May. 1, 2008 - reflection
I am at peace right now. I have worked through some of the emotions that I have been feeling...I know that there are lots more in there somewhere.
I know that somedays are going to be hard.
I know that some days I am going to revert to that little girl who gets pushed aside.
In a way, I am still that little girl..but with an adult attitude.
I have been reading a book about adoptee's..which to me is weird because I am not an adoptee per say..really I feel like I was just left and someone took over the care..kinda like a stray puppy.
Either way..that book was good for me..and I am going to read more books like that.
One thing that struck me was a sentence about what people say to adopted children.
"Your mother loved you very much, so she gave you away."(to give you a better life)
Love=rejection..love=abandoment.
And you know..deep down, I felt that..but for some reason I did not make a connection.
I am so glad that I started reading the book and I am looking for more like them.
It helped alot..infact, that is why I wrote these last few post..that was a suggestion from the book..and I think it will help..
I am also glad that in some minor way, my mother was spared much of these emotions.since she passed away. She didn't have to wonder where my loyalties belonged, where my love belonged..She will always have a huge part of my heart. I miss her every single day of my life.
But I missed my other mother too.
I missed both of them, especially when I welcomed my children into my life.
When I was so scared about losing my pregnancies and needed that mothering touch.
When I didn't have anyone to turn to for motherly advice..for a hug, or a shoulder to cry on.
The emptyness seemed to double for me...
Sadly, I still feel that I will never have that.
That having a real mother is not possible anymore..that ship has sailed.
Thats a very real fear..that knowing my mother is one thing..but having a mother is quite another
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Apr. 30, 2008 - intense blogging
I have been blogging on myspace for the last few days..very intense and emotional blogs. I am going to move them here, but warnings...they might have a little negativity here is one: I have had a pretty tense few days of blogging. I don't know if it helped much. I know that many a times I was close to or actually shed a few tears. I think that is good, as I haven't really let myself have an actual episode. I feel raw, worried about putting this out there, but they are true normal and expected feelings. I have always written in journals or blogged, this is not new..what is new is the that many readers know me personally and that is kinda scary. I sometimes want to hide my entries, sometimes I want everyone to comment and the majority of the time...I just feel that its no one business. Crazy huh. I was reading a blog about a person going through a reunion between her and her birthparents..It sounded just like my blog..in emotions..so its good to know that I am not crazy or alone in this world. Some others have gone through this too. Her blog helped me...She put her emotions out there too...I can as well.
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Apr. 29, 2008 - my mother
My mother I have been thinking of my mother (Elvira) all day yesterday and last night.Probably because of the funeral, or all that has happened..I was remembering lots of things.I found her when she was died.I was 4 or 5 and I went to look for her, and I found her on the sofa. I thought she was asleep but she wouldn't wake up..I tried and tried..I was even getting mad because she wasn't listening to me.Next thing I remember the paramedics came to take her away. I didn't understand what was going on..they were taking away my mother and I remember getting so upset. I tried to stop them..but they just pulled me away.I still didn't understand what happened..they didn't explain to me that she had died..I didn't know.Then the next thing I remember was me walking up to the coffin and seeing her there, I kissed her..I still didn't know or understand what was going on..nothing.Then they buried her, they put her in the ground and I was so confused..I thought she was still alive and they had put her in there ALIVE.I had nightmares for so long afterwards. I kept dreaming of being buried alive.I would wakeup screaming and screaming. I just didn't understand why my mother had left me..I realize now it was just a pattern that was to be repeated over and over and over again all through my life. I guess thats where my anger comes from. Just from the lack of control over how people treated me..discarded me and I took it with a smile.. funny thing is I still take it with a smile because I get angry with myself..not anyone else..just myself. I guess for being so unlovable that nobody can stand me for very long. I understand that many things were beyond peoples control..I mean you can't help dying..but in my heart..I felt discarded..unwanted.. NO, I didn't feel that way..thats the way it really was.
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Apr. 29, 2008 - my children
my children Even as the darkness engulfs me, my children send a ray of light and hope.Victoria and Samuel made me smile. They are having best friend day and they are buying gifts for each other. We just returned from walmart where they accomplished that.And James...I look at him and he fills my heart to overflowing. To take him away from me would require that you cut my heart out.I will admit, that when I was younger, I was not like this..I did leave my oldest with my mil for hours on end and not worry about him..but as I get older and realize that time is an enemy and I can never regain those moments, my attitude changes.They will be my salvation.
