A journal of our homeschool journey with our children. I will also post updates on Baby Faith here and the challenges we are facing in continuing Hope's education during this very trying time. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/ en-us Homeschool Blogger Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:35:00 -0500 Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:35:00 -0500 For those following our family's story solely by this blog, I'm sure you thought I had fallen off the earth.  I haven't felt mentally up to writing for a while.  I was beginning to slowly hit my stride this past week when we were hit yet again with another curve ball. Last Thursday morning, Hope started running a fever and began coughing later on in the day.  Friday morning the coughing was worse so I took her in to the Dr.  She tested postive for Type A flu, which is the H1N1 flu virus.  A prescription for Tamiflu was called in for her, Nate and Bill.  The bad news was Dad and Di, my stepmom, had come into town and were going to take Hope to the Zoo last Saturday.  Bill did go meet them to get Hope's birthday gifts but we couldn't take a chance of giving them what we have.  Yes, I said we.  Guess who else started feeling bad Friday evening? Yep, me.  So the next morning  I went into the urgent care place, and though I didn't test positive, the Dr. did give me a script for Tamiflu.  He said I may have come in so early that it wasn't showing up yet plus Hope testing postive and my having the same symptoms was enough for him.   If there is any good that came out of needing to go to the Dr, this was the same one that diagnosed my lung blood clots in August.  It was nice to be able to say thank you for potentially saving my life.   So far, the men in the house are still well, so lets hope we've seen the end of this.  Hope's been fever free for almost 48 hrs, but I'm still running a fever.  Hopefully this will be the last day.    This has been a major setback for me in that I'm so physically and mentally drained.  I was finally feeling like I was hitting my stride last week when this hit. Please pray that discouragement would not set in. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/737360/ Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:35:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/737360/ Back in 1983, while we were living in the Houston area, Hurricane Alicia made landfall.  We lived in the NW portion of Harris County so the storm surge was a non-issue for us.  The winds were another story, especially since we lived in a subdivision filled with very tall pine trees.  Thankfully we didn’t have any damage done to the house by falling tree limbs.  The storm itself was a little scary, but it was what happened afterwards that made it miserable.  As expected, our power went out and did not get restored until after 3 days.  The first day wasn’t too bad since there was still significant cloud coverage and the air was rain-cooled.  The second day started getting a little bit warmer and the house began to heat up as well.  Then came the third day when the sun appeared in full force, the humidity was so thick you could cut it with a knife and the inside of the house was unbearable.  Just about everyone on our block was out doing clean-up work because it was simply too hot to stay indoors.  New Orleans experienced the ultimate nightmare aftermath after weathering Katrina’s winds only to become flooded the next day after the levees collapsed. That’s the thing about storms, the actual storm itself may not be as hard as enduring the circumstances afterwards.  That’s a very good description of what the month of August was like for our family.  You could see the storm coming in and knew it was time to batten down the hatches, so to speak.  We were preparing ourselves to say goodbye to Faith and bracing ourselves for her last breath.  For reasons known only to the Lord, we never experienced this scenario.  I know people keep saying how strong I am but quite frankly it was more shell shocked numbness than strength.  I tried to suppress it for a long time, but I admit I was pretty upset with the Lord.  Even now, I’m still in a wrestling match with the Lord, asking him why we weren’t allowed to say hello to our daughter.  I read a story about a couple in the Dallas area that had a very similar experience with their son, who had Trisomy 13, except that they were able to bring their son home and he lived for 5 days.  I was so jealous and angry, not understanding why they got to bring their son home while we walked out of the hospital empty handed.  Then I read that this was their first child and at that I felt utterly ashamed of myself.  How could I be jealous of them when they didn’t have any other children?  We had two beautiful children waiting for us at home and had experienced the joy of welcoming them into the world.  At the end of the story, it was revealed that this couple is expecting a girl in January and that all tests have come back normal.  I found myself asking for the Lord’s forgiveness over my selfishness and giving Him praise for blessing this couple who had endured so much heartache with their first born. Of course what seemed to add insult to injury was my subsequent admittance into the hospital for blood clots in my lungs.  The pain was like nothing I had experienced before, and that should have been a huge clue to get my rear end into a doctor’s office.  When the doctor at the clinic said it was either pneumonia (I was in so much pain that I didn’t even notice I had a fever of 101) or blood clots in my lungs, Bill and I just looked at each other.  