The whole village got saved that day. But that happened throughout the whole trip. Whole villages excepting Jesus. That day, a family was dying of aids. An old man and an old women. Limbs like tooth-picks. And a young child, maybe two years old. They sat on a read mat in the dust. Dying. Foster, our translator, said that their bodily protection had been used up.... Bald patches of hair missing from their heads, open festering sours, missing teeth, flies everywhere.... in their mouth, corners of their eyes, covering their sours... They were Christians, but no longer prayed. They had lost hope. I remember feeling so hopeless as well. --- Thinking things like, O my God, this family is dying. How could they pray or have hope? How could you let this happen to them? This is like hell on earth. What could I possibly say to them? It's hopeless. I felt God stirring in me. And I knew that He loved that family. I didn't understand, or pretend to understand. But I knew I had to tell them of God's love. I shared Psalm 139 with them. .....How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You..... And I realized as I spoke that I didn't need to understand. God understood. And in heaven, there was no more pain, no more suffering. I laid hands on them, and I prayed for them. Things like this are hard to comprehend. I laid hands on a family dying of aids. They couldn't understand what I said. But they closed their eyes and prayed along. And when it was time to go, they said they now had hope. That day we prayed over a possessed child, screaming with rolling eyes. And when we were done, the child was still and calm. That day, we prayed for a sick woman. And when we were done, she said she was no longer sick.... That day they sang and danced for us under the setting sun and the rising moon. They lifted up their voices and praised God. Children with bloated bellies, old men and women who could hardly walk.... they all danced and sang for us with superhuman energy. God did things like this every day, using every member of my team. This was only one of the first days. And this is what I remember for now. I will share more later, as things come to me. ... And I am so tired. And sad... but happy. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/717544/ Sat, 15 Aug 2009 08:25:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/717544/ Up to now, I haven't felt very confident about this trip to Africa. But today is packing day, and as I put all my stuff together it seems more real to me. The trip is finally here!  And I am excited today, really for the first time.  I am so excited to be used by God, to feel Him flowing through me. I want to feel that again. It's harder in America with all the materilaism. At home it's so easy to retreat into my safety bubble. But in Malawi and Mozambique they don't have anything--- not even enough food to live on, never mind an empty water bottle or a scrap of paper. I am going to be out of my comfort zone, and when I don't have anything to cling to but God, I find that I am safer and more alive than I have ever been before.   I have four skirts and shirts to bring. Which should be plenty for two weeks. I had 2 outfits in India that I swapped every day, and I lived that way for a month. And I'll have an opportunity to wash clothes in Malawi. There's even a shower. I don't think there's hot water, but a shower sure beats bathing out of a bucket. And I have plenty of power-bars in case there is no food in the villages. And a waterbottle purifier. (Those things are amazing! You stick this pen in your water bottle of, say, swamp water, it zaps it with some ultraviolet light, and you can drink it.) My goal is to not have to put anything into my suitcase except a sheet and a pillow-case. I have a backpack and a purse, which should fit everything I have packed. Suitcases to Malawi get lost, and sometimes you don't get them back, either. Next Saturday I leave. That's exactly one week.   Life is a journey. It leads to heaven. Or hell, depending on if you know Jesus. Many things happen on this journey. Some things are good, some things are bad. When you are a Christian, God is with you wherever you are, helping you on your journey, even when it doesn't seem like it. Sometimes you make mistakes and sin, and this leads to destruction eventually. He never leaves you, but it's as if you turn your back on Him. Instead of Him guiding your steps, you are choosing your own way. And though it may seem easier at first, it never turns out easy later on. But God is always there, ready to take you back and fill you with His grace. Sometimes your path crosses the path of others on this journey of life. Then you have a chance to tell others where they are going in the end---hell. And you can share Jesus with them. And if this happens, they have a chance to change the destination of their journey. You are setting them on a new journey, to heaven. And God will guide them just like He is guiding you. I http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/711320/ Sat, 25 Jul 2009 15:03:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/711320/                   I went on a trip to Maine with my family, and we just got back last night at 3 o'clock AM after driving all night in the pouring rain.   It was a really amazing trip. I didn't realize how much I missed Maine until I went up again. My parents visited friends up there that they hadn't seen in over 15 years, some of them, and it was really cool. We drove up in our fifteen passenger van.  And we got keyed, like, twice and we were only up there for four days! All those crazy New-Age Global-Warming people don't realize we have seven children and need the space. ;D   Anyway. Before I left, my friend basically forced me to bring his camera. Because I "have an artistic eye". It's a serious camera with a 55 range zoom. He gave me a memory card that's 16 gb. 0.0 And then he gave me a bunch more memory. He said, "I want to see at least a thousand pictures when you get home." I was like.... "0.0" But I ended up taking over 700. It's an incredible camera. Anyway, we drove all around Maine visiting tons of different people and walking around towns and visiting all the little shops. We ate out a lot (we never eat out) and we ate a ton of ice cream and drank A LOT of coffee. Maine is the closest thing on the East Cost that looks like Washington where I was born, said my parents. And it is beautiful. Lakes and bays and oceans and islands and docks and boats everywhere!   