A companion to our journey in the fight to survive a brain tumor and continue homeschooling our children. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/ en-us Homeschool Blogger Thu, 29 Jan 2009 11:39:00 -0600 Thu, 29 Jan 2009 11:39:00 -0600 Hi, I was going to title my entry "On the Great Roller Coaster Ride" but then I thought it overkill. Too melodramatic. So, I am just waiting to see if there is a seat waiting for me on the roller coaster. I went to the tumor center yesterday for an appointment with the neurologist. I have a preliminary report on the unwanted brain-guest but he was going to delve a bit further with me. Dr. V. said the tumor is stable. It has not grown. It has not shrunk. He noticed some swelling and maybe some flares which indicate cell activity. But, he said he was looking hard for it since I was having symptoms (headaches that won't go away), he thinks something is happening that is too small to see on the MRI. He compared the most recent scan with one over two years ago and said there is marked improvement. He called the 2006 scan "really ugly". He suggested I start chemotherapy. He said it might keep the tumor from growing but it is only a small chance. It's not certain that the tumor is becoming active. Dr. V. says my symptoms will announce future activity but it isn't definite that the tumor is planning on growing because my headaches are increasing. I have opted not to start chemo yet. I am saving that as the "Hail Mary" pass when we have exhausted all other options. Now, I am on a stronger pain medication. If that doesn't take care of the headaches, I will start steroids (yuck) and if that doesn't help, then I will go to chemotherapy. I am praying that the pain will just go away. Come to think of it, I am praying the same fate for the tumor! The headaches are not incapacitating. My head feels like a big bruise (opening for a joke here). It fades and returns on and off but it never really goes away. This is where the concern comes into play. So, the outcome of all of this is that we really don't know what is coming next. I am asking for more time with my wonderful children, my loving husband, my other supportive family members. But even more than that, I am asking that God would accomplish His will in me and through me. Use me, Lord, in all my fears and failings.You are worthy, Father. Please show Yourself powerful in my life. I'll update as the news comes in. Love, Elyse http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/651995/ Thu, 29 Jan 2009 11:39:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/651995/ I had grand plans to write on New Year's Day about my high aspirations for this new year. Title "This Year I'm Gonna" and I was going to elaborate on my fondest wishes and best ideas. Well, that didn't happen. Oh well, maybe next year! Anyway, the muse didn't offer enough for me to write about then. And I just can't write until something hits me in the face to write about. So, I have news that I can share. I have been getting headaches that will not go away. At first I thought it was the weather. Low pressure systems give me headaches. But, Ibuprofen would not take it away as it usually does. We went to an MRI appointment last Friday at 10pm. That astounded me that they were still open that late but it is. A neurologist gave an initial report that there was no growth of the tumor. He said there may be some swelling and he saw some cell activity but he said I did not have to go on steroids (PRAISING GOD, here). I have an appointment with Dr. Friedman next week and I should know more. I am hoping I don't need chemotherapy. I feel like that is the "Hail Mary" pass of the tumor world and I would rather not go there. But, if it is what is necessary, then so be it. The headache is like a bruise on my whole head. It occasionally flares up in certain spots. The drugs I have been using aren't really touching it. The headache doesn't land me on my back in pain. It is just a constant thrum of pain. My dizziness, if this is possible, is gaining on me. But, I can still sit up and take nourishment, which my Nana says is the greatest blessing when you aren't feeling so good. I will write again with something witty and clever when I think of something witty and clever to say. I hope it comes soon! Joyfully, Elyse http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/649109/ Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:51:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/649109/ Yes, it is the last week in August but there is still time to go on vacation! This Friday begins our summer vaction! It's a much anticipated, much needed rest and I am so thankful it's finally here! I had my biannual MRI and neurology appointment last week. Repeating a good idea from last time, I went to my MRI appointment with some girlfriends and then we went out for dinner. It was lots of fun! The next morning, Craig and I went to the Tumor Center. My appointment was at 9am. I wasn't seen until after 1pm. It may have been a matter of bad scheduling but I think it was also that there are so many people coming in with tumors that need lots of time with the doctor. I am always so affected by the number of people sitting with me in the waiting room. Lots of the patients are waiting with their families and friends. This kind of appointment requires lots of support.  