• Jul. 6, 2009
One Christian's Critique of the American Dating Game

I have heard several different speakers and preachers on this topic and had many conversations about this topic lately.  So much so that as I was trying to fall asleep last night this conversation just kept turning over and over in my mind so I thought I would put my thoughts together here.  I want to begin however, by stating that I am not thinking of anyone in particular as I write this but about the nation and churches as a whole.  I stress again that I am not speaking of any church in particular and I am especially not speaking about my own home church since I do not know yet what is taught regarding this issue in my own church youth group.  When I mention the church in this article I am simply generalizing about the church culture that I have seen in general in this nation.

My daughter is 11; soon (though I can’t believe it) to be 12.  Because of this she is coming to ‘that age’.  ‘That age’ is the age at which our society believes she should start thinking about boys and desiring to date them.  Everything in society says this, from television shows and movies (which we avoid at all costs) which show even 7 and 8 year olds having ‘boyfriends’ to advertisements, to the clothes that are made to make our young girls look like they are 25.  Since my daughter was 7, well meaning, even Christian people have asked my daughter, “Who’s your boyfriend?”  Seriously, if there is one question that makes me cringe, this would be it!

So here are my questions:  Why do we want to “stir up and awaken love before it so desires”? (Song of Solomon 3:5)  Why do we encourage children to commit their hearts to someone when they are years away from being able to legitimately act on that commitment with marriage?  Why do we, even in the church, adopt the worlds view of what is appropriate in the arena of relationships?  Why do we pretend like the Bible has nothing to say about how to act toward the opposite sex?  In my experience churches are willing to seek the scriptures when it comes to how we should act inside the marriage relationships but leading up to that we act as if the Bible has nothing to say.  Instead we take what the world thinks is acceptable and try to Christianize it.

Here is what I mean.  The world says, “You should date as many people as you can, starting as young as you can so that you know what you want by time you are ready to get married.”  In the world’s estimation this includes experimenting with all kinds of intimacies that God says are reserved for marriage.  In response the church says, “No, that isn’t right.  You should only date other Christians and physically there is this certain line you shouldn’t cross, because after all we are Christians and we should be different.”  Wow, how compelling….  But here is the problem, where are the scriptures that mention this scenario?  Where is the Biblical authority to teach these dating regulations?

I would like to share with you what I heard a pastor say recently.  Here is a summary of what he said.  “I said to my 14 year old son once, ‘Son, do you see that girl over there?’  ‘Yeah dad.’  ‘She likes you.’  ‘How do you know dad?’  ‘Just trust me, I know.  I want you to stay away from her.’  ‘You mean you want me to be rude?’  ‘No, I just mean, well, yeah, if it comes to that I will show you how to do that, but no, what I mean is I want you to actively try to stay away from her.’  ‘Why dad?’  ‘Because you are not ready to fulfill her desires, you are not ready to be a husband and it is your job to protect her heart.’”

Wow!  Now that is biblically compelling!  The Bible commands Christians to think of others more highly than we think of ourselves and that command applies to relationships!  Most of the ‘dating sermons’ I sat under as a teenager dealt with keeping yourself physically pure until marriage.  While that is an admirable goal I know many people who got married, proud of their ‘technical virginity’ while that technicality was all they had left.  Even those who had been ‘physically responsible’ had in their past a trail of heartbreak from being emotionally attached to multiple people that were not the person God had for them to marry.

So what is wrong with this ‘keep yourself pure till marriage’ message?  Well, the problem is it tackles the issue from the end point for starters.  By the time you get to the point you are considering not keeping yourself pure, you have long ago left the path God had intended.  Another problem is that is that the focus of the argument is not complete.  In my experience these messages spoke only about keeping your body pure, not focusing in the least about keeping your heart pure.  The Bible says that it isn’t what comes into the body that makes a man impure, it is what comes out of him from his heart.  (Matthew 15:10-20)  While we try to keep our kids physically pure, we (no matter how unintentionally) encourage them to defile their hearts by getting emotionally involved with another.  We allow them to be inundated by what the world says is the way things are done and then just modify that message to be more ‘Christian’.  Finally, this ‘keep yourself pure till marriage’ message is faulty because it has a wrong focus.  Again, in my experience, this message almost always focuses on self.  “Keep yourself pure, don’t allow someone to talk you into doing something you don’t feel is right.”  We never encourage them to think of others more highly than they think of themselves. 

Why don’t we teach our kids that they should care enough about others that they should not be seeking relationships that are sure to not last.  Why don’t we teach our kids that, while it is natural to feel attracted to the opposite sex at a certain point, we cannot always act on everything we feel.  There are times when we get really angry at another person when we would really like to punch them in the nose, yet I have never heard a pastor or youth minister try to ‘Christianize’ that message.  No, we teach our kids how to deal with their anger in a Godly, Biblical way.  Why do we take a different approach here?  A 12, 13 or 14 year old, even most 16 and 17 year olds are still years away from marriage.  Why do we encourage them into relationships they are not ready for?

I pray that we begin to see that God has a higher calling.  I pray that we encourage our kids to focus their eyes on Christ instead of the cute kid sitting next to them.  I pray that we encourage our kids to guard not only their bodies but their hearts and minds as well.  On top of that I pray that we encourage them to seek to protect the hearts of those around them.  God has this wonderful gift of marriage that He has blessed His people with; this beautiful picture of His own relationship to His people.  Yet we so often come into that marriage with a bundle of physical or emotional baggage because we swallowed either the world’s message about dating or the churches ‘modified’ version of it.  What a gift we could give our children if we would be bold enough to stand apart and be different as the Bible calls Christians to be.  What a blessing to their lives if we would teach them that there is so much more to this than just being physically responsible.  Oh that we might be truly Biblical in this and every area of our teaching.

Shannon

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Comments

• Jul. 7, 2009
Agreed

Posted by Anonymous

Amen, Shannon! That's the message I preach!

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• Jul. 8, 2009
Untitled Comment

Posted by Anonymous

Excellent post. Thank you.

Michelle

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