Once we stopped at a dock. And there was this HUGE sail boat out on the water with red sails. But you could hardly see it. I zoomed in really close with my camera and I was like, "What kind of ship has a black flag?" 0.0 And it ended up being an old re-make of a pirate ship that they took tourists out on. But we didn't know that until after. So it was cool and freaky. We visited our sailor friend who is a pastor as well. He has a white beard, bronze-tanned skin, and he's built like a fisherman. We see him every couple of years or so. It was sooo good to see him again. I love that guy. His house is like a museum. It's an exact replica of a 1700's colonial on the outside and on the inside with a twinge of sailor. Anything modern is hidden away. Then We went out to eat with him. Clam and bread by the ocean. Soooo goood. We drove home that night. It rained so hard I couldn't believe it. We only inched along on the high-way. There was car-crashes everywhere, but we made it home. Dad drank coffee  to stay awake. haha. We couldn't find a coffee shop, so we forced dad to go to mcdonalds to get the organic coffee that they have. And he was like, "There's no way I'm going into that place!" He thinks it'll kill him or something. But he went finally. And he liked the coffee. It was funny.I'm gonna miss Maine a lot. And so now we're home. We just finished unpacking everything. Which is a long process. And now I have to re-pack. This time for Malawi, Africa. I leave the first of August and I am supposed to be completely packed by Sunday. (Which is not gonna happen.) I try to be excited about it, but every time I think about it I get really anxous. I don't know why. I didn't sign up for Malawi. My parents signed me up. And of course I wanted to go, but I was hoping God would intervene and"call" me in a way that I would know that He wants me without a doubt.  But that didn't really happen. And I'm going anyway. And Malawi isn't India. I had looked forward to India for years and I was called in an extreme way. And that hasn't happened this time. Idk. Malawi is coming up sooo soon. And I know God has a plan, even if I don't see it now. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/710974/ Fri, 24 Jul 2009 12:08:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/710974/ I'm really sorry I haven't written anything in a while, guys. Thank you for the comments. =) Today I went on my first ambulance call ever! It was amazing. The accident took place just down the street from the fire-house. An old lady (she was 92) ad fallen down the last step at the Prancing Pony restaurant. She had pain in her left shoulder and a mild laceration on her face. We put her on a backboard, loaded her onto the ambulance, and brought her to the hospital. A paramedic met us in another town and came aboard, too.  It was amazing. I didn't do anything at all other than hold stuff, because this was my first time. But I got to watch them do everything, like attain the medical history and fill out papers, and all that. So I think I can be a little more helpful next time. The lady was fine. Completely coherent, she chatted the whole time to the hospital as if she was talking with some friends over a cup of tea. I did good, too. xD I got an adrenaline rush when my pager went off, but that only lasted a minute or so. Mostly I just hung back so as not to get in the way and watched everything. And then I walked the two-some miles home from the ambulance. Or more like skipped, I was so happy. And it feels good to be happy. And now I'm gonna eat something, 'cause I didn't have much of anything all day, and I got to get ready to go to youth group tonight. I'll try to blog more often. Thanks everyone for the comments. ^_^ http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/706598/ Thu, 9 Jul 2009 15:23:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/706598/ I just wrote a bit of story that I finished a second ago, and I thought I'd post it 'cause I had so much fun writing it. ^_^  And no, I don't know what a burning building looks like inside. But now I wish I did. _________ When consciousness returned, he found himself lying on the ground. The warm smell of manure and hey drifted into his nostrils. It was a relaxing familiar smell, filled with good memories and sunshine. He wanted to lie there forever, just like that. But there was a bad memory lurking at the corners of his mind, like a very recent dream. Only he could not recall it to mind. There was urgency in the memory, making his heart palpitate and causing adrenaline to fill his veins. He got to his knees and looked around. He was in an old but solidly built barn. There was a funny feeling in the air, and everything looked blurry. It took him a moment to realize that the room was filled with smoke. He could see it wafting through the air in wispy gray streaks, like ghosts. Queer beams of light played lazily across the ground. And then the bad memory surfaced. Panic hit him so hard that for a moment he couldn’t even breathe. Adrenaline skyrocketed through him, filling his brain with static. In two strides he was by the door of the barn. He grabbed the latch with his hands and yanked. Even though he could tell in a moment that it was locked, he kept on pulling it. He tried to yell for help, but the yell stuck in his dry throat. When it finally came out it sounded raspy and high pitched, hardly audible. He let go of the latch and ran to the opposite corner of the barn. It was hot there, really hot. The air seemed to tremble. Or maybe it was melting with the heat. He couldn’t breathe. Too much smoke. He felt the wall with his hands, carefully feeling along the wooden panels with his fingers for a weak spot, trying to stay calm. He went faster, faster, scanning the walls, until he went around the whole barn. Any sense of calmness deserted him, then. Desperate now, he kicked at the wood, screaming for help as loud as he was able. The wall wouldn’t give and met with fierce resistance, but he kicked anyway, ignoring the pain that shot up his leg. When he couldn’t kick anymore, he dropped onto his knees with exhaustion. He gasped in breathe. The air was a bit clearer down there near the ground. He could see the smoke circling above his head; see the light that danced around, the shimmering of flame. O my God, O my God, O my God... he repeated again and again. O my God, they locked me in a barn and set it on fire... O my God, it’s so hot and I can hardly breathe... O my God, I’m about to die... There was an inexplicable sensation of calm, just enough to give him strength again. He tore the bottom of his shirt into a strip and tied it around his mouth, ready to try again.  