I copied this from an entry I wrote on a board I frequent.  I have taken some time off from blogging, and thought this would be my first thoughts as I come back to the bloggin world.
This is both hard and easy for me to write. However, I am sure there are some out there who will understand where I am coming from. I have mentally beat myself up for years over my tubal ligation suregery back in 1996. I still can not believe I gave in and had the surgery. However, I did. I've repented and asked forgiveness for doing that to my body without what I feel to be God's blessings on it. I gave in to man(not Jason, other family and doctors) and did not rely on God. We have really been saving for my reversal for a couple of years. Everytime the money is there, an emergency comes up and the money is gone. I also have the weight issues as well. I have battled with weight for the past several years. I have to lose at least 55 pounds before the doctor will even consider doing the surgery. I find myself daily stressing over my weight and money. Sometimes, and most times, to the point that it effects my relationship with those that I am around daily. I have really been thinking lately. Conner is 14 and there are issues that we are dealing with him over. Kyle is getting ready to hit those teen years as well as Abby and her horomonal years. Do I really need another baby right now? My children are at a stage in their life right now where they need me 100%. All of this dwelling I have done on another baby was wrong (the way I have done it). Am I making sense? I am at the point of being content with the family God has given to me. I love my children more than life itself. They need my attention as they are. Since I have come to this point this week, the weight it coming off. I "feel" better. While I realize that perhaps in the future God may open up the door for more children, I also realize that He may not. That is truly okay. while I long for children and grandchildren the same age, that may not be. That is okay. I know some may read this and think I am the most awful person out there. I am sorry if that is the case. However, the mental "abuse" I have put my own self through over this has ended, and that is what needed to happen for relationships to strengthen with the children I have now. Thanks for listening!