Boys'R'Us - Homeschool Blogger

The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:06:00 -0600

Where is it written that life has to be perfect in order to be blessed?

Today I am feeling very grateful for my imperfect, blessed life.

Would I prefer that my husband wasn't spending Monday through Friday in Connecticut? Heck yeah. I hate this back and forth thing. We feel like human yo-yos. It's rough. BUT,

I am blessed with a husband who loves me and accepts me for who I am. A husband who loves our children and takes care of his family. A husband who laughs with me. Honestly, laughter is the drug that I couldn't live without.

This isn't perfect, but it's surely blessed.

Would I prefer to not be living in Indiana again? Umm, well, yeaaaah. But, I have a beautiful, comfortable home. One that we built and had the luxury of picking out every detail, inside and out. A house that affords my children their own bedrooms (hotel living has a way of pointing out the blessing in this). A home that has the scent of home cooked meals every day. A home where boo-boos are kissed and games are played and laughter is heard.

It's in Indiana, but it is, indeed, blessed.

Would I prefer to have all of my children here with me? So much. Only God knows why we were never given the privilege of meeting some of our little ones this side of glory...but what a blessing to know that we will meet them one day. How does one live without the hope of eternal life?

It's a blessing to be able to look forward to the future and know that there is more...

And once upon a time....I did dream about being a mother. I had big dreams. I don't always live up to my own expectations....but my children...they exceed my expectations. Do I wish that they would get along better sometimes? Of course. Do I wish that they would put on their listening ears more often? Yep.

Life with kids is imperfect chaos, but, may I never forget how blessed I am to be called their mother.

The little, imperfect things that are whispering while the rest of life is shouting --- That's the stuff that dreams are made of.

My Pursuit of Loveliness

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0600

This is my personal quest....loveliness. The dictionary has the standard gamut of definitions for this word, loveliness, but the one that is near to my heart, reads: "Of a great moral or spiritual beauty: a lovely character".

This sounds simple -- and a surface level of loveliness -- really is fairly simple.   I am a very giving and genuine person, so surface-loveliness comes naturally to me. This alone is not my pursuit.   I've never accepted mediocrity in myself so this surface loveliness just isn't enough for me.

My goal is to be the kind of woman who is selfless enough to respond lovingly to someone who has wronged me. To be the kind of woman who is humble enough to recognize that when people aren't acting kindly toward me that, it is most likely, they who are hurting and that it is far more lovely to respond according to that knowledge rather than out of self protection.

It is important to me that I not make my decisions based on the actions or disappointments of others. I still need to be who I naturally would have been, regardless of what has been done to me.   I, so very, passionately, strive for this trait in my life. I refuse to live a life that is based on reaction. Who does that make me? If I react to everything that is thrown at me....where am I? Seriously, that means that I would have defined myself based on what others are saying/doing and not proactively establishing myself! Wow, no thanks!

In Luke 6:32-33 Jesus says: "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that."

Well, wow! So, Jesus is calling us out here....basically He's saying: "Hey folks...being nice to your friends....whatever! Repaying kindness with kindness.....easy peasy."

The passage goes on to say in verses 35-36: "But, love your enemies, do good to them...... Then your reward will be great, and you will be the sons of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful just as your Father is merciful."

The part that stands out to me in bold is: Because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.   If it is what HE does, then it needs to be what I strive toward.

Extending grace isn't always easy, in fact, when it really counts (that is, when it's not reciprocated), it is quite hard.

I often wonder if I'm any good at it at all, because while I often make the hard choices and do what is right even when it isn't what I'd rather do.....I feel like it pains me. I feel like a doormat sometimes. sigh. I wonder if that's natural and a part of it all? I feel like it breaks my spirit a lot of times.

But, in the end, I know that in being a woman of loveliness, I'm ultimately pleasing God and, possibly, allowing others to sense the love that God has for them.   If I can put myself aside long enough to respond kindly in the face of acrimony, or even just simple apathy, -- then, maybe then, they will see a little bit of Jesus in me and determine to take baby steps toward dealing with what is really causing the issues in their own hearts.