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Apr. 29, 2008 - service
losing myself in service they are right, when in the service of others you are only in the service of thy God..I left this house so angry with myself..so hurt, sad, upset..to the point of wanting to just rip things apart...The realization that I am an object that was thrown away numerous times has broken me.I went to the funeral service and I worked so hard to help the sisters serve the food and clean and just be of service to the family.They lost their mother (how appropriate). She was 80..but of course, it never is a good time to lose your mother.I didn't think once about my suffering..for I wanted to be there for them..As I was leaving the parking lot, I realized that when you are serving your fellow man...you serve yourself.My anger didn't go away, but it was forgotten for a long time..my sadness, melted with theirs. I understood their pain, but they didn't realize just how much their suffering mirrored mine.I will get over it..I always do..I might not be the same person I was before...but darn it, I can build those walls faster than anyone.
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Apr. 28, 2008 - whatever
I don't know what to do..I don't know where to start. I have lots to do today, and I am not looking forward to it. I have to go serve the food at church after the funeral. I am not fond of funerals.. I will go just to be helpful, but lucky for me I don't have to be present at the actual burial. I get chills just thinking about it. Those childhood nightmares are all about that. I remember when my mother died...it is still fresh in my mind.. oh well... supposedly time heals all wounds, it turns out it doesn't..not at all. anyway, I have to do that, then the kids have mutual at church tonight. Homeschooling, cleaning..and maybe lots of blogging today. I have to write, or I will go crazy..you can tell what kind of day I had by the amount of blog post I write... none to one...ok..day..normal more than 3...very very bad emotional day...even if the post are fun and cheery...most of my thoughts are not. today might be a 5-6 post day...a ignore the phone day..and a the Hell with everyone day. Yep...what a great way to start the morning huh.. To bad, thats just the way things are. = P actually, I am feeling better already. It fun to say "the hell with everyone" because thats exactly how I feel..and I need to write that...If only i could say it out loud. THE HELL WITH EVERYONE!!!!! Doesn't feel the same. lol maybe I am going through menopause..cuz my emotions have been so screwy lately..or maybe I have had a life altering event in my life that has left me shredded like a pile of trash. Nah, thats not it.
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Apr. 28, 2008 - twice
Twice Twice not once...but twice.and like stupid dog I go back again..Idiot
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Apr. 27, 2008 - kudos to my friends
I wanted to give a huge thanks to my friends Squeezy and Veronica for being there for me last night. First, squeezy, I don't even know if you knew, but in our afternoon phone conversation you almost had me in tears Three times. THREE!! You were right..I have many of "those" feelings you mentioned. I think it was hard to hear, but you were right. I was thinking about it all day long and every time I did, I got more and more upset. I didn't realize how much the past actually affected me. I think I was just good at suppressing those feelings and now they want to make themselves known. *sigh*...Thanks for listening. Veronica, thanks so much for helping last night. Our im conversation was great and you might be right to. Right now, my first priority are my kids and my hubby. Thanks guys. Squeezy, our status conversation was so much fun...I really needed those laughs. I will NOT cancel myspace, cuz we have to have more of those. Hee Hee. Thanks guys..you all were there when no one else was. That was so nice of you. Thanks again
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Apr. 9, 2008 - organization blog
http://myblessedhome.blogspot.com/
This site has lots of great info on schedules, homemaking binder etc.
If I could...
I would do everything she does.
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Apr. 7, 2008 - what I said was not what I meant.
No matter how much I try, I always seem to say the wrong thing. I have been trying to build my dh up. Treat him like he is the MOST important part of my life..cuz he is.
Well, today, he had his final and he came home all excited. He passed. I made a big fuss over him and tried to show him how proud I was of him..except...
that I ruined it because I asked him what he got.
He got an 82
My response?
"oh no, you barely passed." (he needed at least an 80)
My dh face just fell and he looked hurt.
Sometimes my words are nothing close to my thoughts thats for sure.
But I must work harder to be the wife I should be.
Prayers are needed. 
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Apr. 7, 2008 - And then...
Just got a call from the relief society presidency and they want me to teach in May. Wow, I jumped at the chance. AND I get to choose what I want to teach. You guessed it, the conference. I am going to choose a talk and teach it.
btw, relief society is the womans group in church. We usually go to church for 3 hours. First hour is sacrament, then sunday school then men go to priesthood and ladies go to relief society. Thats when I will teach.
kids go to primary after sacrement, teens go to young women or young men.
Wow, I think God decided he better use me while I am full of the spirit. I hope that come May I still have the drive. Hee Hee.
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Apr. 7, 2008 - busy day
If I see the inside of my house for along periods of time, I will be suprised.
I have been going since 5:45 am. And I don’t expect to stop soon.