I always try to listen to other people talking while I wait. It isn't any of my business, I know, but I like to find out where they are in their journey. I feel like we're like a fraternity and I am endlessly curious. Every time I am forced to spend a lot of time in the waiting room, I am overwhelmed by the sadness, the hopelessness that seems to be part of this place. I want to hug each person who has tears falling down their faces. I want to tell them that there is hope. Maybe there isn't hope for a complete recovery of their lives before the tumor, but there is hope of eternity that is theirs for the taking. Someday, someday, I will figure out a way to support these people. To show them the silver lining of this cloudy experience. Well, finally, the doctor came in. He's usually a smiley kind of person and this time his smile seemed a little bigger. He told us there is evidence of the tumor either shrinking or becoming scar tissue. This is very good news! There was no evidence of the tumor being alive. There were no flares coming off of the tumor which says there is no growth occurring. It will take more time and more MRI's in the future to supplement this information but it's a wonderful report anyway! Thank you so much, God! My feelings are in flux right now and I don't know how to explain them. So, I'll just leave it here and give God all the glory for the great things He has done. Thank you, Lord. Joyfully, Elyse http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/577802/ Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:45:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/577802/ I presented the ideas found in the book Praying in Color by Sybil MacBeth. I am posting the text that I gave at the Women's Ministry Breakfast at Grace Community Church in Angier, NC. When my parents told their parents that they were pregnant for the first time, they all started praying. They prayed for a healthy pregnancy, for a safe delivery, for me to know Jesus at a young age, for a mate who would be God’s perfect will for me and probably a thousand other things. I was born on a Monday and the following Sunday my mother brought me to church. After the service, she laid me on the altar and said, "She is yours, Lord." When I was living a life far from fellowship with God, my mother prayed for me. I was on vacation in the Bahamas with my college friends. On our plane ride back, we hit some stomach-churning turbulence. My best friend was convinced that this was it. I reassured her by saying, "Don’t worry, my mother prays for me. God won’t let anything happen to me and since we’re on this plane together, we’ll be just fine." I prayed for a husband. I prayed for a job. I prayed for another child after I had a miscarriage. I have prayed for friends going through divorce. I have prayed when I needed to find lost keys. When our dog ran out the door, I have prayed that He would bring her back alive. I have prayed for the salvation of my in-laws and for the safety of my brother-in-law while he was in Iraq. I prayed for Linda and for the healing of my grandparents who are slowly succumbing to the difficulties of aging. Every night I pray with each of my children and I try each time to pray for a different aspect of their lives and their relationship with the Almighty God. Like many of you, I have prayed for big things and little things. I’ve prayed long, gut-wrenching prayers and the shortest one ever, "Jesus" when I think I’m about to get into an accident or my child is falling out of some high place and headed for a broken bone. There is much to say, theologically, about prayer. How many times is it mentioned? 109 times in the Old and New Testament of the King James version. What is the first mention of prayer? Genesis 4:26. Though mankind and God have been communicating since God breathed life into Adam. What is the dictionary definition of praying? To ask earnestly; address or petition; ask with humility and reverence; supplicate; to make supplication to God. God speaks to us through the Bible. We speak to God through prayer. So what does God say about praying in the Bible? Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" We can go to our Father God with anything. