Strollin' by Faith - Homeschool Blogger

Submission and Expectation...

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 11:05:00 -0500

Today's <a href="http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf ">30 Day Challenge</a> topics are two that I could write about for days and days.

Day 11: Submission

Submission is a topic that makes just about even the mildest personality fiesty. So often you will hear women say somethin' like, "God made me strong-willed for a reason" or "God gave me a brain to use."

Let's make one thing clear: Submission requires a strong will and a brain.

I used to try to put submission in a box, I tried to lay down "boundaries", tried to "educate" my husband, tried the "I'm sittin' on the outside but inside I'm standin' up!", even tried passive-aggressive wimpy whiny to get Carl to change the things that I thought he oughta change.

Do you notice how we hardly ever think that we are the problem? If we have a personality flaw, it's always because someone else is doin' somethin' they ought not do, which makes us do somethin' we ought not do. I've heard so many times, women say, "I'd never behave that way with anyone else." This excuse has been used for everythin' from run-of-the-mill sassiness to their spouse, to affairs, to out and out physical violence. You didn't think that women can get physically violent with their husbands? Think again.

Make no mistake, if there is sin in your life, if you are physically violent, if you are rebellious, or prone to wayward eyes, the problem is in you and has to go. Blamin' our sin on someone else is cowardice and requires little smarts. I've seen children as young as a 1 1/2 years old know how to blame someone else for their wrongdoin'. It takes courage and intelligence to objectively see how wicked our behavior is and to ask God for the grace and strength to overcome. It takes a strong will to stand against the ugliness we see in the mirror and embrace that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

Many times, we try to "submit" through demandin' compromise. We "allow" a particular behavior "within boundaries". I've said it before, I'll say it again, this ain't submission, it's parentin'. Think about it. How is it submission if you are still callin' the shots and makin' the rules? It isn't. Submission isn't only doin' what you think ought to be done. Do you expect your children to obey when they "feel" like it or when they agree or when they find that it is "reasonable"? Submission "with terms" isn't submission at all.

Submission arguments always seem to go from the normal everyday to the ridiculous. "Oh so you believe in submission? What if your husband wants you to shoot one of your kids?" "Oh, so if your husband demanded you get an abortion, you'd do it?" Now, bless the saints that actually are in such unimaginable circumstances, but nine times out of ten, we use these reasons as excuses for not submittin' to a friend that our husband does not like and does not want us to associate with, or a particular clothin' style that he really hates, even to argue over what cleanin' supplies we use for cryin' out loud!

What about Abigail? Did she not go against her husband and save her household? I think Abigail is a perfect example of God blessin' a truly exceptional circumstance. Okay, if your husband is about to allow masses of armed men to kill your entire household, yeah, you do what you must to protect yourself. Is there an army outside your door with guns ready to blow you and your children away?

What if your husband is unsaved? Should you submit? Don't make the mistake I made in thinkin' that an unsaved husband was an "out". Read 1 Peter chapter 3. Win their hearts by our chaste conversation and quiet behavior. Let our actions woo them into the Grace of God.

Most of us think the worst of our husbands, I know I did, we think that if we submit, our husbands will become ravin' dictators, tramplin' the very life out of us. What a horrible way to view our beloved! To think that I actually believed such an awful thing about my husband makes me sad. To think that my husband knew that was my very low opinion of him makes me sadder.

My husband is not perfect. He sins and he has his areas of weakness. I have never come out of a situation where my forcin' his change has been of long term benefit. Sure there were things that he changed due to my naggin' or whatever, but they were grudgin' changes that always came with a cost, most often the result was an out-of-touch husband that had no desire to be involved and have an opinion. He just followed along with whatever I said because that was the path of least resistance for him. In my quest to keep him from becomin' a tyrant, I became the tyrant!!

Take the challenge, let him have his way with a cheerful heart. If it fails it fails, be his soft nonjudgemental spot to fall, and cheer him on to figurin' it out on his own. More often than not, our husbands do have a brain cell or two of their own and their plans actually seem to work out, sometimes even better than our lofty standards, it takes courage to eat some humble pie, doesn't it? Then, on top of things actually workin' out, our husbands are lifted up by our trust and support, and as a result they are actually more likely to take in to consideration our feelin's.

I used to be a part of an online community. There was a gal that would post...oh...maybe once a month about some subject her husband didn't agree with her about. One month, she had a male friend that openly had feelin's for her, her husband was not comfortable with her continuin' the relationship, INDEED NOT! But she said, it was "her right" to be friends with whomever, and it didn't matter this fella hit on her constantly and openly disrespected her husband, didn't her husband "trust her"? The next time, she was prone to dress in his opinion, way too sexy. It was "her right" to dress however she wanted to dress. Shouldn't he be happy that his wife was still a nymphlike size 2 and could pull off a leather miniskirt quite well? The next it was the church they attended...on and on. All the while, she expected him to change a multitude of things that she felt he should. It was no surprise to me when a couple years later, the man got fed up, told her he didn't love her anymore and wanted a divorce, yet she was totally shocked. This story could have been mine! How scary is that?! I praise God He showed me my sin! I have zero braggin' rights on the matter.

