Choosing Joy - Homeschool Blogger

something is heavy on my heart

Mon, 5 May 2008 04:39:00 -0500

I am a member of Sonlight forums, have been since 2004, and it is a wonderful blessing. Most of the time. But this weekend was the "Big Fat Meetup" in California, and I wasn't able to go. And I missed the one last year, too. Dh's work schedule just doesn't match up with this sort of thing.

I remember these feelings from last year. An outsider looking in the window, watching the festivities, but unable to walk in and join them. It is really hard - I am an active member of the forums, have several friends there who I have met IRL, and right now is a flurry of posts about it. While I truly am happy for them that they were able to attend, I feel pretty empty about it, and am having a hard time sorting through all of these feelings.

-I realized this morning, and admitted out loud to the Lord, that I feel entitled to going. I also feel like every time there is one of these, and I don't attend, that I am distancing myself more and more from the general crowd. I am not in on their jokes, stories, giggles, memories. And that hurts. And now the talk is of the one next year, but already I am seeing that there is very little chance of my going then, too.

-So how do I deal with these thoughts/feelings? Stuff them down inside, just quietly creep away until the hubbub is over, and then go on w/the day to day stuff? Those people are my friends - I have few IRL friends, and the one I usually have "phone therapy" with is a BFM attendee, so she really isn't the one to hear me on this. I have several other difficult emotional things swirling around in my mind right now, that is feels weighty to think about this, too.

These scriptures come to mind:

Why so downcast, o my soul? Put your hope in God!

May the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, o Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer

Cast your cares on the Lord, for He cares for you

You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast on You.

please excuse the lack of verse references. I was just taking a walk and thinking about all of this. The thoughts are there, so instead of just glossing over them and reciting verses, I talked to God about it all. About how I know it is not a good thing to have self-pity, how I am sad over it all, how it hurts, but at the same time I need to remember the Lord is good, His mercy endures forever, and that He is enough for me, no matter the circumstances. And HE IS. I belong to Him; Jesus is reason enough to get out of bed in the morning. And He cares for me, for my hurts, but also wants me to keep my eye on HIM.

almost a year without blogging!

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:13:00 -0500

wow, I have NO time to blog anymore...I have no time to do anything anymore...And we don't even do outside activities except for church. What has happened? We moved to NC, so lots of stress packing, moving, unpacking. Add in lots of birthdays, 3 girls who are now homeschooled, being a mom and wife and homemaker and child wrangler, a trip to Disney, life, life, and more life - and it is now almost a full year. I wish I had more time!!!

Now, I am attacking the zebra wallpaper in our master bathroom, trying to move away from African Safari to a more calm theme ;) So another project, to take up my time.

But I have to add, thanks be to God, that I love my life, I love what the Lord is doing, and I love who I am!

Who I am in Christ

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 05:55:00 -0500

It has been 6 months since I was here! Wow, how life has kept me busy. I have finished renovations on our house in WV, we sold our house (all praise to the Lord for how quickly that happened!), had an offer accepted on a house in NC, and at the end of July, will be finishing up our year here in FL and moving north again. My girls are growing up so fast - my youngest will be 5 in August!

But enough about all of that. I have had lots of times to think about the title of my blog ;) And I still have SO much to learn about choosing JOY in the midst of everything in my life and the lives of others. I found a web page about joy, and it included this quote: "Without Christ in me, I could never choose joy". That is so true.

I might have shared this before, but a website that has been such a help is "In Christ I am..." And I like (and need!) to meditate on one truth each day - it helps me to keep focused on the Lord, on who He says I am, not listening to myself or the world tell me who I need to be! Today's - In Christ, I am God's child - and if I think about my own dc, and how I feel about them, about how I love to see them, love to watch them enjoy life (we saw fireworks for their very first times last night!), how I love to comfort them when sick or afraid or sad, how they can lean back against me or my dh and feel safe - all of that is SO MUCH MORE when referring to God as my Father, and me as His child.

