Life With Puddles - Homeschool Blogger

Legalism

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:24:00 -0500

I'm beginning to think that legalism is the root of all kinds of evil. We often think we are impervious to it, but clearly we are not. It infiltrates our subconscious and colors the lens through which we view others and ourselves. It causes us to act in ways which are inconsistant with our beliefs and contradictory to our hearts. It places a price tag on that which is free and keeps us from ever walking in victory.

More lethally, it keeps others from having a relationship with Jesus. Other people latch onto our particular brand of legalism, and follow along, looking the part. But, in a moment where true relationship would keep them from disaster, the rules of legalism just force them underground.

Meet Julie, a married mom of a 3 1/2 year-old daughter. She comes from "a religious family" (her words). After struggles with both primary and secondary infertility, she finds herself pregnant with a much wanted little boy. Unfortunately, Juie discovered from amniocentesis that her son is sporting an extra chromosome. Down syndrome was not part of the plan and she is terrified. She also admits that she is very, very angry at God for playing "this cruel joke" on her.

Julie wants an abortion. But, she is struggling with that decision because of her "religious family." The only person that she has shared her son's diagnosis with is her sister, who is championing that Julie and her husband will do a great job raising a child with Ds. Julie has not shared with her the desire/plan to terminate, because she is worried that her sister will "think less of her."

I can't help but wonder. If Julie's family were less religion and more relationship, would that make a difference in this situation? If she were not worried about judgement from them for breaking the rules, would she be able to share her heart and be heard? Would the love and support of her family change the outcome for both Julie and her baby? Would she have already come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ?

If she had relationship with Jesus, instead of a desire to keep up appearances, she would already be convinced that, because God loves her and her son, He must have a plan for her precious baby's life that includes his extra genetic material. She would know that he is being knit together in secret for a purpose, and that he is being created in the image of her God. Termination might have been her gut reaction to the mind-numbing fear, but it would have garnered no serious consideration.

What about the rest of us? Are we living according to some moral code that applies to other people's situations? Do we know that abortion is wrong because it just is...and because we would never find ourseves in a situation where we would be tempted? Or do we know it's wrong because of a gut-wrenching knowledge of the Father's heart? Can we be real with the Julies of this world and say, "I know your fear. I've had it, too. I, too, just wanted to make it go away," and then encourage them that God knows, and that only He can bring them peace?

Or do we shake our heads and click our tongues and declare, "I could never do that to my baby," knowing that it is unlikely that we would ever find ourselves in that situation.

It is easy for me to sit on this side of it and judge. Today I find myself judging the unknown "you" that are steeped in legalism, reacting only to the intent and not responding to the heart. Tomorrow, in my frustration, I will judge the sinner, too. I will be so frustrated and feel so helpless that I could not make her see the truth, when the truth is not mine to reveal. I will feel holier than thou because I'm living this life, and she chose to throw it away.

How is that different? Unfortunately, it's not. If I had a living, breathing Julie in my life, I would hold her hand and let her cry. I would listen as she processed. I would validate her feelings and pray with her. I would lovingly share truth with her and pour everything I had into her. And then, if in her fear she chose wrongly, I would walk away in disgust and horror.

When will my eyes be Yours, Lord? When will I hear with Your ears? How long must I live this selfish life? Why does it always come back to my foolish pride? I pray for grace, dear Lord. Grace to love my brand of unlovables. I pray for grace to own the mercy you have so freely given me, so that I can freely give it. Change my heart of stone.

Random Thoughts of Sadness

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 02:53:00 -0500

I think since I've neglected this blog for so long, it's probably safe to be brutally honest. I'm up late. Can't sleep and don't have a journal handy.

I went to a ladies' meeting and just made a complete dork out of myself. Do you ever catch yourself talking too much and think, "Shut up! Just. shut. up." but you can't seem to stem the tidal wave of words? Probably not. Happens to me more often than I'd like.

I went seeking an answer to a question I've been asking myself. Toward the end of the meeting, someone made a statement that I questioned.

Out loud.

I felt completely and needlessly jumped on for questioning that thought. I did what I usually do when the pressure's on and I want to be liked: I backed down.

Funny thing is, I still don't understand. It still doesn't make sense to me. I have Scriptures that say exactly what I tried to explain, but they didn't hear or allow for discussion.

Sigh. Won't be doing that again.

It hurts. I just want to retreat and lick my wounds. I feel so raw. Not from tonight. I feel like I've been on the frontlines for so long. I'm sad to say that some of it is because of my darling boy. I am worn out. He is amazing and wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for anything, but I advocate and educate all. the. time. And I will be doing it forever. I read amazing articles about people with Down syndrome, followed by nasty, vile comments. So many actually believe that it is irresponsible to carry a baby with Down syndrome to term. And it wounds me a little every time I read it. I want to retreat. But this is my life now. I am the mom of a child with special needs and I will be fighting for him and for kids like him until the day I die.