He told us that we needed to go to an ER for further evaluation.  I asked him how soon we needed to go and he said I had enough time to go get my toothbrush.  Here I was, already mentally and emotionally drained and experiencing unbearable pain, now I had to go back into a hospital.  I was scared and so many thoughts were running through my head.  I begged God not to bring me home yet.  I know as a believer we are supposed to be heaven-bound minded, but I am not ready yet.  I want to grow old with Bill, my lover and best friend, watch Hope and Nate grow up and to be able to be their teacher and share their delight in learning new things.  I want to be around my extended family and to be able to minister to others who are hurting and in need.  I know that as mothers, we do have the tendency of being more mindful of taking care of others and neglecting our own needs.  I have been guilty in recent years of not taking care of myself and if anything, this experience has reminded me that it is in my family’s best interest that I do need to be mindful of my health. That week was probably the longest week of my life.  The days seemed to drag on and on and with each day, my sleep continued to be spotty.  At one point I was so depressed when the kids were brought to the room and Nate didn’t want to come over to me.  It was like I was losing him too, that he didn’t know who I was.  I’m so thankful that Bill, my hero, held me in his arms and reminded that this was only temporary and that this would not be forever, that I was still Nate and Hope’s Mom and nothing would change that.  When you’re stuck in a hospital room and your discharge date keeps getting pushed further out, you begin to wonder if there is an end in sight and can lose perspective. Last Thursday was the 4 week mark of Faith’s birth and I found myself finally allowing myself to miss her.  There were days last week when I would look at the mantel and see the bear with her dress on and the box urn next to it and have such an empty feeling.  I know that every family picture taken from now on will be missing our Faith.  I found myself imagining what she would look like by now.  The ultrasound pictures showed her facial features favored Nate’s and at her birth saw she had a full head of black curly hair.  Knowing that this little girl with the black curly hair would never be in the picture is devastating.  Someone told me it will be like a wound that will heal for a while only to ooze again when it is least expected.  They were so right because there have been days when I’m doing ok and actually can get through the day without crying, but others it’s all I can do just to get through the hour.  My slow physical healing isn’t helping matters either, where I feel like it is two steps forward, one step back.  It’s hard enough recovering from a c-section, but trying to recover from a 7 day hospital stay on top of that is making it slow going.  For the first time in a month I drove myself last Friday for a short one stop errand and it was exhausting. The next day I did a couple of errands and it was exhausting also.  I’ve been off the pains medication since this past Monday and while my mind is now out of the drug cloud, my body isn’t thrilled to be experiencing the pain and discomfort. We are all looking forward to our trip to the beach, but Hope is probably the most excited.  All she’s been talking about is going to the beach house and getting seashells and building sand castles.  I ordered a little booklet about seashells with each page describing a different kind of seashell with a picture sticker for each one.  I laminated them so that we can take them to the beach with us and not worry about getting the pages wet.  I’m also hoping that we aren’t visited by a tropical storm or hurricane.  We deserve a break to have a nice calm and enjoyable trip. J http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/724978/ Tue, 8 Sep 2009 10:40:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/724978/ At long last, I feel ready to share about the events of August 6.  I know I would have done this sooner, but my 7 day detour in the hospital for blood clots caused delays in more ways than one.  When you are concerned about whether or not you’re going to live, all other issues take a backseat. The morning of Faith’s birthday started very early for us.  We had to get up at 430am to be at the hospital by 530am.  We are not early birds, so this was quite brutal for us.  Our bags were already packed and just needed to get dressed, pack up the computer and load up the truck.  Unlike the mornings of Hope and Nate’s birth, we were understandably subdued.  In some ways, I dreaded what would come that morning, but knew that no matter the outcome, the Lord would sustain us.  I could see flashes of lightning off to the north as we were getting ready and saw that there was a line of storms heading our way.  I remember hoping that the hospital had a backup generator, in case the power went off during the delivery. We buckled ourselves in and opened the garage door and drove out.  We normally back into the garage so that when we leave we just drive on forward.  As we pulled out that morning, I saw the most awesome sight.  It was almost a full moon surrounded by several small clouds.  The moon reflection was so bright that the clouds looked black in the center and white on the edges.  It was such a beautiful sight and I found myself staring at it as we drove out of the subdivision.  On our drive into town, there were flashes of lightning all around us.  