And, quite honestly, I already know what happens when I give what I get. If I give back the same nonsense that is given to me......I'm not better (worse in fact), they're no better for it. Everyone suffers.   ALL that this does is satisfy the selfish side of me that wants to set the record straight. It's fleeting. Once it's all said and done and everyone's gone back to their own camps, nothing positive is accomplished.

So, that is my heartfelt pursuit. "Whatever is Lovely", that's what I want to be the measuring stick of my character. I, desperately, want the overflow of my heart to always pour from my mouth in a manner of loveliness. Lord let it be so.

Go Rest High on That Mountain...

Mon, 11 May 2009 14:18:00 -0500

For three weeks now, I've been trying to consider how on earth I would write something to memorialize my aunt who recently passed away.

Well, the truth is...I can't.   I could write more memories of her than this page could hold, but nothing that I could ever write would be enough. Words are inadequate.

She was more than an aunt to me; she was a friend and she gave such good advice that was filled with wisdom.   I know that she thought the world of me, and I hope and pray that I lived up to her feelings about me. I pray that I was to her - what she was to me....irreplaceable. There will never be another like you, Aunt Fay.

Since I don't know where to begin or how to express my heart for my sweet Aunt Fay....I'd just like to use this space to say thank you to her.

Thank You Aunt Fay for being everything that I could have ever asked for in an aunt....and in a friend. Thank You for trusting me enough to let me into your world; and thank you for being such an integral part of mine.

Thank You for everything.

Suite 224 Contentment

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:03:00 -0500

Lately I'm learning that this word that we throw around called "contentment" is a lot broader that I had realized.

It seems that when I think about being content, I think about two different scenarios...the first being - satisfied in general with life. The whole "life is good" mentality. There are a few blessed moments in life when we get the reward of being able to feel this kind of contentment. The second scenario would be - that contentment that we feel that is divine, because there isn't a lot of reason to feel content when you look at the surface of life.

Aren't those the two ways that we all think about contentment. Content with what you have and content with what you don't have. Right?

Well, here I sit, in the 'bedroom' of hotel room number 224, that my family and I are calling home right now....and God is sharing with me that this thing called contentment is so much richer than that.

He has such a gentle way about Him. He's so lavish with his guidance; so attuned to what I need to hear at any given time.   He amazes me with his adept ability to know that I can't handle the whole thing all at once. In his warm way, little by little, He feeds me what I need and it's usually just enough to get me to the next feeding; just enough to keep me coming back to Him.

Today, He's teaching me that the waters of contentment run so much deeper than I ever knew. He's teaching me that -- contentment can be found in the "being". You see, I'm not in that place where all is right with the world...there are a lot of loose ends that aren't all neatly tied up in my life right now. I'm also no longer in a place where you look at life and think that there is no other way to accept this particular lot other than to just be content with it and trust that the Lord has a plan.

I'm in an interim phase at the moment. A phase where I can look back and see how far the Lord has brought us and there is this ever-so-shy light at the end of the tunnel, that we can finally catch a glimpse of occasionally.

This interim phase is a little tricky on the heart. I want to praise and thank my sweet heavenly Father for bringing us to this place, and yet I also want to beg Him to bring that light closer and closer until we are seeing the sunshine and are out of that cramped, dark tunnel all together.

And today, in His perfectly gentle way, He's sharing with me.....that there is contentment in the waiting too.   I can be content just to be in this place where I'm not in the dark, but I'm not basking in the warmth yet either. It's not an all-or-nothing thing - this contentment.   It's a gift. But it's a gift that I have a choice to accept.

I want to accept contentment today. I want to choose contentment today. I want to feel content today. I don't need to have found the right house to live in yet. I just need to know that the One who loves me and graces me with His time and attention --- He knows.

It must be okay - this interim phase that I'm in --- because He's content to leave me it in for a while longer. And if He's content with it, then I want to be too.

Who Says Blogging Isn't Rewarding?

Wed, 1 Apr 2009 14:11:00 -0500

Last week I entered a contest that Hearts at Home was having. You guys know that I'm struggling to find the emotional and mental energy to write right now, so I adapted an old blog entry to use for the contest....

I'm just speechless to say that -- I WON! How exciting is that? Thank you to the staff at Hearts at Home. I'm flattered that it was enjoyed and recognized. I'm humbled and excited and lots of other adjectives that I can't quite articulate into words at the moment!