Crawled along the wall, he examined the wood. And then he noticed something that he hadn’t seen before: a knot hole. Light--- pure, pristine daylight--- seeped through. He pressed his lips around the hole and sucked in air. It tasted sweet, less polluted than what was in the closed walls of the barn. God, I have to get out... he pleaded. And then, standing and holding his breathe, he began to kick at the knot. To his extreme relief, a piece broke away, nearly the size of his head. He dropped to his knees again, sucked in more air, and kept on kicking. Another piece broke away. He stooped, put his head and neck through. The wood stopped at his shoulders. He hunched them and began to wiggle like a worm. For a moment the sickening realization that he might be stuck brought about a new wave of panic. But, little by little, he slipped through. The wood scraped at his skin and tore at his clothes. After his chest his hips came easier, and then his legs slid without a problem. And he was free. The air never tasted so sweet: better than anything he had ever known before. Behind him, big orange flames licked at the roof of the barn and ugly black smoke wafted into the air. He was so relieved that he nearly laughed. His legs were shaky, like jello. But he forced them into a trot, and then a run. He ran all the way across the field to the woods and collapsed at the root of a large oak tree, away from the smoke and heat and flame. O my God! he cried again, this time in complete thanksgiving.   http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/701192/ Sun, 21 Jun 2009 17:52:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/701192/ The other day my friend, Chelsea, and I were "on call" for the ambulance for the very first time. We decided to hang around in the center of town so we could be close by the ambulance.  In the car driving to town, my friend Chelsea said, "I hope we don't do anything embarrassing!" To which I scoffed and and said, "We probably won't even get a call. What could we possibly do embarrassing?" Little did I know. 0.0 We were a quarter of a mile away from the ambulance, on the other side of town. (I live in a really small town.) We were skateboarding. (Or, rather, attempting skateboarding) when our pagers went off with a little ding-de-ding-de-ding! I dropped my skateboard. We both looked at each-other, mouths open. It was really cool. I got tunnel-vision and everything. Then, without a word, we both started running. We ran so fast down the main-road side-walk. I was ahead, arms and legs pumping, feeling the exhilaration surging through me. I could dimly sea cars driving past, faces looking at us in amazement, wondering why two teens were running down the road as if a bolder was about to flatten us. I felt really good. I wanted to laugh at the people. This is what it's all about! I wanted to yell. We arrived at the firehouse, gasping and wheezing so hard that we probably nearly became patients ourselves. Just as we were nearing the door, a lady (I don't know her) opened it up. She was walking out into the parking lot. But we thought she was opening the door for us. I remember a look of surprise and confusion on her face as we raced past her without a word. We ran into the garage where the ambulance is. No one was there yet, we had ran so fast. Chelsea wondered if we should open the garage door so that we could be completely ready. I told her that we should just wait until someone else arrived. So we did, counting the seconds down. We waited by the back door, peering out the window. Mrs. J, a lady on the ambulance, pulled up a few second later. We opened the door for her, gasping out how glad we were to finally see her.  "What are you girls doing here?" she asked. Which kind of made us freeze in silence. "Our pagers went off," we finally said. "We ran all the way from the other side of town." And then she laughed! "Oh, that was the tone-tester. Didn't you know they had a tone-tester at this time?" And, well, we got out of there pretty quick. And there wasn't any more "calls" that day. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/700297/ Thu, 18 Jun 2009 12:37:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/700297/   I don't haved much to say, just figured I should do another entry.  Let me restate that: I don't have anything to say, I just figured I should do another entry. ^_^ I volinteered at a rabies clinic today for a couple hours, 'cause my friend talked me into it. And the vet guy giving the shots brought his dog, and he made me watch it the whole intire time. I didn't even do anything, just watched this stupid dog that was spoiled and untrained to the point where my hands are blistered where the leash tore the skin on my fingers. The vet treated his dog like he was some sort of god, and called him, "my kid" so that I was afraid I would get in trouble if I yanked too hard on the leash or something. I hate it when people treat their pets like they're human. o.o I mean, I love dogs, but they're only dogs. I was so mad. But whatever. I'm better now, after eating a mug of chunky chocolate ice cream (God's gift to earth.) And my legs are so freakin' sore today 'cause yesterday I was practicing parkour. Which is really surprising to me since I have really muscled legs. Ah well. (If anyone knows what parkour is, let's talk, 'cause no one seems to know what it is!) And that's my little rant for now. xD       http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/698720/ Sat, 13 Jun 2009 14:15:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Childish/698720/