We could see it to the west far off into the distance, to the south and east of us as well as from the north.  Lightning and rain seemed to surround us on all sides, except where we were.  I remember feeling very calm, a strange calm, as I looked at the beautiful moon and surrounding clouds.  For the first time in days, I finally felt the Lord’s presence with us.  I’m sure that He created that scene to remind me that not only is He the creator of all things, He is also in control of all events, and that everything happens according to His plan and schedule.  I know without this reminder I would have crumbled under the weight of despair during the events in the coming hours. We arrived at the hospital and after signing a couple of forms were taken to the prep/monitoring room.  I prayed one last time that there wouldn’t be an issue with my IV.  When the nurse came in, I asked her if the phrase “valvy veins” meant anything to her.  She said absolutely and while taking a look at my left hand agreed that they were and said she wouldn’t try the IV in my left hand.  The worst part of the IV insertion was the local anesthetic given beforehand, but after that it was a perfect insertion the first time.  This was such an answer to prayer since prior attempts before Hope and Nate’s deliveries involved 4 painful attempts at insertion. Next Jason arrived, our friend who agreed to be there to take pictures of our time with Faith.  We told him that after much discussion and prayer that when Faith left us, that there would be no more pictures.  It just didn’t seem right to have a picture of a dead baby.  Then Kevin our young adult pastor arrived a few minutes later and we were all talking about the storm and how we hoped that the hospital had a backup generator.  Then Dr. E came in, my OB/GYN and said she wanted to do a quick ultrasound to see where Faith’s head was to determine how they were going to do the incision internally.  So Jason and Kevin left and the portable machine was brought into the room.  Within a few seconds, it was painfully clear that we were too late because there was no heartbeat.  I didn’t react how I thought I would and can only attribute it to the Lord’s covering me with His merciful grace.  I thought if this were to happen that I would break down uncontrollably, but I didn’t.  I could tell my Dr was disappointed for me and said she was so sorry.  I know this turn of events made it hard for her to focus on her job, knowing this delivery wouldn’t have a noisy ending, but utter silence.  After she left, Kevin and Jason returned to the room and we told them the news.  It was only a few more minutes left until time to go into the OR and so we asked them to watch for Bill’s Mom and Sister who were coming up to the hospital with Hope and Nate in the waiting area.  As they left my Mom popped in the room to see me before the delivery.  For the first time I had to say that she, Faith, was gone.  It was the hardest thing for me to say.  Mom told me through tears in her eyes that on her way to the hospital she saw the most beautiful rainbow in the sky.  God was taking Faith home and that was His sign to remind us of His promises, that we would see her again and that this wasn’t goodbye forever. The walk to the delivery room seemed to take forever and in my usual attempt to try to ease the tension of a very difficult situation, I was cracking my usual jokes.  Dr. B my anesthesiologist and I were talking about the different methods that were used in the past, specifically those that are mentioned in several different M*A*S*H episodes.  Later on after Faith had been delivered and Dr. E was making preparations to close me up I thought I was hearing a suction device.  I asked if she hadn’t closed me up yet if she could liposuction some of my excess fat while she was down there.  Unfortunately she had already closed me up.  Dr. M, the pediatrician came over and told me that Faith was 2 lbs and 11 oz and 15 in long.  I’m sure that Faith probably had passed on before that morning, because the prior Friday she was 3 lbs.  The Dr and the nurse made footprints and handprints on their keepsake birth certificate that they give.  I’m not sure if they were the ones that saved some of Faith’s hair also or if it was my family that did it later.  After being wrapped up in several blankets, Faith was brought over to us and Daddy held her as they got ready to take me to my room.  It was a full house in there, with my Mom, Bill’s Mom and Sister, Hope, Nate, Jason and Kevin.  Once I was settled in and the nurses had left, Kevin began the dedication ceremony, though for me it seemed so pointless. This was not how I envisioned this morning to be.  It was supposed to be filled with us holding our living breathing daughter.  She was to hold our fingers in her tiny hands and feel her warm soft delicate skin.  We were supposed to show Hope her baby sister and even let her hold her for a minute.  We were supposed to have a family picture with all of our children. We wanted to put her dress on and hold her and talk to her, maybe even try to feed her. Why, why did He have to take her so soon? After Kevin finished and before he left, I started feeling nauseated and began throwing up again.  I can barely remember everyone in the room yet I could see the pity in their faces for me.  Here I was throwing up and trying to deal with the enormous loss of that morning and there was nothing anyone could do for me.  Next, there was a flurry of activity making the hand and foot impressions.  I remember comments about the black ink still on her hands and feet and that there was a little black ink in the impressions.  