Thats good for me..cuz I am so full of energy and excitement its not even funny. That conference did a number on me..I am going to listen to it again as soon as I can online.
I haven’t felt like this since I went to the temple two years ago.
The feeling of my strength, my power to make a difference in the life of my children.
I need to get back on the ball with their faith in God activities, gospel in action etc.
I have been slacking and letting them do scripture study by themselves. I have to take the reign again with that.
Number one priority...Spiritual renewal for all.
I hope I can keep this up. I am but a human..but I think that if I keep my eye on the prize, all will be fine.
My dh is having a final today, and I was hoping he would be home by the time I got back from my errands, but he is not. I wonder how he did.
His next class starts on the 22 nd and I have to make sure to pay for it BEFORE we go on our trip. I think he is worried I am going to spend more than we should.
This next paycheck is going to have to do more than any paycheck should.
Pay school
Pay our bills
and pay for our trip.
I am very good at creative budgeting , so I think I can manage.
My dh, on the other hand, is sweating bullets.
He has even suggested we cancel, go another time, or even send me alone.
1. I don’t want to cancel
2. Income wise, its always the same (salary) so I don’t think any other time is better or worse.
3. I am willing to go by myself if need be.
I have to read between the lines, is he worried about finances or something else.
I need to be more aware of his feelings and not just my own.
I am going to make sure I let him vent his worries and I will try to go with the flow.
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Apr. 6, 2008 - General Conference and Family
I was just watching our church’s General Conference, a time when all the leaders of the church speak to the world. It occurs twice a year. I sat and listened at home and was really moved and inspired to listen to the great words spoken to us.
I kept hearing stories of family and the love of God. And I had to smile, for really that is why I joined the church.
Long before I had heard of mormons, or Latter Day Saints, I knew that I had a loving Father in Heaven.
I have memories of walking alone, either to school or to the store. Always feeling very very loney, really lost a lot of the time. But regardless, I felt an overwhelming sense of love from God. I remember talking to God when I walked alone. I knew even then as an 11 yo or 12 yo girl that I had a Father who loved me. Heck I didn’t have an earthly father or even a mother. But I knew that I did have the love of my Heavenly Father.
One time, when I was living alone while in college, I guess I was about 19 yo, I had to walk from the bus stop to my apartment. It was late at night. Maybe about 12 midnight or even 1 am. I had to walk down a dark street where lots of guys gathered to drink in a parking lot. I was scared lots of the time because I was a young woman alone.
But I was never bothered, and I always felt as if I walked with protection. In fact, I remember feeling like a huge person was walking with me. I wonder how I actually looked because I was never bothered by anyone of those drunken men. You would think I was an easy target. I would walk that road every weeknight when I left work. And every night I felt protected.
People often wonder why I am a mormon..and sometimes its hard to put into words my feelings.
I guess, I always wanted security in my life. When I spoke with the missionaries for the first time, I knew that what they said was true, because I felt much of what they said at one time or another.
I think regardless of my past, my loneliness, my life, I always felt that if I just kept my trust in the Lord I would be fine.
I don’t think my friends realized how sad I really was growing up, because I always had a smile on my face. I think really, that was just the strength I got from believing that God really had his hand in my life.
Was my life easy? No, not at all. Was it as hard as others? No, I know that others have had a much harder life than I had.
But, I know that how I was raised has affected me and my children. Its hard for me to know how to be with them. I don’t have very many memories of a loving home, a loving mother or even a feeling of security in my life.
I always had a feeling of life being temporary. I knew better than to get attached to anybody or any place. I think I have tried hard to overcome that, but I know that I have build a wall and not even let my children in.
Today, as I was listening to the conference, I knew that I must change that for them..
I really prayed while listening. Prayed to my Father to show me the way. To discard these insecurities, these fears of abandoment that hold tightly to my soul.
I fear blogging about this, but I think that one way to release these fears is to put them out. Out of my heart and out of me.
I think its time to change, not outwardly, as I think most people feel we have a great family. And we do. I have a wonderful husband and great loving children. Its within my own private times that things are not as rosy as they should be. But, as the time goes by and as I learn what the Lord has in store for me..my walls are chipped a little at a time.
When I do my visiting teacher, or read the Ensign, or even join in primary..I remember what is important. My children, their future and their spiritual growth.
That is my number one priority. That is where I will and have but my energy and devotion.
Nothing is more important than that...Nobody, no amout of fun and games, nothing can distract me from my duty as their mother. Sure, I falter, but I will work daily to remind myself that my childrens future is why I am here. Why God put me here on earth..to mother them, to raise them and remind them that they are Children of God so they can have an assurance that where ever they go..He goes too.