Day 12: Expectations

I remember the first year or so of Carl and my marriage was pretty much awful. I'm not sharin' anythin' that my husband wouldn't say himself. What was the heart of that? Expectations.

You see, we had lived together prior to gettin' married. What a horrible thing! I believe it was the single greatest cause of our marital strife. Durin' the time of our livin' together, "playin'" husband/wife when we were not, we were totally foolin' ourselves. The reason was we allowed certain things to be overlooked because we were "just" boyfriend/girlfriend, but we both had our list of things that we expected to change "once we were married". The problem is, we expected the other to change while expected the other to allow us to stay the same. Expectations.

A woman that doesn't keep house before she is married, isn't gonna keep house after. A man that is out with the boys five nights a week before he's married isn't gonna suddenly wake up the mornin' of his weddin' a "homebody". And people are surprised by what they get? I know I was. Crazy eh?

I think the other thing is that we expect way too much of our spouses. We cannot ask our husbands to tell us who we are, to give us value, to make us feel "whole". That is not our husbands' job! If we place those expectations on our husbands, they will fail us everytime, they are fallen, just like we are.

While this may seem a pessimistic way of viewin' things, on the contrary, when we turn to the one and only person that can fulfill our every desire, God and only God, it frees us to truly enjoy each other, we don't get our feelin's all caught up when our husbands make choices that don't seem to "validate" us. When Carl falls, instead of it becomin' an "I can't believe you could do this to me!" situation. Instead, because of the value I have in Christ Jesus, and it's the same value that Carl has, I can help him back on his feet as his understandin' and also fallen wife with love, patience and unity.

Marriage made in Heaven...

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 10:23:00 -0500

...that's what I feel about my marriage. Everyday, I'm just in awe of the joy, delight and sheer pleasure that Carl and I share in each other. Even the days where it feels a bit challengin', I can't help but to praise God!

Day 9: Do you listen, really listen to your husband?

I'm a chatter, I know, I know, no surprise there. Seriously though, I could talk on and on and on for...well, a really long time. If it's a topic I'm passionate about, I'm not really even all that interested in whether or not my "audience" is listenin'. I'm workin' on bein' a woman of fewer words. Honestly I am!!

One thing that I realized is that when I am so focused on fillin' the silence and sharin' what is on my mind, I'm not givin' adequate attention to what might be on the mind of others around me. The person that I probably allow the least amount of listenin' time is Carl. He isn't a "talker" and he seems to enjoy listenin', my favorite kinda person! LOL! Yet, sometimes I know that I miss out on opportunities to hear somethin' really important to him.

Since he isn't a talker, there are times when "listenin'" involves more than my ears. Sometimes listenin' means tunin' into his moods, his distractions, his behavior, little cues that tell me what is at the heart of my Beloved. For example, my husband hates a messy floor. There can be clutter all over the bookshelves, the counters, any elevated surface, but boy, when it comes to the floors, one shoe will make things not settle right with him. Don't get me wrong, he isn't in a tirade about messy floors or anything, I figured this out by watchin' him. When Carl gets home from work, immediately after sayin' his "hello"'s to all of us, he starts pickin' up floors! He isn't mad, he isn't snippy or grumpy, he just sets himself to pickin' up the floors. So I decided to "experiment". What would happen if he didn't have anythin' to pick up? So I began to train myself and the children to have the floors clear before he comes home. At first, he'd kinda wander around like, "I know I should be doin' somethin' but I can't think of what it was..." but then, as it dawned on him, there wasn't anythin' to pick up, I felt, more than heard this deep sigh of...relief? Contentment? I'm not really sure. Now that we are in the habit of pickin' up the floors, I can now see how much it did affect his enjoyment of our home. Like I said, not that he was "unhappy" before, he wasn't, it's just that the relaxation that I sense from him, the smile he gives me is a bit brighter, his hug is a bit tighter, he's just more "at peace".

That was a huge breakthrough for me, and I've learned all sorts of wonderful and interestin' things about him by "listenin'" to his non-verbal cues.

Day 10: Admiration

Learnin' to admire my husband has been a challenge because I didn't really understand what "admiration" was. When I was a trainer at a restaurant, managements drilled into our heads the "oreo" principle, you praised, you brought up a "challenge area" and then you praised. "Criticism should always be couched between two praises," was the motto of the time.

I applied this same line of thinkin' to Carl. I could release a string of praises and "hide" in there one "itty bitty" criticism, and Carl would zero in on that one bit of negativity faster than a fighter pilot on his target. You know that sayin', "One spoiled apple spoils the bunch," that is spot on when it comes to praisin' my Beloved. Oftentimes, that one criticism would even embitter Carl against the compliments because he felt it was a purposeful manipulation on my part. I didn't understand it, I mean, didn't he just hear me go on and on about how wonderful he was? Yet he would miss the praise. Suddenly the "teeny tiny" criticism would turn into a global judgement against all he is, suddenly I was tellin' him that I didn't think he did "everythin' wrong" and so forth. How did we get here? How did this turn into an argument?