I could tell something was off because I never could see Faith out of her blankets.  When everything had been done, one of the nurses came in and said that they could place Faith in cold storage if we weren’t ready to say good bye to her yet.  It never entered my mind that such a thing would be needed in a birthing center.  We agreed for her to be put in there and that we weren’t ready for the funeral home to come and get her.  Everyone began to leave and my Mom told me before leaving that I shouldn’t unwrap Faith’s blankets.  She didn’t say why but I could tell it was her mother’s instinct to protect her “baby” from something she knew I wouldn’t be able to handle.  She did say it was almost more than she could handle.  I think that I’m the only one of those present in the room that still doesn’t know what was so physically wrong with Faith.  Maybe I’ll be able to ask Bill someday soon. The rest of the day is just a blur and the only thing I do remember is Jason coming back to bring Bill dinner.  I know that if it weren’t for all the pain meds, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep that night.  I know in my mind I began to understand why the Lord took Faith home early, that perhaps it would have been too much for us to see her struggling and in pain while taking her last breath.  It still didn’t make it easier to accept.  The last thing I remembered before drifting off to sleep that night was asking God, “Why, why, why…..”, a question that probably won’t be answered until I’m in His presence with Faith by my side. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/724092/ Sat, 5 Sep 2009 00:07:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/724092/ I'm working on writing about Faith's birthday and the events of that day.  My weeklong stay in the hospital took it's toll on me and I'm still fatigued and emotionally drained.  So for now, I thought I would post a letter I wrote to Faith.  This was read at the memorial service for Faith last Saturday, August, 22.  "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14 To our sweet and precious Faith, We know the Lord had already ordained the events leading up to your birthday, Faith.  We knew there was a chance of you being taken home before your birthday.  Yet we desired for so many things to take place on your birthday. We hoped that we would be able to say “Hello” to you in person.  We hoped to be able to see your eyes. We hoped we would introduce you to your big sister and brother. We hoped to be able to give you a bath and put on your birthday dress. We hoped we would be able to sing a song to you. For reasons known only to Him, The Lord chose to bring you home before we could do these things.  We don’t know why he took you home so soon and part of me feels angry that we were denied these desires.  These were simple things that we wanted.  It seems cruel to deny us these moments especially since we knew there were so many other things we would miss out on. We would never see your first smile. We would never see you crawl or walk for the first time. We would never hear you say Mama or Dada. We would never see you ride your first bike. We would never see you lose your first tooth. We would never hear you read your first book. We would never see you dance, or play an instrument, or hit a baseball. We would never see you get your driver’s license. We would never see you graduate. We would never see you get married. We would never see your first child. We knew that none of these things would be a reality for you.  Yet we know that even though we were denied those few simple things to experience with you, your time with us was not in vain.  I know that while you were in my womb, you did get to experience some things. You could hear my voice when I gave praise to your Creator. You could hear the laughter of your big sister and brother when they played. You also received the many hugs that were given to me. Your life story has touched many lives and will continue to minister to others.  We are able to endure the pain of your absence knowing that the Lord had a purpose for your life and that it was not in vain.  I know that now you are safe in the Father’s arms.   You are no longer in pain and your body is now without defect.  You were greeted by so many of our family members that have gone to heaven before you.  You are seeing and hearing the angels and all who dwell there sing, “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty; who was, and is, and is to come!” We love you and miss you precious Faith and look forward to the day when we are all united in His presence for eternity. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Hope and Nate      http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/720512/ Tue, 25 Aug 2009 10:52:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/720512/ This is going to be another short one.  The wifi here is spotty at best and I needed to get these prayer requests out asap. First, I can't explain it all, but in order for me to be discharged, my INR level needs to be a 2.0 or greater.  As of this morning it was 1.38.  Please pray that my levels will continue to go up and that I will be discharged on Thursday or no later than Friday. Second, I need prayer in the spiritual battle I'm dealing with.   Yesterday was such a difficult day and to say I was depressed would be an understatement.  We're so weary from the various assaults from different fronts.  Plus the sleep interruptions are leaving me physically drained.  