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big thing or a little thing. Those things in our lives which cause us anxiety are just the things to bring to the Lord in prayer. I pray with my children every time they lose a toy. Then we praise the Lord together for answer to our prayers. Romans 8:26 says "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." When you don’t have any more words to say. When the pain is too great. When we don’t know what to say, God has us covered. He has sent the Holy Spirit to intercede for us in a language beyond words. James 5:16 says "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The fervent prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." Prayer is the key that will unlock the chains that keep us enslaved in sin. Prayer brings healing. I Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Prayer is not something relegated to the dinner table or saved for the last seconds of consciousness each night. While we should pray at those times, prayer is more of a flowing river of communication between us and God. These are just a few times praying is mentioned. Prayer is like a many-sided diamond. Every time you study it, it reveals more of itself. It is a gem that doesn’t lose any of its attraction, no matter how many times you look at it. You could spend a long time studying it and still there would be more to discover. Right now we’ll focus on one facet of praying: our personal relationship to prayer. The benefits of a healthy prayer life are many. But even if our prayer life is on the south side of healthy, there are still benefits. I can think of nothing more important than talking to the Creator of the universe, the lover of our souls, the beginning and the end in my walk as a Christian. But even so, sometimes there are roadblocks to prayer. Here are a few of those roadblocks. I think it is safe to say all of us have encountered one or more of these at one time or another: Your attention wanders after "Dear Jesus" Your prayers feel like a Christmas list instead of a love letter to God The right words escape you and you feel the effort is hopeless Your prayers feel inadequate or self-centered or phony You’re bored with the same old prayers You forget who you promised to pray for You can’t wait for prayer time to end You start praying and realize you’re thinking about paying the bills Prayer feels like checking off a to-do list You fall asleep while praying Prayer feels like an obligation and therefore a drudgery You feel inferior to other Christians Then, so many times, I resort to throwing prayer darts. "Hi God. Bye God" Then, there is the responsibility we have to pray for others. When someone asks you to pray for them, it’s not an invitation to lunch. It’s a yellow flag that is yelling, "Help" or "Danger". That person is opening a door that leads into a room where vulnerability, sorrow and maybe fear is trying to set up residence. And or course, there is always guilt. It hovers over us like a helicopter. It can land anywhere in our day with a swiftness that can take your breath away. Or, it can drive stakes into our hearts and set up camp, fully expecting to make a home there. But worry slanders every promise in the Word of God. Why worry when you can pray? Worry should be the checkered flag that starts us on a race to prayer. It’s a place to start, not a place to stay. Worry is a dead end. It takes us to the wrong side of tracks, to a neighborhood full of self-indulgence, paralysis and emptiness. But prayer chauffeurs us out of that place and exposes worry for what it really is; inaction pretending to be action. Praying is an action verb. And since the very first thing God did in this universe was to create, I think I can’t go wrong by imitating Him. My creation is not even in the same galaxy at what God can do, but as I am made in His image, I don’t think it is wrong to bring the gift of creativity that He has given all of us into our prayer lives. It’s called Praying in Color. It is the invention of Sybil MacBeth. Now, I can’t tell you what flavor of Christian she is. The book she wrote to explain this method is not a theological treatise on praying. But, I think this is a wonderful idea. All you need is a writing instrument and paper. You can use a lot of time or just a short time. This can be done morning, afternoon or night. And it can happen anywhere. Take out your pens, markers, crayons or pencils and use the paper in the center of the table and let’s get started. Here are the steps (draw on white board): Draw a shape on paper Inside that shape write the name of the person for whom you are praying. Add detail: this is not an exercise in artistic drawing. It is the creation of a visual image to help heart and hand remember Enhance the drawing: each stroke is time spent praying for that person Keep drawing until you feel you’re finished Add color Start with a new request, person or verse When you are finished, spend some time looking at your drawing to allow it to make an impression on your memory. Now this method does not preclude distraction. If you get distracted, don’t start judging yourself and get discouraged. It’s okay to notice the distraction but refocus on praying. If the distraction comes back write a word on your page that will help you remember it later and keep praying. Here are some more applications for praying in color: Compost prayers – everything and the kitchen sink prayers when we dump complaints, whining, complaining and misery; those heavy burdens that God has promised to take for us. God turns our garbage into compost, but we have to throw it out first. Thanksgivings – count your blessings name them one by one. Count your blessings, see what God has done. Amends – With whom do you need to make amends, to