I eventually learned that times of praise, need to be just that, times of praise. How physically attractive I find him, how proud I am of his work ethic, how much I enjoyed watchin' him wrestle with the boys and dance with his daughter. I learned to leave off what seemed to me as "little comments" that might come across as criticism. Sure there were and still are times when I have a concern that I may bring to him from time to time, but I realized Carl handles it so much better when I'm direct and say, "I am havin' a bit of a struggle with this..." and leave it at that. No "couchin' the criticism in praise". Times of praise are times of praise, times of concerns are times of concerns.

I also learned that Carl truly appreciates praise, even for mundane things. If he helps with the vacuumin' or washes the dishes or changes a diaper, what did it cost me to praise and thank him? Hardly anythin' at all! Yet, there is that temptation to think, "Why should I praise for that? I do that everyday! Several times a day in fact!" I realized the former attitude of praise almost guarantees that Carl will look for other ways to help out, the latter attitude almost guarantees that Carl will sit back and refrain from helpin' out in that manner again.

There is so much we take for granted. My husband goes to work everyday, on time, that is a praiseworthy thing because there's a whole lot of men out there that don't! My husband is home with us when he isn't workin'. That is praiseworthy because some husbands aren't! I'm workin' on cultivatin' a culture of praise in our home, where we all learn to identitfy and speak up about all the wonderful things we appreciate about each other.

"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour of the Lord." Proverbs 18:22

Sat, 9 Sep 2006 10:02:00 -0500

Does my husband always feel that he has found himself a "good thing". That is the crux of the matter in this <a href="http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf ">30 Day Challenge</a>.

Day 6: Creativity

Carl has recently discovered a very old passion, paintin', more specifically, airbrushin'. He truly is amazin'. He has a natural gift that shines through. He took on a second job as an artist at a local airbrush booth and I can see how much he enjoys his work.

He's also creative in other aspects. My husband just "knows" computers. He has a natural aptitute for all things electronic (see Grandpa, takin' apart that expensive watch when he was a little'un had a purpose!). While he may not have the "official" knowledge, he is frequently called upon to solve work troubles in areas that are outside of his responsibilities. It really is a testiment of this special gift when fellas with several degrees and certifications are callin' on my sweetheart (and they call at all hours about work systems as well as personal systems). I used to find this a source of irritation, but I've learned to take pride in it. Not only is Carl known for bein' the "computer guy", he is also known for bein' available to help and commitin' himself to seein' the problem through to the end. Those are wonderful qualities! When those calls come, I just know to take over care of business at home so that Carl is free to do what God has blessed him to do.

Day 7: Finances

Finances. Grrrr. Budget. Money handlin'. That's the stuff of divorces! LOL!

Carl and I have run the full spectrum, goin' from frivolous livin' to bucklin' down desperately tryin' to feed our family on an Airman's salary (sooooo not easy!). I am so grateful that Carl has been willin' to learn new and better ways of handlin' money. <a href=http://www.daveramsey.com/shop/Audio_CD_Special_With_Free_Boo_P227C48.cfm?afid=7>Dave Ramsey</a> has been a tremendous blessin' to us with his scripturally based money management program.

One thing that I have learned, Carl will spend money on things that I would not. However, the likewise is true. So many times, I will think that "my way" is better and "his way" is a silly waste. However, like in other areas, I've learned, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! So often, his way works out far better than I thought it would and my way works out so much worse than what I thought it would. Carl has become very thorough about researchin' his purchases, makin' sure that he is gettin' the most for his money. Where I remain more prone to "impulse" buys. He is learnin' to be patient and will wait and wait until the right deal comes our way.

Day 8: Faithfulness

This is a wonder to me that has become so important to me lately. It seems that I constantly hear men puttin' down their wives, lookin' for ways to "get rid of them" for an afternoon, or even comparin' their wives to other women, sayin', "I wish my wife were like that!" WOW and OUCH! It would break my heart to hear my husband say such things about me! I am so blessed that I have a husband that does not see our marriage as some sort of cruel bondage that holds him back.

Our oldest is 13yo. Carl has taken the task of trainin' Bryce to remain pure in his thoughts very seriously. There are things that I honestly didn't know about how men work, how "visual" men are, how seemingly innocent things can and do tempt our brothers thoughts to stray from what is good and right. From commercials, to Victoria Secret posters, to clothing catalogs, to the girls runnin' around bee-boppin' in skimpy numbers, men are constantly bombarded by feminine flesh. Watchin' Carl instruct Bryce on when and how to keep his eyes guarded again shows me how hard he works to keep his thoughts on me. What a blessed wife I am!

ARGH! I'm full of good intentions...

Fri, 8 Sep 2006 08:25:00 -0500

...it's the execution of those intentions that really trip me up! Here I said I was gonna try to blog everyday and I've missed four days! Eeeeeek!