Please pray for protection from the assaults of the enemy and that both of our minds will be protected from the doubts and worries the enemy tries to plant. We appreciate everyone's prayers and notes of encouragement being sent.  They are helping us to keep pressing onward.  http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/718634/ Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:57:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/718634/ NOTE: THIS WAS TYPED ON 08/14/09 I am typing this blog from a local hospital here in town.  I started feeling twinges in my left shoulder and around the left rib cage last Monday evening and attributed it to washing my hair in the kitchen and probably slept on my left side wrong to make matters worse.  By Tuesday, the pain was significantly sharper, acute and debilitating.  I have a pretty high threshold when it comes to pain tolerance, but this was worse than anything I have ever experienced.  What made matters worse was that I was only getting about 4-5 hours sleep total and not all at once.  Thursday, yesterday, I called Dr. E and told her the symptoms and she suggested taking a muscle relaxer for about 24 hours and alternate hot/cold packs.  I woke up this morning and it was not any better.  So Bill and I went to an urgent care clinic that had x-ray equipment and took some pictures of my left shoulder and ribcage area.  The possibilities were not good.  I had either pneumonia or blood clots in my lungs.  Yes, blood clots.  I’ll be honest, that made me scared.  We were instructed to go to a hospital ER and that I would most likely be admitted.  The drive home was extremely quiet.  We went ahead and packed for a couple of days for me; not sure why we didn’t pack for Bill either, but I guess we were still processing the possible causes of this pain and weren’t thinking straight.  Once we were in the ER they did more blood draws and ordered a CAT scan.  The results, blood clots in my left lung.  So I was admitted and they did an ultrasound on my legs to see if they were the location where the clots originated.  But the best part was that as soon as they had me in the ER exam room, they immediately gave me pain relief medicines and muscle relaxers.  It was amazing how quickly it worked and hadn’t felt that good in days.  Needless to say the Memorial service we had planned for Faith on August 15, 2009 was postponed.  Most likely it will be next Saturday, August 22, 2009.  This will depend on when they discharge me. This new turn of events almost makes you want to laugh or cry.  Yesterday when I was in such pain that it brought me to tears I looked up and asked God, “Haven’t I suffered enough?  Hasn’t Bill suffered enough?  Why are you allowing this to happen?”  Someday we may find out, whether on this side or the other side of heaven.  Please pray for total healing for me, strength for Bill as he has felt so helpless watching me be in such agony and there wasn’t a thing he could do, and for Peggy, Bill’s Mom as she is watching Hope and Nate at the house.  We also need prayer for helpers to help with Hope and Nate in the next couple of weeks. We appreciate your continued prayers and lifting us up to the Father’s throne. May we continue to Fix Our Eyes On Our Comfort, Shelter and Healer. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/717912/ Sun, 16 Aug 2009 19:56:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/717912/ I don't like sounding like a whiner, but I could really use your prayers. Since Monday evening, I've had horribly acute and stabbing pains in my left shoulder and on the left side around the rib cage and left center area of my back. It feels like something is severely pinched and I've had on and off spasms. There are times when it really starts to hurt, I find myself breathing harder, only to make matters worse in a vicious cycle. I don't know exactly what's causing it, but called my Dr. and she said for the next 24 hours, take some of the muscle relaxers I had left over from when I pulled my back in January, and to put ice on the areas. If it doesn't improve by tomorrow, she suggested going to an urgent care place that has an x-ray machine to take some pictures. The pain is so bad that it's now affecting my sleep; last night I would sleep for about 2-3 hrs then be up for 1-2 hrs trying to get relaxed enough to go back to sleep. Even getting up to go to the bathroom is a nightmare. I confess that I'm very discouraged. The area where my incision doesn't bother me at all and I should be getting up and moving around, but when doing so literally brings me to tears, I just don't want to get up. I've never experienced anything like this and have asked God, "Haven't I suffered enough?" The memorial service is this Saturday and the way things are going, I may have to be really doped up to be able to move around. So please pray for merciful and miraculous healing. I still plan on writing about the events of August 6, but it may be a few more days until I can do it. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/717165/ Thu, 13 Aug 2009 19:55:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/717165/ I asked Bill a couple of weeks ago if he would be interested in writing an entry from a Dad's perspective, so today's entry is from Bill, Daddy to Hope, Nate and Faith.   For those of you who have been following our blog for some time, we have kept everyone up to date on the condition of our unborn daughter, Faith Kathryn, who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 back in April.  The following is an account of the journey that we have traveled that I would like to share with you from a father's perspective.   