Bread and Jam

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 06:42:00 -0500

We are doing Adventures in My Father's World this year, and we are really enjoying it. For the past 2 weeks, we have studied pioneers from Holland, France, Native Americans, bread, and our biblical theme is Jesus is the Bread of Life. So we made butter, and yesterday we made our own bread. I have made bread lots of times, but it is always in our bread machine. But we are renting a home here in FL, and I did not bring all of our belongings - including the bread maker. So this time, I made two batches of bread - I made one loaf, and divided the other loaf into thirds for the girls to knead, shape and bake. And the joy in their little hearts and on their faces to have their own loaf! We carved their names in the loaves before they baked.

As we ate our bread with homemade butter, I read Bread and Jam for Frances. And now, they are referring to the grape jelly as "jam", and they are having a slice at every meal.

my almost 7yo feels like God is calling her to be a missionary nurse!

Wed, 4 Oct 2006 20:54:00 -0500

I had the most amazing conversation tonight with her. She will be 7 in November. And this yr, these past 4 months or so, have been very hard for me w/her. She has been defiant, angry, very difficult at times. And yet, there are other times of sweetness and joy and cuddling. I have been praying a lot lately, asking God for wisdom, reminding myself that He has her in His hands, asking Him to move in her little heart.

Tonight, she was reading her bible before bed - usually she reads, and then reads to me and we talk a bit. She came racing in to me and told me God had led her to psalm 100 and 118. So I went in to her room, she read both to me, and then I asked her what spoke to her in those, what she liked, etc. And it took a while for her to put it in to words, but she basically said that it encourages her when she disobeys, it helps her to not be angry at herself. And then she said that the passages about singing for joy, gladness, praising all made her feel "like the moments after I tell you I did something wrong - like my heart is bursting with joy."

Isn't that a lovely idea/description? We are so burdened w/our sin, and then we confess, and there is a lightness, a joy, a fullness in Christ.

And then, after a lot of talking, she told me she still felt like God was calling her to be a missionary nurse. We pray for a missionary in Asia tha tis imprisoned; we have talked about why. And she said, "Mom, God is calling me to do that. And if I get put in to prision for talking about Jesus, then I will be strong and courageous"

well, I have never thought, as a mother, about the true implications of a missionary daughter. It was exciting, scary, wonderful, horrible all at the same time. I did not grow up in a Christian home , so a lot of this is foreign to me. But if that is what the Lord is calling her to do, then blessings and prayers and love and joy will accompany her!

This is a hard road, raising children, needing constant wisdom and strength and His grace. But it is a wonderful place to be!

Thanks for listening :)

Hallelujah, Your love is amazing!

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 14:37:00 -0500

The Lord has shown me something very basic but very amazing in my walk with Him, and I wanted to share it with whoever reads this. The past yr has been a tough one - renovations, moving, etc. I will not bore you w/all the details. And the move has gone well. But I am seeing some very strong character issues in all my girls - ones that are discouraging to me as a parent, as a christian. Ones that wear me out to the utmost, where I just want to check out...And today was very bad, I just got to the point of tears, utter discouragement. Do you know that place??? I called dh and asked him to pray; he spoke w/the oldest. But I needed Jesus. So I placed all the girls in separate places, put on praise music and swept and mopped the floor. And in that time, the Lord renewed my strength, lifted me up out of the pit, but did much more than that. Not only did he renew my strength for the very minute, to keep going, encouraging me in my day. But He showed me how to choose joy in the midst of trials, to go on only because of HIM. Here are the songs I heard:

Trading My Sorrows

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Chorus:
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

Hallelujah (Your Love is Amazing)

Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery, how You gently lift me
When I am surrounded, Your love carries me

Chorus
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Your love makes me sing

v2
Your love is surprising, I can feel it rising
All the joy that's growing deep inside of me
Every time I see You, all Your goodness shines through
And I can feel this God song, rising up in me

Bridge
Yes, You make me sing
Lord, You make me sing, sing, sing
How You make me sing

2000 Vineyard Songs (UK / Eire)
Words and Music by Brenton Brown and Brian Doerksen

I am including the words because they are instrumental in helping me deal w/the frustration, fatigue, almost despair that I felt. That may sound a bit over dramatic, but I was worn down, and the Lord lifted me up. These words struck me:

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

This was very, very real and concrete to me - so many times I look at the circumstances around me, and choose to be discouraged. But today, He helped me to overcome my feelings, and lean totally on Him. And we all need this - because all of us will go thru despair, discouragement, frustrations, places where we want to escape, where we feel like we just cannot go on with what is going on in our lives. Just today on the hs forum I belong to, and fellow forum member shared that she lost her baby. And all around us is death, sorrow, despair, feeling like we cannot continue. And Jesus carries us in all of these things, so that we can walk with Him, living the abundant life He came to give us.

we are moving in three days!

