On the road...back Home

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Just learning to be who I am..but still trying to find out who that is. Love my kids, of which I have 6 Some are now homeschooled, and some are not. Working, going to school, and trying to be there for everyone and everything.

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soul searching

All lot of times it seems I am walking in a fog..in some kind of dense fog. Many people think I am totally out of it, but really I am just deep in thought. My mind races with so much sometimes. I have always been that way, and in fact, it helps my writing because I tend to do all the rough drafts in my head and when I sit to write, its perfect (for me). I think and think and sometimes I actually get something out of it in a personal way. And that happened yesterday. I had the Aha moment that I need. Something had been bothering me and I just couldn't place my finger on it. I knew it had to do with something spiritual and something familial but I just couldn't seem to face what it was. I was blocking it from my eyes, my consciousness. But it finally broke through and slapped me right in my face. I miss homeschooling. I miss my kids being home. I miss the children I was raising. Homeschooling was a huge part of my life..and very important and validating part of my life. Everything came to me by homeschooling. My spiritual renewal, my family closeness, my whole identity was wrapped up in homeschooling my kids. And now they are gone away...and in place are some kids I don't even know. They come home and I hardly see them..and when I do they act different. They are losing something very important..they are losing their spirituality. And I was ignoring it because my whole life is wrapped up in work and school and those things do not bring the same validation, the same spiritual renewal that homeschooling did. They bring nothing of consequence except money and the promise of more money (gaining a degree). But that is not enough to make me truly happy. Money and the promise of money is a temperal thing that will just go away and leave you wanting more. Regardless, I need money..but I need spiritual and family way more than that. There has been major change in my life..change that would make others world spin. Change that are life altering. I mean, come on, how many people can say that within a few months their family grew by leaps and bounds. Some of the things that have happened might have made a normal person elated and feeling enormously happy. Which it does, but without the foundation of my nuclear family everything else pales in comparison. The problem as Sana pointed out is "what am I going to do about it" That my friends is the million dollar question. What in the world am I going to do about this? How am I going to regain what I have lost without taking away what my children want. How indeed?

Posted: 8:52 AM, Nov. 21, 2008

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lots going on

I need to post all the newest news. I have lots to share...we had a large bio family reunion..it was nice...lots to share soon.
Posted: 9:53 AM, Nov. 19, 2008	Comments (0) \| Add Comment \| Link

the day is here

large family gather this weekend. Excited, and scared that it will not pan out. All I can do is wait and see.
Posted: 6:26 AM, Nov. 7, 2008	Comments (0) \| Add Comment \| Link

whats the point really?

have been trying to process my latest blog and I am having a hard time getting past the issue. Normally I write and then its processed and then I am fine for a while but as time passes its getting harder and harder to process and "pretend" I am fine again.

I kept thinking I should call Frank and see whats up with him. But I just kept thinking "whats the point?"

I'm not sure what kind of relationship we can grow being so far away. Does he want to grow a relationship? Do I?

I am not one for long distance relationships. I am a visual audio type of person, I can't just connect through the phone. I need to be around the person, I need to feel like I am part of their daily life...if not, "Whats the point?"

And like I stated before I am starting to do the emotional shut down that has defined my most of my life.

And once that happens, that my be the end to any real chance of connection.

Posted: 6:13 AM, Oct. 31, 2008

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spewing of emotional stuff

I decided to view my brothers myspace (my dads son). He had his baby's sonogram pictures up. I was happy to see them even though I don't even know this person. I might never get to know him or my two sisters. But even if I ever meet them...so what.

I just don't know. I feel it would be a huge road block to my sanity. I haven't spoken to my father in some time, nor my mother.

Its not a big deal..sadly, it should be. I really should be..but as time goes by I feel more and more detached. The excitement, the newness of reunion has definitely worn off. And I forsee that "we" don't plan to work hard to build a relationship. I know that I am sensing myself shutting down. Little by little, I am shutting down and I scream and rage inside because I don't want to shut down...but I can't seem to help it.

I don't want to work..because I feel that I will never win. I don't want to work because I foresee only abandoment in the future. I don't want to work because working and failing will just kill me inside.

I am tired of being forgotten, ignored, and pushed away. I am tired of feeling like a lost child and a stray.

I know that all these are my own feelings, no one is making me feel this way..I feel this way alone..

I was listening to a song by kelly clarkson, and the lyrics were not about adoption but for some reason I only could think of it in terms of adoption.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you

I kept thinking of the trust issues and abondament issues that most adoptee have and I listen to this song and it just screams to me..

I can't trust anyone because the one person that I should have trusted let me down..way down.

It so sad, because I know in my head why but in my heart its not registering..no matter how hard I try to understand emotionally I can't. I just can't.

Posted: 6:14 AM, Oct. 30, 2008

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