On the road...back Home - Homeschool Blogger

Identical Strangers

Wed, 2 Sep 2009 23:10:00 -0500

I am wasting to much time on bejeweled on facebook..but I love it.
I just love facebook.
Especially today, when my brother Frankie added pictures of his little baby online. She is so cute, and its weird to say that she is my niece. Victoria asked me who she was and I said "my brothers daughter"...duh..she is your cousin. Weird huh..
Anyway, its just all about knowing your place.

My place is outside the realm where your niece is not your niece but your brothers daughter.
She is cousin to my daughter, but I think of her as my brothers daughter...
When I think of my hubby's nephew and niece I easily call them MY nephew and nieces..and they aren't even blood relatives. As for blood relatives they are other peoples children. I am sure my "family" thinks of my kids the same way.
I don't think they hold a place in their hearts as their nephew and nieces..how could they?

I know when I see Frankie's baby, my heart melts!!!

But I don't know her and she doesn't know me!!

Its a weird weird thing to wrap your mind around it.

Sometimes I think its just me over thinking things!!

It doesn't sadden me any longer because its like fighting a losing battle.

After reading Identical Strangers, I realize my feelings are more normal than people realize.

Sadly, though, that book made me realize that you need to have the bond of an Identical twin to really bond with your birth family. They bonded together but with no one else. Their birthmother died and they call their biological family.. the Witt family in the acknowledgments..Thanks to the Witt family..not thanks to our family..

I do that sometimes because..well..its all about the realm and being outside of it.

Thanks for the memories

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 22:38:00 -0500

I did something I shouldn't have done. I started reading some reunion blogs. See, I shouldn't have done that because its that time of the month..you know...that time when I get all emotional and stuff.
Well, so I am emotional..but not for the reason you might think. I am totally over this reunion. Not in a bad way, I mean..I finally found a plateau of sorts. I realized that there is nothing more I need from this reunion. Well, I might need lots of things, there is nothing that I am going to get that I need. What a feeling to know that I have surpassed that need or desire or whatever it was. Its a very liberating thing.
I am so grateful for the wonderful people that are in my life on a daily or regular basis. Sigh..its awesome to know that I am surrounded by my family, a wonderful church, a great calling (that I was afraid to take) wonderful youth, and a loving God.
I got to meet my parents and that was an awesome thing. I am not part of them but they are a part of me and I will treasure that knowledge. We might not have much in common but I am glad that I found that we share some little dna and that I might look like so and so and sound like so and so..and that one day I might have a huge problem with my knees. LOL
But, aside from that I realized all I ever needed I had right here.

To quote a little girl searching for something grand herself "THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME"

and you know what Dorothy, you are 100% right.

been busy

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 13:55:00 -0500

I haven't had a chance to stop by and chat for a little while. I have been busy.
Kids started school.
Youth conference (2 days)
school
homeschool
trying to keep house in order
playing bejeweled. = )
drama
and more drama

Yikes!!
Well, my kids have started school. The two that attend school. They are finishing up their 2nd week. We lost bus service to our area (charter school) so we car pool to the nearest bus stop. We have to meet up at 5:55 am and then a parent takes them to the bus stop. Same thing in reverse for pick up. Last night we went to jersey night. The kids have to earn their uniform t shirt..and last night they received it. It was lots of fun. I am proud that my kids attend that school. I don't think I would have sent them anywhere else. I still want to homeschool them..but I am not. I homeschool my other kids but will probably send them when they are middle school age. I have one home that is middle school age, but does not attend the school.
My new calling as Young Woman's counselor is great fun. We had our youth conference a couple of weekends ago. It was so awesome. The kids went to the temple in the am and then we went to Paradise Canyon by the river.
The next day was full of classes. I would have loved to attend them. But I was helping with the lunch etc.
The dance was last, but by that time I had to leave. Great fun was had by all. It was my oldest last youth conference and Patrick's first.
School is going well. Three more classes and I should be done. Next step might be a Masters..not sure yet.
Homeschool..working on Greek and Latin..or at least trying to.
House work-never ending..next topic
Drama...
Oh my the drama. Might need a whole different blog post for that. Gotta get the facts in order. Well, not so much the facts but the she said she said. LOL

And finally, bejeweled...addicted to it. Can't help it..itching to play it. LOL
Stopped couponing, started up again. Got some good deals that I posted on facebook.
other than that...life is good.