I'll copy/paste the blog/contest entry again here for you to read, but if you'd like to see the contest entry go to: http://www.heartsathome.org and click on the "Drum Roll Please" section...

Here is the copy/pasted version taken off of the Hearts at Home site:

...And Don't Eat the Birdseed

Written by Brenda Catherine Ottinger

Real Moms Real Jesus Contest. Learn more...

Happens at your house too, I bet. You know those words that spill out of your mouth; words that you never thought you'd say.

I'm learning this boy-life as I go, and I can't say that I understand yet ,what exactly makes them tick. The one thing that I have learned for sure is that – I have a lot yet to learn.

The things that come out of my mouth these days surprise, even, me. Especially me.

Don't lick your toes.
Don't pee on your brother.
Don't eat the cat's food.
Where are your underpants?
Don't chase the ice cream truck.
What is this and why is it on my table?
Don't step on your brother's head.
Do you have a death wish?
Yes, that is a beautiful rock, sweetie.
Spaghetti for breakfast?
What would possess you to drink vinegar?!

No, there's never a dull moment in my home. Being the only female in a house full of men makes for one very eventful life. One crazy, chaotic, beautiful, blessed life.

I suppose you know you're a parent when your day starts with: "Good morning, son....did you know that your shirt is on backward?"

Hi All !

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 11:23:00 -0500

Thank you so much to all of the sweet people who have been asking me to update this blog! I so appreciate your interest and concern and your willingness to read my silly ramblings.

Things have been really crazy in our life right now. We've recently made, yet another, move and are trying to settle into our new state again. We do hope that this move is our last. We are really ready to be settled.

That simple life that I crave ..... well, it's a very distant, blurry mirage that I can't see very clearly right now, but I trust that the Lord will bring us to a place of simplicity and quietness soon.

I promise to update more frequently again in the near future. I miss writing; it is my outlet and my lifeblood. Truth be told, I've felt very uninspired to write lately. Life has been so overwhelming that I just can't summon the energy and the inspiration to write anything noteworthy.

I'm getting there though.....Lately I've had lots of thoughts roaming around in my head just begging to be written out.....Soon enough, I'll be back in such full-swing that you'll be ready for me to take another break, lol.
Thank you for your support and love.
Blessings and Peace

Of This I Am Sure

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 18:36:00 -0500

Do you ever think that we should just all go back to Sunday school and learn to see God through a child's eye again?

I'm learning that throughout life and it's valleys - God always brings me back to the simplest things.

I've typed and deleted several paragraphs over and over. I don't know how to clarify my thoughts. I don't know how to organize four and a half years of pain into - easy to digest little feel-good paragraphs.

We've felt very alone in our struggle over this frivolous lawsuit that was taken out against us back in 2004. Even most of our friends seem to insinuate (innocently and I believe without meaning to) that there must be more to it than we've shared because why would someone sue someone else so frivolously.

I used to be that naive too. I wish that I could still be that naive. That was a nice existence....back when I thought that justice truly existed.   It's a lonely place to be on this side of injustice. I was reading last month in the book of Job about how his friends continued to hold to this idea that he must have been at fault in order for this catastrophe to be overtaking his life in this way. Job must have felt so lonely.

I think that where we go wrong, a lot of times, is when we insist on expecting from others what we should only expect from God. We can hope for the best from others. We can hope that others will act justly and rightly but once we expect that....then that is where we bring heartache onto ourselves. We can't expect, from others, what only God can consistently do.

And that brings me back to the simplicity of those Sunday school days and those childhood lessons of God. They are more powerful now, once we've had to hold fast to their truths, than they ever were back in our Sunday school years.

Folks, I don't know why people do mean, selfish things to others without regard for anyone but themselves. I don't know why people don't come alongside us and support us with a real heart for the injustice that we've suffered. I don't know why we can't expect from others the same excellence that we try to pursue ourselves....but what I do know.....what I do know --- cancels out all of that....

No matter what. Whether I'm living on the mountain top or whether I'm living in the valley, whether it's good news or bad --- No Matter What.....Of this I am sure ...I am SURE of the Goodness of God.

Whatever it is. Whatever it isn't. Whatever it should be. Whatever it can be. Whatever I feel.   None of it matters....because my God is good and whatever He does is good. Whether it appears good from my vantage point or not....I can trust...in the goodness of God.