But, for now, I think I'll stay away from ladies' meetings.

New Blog

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 07:17:00 -0500

Since I do such a great job on keeping up with this blog (snort!), I've decided to start another one. The new one will be mostly about Simeon and Down syndrome. Another mom of a kid with Ds encouraged me to do this. Her blog has been such an encouragement to me, so I took her advice to heart.

The new blog is: www.simeonstrail.blogspot.com Please drop by and visit me over there. I will try to continue to post here about random things, as well.

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 13:59:00 -0500

So sweet! I came downstairs to find the girls watching The Princess Diaries II. Tali and Ellie were sitting together on the couch and Tali was absent-mindedly rubbing Ellie's back for her. Since these are the two that fight the most lately, I was especially blessed to see it!

Ben is Eon's biggest cheerleader! He is always praising him for something. "Mom, Simeon's holding his head up! Good job, Simeon!" or "Mom, Simeon's kicking his legs! Go, Simeon! You can do it!" I think he'll be an excellent therapist some day.

Zak is our wild child and confirmed Daddy's boy. He is livid if I try to keep him in the house and Dad is out working. If allowed to help, he will silently mimick every move Shawn makes. Shawn kicks a tire...Zak kicks a tire; Shawn looks under the truck...Zak looks under the truck. It is so cute! Recently, he discovered the show "American Choppers" about motorcycles. He shrieked and started jabbering unintelligibly, pointing outside, saying, "Daddy varoom, varoom! Daddy varoom, varoom!" and then pointing to the TV. It was if he were saying, "They have a whole show about motorcycles?!? Dad has a motorcycle! How come no one told me?" He sat on the couch (with Shawn) and watched it for a half hour. This is the kid that won't even watch the Wiggles for more than five minutes. Amazingly scary!

Dog, the Bounty Hunter

Fri, 3 Apr 2009 08:01:00 -0500

I have a confession to make. I stumbled across a new-to-me TV show and now I am hooked. Last weekend, on A&E, they were having a "Dog, The Bounty Hunter" marathon. I discovered it while channel surfing late one night. "What is this?" I asked Shawn. He'd seen it a few times and filled me in. It is a reality, documentary-type show. Duane Chapman, aka "Dog", his wife, oldest sons, and daughter own a few bail bonds places in Hawaii. When someone misses a court date or "jumps bond", they hunt him down and arrest him.

That is interesting enough, but what really adds color to the show are the bounty hunters themselves. Dog has a long, blonde mullet, wears his shirts open to the naval, has long earrings and lots of tattoos. His wife has platinum blonde hair, wears her shirts open to almost the naval, and wears stiletto heels...with everything. When they are chasing someone, they let the bleeped-out expletives fly.

Here's the really interesting part: They claim to be born-again Christians. Before they leave on a hunt, they gather in a circle and pray for wisdom and protection. Once caught, a fugitive can expect for them to offer him a cigarette and tell him how to get his life together, usually by finding God. Often, right before they turn him in, they will gather around in another circle, hold hands, and pray for him...in Jesus' name. The first time I saw it I literally laughed out loud!!! What a hoot!

But here's the deal. I think God is pleased. I really do! They are very sincere in their love for the Lord. He saved Dog out of a life of crime and prison. They are reaching people for Jesus that I never could. Even if I came in contact with the fugitives on the show, they would never receive from me, my life is too clean and neat. They have a strong familial bond which is another testimony, given that the children are from different marriages and used to be estranged from their dad. They love people unconditionally, even while handcuffing them and hauling them to jail. While watching that first show, I was blessed. Here is a picture of the grace of God and an amazing reminder that He is so much more interested in our hearts than our behavior.

I want to be like Dog. I don't plan to get any tats or wear my shirts down to my naval, but I do want the fruit of the Holy Spirit to be evident in my life, in spite of my faults. I don't want my struggles with sin or addictions to get in the way of my sharing about Jesus, and I want to extend grace to people in every situation.

Seriously, everyone should see this show once, for sheer entertainment if nothing else! :)

God has a sense of humor, indeed!

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 12:05:00 -0500

So, I've been exclusively pumping for five weeks now. I really don't mind though, as I have the pump set up behind my little computer table so I can surf the net while I do it. I recently discovered an on-line support group for moms of kids with Down syndrome and it has been neat to glean some information and receive support.

While exploring that group, I found a debate forum on the same site. If you know me, you know that I love a good debate. The topic du jour was large families. The gal who started the "discussion" was quite inflammatory about people "needing an excessive number of children". Immediately sucked in, I found myself reading the pages and pages of responses and rebuttals everytime I pumped. I was dertermined to read all the pages before responding myself. I made it through 22 pages and still had about 15 to go. When not on the computer, I was busy formulating my response, eager to jump into the fray.