Young Women

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 08:55:00 -0500

I enjoyed the lesson Sunday, that I gave to the young women. It was on "studying the scriptures".

I wanted to instill the love and necessity of reading the scriptures, and pondering them. I also mentioned my favorite scriptues that have helped me..Proverbs 31.

I was hoping to have them understand that the scriptues are there as a guide as a light to a rightous life. I hope something got to them.

its so hard to be a teenage girl now. I am not sure how I did, but again, I hope something stuck.

House of order..

Mon, 3 Aug 2009 23:45:00 -0500

That has been weighing heavily on my mind..Well, it usually does, but I am not much for order. But lately, I have had a heavy weight on my mind concerning that scripture.

“Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God” ( D&C 88:119 ).

I sometimes feel overwhelmed with all that is required of me...especially the spiritual guidance of my family.

I want to make sure they are well prepared for all that comes their way.

I want to do all that is required of me. There is much..and part of that is the order of this house.

I need to establish the house of prayer..Having morning and evening prayer..is a start

I need a house of fasting..hard for me.

I need a house of faith..trying, trying so hard.

I need a house of learniing..trying as well.

I need a house of glory..at a loss.

I need a house of order..thats where I am overwhelmed.

trying to use these few hours in a day to homeschool, clean, organize, school, cooking, reading to the kids, preparing every needful thing...

I need order.

Today was good..a start. I worked on scripture mastery, greek, latin, math and worked with Samuel. We read scriptures twice, and I read about 5 bed time stories. Cooked, made bread (bread machine) and laundry. A good start!! I don't have problems with starting, its maintaining that I have problems.

I went to Lowes and walked around, wondering how to find time to make my house a house of order...If I only had to do one thing..I might be able to do it..

But I am going to try.

and so it goes

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 23:56:00 -0500

Sometimes it feels like I can't do anything right. Sometimes it feels that even when I move away and move on from this adoptee thing it comes back and bites me again. Drama..a cousin read my myspace blog..a post I was writing concerning another adoptee and her mother and she went and told people that I was writing about me. That I was writing about being thrown out like yesterdays trash. I was not talking about me..or my situation. Sadly, this will get to my bmom and cause more tension between us. She believes her family way before she believe me. I think they finally managed to destroy this already dead relationship. Sigh

feelings

Mon, 6 Jul 2009 17:42:00 -0500

my blog is my blog and I love to write about whatever I might be feeling (this very second) at any given time.

One thing that bothers me is that some people might feel that I am a bitter adoptee. I don't think I am.

I am upset, and sometimes angry and sometimes sad and sometimes hurt...

but I am also a normal human being. This is but a small part of me...

anyway, I was told that I hurt feelings when I write about adoptee issue on my blogs. Hmmm..so does that mean I have to shut my feeling up and not express that I hate the fact that I was abandoned?

And why do adoptees have to be the "happy" adoptees.

are we the only ones that have to hide feelings and make others feels good about themselves?

Or does it hurt others because they can't come to terms that they, or their family or someone they know left their child and that child feels abandoned and that reunion suck sometimes and that I have a heart and it breaks.

I am not really bitter, and for others to tell people that I am bitter, or mean or I need to "get over" it is wrong. Its pushing my feelings away and not allowing me to have the right to mourn my loss.

Its also sad that I have lived for 38 years and 36 of those years I never said one bad thing about adoption but those 36 years mean nothing. I start voicing my opinion for a little over a year and now I am a bitter adoptee.

Hmm..don't understand.

But one thing..if people feel hurt or offended, I am sorry..but I am not going to stop expressing my feelings on my blog. I suggest they stop reading.

organization

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 20:33:00 -0500

I have been trying and trying to get my life organized. I have been searching for planner that would fit my life and my needs. I haven't found one. I got pretty close yesterday but I didn't feel up to spending $24.00 for it. Not that $24 is a lot of money, its just that I love planners, buy them and then use them for a very little while and then want another. So, I am determined to spend money wisely. Its a start.