While I haven't blogged, I have been continuin' with the <a href="http://http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf ">30 Day Challenge</a> at home, so I'll try to catch up on some thoughts that I've had throughout the past 4 days...

Day Four:
Do I take my husband's career for granted?

Oh indeed I do! What a terrible thing for me to gripe about Carl's job. The Lord has blessed us richly durin' our time in the military and for me to say one ill thing about it is pure shame. Yes, there are struggles, yes, it is certainly no fun when he gets a four day notice of deployment, yes, it is a definite challenge when he is sent away six times in one year. There are politics and duties that can make life...not fun. However, I remember what our life was like before joinin' the military.

Blessings received through service:
1. God saved Carl in Basic. (HELLOOOOO! The biggest blessin' of them all!)
2. I was able to be a stay at home mother.
3. We learned about homeschoolin' at our first base and since I was already a SAHM, I didn't have the struggle of leavin' a job/career in order to do it.
4. We would not be at the church we are at now without the military. I am learnin' so much and growin' so much, as is Carl.
5. In a depressed job market, we do not have to worry about a roof over our heads, food in our belly or Carl's salary bein' wiped from us in a moment's notice.

There are many more that I could name, but these are enough for me to keep my trap shut about the negatives and praise God for the wonders of His grace.

The other part of the challenge talks about appreciatin' his work and not "dumpin' on" him at the end of the day. I used to do this. I used to complain about the kids, leaky faucets, whatever the second he walked in the door! I would say nasty things like, "Boy, I wish I could go to work, come home and do nothin' for the rest of the day!" YIKES!! For a time, it seemed like Carl had somethin' goin' on every night of the week. One night it was gamin', the next it was Volleyball, the next it was soccer and then next it was pool tournaments, still allowin' him some "wiggle room" to squeeze in college courses three nights a week! You can imagine the amount of "harpin'" that Carl was subjected to, poor fella.

Then one day, Carl looked at me and the look in his eye was frightenin'. He wasn't angry, he wasn't upset, he was just...there. There was no warmth, there was no fulfillment, no joy. What he did, he did out of obligation, because I told him to, not because he wanted to, not because he loved me. I had nagged, complained and stressed all the love out of him. I knew that day, we were headed for divorce if somethin' didn't change and since he wasn't willin' to, that somethin' was ME!

Praise is so powerful! Contentment is inspirin'! A kind word, a smile, a flirtation, all these things build up Carl and encourage him in more ways than a million nags. I learned that as I showed my appreciation, quit gripin' about the kids and worked on trainin' up right durin' the day, quit gripin' about the house and just get it cleaned already, makin' our home an invitin' place to be, where he will receive honor and joy, not condemnation and lectures, the more he wanted to be around! Whoa! The more he enjoyed my pressence, the more he wanted to relieve the responsibilities that would take me away from him, so the more he helped out with the kids and the house!

We are brainwashed these days into thinkin' the way to get what we want out of life is to "demand our rights", at least in marriage, this is very far from the truth. I have gained so much since layin' aside my pride, my demands, my "I deserves" and bless the socks off of Carl, whether or not he is "worthy".

Day 5: Praise

Do you praise your husband to other people?

Very few things put a spring in my honey's step like when I praise him to others. Many times it does embarrass him and he may even tell me, "Don't brag on me so much." But there's this glitter in his eye that tells me he loves it...craves it.

It wasn't always so. I used to bag on Carl to my friends, my family, I'd complain about his bad habits to his mother. FOR SHAME!! I justified myself because I wasn't gosspin', it was the "truth". Carl began to distance himself from my friends and others because he felt judged by them, whether or not he was, and some of my friends were terribly disrespectful to him and I thought it was funny. Horrible! Once again, I was creatin' a barrier between us. Carl had his friends, safe from my waggin' tongue and I had my friends which he avoided like the plague.

Praise God, He convicted me of this treacherous sin, but it took far too long for me to figure it out. Nowadays, I just love praisin' the socks off Carl and quit speakin' ill of him to anyone. I do have the counsel of Godly women to help me when I'm really strugglin' with somethin' in our marriage that I can't quite seem to work out, women with solid marriages that are bearin' sweet fruit. They are women that I can trust will not judge Carl and they do not ever engage in any kind of bashin' language, in fact, the focus of their counsel is always what *I* can do, not what Carl should or shouldn't do. Carl knows these women, and knows that I may on rare ocassion confide in them, but he also knows that their counsel is trustworthy and free from judgement.

I'll have to finish catchin' up tomorrow...The kids are up and my beloved is comin' home real soon for an impromptu "breakfast date". Wooo hoooooo!

The Sweetest Voice...

Sun, 3 Sep 2006 20:20:00 -0500

Day Three: Husband Encouragement Challenge

One of my favorite things about Sunday Worship is sittin� next to my husband, because I get the chance to hear the most wonderful sound on earth...my husband�s singin�. It isn�t because his falsetto is perfect, nor is it because he�s got a fabulous range for a tenor or bass. Truth be told, my husband can�t carry a tune in a bucket.