Sunday night, I went to Panera for my weekly date with God. On the way, I continued thinking about my defense of large families and how desperately they needed to hear from those with a biblical worldview, as it's a secular board. At Panera, I sat down with my Bible and began looking for a Scripture I have the body of memorized, but not the reference (I'm really terrible about that). Suddenly, some words jumped off the page and convicted me to my core, before making me laugh out loud. The words?

"Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels." II Timothy 2:23

Needless to say, I've not been back to the debate board.

A Funny

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 09:06:00 -0500

Ellie was clearing the table (3 hours after lunch, I might add), a job that she and Tali share. Tali was eating her ice cream and ignoring her.

Ellie (dripping with sarcasm): That's ok, Tali. Don't get up. You just keep sitting there. I got it.

Tali (very sweetly): Ok. Thanks, Ellie!

Apparently, sarcasm is lost on a 5 year-old.

Down syndrome sucks

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 20:11:00 -0500

I have been oh, so positive to this point. Maybe reality has finally dawned or the honeymoon is over. Call it what you will, but today I am sad that my son has this diagnosis. I am sad that he will have to struggle to learn to do things the rest of us take for granted. I am sad that he will face discrimination and likely ridicule for something that is completely out of his control. I am frustrated that therapists, strangers, will become part of our lives for the next however many years. I hate the fear that invades my mind as he struggles to breathe while battling his first cold, because I know that, because of his low tone, he could rapidly decline and end up in the hospital.

I am exhausted thinking about all the ways that I am failing him already. He should be listening to classical music, but I forget to turn it on. He should spend more time on his belly, but I only remember when he's asleep or eating. I should hang a mobile over his crib for him to focus on, but I keep forgetting to purchase it. I have so many children clammoring for my attention, how can I ever give this child all that he needs?

I wonder what God was thinking. Honestly, how can He refrain from rolling his eyes when he looks at our family? I've always been a slacker parent; He knows this about me. Why would He choose to give me a gift which requires so much attention and focus? The why I ask is not an accusatory "Why me?", but rather a baffled "What in the world?!" kind of question.

And then a dear friend reminds me of Deut. 30:11 "Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach." He has, and will continue to equip me for this task of raising a son with special needs. This is not too hard for me. This is not beyond my reach. He has promised to give me "everything I need for life and godliness." It's time to pack up my pity party and trust Him. He has a plan. It includes me and it includes Eon...of this I am certain.

Just turns my stomach!

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 14:59:00 -0500

I was going to write something about the early prenatal testing for chromosomal abnormalities that is on the horizon. The point of this earlier testing is to allow greater time from the diagnosis for abortion. As it stands now, by the time a mother has a definitive prenatal diagnosis, the time is very limited for her to legally abort. A fact that disturbs a lot of professionals. Anyhoo, I have thoughts on the subject, of course. But, I think Parker's mom says it so much better than I. Here's a link: www.prayingforparker.com/?p=680 Amazing and apalling at the same time!

My Miracle

Fri, 6 Mar 2009 12:11:00 -0600

Yesterday, we got the results of Eon's chromosome study. He has Down syndrome. We knew that, and yet, I cried after I hung up the phone. Trying to identify the emotions that caused that flood, I realized that some it was relief. We've told everyone he has Ds and we've become experts on the subject. There are Ds support groups, social clubs, and buddy walks, an entire community dedicated to raising awareness for and providing support to those affected by Down syndrome. To parrot someone else, having a child with Ds is like winning the disability lottery; it just doesn't get any easier/better. I think I was afraid that the results would show some foreign, rare disorder that no one has ever heard of and we would be alone on this journey.

In part, the other emotion was sadness. The finality of the results signified that this is, indeed, our new life. Part of me still mourns the life I wanted for this child.

As I was mulling all of this over while in the shower this morning, I began thinking about how silly it seems to me that I'm having to get over saying "Down syndrome kids" and begin saying the politically correct "children with Down syndrome". After all, it's not like a child with a broken leg. Eon's every cell contains 47 chromosomes. It's who he is.

Instantly, I heard the Lord say,

"Tara, who are you? Are you your mind and intellectual abilities?"

"No, Lord."

"Are you your body and your physical abilities?"

"No, Lord."

"Neither is Simeon. There are no chromosomes in his soul. His soul is who he is."

Instantly, I repented. My son is so much more than his genetic make-up and so am I. We are both created in the image of the Almighty God and I dare not limit either one of us. Already, I am learning so much from this little one.

As I poured my heart out to God, I shared how much I just really wanted a smile from my little guy; just to feel a connection. After I dressed, I walked into our room and leaned over the bassinet. Eon was quietly awake, just looking around. I said, "Hey, cutie!" He looked at me and SMILED and looked away. Thrilled, I spoke to him again and, again, he looked me in the eye, grinned and looked away! I cannot tell you how blessed and humbled I am that God cares enough for me to show me in such a tangible way that He loves me. And I cannot tell you how beautiful a smile Simeon Israel Lakes has. You'll have to experience that for yourself!