My reach for the stars writing workshop page
Jun. 7, 2008
lesson 9

#2

#1

#5

#3

#9

#6

#7

#4

#8

OK now here are my sentinces

#1 "SSSHHH Samantha! Do you see that??" Erin said (Samantha was singing her favorite song). 

"See what? And why sshhh?  It's a sunny day here at the beach and it's just so nice!" Said Samantha

  Well if you payed attention you might realize that there is a very strange looking boat over there!  Look at that color I haven't seen it before! Said Erin.

 

 

2. Rachel jumped and spun, "AHHHH!  It's such a nice day!  I am so glad that we came to the beach!" She said.

Yes!  Do you want to fly kites??  I brought two of them! Said Tabi (Short for Tabitha)

Yah!  That'll be fun!! Said Rachel

 

OK now here is the first page of my story!

 

 

Hey do y’all want to come to my house? Rachel asked.

 Samantha, Erin and Tabitha (Tabi for short) all said that they’d come over if they could call their moms and tell them where they were from Rachel’s house.  They all got there and decided to play the Bible Edition of Apples to Apples and had tons of fun.  Then they made chocolate chip cookies.

“Are the cookies done yet?”  Samantha yelled over the noise of Rachel’s mom vacuuming.

 “Samantha! We just put them in a few seconds ago! Of course they’re not ready!” Rachel said. 

When the cookies were ready, they decided to go up to Rachel’s room to eat. Once they cooled everyone ate slowly to keep the taste last as long as they could.

OUCH!! Tabi yelled as she took her first bite of her last cookie. There’s something hard in here!


Comments

Jun. 23, 2008 - Beginnings

Posted by skmarlow

Oh, I like the idea of Rachel biting down on something and WHAT IS IT??? (OK, so I read ahead to your summary and now know what the story is going to be about). LOL

This is a good beginning, but I would get to the "biting surprise" a little faster. I think I would leave out the idea of the chain story with the teddy bear, as it slows it down...especially in the beginning, you need to grab your reader's attention quickly. The chain story could be worked in later, but the beginning must start with the hook. And the hook here is Rachel biting down on that unknown hard thing in the cooky. That's great. Just get to it a little sooner.

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