I don�t care, his singin� is precious to me.

When we first began attendin� church, Carl would not sing. He would stand there, reverent, but he would not sing. I love singin�, it�s one of my favorite past times. I sing all day everyday and worship through singin� just really makes my heart reach for God in a way that nothin� else can. While I understood his self-consciousness, a part of me was sad that the joy of liftin� our hearts together in song before the Lord was somethin� that we would not share. I never pressed him on it, I just let him enjoy the musical worship in his own way.

As time passed though, and as God worked in Carl on many different things, I noticed from time to time, he would maybe mouth the words. Then I would hear the slightest bit of sound comin� forth from his locked up vocal cords. I learned real quick not to look at him, even with a smile, because he would immediately get embarrassed and clam up, but inside my heart was doin� a jig before the Lord!

Today, I couldn�t suppress my smile though, hearin� my husband�s boomin� off-key, at times off-beat voice ring through the air. He was totally unashamed, totally sold-out, praisin� God with everythin� in him, and everyone around us knew it. I�ve loved music my whole life, I�ve sat in audiences for artists whose voices gave you goosebumps and brought tears to your eyes. Hands down, my husband�s voice outshines them all.

We live in a world where real �dream come true��s don�t often seem to happen. I hear people all the time, even believers, askin� �Where did all the miracles go?� Well, I experience a miracle every worship service as my voice dances with my husband�s voice before the Throne, our hearts in total harmony�even if our voices aren�t.

"The heart of her husband safely trusts her..." Proverbs 31:11

Sat, 2 Sep 2006 02:48:00 -0500

Husband Encouragement Challenge: Day One

I am actually typin' this out at 2:49 am on Day two! Ugh! I commited myself to this challenge and am already draggin' behind. Boy is that a bad sign. LOL!

Part of today's <a href="http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf ">30 Day Challenge</a> asked if I ever told Carl "thank you" for choosin' me. This is somethin' that I've never struggled with too much because I have always felt unworthy of this awesome man from the get-go. While on occasion, I did look at him and think, "Okay, so there must be somethin' really wrong with you to want to be with me," most days I'm just so deliriously happy that he is here, steady and strong.

This week has been a particularly stressful week, yet there is always beauty to be found where you least expect to see it. If anyone ever doubted Carl's devotion and love for me, this week would put all matters to rest. The incredible roller coaster I've ridden, goodness, I don't think there was an emotion I haven't experienced this week. Yet here he is, my place of rest and peace. When my mind would spin out of control, he was right here to remind me of what was important, what was true and noble and good and praiseworthy and excellent.

As I reflect on my gratitude that Carl would choose me, I realize too that I do a disservice to my husband by refusin' to see in me that which he finds worthy in me. So many times he will tell me, "You look beautiful," and my first reaction is always to put myself down, "No, this dress makes me look fat." "Ugh, I can't do anything with my hair!" "Where are your glasses? I haven't even put my make up on yet?!" (Uh, Carl doesn't need glasses by the way). If he praises an accomplishment or a talent, I'm so quick to dismiss it with a wave of my hand and a "No, it isn't that great."

I'm not sayin' that I "deserve" his love or have earned the right to demand it. Far from it. What I am sayin' is that I need to learn to see me how he sees me, to trust that he does find someone precious to him. Removin' the focus from all that I find unworthy in me of his love, to the trustin' in the fact that he just does, frees me to express my love for him with gratitude and joy, rather than fear or obligation.

This 30 Day Challenge will be interestin' for sure. As I said a couple posts ago, it is quite possible that I will be givin' birth to our fourth blessin' sometime this month, so that may interrupt my intentions of bloggin' each day durin' the challenge. There has been other "stressors" added to both Carl and my plate this week, distractions at work and at home that are provin' to be a bit difficult to navigate all at once as well. While the pessimist in me is tempted to throw up my hands and say, "Hang it!" I know that the times in our life when the fire burns hottest are the times when God is really at work doin' somethin' truly miraculous.

So regardless of any "curveballs" we might be thrown this month, I'm determined to keep my focus on lovin' God through lovin' my Beloved!

"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:11-12

Shake Up!

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 11:22:00 -0500

It seems that the one of the few predictable things there are in life, is that life is often unpredictable.

I received an e-mail from my Dad yesterday. My biological mother contacted him, askin' about me and my older brother. Wow. Big time doozy.

I have not seen her in almost 20 years, but it's been since I was seven years old that she was a real part of my life. From eight years on, I was raised by my Dad and when my Dad remarried, my "stepmom" (Oooo, how I loathe the term) became my Mom. As a kid, I was pretty messed up, I suppose. I dealt with anger, abandonment, sadness, not belongin'. I was a big time liar, lied about stupid stuff, but I was a charmer, my parents always lookin' like big meanies because everyone outside my family saw me as "sweet". Yikes. I was surrounded by people that loved me, my parents, my grandparents, my family and so on, but for some reason, I fixated on the one person that didn't seem to care.