As a father, I have obviously never felt the physical pains of giving birth to a child, but I have experienced the joy along with Cheryl of being able to hold a new life created by God in my arms.  I shared the same anxiety when we were expecting Hope, our first child, since neither of us had a clue about raising children.  Only one of us had any sort of babysitting experience in the past, and that person was not me. J  So, when Hope was born, we learned by trial and error, mostly error, but we persevered and have been learning as much about parenthood as Hope has about life itself.  Then, when we learned that we were expecting Nate, the emotions admittedly at first were not thoughts of thankfulness.  Hope had been such a challenge the first few years that we really didn't think we could handle another child.  But God saw differently; He saw that we not only had the ability to raise another child, but that we would do so with gladness.  We could not imagine our lives without Nate now. When we found out this past December that we were expecting again, we were happy that God had chosen us to bring another precious life into the world.  However, unlike with Hope and Nate, I never felt the strong sense to share this news with those close to us.  I could not put my finger on it at the time, and even now, I still am not totally sure of the reasons for my hesitation, but looking back, perhaps He was preparing my heart for the bombshell that would be dropped on us a couple of months later.   During the first ultrasound at the end of March, we went in with the simple expectations of learning whether we were having a boy or a girl.  The ultrasound revealed that the baby was a girl, but we were noticing that the ultrasound technician was spending an unusually lengthy time examining the baby's heart.  When Dr. Mirabile came in to do his examination, he informed us that our daughter had a heart defect.  He mentioned several possible causes for the condition, and also told us that the heart defect may be an indicator of a much more serious problem than just a heart issue.  We were obviously startled by the news, and over the next three weeks we prayed that God would bring a miraculous healing for the heart, and that when we went in for the next ultrasound, that things would be OK.   The next ultrasound was performed three weeks later, at which time Dr. Mirabile explained the potential causes for the heart issue.  In order for us to know for sure whether we were simply dealing with a medically fragile baby or if the baby had serious genetic defects, we elected to have an amniocentesis performed.  Two days later, we received a phone call from the doctor's office that dealt us a devastating blow – Faith had tested positive for Trisomy 18, also known as Edwards Syndrome.  At this particular point, both of us just broke down and wept because we knew that Trisomy 18 was a fatal condition, meaning that we would not get the opportunity to do any of  the tasks that many of us take for granted when raising a baby – changing her diaper, giving her a bath, watching her learn to crawl, watching her take her first steps, listening to her cry when she was hungry, getting up in the middle of the night to feed her, having he r picture taken, and so on.  All of the plans that we had for her had just been blown out of the water.   As a father, I could not begin to comprehend the depth of sorrow that Cheryl felt when she knew that the baby she was carrying and growing inside of her would not have a chance at a normal life.  However, I can say that hearing this news was to me the equivalent of getting kicked in the stomach.  For days, I was just numb and didn't really care much about anything.  I found myself withdrawing from my own family and burying myself in my work, because I knew that was something that I could somewhat control.  I didn't feel like spending time with my kids, and times I spent with Cheryl were often times without words being spoken.  I was becoming emotionally isolated, and often found myself questioning God as to why He allowed this to happen to our family.  I didn't turn my back on God, but I did find myself losing interest in praying and reading His word.  Many times going to church was simply going through the motions for me.  I felt completely disconnected from the Father.   Gradually, as the days and weeks passed, and I came to acceptance of what was going to happen to Faith, I began to remember God's promises that He does not put on us any more than we can bear, and that He works all things to bring glory to Himself.  Obviously, I knew He could heal Faith miraculously if He chose to, but as time passed, I began to realize that He was going to be glorified in a different way.  I didn't know how, and to some degree I still don't know, but I decided at that point to trust Him with this trial and prayed that He would be glorified through us and the manner in which we dealt with it.   With each ultrasound appointment, we noted no real change in Faith's overall condition, except that she just wasn't growing at the rate of a healthy baby.  We had been told that even though her condition was still unchanged, we would probably still be able to have a little time with her here on Earth.  The window kept decreasing with each successive ultrasound appointment, but we still held onto the hope that Faith would be born alive and that we would be able to hold her in our arms and share in her brief life.   At the last ultrasound appointment on Friday, July 31, Dr. Mirabile delivered news that we weren’t prepared for.  