Feb. 4, 2009 - The Slipping Towards Numbness.
The county schools were delayed 2 hours this morning. Yesterday, school countywide was cancelled because of snow. . . which did not affect the streets in our corner of the county. This means that we will have to string along the invasive school calendar into the Summer.
It occurred to me yesterday that if we were officially homeschooling, the day wouldn't have seemed wasted. Not that we wasted it. It just would've been a seamless continuation of learning without the interruption. (Because I am not directly involved in the material taught at school, everything is disjointed and has little to do with home/community except for "homework".) Ideally, we would've learned at home for a few hours yesterday at our own pace, played and interacted differently. More effectively, I believe, if we were homeschooling. More effectively in that it would've have seemed "natural" instead of disjointed and foreign to us.
This morning, it felt natural to wake at 7:30 am. I've observed that if allowed to go to sleep and wake by a healthy rhythm, they will go to sleep by 9 pm and wake at 7:30 am. The school system clock has the youngest to school by 7:42 am. The high school students are barely awake when the youngest are sitting behind tables and desks. I think that is RIDICULOUS. It's an outrage to me. Children, age 5 to 11, wake in the dark all year long and never get the benefit of Daylight Savings Time because they still go to school too early. My own children seem tortured by it. . . my oldest has anxiety about not getting enough sleep. It is cruel.
My husband and I think it has more to do with dual income families needing to have the youngest children, who are not autonomous and are more dependent, to school by 8 am. I know there are other "arguments" for this. . . such as "the little kids get out earlier", but what does that matter when they are doing 30 minutes to an hour of "HOMEWORK" each afternoon?
After waking this morning, I sat down to breastfeed the twins. The oldest boys were on the couch, TV was off, yet they had my laptop and were playing an online game. I sat quietly observing them, watching their faces, listening to their dialogue about this game. They sounded like they were speaking a foreign language. They were so engaged in the game that they took no notice of me staring at them - and subsequently, I realized how pitiful it seemed. There was something utterly disturbing in the way they were disengaged with the real world. There was a numb look about them, still in their PJs (or undies as it seems to be for my oldest), drawn into an unreal world that had nothing much to do with real life.
And I felt pity for them, anger at myself. How had I let this happen? I said nothing at the moment, but I whisked up my digital camera and caught some shots and footage of their behaviour.
When the two of them were tiny guys, they were engaged in life around us. They learned quickly, and homelife was rich. Family members seemed more engaged with one another, and we enjoyed one another's company. Daily, even in the "mundane", we were there together. . . running errands, preparing meals, singing, listening, ministering to others, visiting, taking walks, stopping to explore our smallest interests in bubbles ants grass books places etc., seeing God in His creation. . . all the meaningful delights!
Looking back now, I see this. As they grew , and as we put them in preschool programs and eventually public school, my own life became increasingly about what I call "facilitating chaos". No longer did I have the control or total right of guidance of my children. I became a slave to the outside schedules. . . things half done (no satisfaction) because there was no time - just snippets of time to do what needed to be done in order to get the kids to school. School, school, school. Anxieties swirl around having things sent to school, ready for school, cleaned for school, provided for school, perfect for school. All about public school! If it was affecting me, how was it affecting my children? Had I given birth to these five precious people just to give them over to public school and its demands? It just doesn't feel right at all anymore. This public school invasion into our lives is unnaturally usurping the duties of guidance I feel are mine.
I am an unpaid employee of the public school even though I pay the taxes which provide this "education". What? I'm paying them. . . but they are making me work for them. Of course, under the guise of "We have to PARTNER in this together." I've become a belligerent partner. I don't want to be the Facilitator of Chaos.
I could go on, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have been slipping towards numbness. . . Blindly taking the path that we thought everybody took. We do what they tell us. We jump when they say jump. We never question the purpose of the homework sent home. We rush to get our kids to school by 7:45 am even though we know it's not healthy for our children. Etc. We've been slipping towards numbness in this household.
My children do not seem whole anymore. I know I feel broken by it.