In my teens and early twenties, the legacy of pain continued to haunt me. In my sinfulness, I felt "justified" commitin' the horrible sins I did. Yet God was always there, no matter how alone, how abandoned, how unloved I felt, He was always there, He would never abandon me and He always loved me. I see now, His mighty hand, lovin' me, guidin' me, grievin' with me but always gently smilin', knowin' that He had wonderful things in store for me.

When I became a mother at 19 years old, my anger and bitterness, changed to fear. Oh dear God, please! Don't let me turn out like my mother! I just couldn't ever wrap my brain around the idea that I might look at my child and choose to disappear out of his life. I cried out to Jesus, "Lord help me! I don't know what I'm doin' but I know I don't want to mess it up!" Once again, I found myself fixated on the one person that left, while completely missin' the example of the many wonderful people that loved me and would slay dragons for me, not to mention totally missin' the fact that even if everyone left me, I still had the best and most powerful role model there was! God Himself! My Heavenly Father, who is Father to the fatherless!

As I proceeded through my twenties, God worked daily in my life, workin' on my heart, exposin' my sin, releasin' me of the bondage of the victim mentality that I'd found myself enslaved. I began to see His love and tender mercies. I realized that God had restored to me all that I had thought I'd lost. I lost a mother, God brought me another one, one that would never leave me. I lost my "heritage", God brought me a new one, the heritage of bein' His precious daughter, a rich and glorious heritage as the lost sheep that the Shepherd pursued tirelessly until He found me, claimed me and wooed me back to His beloved flock. I thought I'd lost my identity, I found it in His love letter, the Holy Bible. I lost the ability to forgive, but God showed me, through the humility of realizin' how much I'd been forgiven, that there was no sin commited against me that could measure up to that which I'd commited against my Father in Heaven. I learned to forgive by Christ's forgiveness extended to me.

As every stronghold crumbled and as God created in me a new heart, I found greater peace, greater comfort, greater conviction and greater love. All the questions and rants that I'd harbored all those years just didn't seem as important anymore. For a long time, all I wanted to do was be given the chance to ask, "Why??!! Why did you leave us?!" And yet even that question seemed so petty. Did it matter? The events of my life has brought me to a sweet appreciation for the tender mercies with which God has showered me. The every day delight in my children, the butterflies I still get in my belly when my beloved husband looks at me with that invitin' twinkle in his eye, the peace and rest I find in the arms of my Savior, all this redeemed from the ashes of pain and heartache.

When I first got the message from Dad, I fell a part. All I could think was, how does someone try to waltz into someone else's life after nearly twenty years? I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know what I was suppose to do. Yet, as the day progressed, and God's peace that truly passes all understandin' was once again extended to my shortsightedness, things became clearer. Yes, this is somethin' new and interestin' indeed. Yes, there is a challenge here to seek God's will. Yes, it was a shock that seemed to come out of left field, and yet, it is no surprise at all to God. I realized, that when it comes to all that matters, my identity, my life and purpose, not much has changed. I smile knowin' that I do not need to seek desperately after a mother relationship, I have a mother, she's not perfect, but she loves me, she was the woman who sat cryin' in the hospital when I broke my leg and needed surgery, she was the one that battled my strong will day in and day out, without hearin any gratitude from me, she was the one that bathed my first born in the hospital and cradled him as nothin' else but his Mimi, the one that cried at my weddin' and pines for the day when we might live closer. Who I am has not changed, a redeemed child of God, a wife whose husband dies for, a mother, whose children bring her daily laughter and joy.

I don't know where all this is headed, but I know God is in control. I now know how truly free I am of my past, that I can take each step in faith. I will not greet her as a lost and hurtin' daughter, because that person is dead in Christ, but prayerfully as an instrument of grace that God might use to sing His sweet song to her and call her into His flock.

To God be the glory.

Moses or Isaiah?

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 17:13:00 -0500

A couple of weeks ago, our Pastor taught on Exodus 3 and 4, and Moses� response to God�s impossible mission. It really struck my heart because but a couple weeks prior I was talkin� to my cousin about how difficult I found it that God might want to ever use me. So many excuses stood in my path of obedience, I�ve messed up too much in my life, I�m not smart enough, I�m not eloquent enough, they won�t listen to me anyway, on and on and on.

Lately, I�ve been bombarded with situations that, frankly, make my insides quiver in fear. I�m not comfortable with women approachin� me for advice, for guidance and Godly wisdom! Oh my! My knee jerk reaction is, �Sweetheart, you�ve knocked on the wrong door, �cause I am in no way shape or form equipped to help you out!� I have my own personal convictions that are very strong, but somethin� happens in between the words leavin� my heart and exitin� my mouth. I can�t seem to get stuff out right. I either come across as arrogant and judgemental (usually when talkin� with my family unfortunately) or stupid and illogical. Yet, these women are there, askin� me, �Patti, what do you do when�� Aaaargh!