A few weeks ago our local library was having a book sale. I went in to see what they had to offer and within the boxes and boxes of books I found an old monthly planner. Just had a few months used up so I added it to my purchase. At first the ladies were confused until I explained that it was among the books. One lady asked a dime for it. I was more than willing to pay that..= ) but the other lady told her to just give it to me. I was happy to do that too.

So after yesterday, I decided to use that for now. I had also purchased a journal with the wording in front saying "In the lord I trust." I decided to use that too. In one I can put the appointments etc and in the other I can fill in my daily activities.

With my new calling, I feel that I need to be organized because I have lots of responsibilities (as soon as they tell me what they are) plus with home chores, and homeschooling..I really have to get organized and stay organized.

I am revisiting a household notebook. I had one before but I let it get out of control. I am going to try again.

Some of my sections will include:

A calender

Homeschool

address/phone numbers

school (for those I don't homeschool)

Young womans/church

spiritual

Chores

Menus

thats a start for that too.

I am also doing Managers of their Chores and so far its working well. I am very excited to have purchased it. I hope I continue having success. My house is already looking better.

I will speak more on that later as we get used to it.

I am really trying to get my life organized and trying hard to "get over" the emotional turmoil I have been going through.

I never realized that I could be such a bitter person when it came to adoption. I never was, until I found my mother.

I don't know why that is. I have a long way to go.

I think I am getting better..but I will admit I have lots of anger still..I can't seem to relate everything through adoptee eyes..everything...

But, I am trying, and little by little I will overcome this.

I am not really I'm not

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 23:28:00 -0500

I am reflecting on my conversation with my brother. It was really a great conversation but I started wondering about the other half of the sibling group..then I starting wondering about the bparents. Then I started wondering about me.

I realized..well, I already knew that I have a huge wall built around my heart. I have been trying to knock it down, but its not working because when I feel rejected again..I build it again but about 2 times as thick.

That has happened this whole year of reunion. I started with a cautious heart..tried opening it a little then felt rejected over and over again..by many people. Little rejections, like not returning calls. or waiting for days, weeks, months to call me again or at all..coming into town and ignoring me (for whatever reason)..those make me build my wall stronger each time. I decide that its not worth the effort to have a relationship with those people..why when all that I do is build the wall over and over again.

So, now I am starting again with my bdads family. I hope its not the same..I hope that we can meet and grow a real relationship.

Frankie wants to so badly..and so do I..

But I keep reliving my reunion with my mom and sisters. They are not bad people. They are good people but for someone that has such a distrust and doesn't want to open my heart just to have it broken again..I seem bad, or disinterested or mean or whatever..

But I am not..I am just hurt and very afraid of getting rejected over and over again.

I guess what many people don't understand is when an adoptee (who already feels rejected) is rejected again..then the defense is to reject them.

Oh, I have tried to open up. I have tried by reaching out..I have tried..but I withdraw again and again...any little thing will make me withdraw..but the big things make me just close up. ie..ignoring me, forgetting me, lying to me etc
I feel bad, I do. But its easier to build my wall and turn away from those that I feel are out to hurt me.
I know there are those who actually want to hurt me, for some reason..but those who don't, I am sorry that I don't let you in.
Not sure if that will ever change.

Got a new calling

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 12:20:00 -0500

and I am super scared and excited. I never imagined that I would have this calling because..well...I don't understand why I would be called.

Its going to be extremely time consuming but I think it will take me out my me funk and unto service to others.

I know I have been on the whine whine recently and if I look at my blog it happens always around the same time. So I chalked up to pms.

But..its also that I have pushed down so many emotions and they are ready to come out.

Talked to my mom and dad yesterday and the day before and I feel ok about the whole conversation.

I just don't know why this "primative wound" has such a hold on me.

I guess its the most basic of need.

Oh well...I am grateful for all the things that God has given me and I am ready to pay it forward with my new calling. I was up late last night working on some lessons, well reading them to get more in tuned with the spirit. Realized that I was wasting to much time on stupid things and decided to use computer time for spiritual growth instead of mind numbing experiences..like jumping back and forth from myspace to facebook

Now I have other things to deal with besides what could have been. Just know that I will probably deal with this on a regular basis when my hormonals are whacky.

i am still somewhere underneath is emotion. It only been a year and I am still trying to get used to it all.