make apologies, ask for forgiveness. Write the names and the wrongs. Use the drawing as a dress rehearsal. It may not even be possible to do this in person but if you invite God into the process of your confession clarity and cleansing can happen. Spiritual journey – Make a map of your personal journey to God. Include the big things and the little things that happened along the way. One memory will trigger another and you’ll remember or discover for the first time how God has been standing next to you all along. Mentors – Who has helped you in your spiritual life? Sunday school teachers, parents, other relatives, pastors, friends may all be on that list. Are there less obvious people who have helped you see how much God loves you? Personal mission statement – Verbalize and visualize who you are, whose you are and what is important to you. Healing of memories – Use praying in color to articulate old wounds, or even fresh ones, face them and then face them down. Names for God – Let your drawing become a meditation on the way we understand and expand knowledge of God. Scripture – Write the first verse or sentence of the verse you want to memorize. Repeat it while you add designs and color until you can say it with ease. With a calendar – Use a blank calendar to record a prayer a day. Create an intercessory advent calendar and add a new person every day. Let’s each choose at least one of these ideas and take 10-15 minutes to pray in color. Praying is an action verb. Here is another way to put your prayers into action. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him" Ephesians 1:3-4     http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/562799/ Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:52:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/562799/ Hi! I haven't written in over four months. Linda's passing affected me deeply and I didn't have anything to say. As my dad says, "I've used all my words." While her death has made me sad because I don't get to see her and speak to her, I am so excited that she is in heaven, talking to Jesus. It also affected me on another level, though. My deepest sadness when I think about my own mortality is how it will affect my children. Even as I type, my eyes fill with tears when I think of being apart from them. I watched Linda's children at the funeral service and the gravesite and all I could think of was how my children would be handling this situation. Linda's children are adults, yes, but I couldn't help but think about my own children. It made my heart hurt to think they may have to sit in the front of the church while I am eulogized, but also reminded me how important every day that I am given is to the lives of my five children. I do miss you, Linda. Three years ago today, I was given the news that I had an inoperable brain tumor. Two days prior, I had gotten an MRI because I was incredibly tired, I was having trouble signing my name, dragging my left foot when I walked and having a terrible pain in my head when I bent over. I had gone to the emergency room at Rex Hospital at the insistance of the radiology technician who had read my scan. He wouldn't say what the problem was exactly, just that I needed to go to the emergency room, immediately. I was transferred by ambulance early in the morning to Duke University Hospital because the neurologists at Rex didn't have the capacity to deal with my case. I needed to be seen by one of the best neurology oncologists in the world. That made me scared. I had a 10 week old baby and four other children waiting for me at home. I was a nursing mom. I had a lot of wonderful work in front of me. This just couldn't be the end of the road here on earth. I was diagnosed with a low-grade glioma lodged in my brain stem. Talk about deer in the headlights! In a moment that brought great clarity, my neurosurgeon said, "We're dealing with shadows here. We really don't know how dangerous the tumor is." This is the same neurosurgeon who removed the brain tumor from Edward Kennedy a few months ago. The immediate concern was the swelling around the tumor. My symptoms were largely a result of that swelling and a stroke was a clear and present danger. I got on a super high dose of steroids and a 30-day round of radiation. The swelling went down and the tumor did not grow. Now, it's been three years. The tumor has not grown but neither has it shrunk. I have lost some hearing and my eyesight has declined. I am constantly dizzy, like I just got off the Tilt-a-Whirl, all day. I could go back to bed for the day by 10am. And I am constantly fighting emotions that seem to be one step ahead of my thoughts and words. Even so, it is well with my soul. Now that I am in the thick of living with these restrictions and shortcomings, I often question God. Three years ago, it was clear to me. God is in control and He loves me more than I can imagine. He loves my children more than I do. He has a plan for me and it is perfect. All of those things are still true. They have not changed one little bit. What did change were my assumptions and expectations of what my life would be