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 18:52:00 -0500

I have been very scarce here - scarce everywhere but in my home, packing and cleaning and painting! We are almost ready to move to Florida - amazing, really. I guess it is amazing because I have been renovating our home non-stop, and now the time is upon us to go. But I am excited, and hopefully after we get settled, I will have more of a normal life - sahm, homeschooler, taking care of a house that is finished, new-ish, and no repairs. Tons of free time, I am sure...

Life is way too busy, but He is an awesome God!

Tue, 1 Aug 2006 05:48:00 -0500

I have not blogged in almost a month. There is no time in my day to do all I would like - I am currently trying to finish all of our house renovations, get my husband ready to go to Florida, plus plan our homeschool year, plus get us packed. And all of the stress and upheaval in the past several months is definitely affecting my girls - lots of behavioral stuff, etc.

But all is not bad. Praise the Lord, He who began a good work in us is faithful to complete it! And He is able to do immeasurably MORE than anything I can ask or imagine. And my little brain is not that capable - so to think that the best plan I can come up, He probably has something better. The mountain in front of me seems way too huge to overcome - we have SO much to do in the next weeks, but like a friend encouraged me, "You can only eat an elephant a bite at a time." And so with the Lord's strength, I am attacking all I have to do in little bites!

I have noticed a pattern in my thoughts:

This is just too hard
When in the world will this all end?
I am going to lose it!
I am so tired - if I can just get to Florida...

And this morning, I was studying Joseph in my Patriarchs study by Beth Moore. And in the lesson on his temptation by Potiphar's wife, although totally unrelated, she made the comment that we should prepare in advance our reasons not to give in to temptation. And that led to me thinking about my thoughts - I am not deliberately keeping my eyes on Jesus; I am not stopping those thoughts - I am giving in to them, to despair, to discouragement. NO! So I listed all of them, and then I listed Bible verses that refuted those thoughts. Want to see my list?

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

John 6:35 Jesus said, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me will never go hungry, and he who comes to Me will never be thirsty."

Ephesians 3: 20, 21 Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory...

Philippians 2:14 Do everything without complaining or arguing...

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always.

As dh would say, "Them's fighting words!" And it has to be a fight, to stand firm - it has to be a deliberate thing, to practice controlling my thoughts, to purposefully set my mind on Jesus. I have been wallowing in a defeatist thought-life, and it has manifested itself in my physical self - stress, upset stomach, and in my relationships - snapping at the girls, worrying, resentment. You get the idea. But we serve an Almighty God - and He is so able to help us through anything that is in our faces, so I don't have to just limp and crawl to the end of this stressful time, I can get thru it standing firm, victorious over my worry, doubt, fear.

So now, I have to practice all of this - to rest securely in Him, not giving in to those worrisome thoughts. And this blog will be a reminder, and I plan on keeping those scriptures handy, to strengthen me anytime I feel weak!

Orlando, FL it is!!!

Sat, 3 Jun 2006 21:13:00 -0500

Well, we are headed to Orlando sometime after August 1st, for at least until next July! I am excited - dreading the move, adjustments, etc. But a fellow homeschooler that lives down there has already offered to help me adjust/find a hs co-op, etc. so that is wonderful! Actually, I have 3 pretend friends who have offered their help!

And we are off to Mountain Lake resort in southwest VA tomorrow morning - yippee!!!

please pray for dh's meeting w/his boss today

Wed, 24 May 2006 08:55:00 -0500

If you happen to stop by, I would love your prayers for dh's meeting w/his boss. He is requesting a yr long leave from teaching to be a guest teacher in Orlando; please pray this honors the Lord, wisdom for us as make our plans -

thank you so much!