I came across this old blog post from Yet Another Homeschool Blog! (which I think has been abandoned). The title is "Why is 'gifted' such a dirty word?" That theme is not so new to me, but there was a passage about a gifted child growing up to parent her own gifted child that, sadly, really hit home:

And when she's grown, and her two year old starts picking words out of the newspaper while on her lap, this young woman will be afraid to tell anyone and she'll wonder what she did wrong, and if her baby has been somehow irreparably damaged by her mothering. And when strangers comment on the her toddler's amazing clarity of speech, the mother will respond by pointing out that she still can't jump, and she won't nap, and she's too active and once she almost fell out of a second story window. And anyway, doesn't everyone learn to talk eventually? This baby is nothing special!

Ack! That's me! I don't know that it has anything to do with my own experiences as a gifted kid, but I have definitely said those kinds of things about Violet, especially when she was 3 (or 4 or 5) and people said, "Oh, she can read!" There I was saying, "Well, yes, she does, but she can't ride a trike yet . . . can't figure out scissors . . . can't tie her shoes. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, you know!"

Why the rush to lump her back in with everyone else? God forbid I acknowledge that Violet is just plain different!

The article doesn't say this, but I think in addition to worrying about blending in, I think that impulse to gloss over differences has to do with fear of seeming like a pushy parent. Through the Prufrock Gifted Ed blog I also linked to this opinion of giftedness: that the difference between gifted and non-gifted kids in schools is that "their parents don’t care about posing as crossing guards or PTA presidents."

I mean really, would you claim that that record-setter of the 100-meter-dash only won all those races because his mom brought Gatorade to the track practices?

More bizarre was the author's claim that these kids are lucky: "Lucky because they have parents who have the road smarts to know what it takes to make a child appear teachable, moldable. . . . Easily mangeable."

Ha! Well that clearly doesn't apply to us! Whatever Violet appeared to her teachers, it was not "moldable" or "easily manageable"!

But this is the reality, in public school or homeschool. You're sitting around with a group of friends and acquaintances talking about school, books, summer progarms. Do you nod and smile and keep quiet while everyone else shares, or do you tell the truth that your kid is studying Chinese and algebra? Do you save face with a quick, apologetic addendum that, "she said she wanted to," or do you figure no one would believe that anyway? (Like one teacher told me, "Kids are very quick to figure out what we want them to say.")

I look forward to Violet getting older, when it gets a bit easier to seek out and get together with other gifted kids. And I'm sooooo glad to have the Internet now, where you can find those other parents who get it. (Just see Gray's Academy and Wickentree, linked at right, for two examples!)

Yet another hat tip to the Prufrock publisher Joel McIntosh and his Gifted Ed blog.

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Posted by Anonymous

I usually try not to say anything but I end up doing it without realizing it. People take exception at Z taking Japanese, like I am just being a pushy mom or "high brow" for picking some language other than Spanish. But Z asked to take Japanese and really enjoys it. But people always act like it is a big deal that she is learning it. I don't get it.

I guess they would be totally freaked if I said that we plan for her to also learn Hebrew, Spanish, Latin and possibly French and Chinese. *grin*

btw thanks for linking to me (I need to get around to making something like that for my blog) but why aren't I under Friends?? *smile*

Cher Mere

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Posted by Sarah

Thanks for the link! (By the way Cher, you can't be in the Friends category because you aren't part of homeschoolblogger.)

I am so much the same as you two. When Mia was little, I used to catch myself putting her down all the time to other parents who noticed her giftedness, and had to make a serious effort to stop that. Nowadays I just remain silent. It is actually really depressing to sit in all the homeschoolers' discussions and not be able to say anything about your own child's achievements and activities. It feels so isolating.

But I also have the same problem with "gifted parents". There is so much competitiveness! And still I can't talk to them honestly because Mia is far beyond most gifted children. They really seem to resent hearing about what she does.

I have to add, I have spent all of Mia's life saying, "it will get better as she gets older." It hasn't. In some ways, it has got worse.

Sarah

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Posted by SusannahCox

Wish we homeschoolers could get over that!

Educating a gifted child is far from easy. My hat is off to you, Shaun! There was an article in one of the Old Schoolhouse magazines by a mom of gifted kids to this very effect. It can be an isolating thing.

If it were me, I would be worried about hurting others' feelings too. I'm always concerned about how the things I say have come across (of course, that doesn't stop me from blabbing at times). Then again, I'm sure your DD would LOVE to "overhear" you bragging about her from time to time! :) Maybe you could emphasize character over academics. Kids love getting caught being good!

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Posted by shaunms

Emphasizing character -- yes, I have done that too, a little. I should make more of a conscious effort. I do try to say things like "She plays so nicely with her little sister" or "She practiced that piece a lot" -- something that I want to encourage! It's so easy with these bright kids to see them as walking brains. I know Violet has already learned that "being smart" is a big deal and she sees at as a big part of who she is -- it takes a special effort to remind her that being kind, being helpful, etc. are also important and worth celebrating.

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