like as I grew older. I often get stuck in this vortex of wanting to wring every last bit of life out of every day and being so tired that I can't finish a sentence without stuttering. It's aggravating, and tiring. So what can I do? Bring it to the Lord in prayer. That is my recourse. It isn't a magic wand that waves itself over my life and makes everything shiny and perfect. Sometimes, He changes my circumstances, sometimes He gives me a different perspective. In either case, He shows me He loves me so much. I don't go to the Lord every time, but I know I should. Sometimes, my sadness and fear takes me far from the arms of my Creator. But, when I finally bring the burden of this tumor to Him, He always answers with love and grace. Thank you, Lord, for giving me more days than I was told to expect. Thank you for walking next to me every step of this experience. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for reminding me that You have it all under control and nothing takes You by surprise. I love you, Lord. Joyfully, Elyse http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/562796/ Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:01:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/562796/ Hi! March already! I have had a few people encourage me, in a nice way, to please update my blog more often. This problem has plagued me since I started this endeavor. I am a good planner, but my follow through is so lacking. Please have mercy on me for that! I am a writer, though, and my one explanation for taking so much time is that I need to hear the muse before I feel comfortable writing anything. The muse could rightly be called inspiration of the Holy Spirit. So, here goes: I had my regularly scheduled MRI in the beginning of February. I was driven in style to the MRI office by two of my friends and compatriots in homeschooling and mothering. Jeanne, Cyndi and I then treated ourselves to dinner. Hey, it may be a little unorthodox to use an MRI appointment as an excuse for a mom's night out, but, if you have children, you know you'll take whatever you can get! The next day Craig and I went for my neurology appointment. The dr. said that the tumor had not changed and since there had not been a change since October, he didn't think chemo would be helpful. Yeah! I don't need to make a decision! I am glad I don't need chemo right now. God deserves the credit for that victory! I do need to have my wisdom teeth removed along with another bad one. Since my teeth were jostled around when the tumor swelled, they have been cracking and breaking. I hate to have to deal with it at all but they are giving me ogada (sp?) so out they go! But it's a process to get the oral surgeon to talk with the radiologist and make decisions about the procedure, etc. AH! My pastor's dear wife is declining in health. She is home but sleeps all the time. She has been asleep for two days without waking to eat or anything else. Pastor Brad called it a coma. There doesn't seem any other outcome now but that she will soon be home with her Creator, God. Of course, God could choose to raise her up and restore her health. Lazarus, the centurion's son, Jesus himself escaped from the grasp of death. It is not that God is not able, it is that He has a bigger perspective than I do. It is a hard way, but I trust that love and capability even when it brings me sadness, great sadness. God loves Linda and Brad so much. It sounds cliche but if she dies, she goes to a place so much better than here. A place where there is no death, no sorrow, no separation. And, in just a twinkling of an eye, we'll be there too. Not a place where we sit on a cloud and play harps all day. A place where there is no sin! No hatred! No corruption! The best way I can describe what I think heaven will be like is that it will be just like living on earth, but only the best parts of it. The love, the joy, the friendships, the sunsets, sunrises. Trees bursting forth with flowers. The smell of the air is so sweet and it never gets old. Never to have to leave the ones we love so much. And best of all, to be in the presence of the One who knows me so well and loves me so much. To be with the One who created me. I want everyone I love to be there with me. I love a lot of people. Many, I know, I will see in Paradise. But there are others about whom I am not sure. Please, please figure out if you know where you're going when the inevitable appoinment with death comes. A year ago, Linda could never have imagined she would be sleeping all day in a hospital bed as her loving husband stokes her forehead and tells her he loves her. I don't want to seem too preachy, but I am just pulled asunder by these events. I love you too much to lose you eternally. I just got a phone call that Linda went home to be with Jesus this morning. I am so thankful I got to tell her I love her yesterday. It'll be just a moment before I get to see her again; this time in perfect paradise. Joyfully, Elyse http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/491486/ Mon, 3 Mar 2008 08:16:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/491486/ http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/455591/ Fri, 4 Jan 2008 16:44:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/455591/ Here is what I have written to say to my church family at Grace Community Church tomorrow as we light the third candle of advent. David asked me to say a few words about Joy because I sign all of my emails with "Joyfully, Elyse". So, I thought I would tell you the story behind my signature. If you ever have the occasion to visit a psychologist he or she may give you list of stress inducers to try and gauge your level of stress and therefore know how to help you. I think the list contains about 10-15 life experiences that cause stress in your life. Over the course of about 18 to 24 months I experienced all but two of those situations, some at the same time and some one right after the other. My marriage was in crisis. I lost two very close friendships. We put our house on the market to sell. My husband lost his job. I found out I was, unexpectedly, pregnant. We packed up our home and moved in with relatives. My husband got another job. I had our fifth child. And then came the icing on the cake. I was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor when our new baby was 10 weeks old. I think the only two things on the list that didn’t happen during that time was a death in the family and a natural disaster. When the news of the brain tumor hit, I finally started signing my emails with "Joyfully". Why in the world would joy become my signature when I had just been told my life could be cut far too short? Before all of this upheaval in my life, I was living with relatively little distress. My children were all healthy, my husband had a well paying job and I belonged to a great church and I had wonderful friendships. I had everything I needed and wanted. Shouldn’t joy have been my signature back then? It wasn’t like I wasn’t joyful before, it was just that I hadn’t really experienced the true nature of joy. The Greek root for the word rejoice or joy refers to leaping or springing up like a gush of water, like a huge fountain. There is some outside pressure holding the water in until the inside pressure grows so much that it explodes. It can’t be held in any longer. The emotions I was feeling, sadness, despair, loneliness, anger was the outside pressure. I underwent 30 treatments of radiation. My husband and I drove to the hospital every day at noon. And every day that I went into the radiation room, I knew that Jesus was in the room with me. He sat down right above my head as the machine started to whir and laid His hands on me and told me that He was not going to leave me alone. He was going to walk through all of this with me, before me and behind me. Joy exploded in my life. You see, nothing but circumstances had changed. God still sat on His throne. He was not taken by surprise when the radiologist told me to buy an oxygen tank and sign a living will. His love for me and my family had not changed one iota. My future is secure, I am joyful. His name is praised, I am joyful. He works all things together for good, I am joyful. Many, including myself, asked, "Why?" Why a youngish woman with five young children, Lord? Why have it work out this way? But why is not the question to ask. I don’t know why and I don’t mind that. I don’t mind because while I don’t know why, I do know Who. Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace. So I sign my emails "Joyfully, Elyse" to remind myself that I will not find joy in my circumstances. I find joy because of who God is and what He has promised me. I also do it to remind everyone who reads my emails that I am filled with joy because I know that my Redeemer lives. Joyfully, Elyse http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/445452/ Sat, 15 Dec 2007 20:10:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/445452/ Hi All, I have been getting steadily dizzier over the past few weeks and I have begin getting headaches that were increasing in severity. The ibuprofen wasn't really working either. While I was at the supermarket two weeks ago I finally became overwhelmed with the dizziness. It was time to go to the hospital. Off we went. A dose of morphine and a CAT scan later, we were on our way home. I would come back again for an MRI and then again for a consult with the neurologist. They could find no swelling and no bleeding in the ER, which was good. But the symptoms suggested something going on. The MRI showed no remarkable change in the tumor. But, because it occupies 80% of the space in my brain stem, any small movement will affect my ability to function. The doctors have to go on my symptoms because the MRI doesn't really catch the incredibly fine changes in the tumor. They did say there may be more "flares" coming off the tumor which would indicate a change in the activity level or the grade of the tumor. Meaning, it may not be growing but it may be changing composition and becoming cancerous. The suggested treament is Temador, chemotherapy. I am currently on steroids to see if that helps my dizziness and headaches. I