Description
Just learning to be who I am..but still trying to find out who that is.
Love my kids, of which I have 6
Some are now homeschooled, and some are not.
Working, going to school, and trying to be there for everyone and everything.
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other blog
| I started posting on my old blogger blog. Just wanted to go try it out for a while. Not sure all this adoptee stuff should be on a homeschool blog. |
Posted: 6:12 AM, Dec. 27, 2009 |
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well...he called
my brother called, actually both brothers called..a bio and an adopted one. Cool..but the adopted one is the one I mean.
He got the letter and he called yesterday, spoke for a while and then we talked again at night..for a little bit.
Not sure where we stand right now. He seemed a little aloof, a little unsure himself. Must remember not to push for my needs.
I am leaving the ball in his court. If he wants to get to know me again..he will call...and I will wait.
I am just happy that I got a chance to speak to him one last time. It makes things better...a little..if only I had had that chance with my sister...if only. |
Posted: 2:23 PM, Dec. 25, 2009 |
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A time of reaching out
I am in that mood again. The mood to reach out to those that I haven't had a chance to connect with. Sometimes I wonder why I have such a desire to do that. I wonder why I put myself out there to get hurt and ignored. I wrote my adopted brother a letter, and sent my adopted sisters kids an email.
I feel that they might think me needy or crazy or something for make attempt after attempt to connect with them.
I feel that they are the last connection I have to my amom. And I really need that connection, or maybe I just need her and can't seem to find a way to replace that need. 30 plus years later and I am still in need of a mother..a first mother, and adopted mother, a sister who acted as my mother...just a mother.
Sadly, it seems that nobody wants the job of mothering me..or actually no one is left to get the job except my first mother..and I am not sure she can be that mothering type.
Should I be grateful that she is in my life, but not motherly?
I guess I should be.
So, I wait, really not expecting any reply's to my reaching out. No expectations, at least in my brain. But my heart is another matter...another matter entirely.
One good thing though, is that after I poured out my heart to those that don't care to know about me..I decided that I should use that energy to reach out to those that do want something to do with me.
I called my dad and we had the best conversation ever. We talked, like we knew each other..we laughed, we joked, and just enjoyed each other.
Wow, It was awesome..it was great..I hope it lasts. |
Posted: 10:26 PM, Dec. 22, 2009 |
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a little breakdown
Late last night I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't. I kept thinking about the one letter I wrote to my adopted brother.
Just a little background. My mother who adopted me (not officially) had already raised two other adopted children. One sister who was married with children and one brother who was a teen when I joined the family. when I was 5 my mother died and after some shuffling around I moved in with my brother who had recently married..actually a few days before our mother died.
I only lived with them for a very very short while..not sure the exact amount..months maybe.
Then he sent me to live with our sister..who had 2 older children. One teenager and one my age. I lived there for a year or so and then she sent me to live with my natural mother...(that did not last either)
Anyway, I tried to get in contact with the sister but found she had passed. I found my brother but haven't made any attempt to contact him UNTIL yesterday.
I wrote him a long letter pretty much pouring my heart out to him. I hadn't seen him since he left me with my sister.
funny, when I reunited with my mother, one of the first questions she asked was about him.
That got me thinking of him and 2 years after reunion...I finally wrote a letter to him.
Its printed, sealed and ready to send out.
But last night I started to chicken out. Last night I started feeling scared...last night I missed my mother..my adopted mother..last night I need her so badly..last night I had a little meltdown.
I thought to myself, "why send the letter?" What do I want out of this? Do I really want to know him again?
Or is it that I just want to have my family back. My adopted family...my mom and brother and sister..
I haven't had that since I was 5 years old..
why now?
do I really want to contact him or am I just missing my mother?
I am not sure what to do now! |
Posted: 2:28 PM, Dec. 20, 2009 |
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