We were told that due to new complications that were detected in the ultrasound, there was a strong chance that Faith would be stillborn if we stayed with the original delivery date of August 14.  Thus, with much prayer and consultation, we made the decision to move up the delivery date to August 6 to hopefully improve the chances of Faith being born alive and us being able to have some time with her before she passed on.    At some point between July 31 and the morning of August 6, Faith Kathryn went home to be with Jesus.  During the preparation for the C-section, Cheryl’s OB-GYN performed a final ultrasound to determine Faith’s position, and it was during that final ultrasound that we were told that a heartbeat could not be detected, and that it was almost certain that Faith had already passed away.  While we did not get the chance to share in her life here on Earth, we know that she is no longer suffering and is free from all sickness and pain, and that she is whole and complete.  I can almost picture her dancing with the angels in heaven even now.  In some respects, I am a little envious that she is already getting to meet all of the saints that have gone on before, as well as our family's ancestors, even though I would have longed for some time with her here.  However, I believe that God showed us His mercy by taking her home before the delivery so that we would not have to deal with the pain of watching her draw her final breath.   We take comfort in knowing that because of the promise of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and what He did for us on Calvary, we will see Faith again someday and we will be able to spend all eternity with her.  As the chorus in the old hymn “Everlasting Arms” says: “Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms, leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.”   For those out there who don’t know the Lord, I am sure many of them are thinking, “Why did they go through all of this just to wind up losing the baby in the end?  Why didn’t they just terminate the pregnancy?”  Plain and simple, we know that God is the author and creator of life, and it is His decision as to when a life begins and ends, not ours.  We believe that we have brought honor to God by carrying Faith to term, and we have no regrets with our decision.  Even though God did not intend for her to remain here with us, she has touched the lives of many that we know of and likely countless more lives that we do not know of and will probably never know of this side of heaven. Romans 8:28 states, “And we know that in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  So, whether you face good times or bad, remember that He is doing a good work in you and will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. God is good, all the time! http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/716053/ Mon, 10 Aug 2009 12:38:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/716053/ Welcome to the new normal.  A friend of mine said that would be my life afterwards.  Before I had 2 children with one on the way; now I have 3 children, two with me and one with Jesus.  It felt strange Bill and I leaving the hospital empty handed.  I didn’t know how I would handle that part, but with Bill by my side, I felt the Lord carrying me out in His loving arms.  There was sadness to be sure, but more melancholy than despair.  Just as we were about to walk out the door, there was another family getting ready to leave.  I could see the nursery nurse and knew there was a baby.  Bill saw it too and he asked if I wanted to wait until they left.  I decided to wait in the lobby while Bill, my hero, took the rest of our things to the truck.  I’m sure it was hard for him to see it too, but he helped spare me of the painful reminder that it was just us leaving. It does feel so good to be home again and in my own bed.  I will say though that the hospital I was at is so different from your standard hospitals and the staff is second to none.  They took such good care of me and believe it or not, generally let me sleep most of the night.  I was touched that the hospital put a pink butterfly magnet with a pink ribbon on my exterior door frame.  This communicated to the entire staff from the Drs on rotation to housekeeping that there was a birth but the baby didn’t make it. I will be posting another entry in the next day or two.  There is so much I want to share about that Thursday morning.  The prayers of all the saints that morning were answered.  With Bill on one side, I felt His strong presence on the other for the first time in days.  He knew the events to come and was there as our Comfort and Shelter. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/715837/ Sun, 9 Aug 2009 17:35:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/715837/ This will be Faith’s Birthday.  We have the c-section delivery scheduled for 730am this Thursday, August 6, 2009.  Most of the pieces have fallen into place and so as I had hoped so, the decision was made for us.  I can sense Faith moving around less with each passing day and so we opted to have an earlier delivery date to be able to spend time with Faith, even if it’s just for a few minutes or a couple of hours. Please pray that all who will be involved on this day, family, friends and the medical personnel will be protected from illness and injury. We also ask for prayer that Bill and I would be able to keep our eyes on Our Comforter and Our Shelter and not slip under the raging current beneath us. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/714394/ Tue, 4 Aug 2009 21:22:00 -0500 http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/tredwaynotes/714394/