If I am sure of this. If I am truly sure of this. If I know this deep in my bones. Then nothing else matters.   Things don't have to be carefree in my life for me to believe in the goodness of God. In fact, how shallow that would be. How easy it would be to declare that "God is good" in my perfect Sunday school teacher voice.....if I hadn't lived the goodness of God. If I hadn't relied on the goodness of God. If I hadn't seen the goodness of God with my own eyes and felt it with my own being. How shallow that would be. How thankful I am that He loves me enough to grow me and to bring me closer to an understanding of Him and His deep love for me.

Sunday School 101. God is good. In childhood years...it's a feel-good fact that we learn and hide away in our minds and hearts for future use. In adult years....it's the difference between life and mere existence. It's the truth that develops faith. I've been saying for the last several months that I feel like my faith is being challenged. And I've had some look at me as if I'm the worst of sinners because I'm willing to admit that. But, to me, I'm thankful that my faith is being challenged.

Faith is something that I never realized was grown. I thought it was just something that you had or you didn't. Nope.   I have more faith today than I had before this began. I understand the goodness of God in ways that I never could have understood before. No Sunday school class could have taught me what I've learned during this trial. Without putting one foot in front of the other and walking through this fire, I would not have had the ability to understand what the Lord has so lovingly taught me.

It's not about a "good ending" to a trial. Sometimes trials don't end well. Sometimes we just can't see what the Lord is so carefully fashioning in our lives behind the scenes. Sometimes we just won't have the satisfaction of having a human definition of "good" attached to what God calls good. Sometimes we just won't be able to put the pieces together this side of heaven. But that doesn't mean that it isn't -- Good! If I believe in the goodness of God, then whatever He does in my life, whether I perceive it as good or not....It IS good.

I can't rely on myself and I can't rely on others. I can't look at what is and consider whether it is just or right or good or not. All that I can honestly do, is say to myself that I KNOW that God is good. Either I believe it or I don't.

Believing it on the mountain top is just paying lip service to faith. Believing it in the valley....that is truly the reward.

Alive in my Heart

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 10:59:00 -0500

Is there one in every family? An Uncle Bob?

Did my Uncle Bob know that he has always held a special place in my heart? Probably not, because I didn't go out of my way to make sure that he knew that - and he was a humble man...not one to automatically think of himself as important. I don' t know how heaven works, but I hope that he knows it now.

I want to ask God why. But, I know that God doesn't share things with us, not so much because He wants to keep things from us, but because He knows that we can't understand His mind. Our human minds just aren't capable of comprehending His big picture. I know that He has the best at heart because that's who God is.

From my human perspective, it just doesn't seem right. In a world filled with cruel and selfish people, why take away one of the few good ones? Along with my husband's grandfather who passed away years ago, my Uncle Bob was the best person I knew.

I never felt judged by Uncle Bob. He always accepted me in a family climate that wasn't conducive to acceptance. I always felt like he saw the best in me. I will always appreciate that.

I have a lot of memories of my uncle. From the time that he gave me my first Battleship game when I was a young girl, to the wonderful singing voice that he had, to the time that he walked around my wedding with a big camcorder on his shoulder taking video of my wedding for me. I didn't ask him to do this. He was just that way. He loved me, and I knew it.

I don't know why. He had a lot of life left to live and he wasn't hurting anyone while living it. God has His reasons, I know....but I wish that it could have been different.

I do know this though. Heaven is a much, much richer place than it was last week before he arrived. Our loss is heaven's gain, no doubt. And with his big voice and big heart a part of it, heaven's choir never sounded so good.

Groundhog Day

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:56:00 -0500

Today is one of those days when I envy the groundhog. Don't you wish that you could just pop your head out from under the covers and look around just long enough to say "Nope, not today!" and pop your head right back under those covers?!

I think that I want to declare a personal groundhog day. Think my family would go for it? Hmmm, I can hear the kids explaining that one to their friends -- "Can't play today, it's mom's groundhog day".