Carl had some very powerful �Come to Jesus� experiences while he was deployed. God really used that time to shake up his world that forced him to look in the mirror and reevaluate the man he saw there. He didn�t like what he saw. His confidence in himself was shattered, his reliance on Jesus was made painfully obvious. We spent so much time talkin� about such deep things, amazin� and powerful things that once �out there� cannot be covered up again. Things will never be the same again, PRAISE GOD IN HEAVEN! I was so happy, so thrilled for Carl! While my heart ached that Carl was learnin� some tough and at times humiliatin� lessons, I rejoiced because I know that�s exactly where God takes people right before miracles happen. HALLELUJAH! I knew God was brewin� somethin� beyond my wildest imaginations in my husband. YES LORD! YES!

Then Carl mentioned the phrase that would bring every �hallelujah� to a screechin� halt. �Patti, I think God wants to use US in a marriage ministry to help others that are struggling like we have��

Uh, what? No way. God might want to use you but if you think God wants to use me, you got it all wrong, Sweetheart. That�s what my heart thought when I choked my whispered reply, �Oh Honey, that�s great!�

Then I learned what a daughter of Moses I truly am�

In Exodus 3:7-10 God tells Moses:

�And the LORD said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows; And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians, and to bring them up out of that land unto a good land and a large, unto a land flowing with milk and honey; unto the place of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites. Now therefore, behold, the cry of the children of Israel is come unto me: and I have also seen the oppression wherewith the Egyptians oppress them. Come now therefore, and I will send thee unto Pharaoh, that thou mayest bring forth my people the children of Israel out of Egypt.�

What an honor God bestowed on Moses! God�s people were oppressed and broken and God wanted to use Moses to deliver them out of slavery! How amazin� is that? God came down, set a bush on fire and spoke to Moses! Incredible!

Then comes Moses� unbelievable response, �And Moses said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?� (Exodus 3:11)

Like God didn�t know who and what Moses was. Makes you shake your head, doesn�t it? But look Moses� doubt and disbelief continues�

�And Moses said unto God, Behold, when I come unto the children of Israel, and shall say unto them, The God of your fathers hath sent me unto you; and they shall say to me, What is his name? what shall I say unto them?� Exodus 3:13

�And Moses answered and said, But, behold, they will not believe me, nor hearken unto my voice: for they will say, The LORD hath not appeared unto thee.� Exodus 4:1

�And Moses said unto the LORD, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.� Exodus 4:10

�And he said, O my Lord, send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send.� Exodus 4:13

How many excuses does Moses intend to make as to why he can�t be the one to go? His whinin� seems neverendin� but God puts rather abrupt end to it:

�And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Moses.� Exodus 4:14a

Now, call me silly, but I think my heart would just stop beatin� if God�s anger burned against me, how horrifyin�! Yet, that is exactly what I am doin� isn�t it? Provokin� God�s anger! That�s serious business!

Then I considered Isaiah, �Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.� Isaiah knew he was unworthy of the presence of God. He knew his inadequacy, his wicked heart, his utter depravity, but when God issues the invitation, Isaiah�s simple, humble and honored response leaves me ashamed, �Here am I; send me.� (Isaiah 6:8b).

I stand at a crossroad, a challenge, a commission. Whose path will I choose to follow? Moses or Isaiah?

Dear Heavenly Father, give me the strength to be as Isaiah. I don�t know where this road is takin� us, I don�t know what this ministry is that awaits Carl and me, whether it be an actual occupational change, or more of an addition to our current life and circumstances. I don�t know if it is a �formal� ministry or one that will be born out of relatin� to others in our day to day lives. God is doin� somethin� because men are flockin� to Carl, askin� for his guidance, his wisdom and by doin� so, has forced me into the position of supportin� the wives of these men. No matter what it is, Lord, �Here Patti is; send me.�

Do I love God enough to submit?

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 12:25:00 -0500

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." Ephesians 5:22.

The submission passages have been on my heart for quite sometime now. You see, I've been livin' by these verses accordin' to how I've been taught my whole life. "It's a contractual thing, you submit, he loves..." something along the lines of you do right when/if he does right. I've been taught, "The man's job is a whole lot harder, we just have to submit, they have to love..." Yet, did I really understand what it means to submit?

A very wise woman told me, "It is more important to be the right person than to be married to the right person." I mean, really, do you think that God was surprised by my husband's sinful nature and may at times not behave as he ought? Do you think that while in my prayers the Lord might say, "Oh well, Patti, when I told you to submit, I really had no idea that he might do that..." God was and is perfectly aware that our husbands were and are sinful when He told us wives that our place is under the authority of our husbands. God is not surprised and yet His program still works! (BTW, even at Carl's "worst" I do not even come close to half the challenges that many Godly and submissive saints have to face!)