have up to a month to decide if I want to take this route. I am also drinking lots of carrot juice to support my immune system. I don't know how I feel right now. Sad? Angry? Frustrated? I am dizzy like when you get off a spinning ride at a carnival, all the time. I've gone from forever buzzed to drunk. My headaches come more often and are more painful than they have been and the ibuprofen doesn't always get it done. I've had to stop drinking sweet tea. Am I whining or what? I am feeling down and sorry for myself. I know it is just temporary. I don't want to have to think about going blind or losing even more abilities. BUT GOD. He is still in control and I will not be afraid. He will never lead me where His grace cannot keep me. His hand is in this even though I cannot see it right now. Let's watch together and see what miraculous things God will do. Looking for joy in the storm, Elyse http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/426126/ Tue, 13 Nov 2007 10:02:00 -0600 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/426126/ A few weeks ago a family in out church found out their 13 month old daughter had a brain tumor. We know the family fairly well since we've been in the same small group for almost a year. The tumor was a quarter of the size of her brain. They operated on it and removed all of it. But, she has been in a coma since the operation and there is no medical reason the doctors can see that she is in the coma. She looks like she is just sleeping, like you could shake her and she would open her eyes and smile and all would be right with the world. That hasn't happened yet and she has been dealing with infections from the surgery and the toll the tumor has taken on her. She is deep in the woods still. A normal first reaction is to get angry. Why this little girl? She hasn't lived long enough to make any mistakes. She hasn't eaten a poor diet. She hasn't experienced so many things. Why her? It just isn't fair, is it. Why does her mother have to sit by her hospital bed day in and day out and wonder if she's going to come home. If she does come home will she be bedridden until her death? Will she be brain damaged? How long? How can God let this happen? I don't know the answer. The question is inevitable because God is supposed to be in control of everything. If He's a loving God, how can He allow such misery, such sadness, such loss? I don't know how He does it. The only answer I have is that He is a loving God even when we can't see that love. Little Cali's life rests in the palm of His hand whether I agree with what He is doing or not. My life rests in the same loving palm. I have to remind myself that He sees the picture of this life in the biggest possible terms. He sees all sorts of things that I could never see. He has a reason. And it might make me mad, pound my fists into my pillow before I go to sleep. But, in the end I know that He will work all things together for the good to those who are the called, to those who love Him. That doesn't mean that everything that happens will be good. It means that He weaves the good and bad into something that He calls good. What is happening with my dear friends, the Moody family, is not good. It isn't good no matter how you twist and turn it and try to make it shine. That dog won't hunt. I am praying that God will take this awful thing and work it out so that He can call it good. And I know He will. I know that because He has never failed me yet, and there have been lots of times when He could have walked away from me. Things happen to me every day that are not good but I want Him to have so much influence in my life that those things that are bad, awful, embarassing can be made good in His eyes. I pray that God would be glorified through Cali's illness. If I didn't know that God is still in control, there would be no reason for hope in this situation. But He is and He will move. I don't know how He will heal Cali. He may choose to heal her completely and in a few years this will only be a very bad memory. He may choose to heal her ultimately and bring her home to Himself. He may do something in between those two choices. He loves us more than we can understand. So, please pray for a miracle for Cali and her mom and dad, Chad and Sarah, and big sister Bella. If you think God is capricious, a big, bad boogey man who moves us around like pieces on a chess board, I challenge you to test Him. Ask him for a miracle and see what He does. He's a big God and He can handle doubts and skepticism. I can't wait to share what He's done, to praise the work of His hands. The chorus of one of my favorite songs I sang at Grace the Church on the Mount in NJ is this: Praise God, on high, all that's wrong will be made right. How we long for the day every wounded soul would be made whole. So let's worship Him with a mighty voice. Like we're already with Him in paradise. Praise God on high. praise God. I hope to write again soon. Joyfully, Elyse     http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/360574/ Sat, 21 Jul 2007 16:38:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom/360574/