Well, it's just as well, because I'm walking a fine line of self pity and I need to snap out of it. It's just one of those days where I feel so inadequate. Life is busy and tight.   There are schedules to keep and things to clean and people to love.   I'm blessed beyond blessed to have these people who make life busy and schedules tight. So, I just need a good friend to tell me the truth and shake me and tell me to get over myself. Any volunteers? (smile)

Okay, so I'll do it myself. Here is my truth....God is so good. Beyond good to me. All that I have and all that I don't have and all that I will ever need -- it's all because of Him and in Him and through Him. He's given me so much and he's saved me from myself so often and He's rescued me and comforted me and loved me.....

And I'm just not going to let satan steal my joy.   So, please be patient with me right now and say a prayer or two for me. I promise I'll do the same for you when you need it.   Isn't that what we're on this road together for? Maybe we can't declare our own personal groundhog days, but we can be vulnerable with each other. We can be real and come alongside each other and do this life-thing together as, I believe, the Lord meant for us to.

So, tomorrow morning, I'll probably wake up bounding with energy and be ready to declare winter over, but today, --- can ya hold me up a little? God's just too good to waste a day on self pity!

Exercise Epiphany

Mon, 9 Jun 2008 09:17:00 -0500

So, speaking of pilates......

This past weekend, I ordered a pilates reformer. You know one of those things that has the tension cords and all for you. I ordered it from Home Shopping Network. It's called Pilates Power Gym.

I'm really excited about it but nervous too. Here's my deal....

I'm not a beginner at exercise. I exercise a lot and a lot of the newer things that come on the market for exercise, tend to be geared toward beginners. Like this other thing that I went hunting last weekend that I'd been hearing about. I did some research on it and decided not to spend the $170 that it would cost because it didn't look like it had enough resistance for anyone other than a beginner.

I do a lot of things, but one of the things that I do is -- I have one of those little stair steppers - you know the kind that just has the base and you can slide it under a bed if you need to. Well, I started using that several years ago and have since worked my way up to the highest resistance level (level 12) and can do an hour+ on it easily. A lot of things on the market today don't seem to have any resistance or if they do, they tend to be too easy for me.

Our neighborhood has a yard sale every year and we walk around the neighborhood looking at everyone's junk every year. Well, this year, someone was selling a gazelle, and my husband bought it for me for $20. Well, we get the thing home and honestly, it feels like a toy to me. Definitely not made for someone who is not a beginner. My kids love it though. They've been playing on it ever since.

So, it occurs to me that it's time for me to get grown-up exercise stuff. Last week, my husband got a new computer. And because he is skilled and no beginner with computer stuff and this is his livelihood, of course, he got a computer that was not made for a novice. He got a much more expensive computer than the basic model. No big deal. It's what he needs for where he is. So, this epiphany that I had the other day is that --- why am I still trying to use basic exercise equipment when I'm not a beginner? I know I'm slow, but this was a light bulb kind of moment for me. It was a good moment for me to have though because it allowed me to give myself permission to buy what I need without all of the guilt.

I've always wanted something that was more gym quality. But, I've never been willing to pay for it. This pilates reformer that I bought - it wasn't terribly expensive (although, definitely not cheap). But, for someone who loves pilates but has just been way too bored with the mat stuff....it'll be a good change for me. Apparently you get a much better workout with the reformer than you do with a mat class.

I know that the whole term pilates can be intimidating, but if you haven't tried it...give it a try. It's not fru-fru like it sounds. And, it really does lengthen you. Ever since I started doing pilates -- I've gained a half inch in height. I doubt that I'd be able to gain any more; it's not a miracle worker. It's not a huge difference. But, I was 5'1" and now I'm 5' 1 1/2 inches. As you can see....I'm short, so I'll take it!

I'm not one of those people who buys exercise equipment and lets it sit around and gather dust. If it works for me, I'll use it. If it doesn't, I"ll get rid of it. So, I'm not too nervous that I spent good money on something that I won't use. I'm pretty good about keeping my commitment to exercise.

And I'm also not one of those people who goes to the gym. I'm not opposed to going to a gym, but at this point in my life, with homeschooling and housekeeping and other commitments, I'd never get to the gym, so it'd be a waste of money and I'd still be out of shape. For life as I know it right now....I have to exercise at home.

So wish me luck....and maybe I'll be able to look good in a swimsuit again.....by winter, lol. :)