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Apr. 4, 2008 - new class
I started my next class at UOP. A critical thinking class. I think its going to be easy, and maybe even fun. My second paper is going to be easy. I have to discuss my workplace and find a problem that I might be able to solve.
Hmm..well my work place is at home. My work is homeschooling. So, I think I can get that paper done quickly.
My last class was so not so hard, but the last week had me doing 3 different assignments. I was so tired.
I think the problem I am going identify is the lack of organization in our homeschooling. I believe that I can write a whole slew of papers on that. Wish me luck
Other things on my mind...everything. I am becoming such a scatterbrain lately. I really need to focus and stop thinking of things that I can't change. I need to put my energy into the here and now. Not the past or even the possible future. Just today, right now...right here.
Easier said than done thats for sure.
I wonder what feelings are normal in this situation? I wish I knew.
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Apr. 3, 2008 - emotional
I am so nervous and excited and scared to make the trip to visit my family. I have been reading some reunion stories online and some are pretty scary. I know that just because you find your family you don't always continue the relationship.
Is it because your life is so far away from their life? Is it because even if you are related you can't relate? Is it because its just to late to make a relationship?
I don't know what I am feeling. I don't understand my feelings at all.
Sometimes I am so happy. Other days, I am so needy and emotional. I told my dh that maybe I need to go to a support group. I have never attended on of those and it makes me feel that I can't handle my own feelings.
I will wait and see.
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Mar. 31, 2008 - Patricks Birthday
Today, my Patrick turned 13.
He is such a great kid and his birth was so easy.
I remember going into the hospital and getting checked. I was two weeks over due.
The nurses told me that I was about 3 cm dilated and to walk around and come back in hour.
We walked all over that hospital. We walked so much my dh was sore the next day.
When the hour was up, they checked me again and I had dilated almost to a 6.
They got my room ready and by the time I got there, the anesthesologist (not sure of the spelling) was already there. I told him I did NOT want an epidural..and lucky for me the nurse was there to back me up. He asked her how far dilated I was and after telling him, he just walked out.
I just loved the nurses because they left me alone. I was allowed to walk the halls or just lay in bed, whatever. They would just peek in and say, oh you are still to happy, and walk away.
The doctor got there and I was getting the urge to push, he broke my water and thats when I got a huge urge to push. I wanted to go home then. But after a few pushes Patrick was out.
He was such an easy labor and birth.
I will try and post some pictures soon.
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Mar. 29, 2008 - quick cvs trip
I finally managed to get to cvs and actually got a good deal.
I got:
1 tide 48 load 7.99
2 cogate 4.2 oz 2x 2.99
1 bag skittles
1 20 oz coke
I paid 3.xx total and got 5.98 in extra care bucks. Cool
I had only one coupon for .50 cents of tide, didn’t bring my colgate coupons but I did have $5 off $15.00 and $7.00 extra care buck..so it was pretty good.
But, then I went to walmart and went over budget..
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Mar. 25, 2008 - I am so tired
My little baby was up till after 1 am, and I had to get up at 5:30 am. I don't want to go back to sleep because I want to get the day going early.
My plan for today is to finish the laundry..Does laundry ever end?
Clean the bathrooms
sweep and mop the whole house
and homeschool.
I have no idea what to make for dinner tonight.
I have ground beef, and chicken to work with.
I don't want to go and get anything at the store as I am WAY over budget. I need to tweek that again.
Hmm..need to think of it more.
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Mar. 24, 2008 - school
I have been working on researching my paper for class. I emailed my section for the team paper, and I got a few good articles for the individual paper.
I must admit, that I am having a hard time not logging into myspace. What an addiction huh.
I want to see so much what is going on but that would defeat the purpose, unless I change my schedule to once aday only instead of twice a week.
I don't think I will be able to wait until Wednesday.
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Mar. 24, 2008 - turned the day around
I am just sitting down to eat for the first time today. My head is aching, but I feel good because we got lots done in the last 3 plus hours.
Still working on the laundry
made waffles and my oldest made the eggs.
cleaned kitchen, family room, dining room and living room..(just quick cleaning)
kids did
Math
history
math
Literature
Got my dh lunch made and all I have to do is pack it.
Got my sheets off my bed to wash and my dh helped by giving little one a bath for me.
Now, the kids are on a break and running around outside. My dh is getting ready for work
and my baby is watching Dora.
After I eat, I am going to switch out the laundry and maybe get started on my team paper. Still waiting to hear from a member of my team
Got a call from another member complaining the N was not going in the direction that she was supposed to..so I get to call her and talk to her. Well..I emailed her and am still waiting..
Regardless, I have to get my section done.
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