I finally discovered what submission meant in theory and looked like in action. It is cheerful, it is changin' my attitude to be a helpmeet to my husband and complete his vision, not expectin' him to be the one to change and fulfill mine. Submission regardin' his feelin's first, submission means sometimes doin' what doesn't seem right or fair. If you only submit when you agree or when your husband "obeys" your boundaries isn't submission, it's doin' what you want to do or negotiated to obtain. I can say that since really puttin' all my trust in God and am learnin' to surrender myself fully to God's program, I'm fallin' in love with my husband in a whole way I never even knew existed. My husband is changin' too, in his own ways, as his walk with God deepens, and guess what I realized? All those fake "submissions" that I described earlier, those things were fearful hindrances to Carl's walk! Now that I've moved out of the way and let the Holy Spirit lead Carl, and quit tryin' to be Carl's "Jiminey Cricket", Carl is learnin' all the things that I'd been wantin' him to learn all along and a whole lot more that I didn't even have the faith to believe could change! But now it is out of his desire to love me as Christ loved the Church rather than his surly, bossy wife brow beatin' him with naggin', poutin', "boundaries" and "education".

That doesn't mean that I never ever say anything contrary. There are times when I lovingly might say (always out of the sight of the children), "Sweetheart, I know you really want to work on your tone with the kids, did you realize the tone you used with ____ was a little harsh". Then I let it go. I might say, "Honey, would you mind takin' a break from that so that I can talk to you about somethin' on my heart?" Then I let him decide what he wants to do. If he takes a break, I'm grateful and try my best to be brief (oh so very hard for me to do!) and let him decide how much time he's willin' to give me. You know what? He knows that my heart intent is to be a helper not a hindrance. Since he knows that I don't want to nag and am discernin' about what concern I might need to bring to him, and when I do bring a concern he knows it's serious because I'm not on his back about every little thing.

There's so much more that I could share but I'll have to save that for another time.

<a href="http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/DandelionSeeds/ ">Dandelion Seeds</a> led me to the <a href="http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf ">30 Day Challenge</a> that <a href="http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/SHMILYtime/185025/ ">S.H.M.I.L.Y.</a> blogged about doin' for our hubbies startin' in Sept. I hope you all will join me as I commit to it! I'll try to post everyday accordin' to the day's "challenge", but be patient. Since I do have a history of preterm labor, I may need to take a break...uh...to deliver a baby sometime durin' the month of September! I hope you all will understand! LOL!

Anyway, let's take a month and bless the socks off our hubbies, saved, unsaved, strong or strugglin'!

A dog's life...

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 12:06:00 -0500

I love animals. I always have. Once upon a time I dreamed of bein' a veterinarian, but I realized there was no way I could deal with people bringin' in dogs that were abused, neglected or hit by cars...Nope. I don't have that strong of heart.

So, my life has been filled with dogs since as long as I can remember. Thankfully, I married a man that loves dogs just about as much as I do. There will never be a time in our life when we don't have a dog. Our family just doesn't work well without one. When we lost our beloved 10 1/2 year old Bishop tragically (he'd broken out of the kennel he was boarded at, was hit and killed by a car while we were on vacation), we vowed we'd take a break from dogs for a while. We made it a month before God brought us Chaos. That little ball of fluff would bring us so much joy, despite livin' up to his name on several occasions.

Our dogs are spoiled. There's just no gettin' around it. Each of my kids have inherited our love of animals. With five people totally at Chaos' beck and call for play, ear scratches and food, what dog could be happier? Our evenings are almost always filled with hootin' and hollerin' kids as they chase him around (and are chased by him). He adds his joyful sounds to the mix, his play bark. I hope this baby in my belly can sleep through the mayhem, a good sign is that he or she no longer "jumps" at the evening ruckus.

We entered into a new world of cat ownership last year too, when we adopted "Mischief" at a young 6 weeks. I have to say that I still prefer dogs to cats, but Mischief has brought yet another layer of delight, although all on his terms (felines!). I saw a card the other day with a picture of a cat and it said, "Dogs have masters, cats have slaves." That is pretty much our relationship with Mischief. We may pet his royal head if and only if he permits. Some days he doesn't feel like jumpin' all the way up to on top of the dryer to get to his food (we keep it up there to Chaos-proof his meals), seein' how this same cat can jump on top of our entertainment center which is twice the height of the dryer, it is merely a ploy to ensure we are firmly under his right paw. He'll dance around our heels and howl at us indignantly until we thick-minded slaves pick him up and place him in front of his food dish. You'd think we might get a grateful purr or somethin', not Mischief. He gives us this sort of eye-ball rollin' glare like, "Well it's about time!" Yet, he is far too cute for us not to love to pieces. So I guess we'll have to deal...

I just feel like animals add so much to our life. Our kids learn about how to selflessly love God's creatures and that even if they can't speak for themselves, we need to be strong enough to be gentle and compassionate. Our family dream is to one day own a farm. Our kids talk about havin' horses, chickens, a dairy cow, lots more dogs and a few more cats. It's a fine dream. Well, until Carissa adds to the list of residents baby giraffes, lion cubs, a grizzly bear and then Connor wants a Zebra to ride instead of a horse, but Carissa does not want a hippopatomus because "They is gross." Whew, I was really worried about that one.

So I suppose all things become complete. I've traded in my dream of bein' a veterinarian for ownin' my very own zoo.

"A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast: but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel." Proverbs 12:10