Description
Just learning to be who I am..but still trying to find out who that is.
Love my kids, of which I have 6
Some are now homeschooled, and some are not.
Working, going to school, and trying to be there for everyone and everything.
My Links
»
»
»
|
a little breakdown
Late last night I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't. I kept thinking about the one letter I wrote to my adopted brother.
Just a little background. My mother who adopted me (not officially) had already raised two other adopted children. One sister who was married with children and one brother who was a teen when I joined the family. when I was 5 my mother died and after some shuffling around I moved in with my brother who had recently married..actually a few days before our mother died.
I only lived with them for a very very short while..not sure the exact amount..months maybe.
Then he sent me to live with our sister..who had 2 older children. One teenager and one my age. I lived there for a year or so and then she sent me to live with my natural mother...(that did not last either)
Anyway, I tried to get in contact with the sister but found she had passed. I found my brother but haven't made any attempt to contact him UNTIL yesterday.
I wrote him a long letter pretty much pouring my heart out to him. I hadn't seen him since he left me with my sister.
funny, when I reunited with my mother, one of the first questions she asked was about him.
That got me thinking of him and 2 years after reunion...I finally wrote a letter to him.
Its printed, sealed and ready to send out.
But last night I started to chicken out. Last night I started feeling scared...last night I missed my mother..my adopted mother..last night I need her so badly..last night I had a little meltdown.
I thought to myself, "why send the letter?" What do I want out of this? Do I really want to know him again?
Or is it that I just want to have my family back. My adopted family...my mom and brother and sister..
I haven't had that since I was 5 years old..
why now?
do I really want to contact him or am I just missing my mother?
I am not sure what to do now! |
Posted: 2:28 PM, Dec. 20, 2009 |
Comments (0) | Add Comment | Link |
|
sending my father a letter
Whats so special about that you might ask? Sending your father a letter...so? I guess, its not that special unless you just found your dad almost 2 years ago and finally had a face to face during Thanksgiving and finally put your feelings down on paper, and actually sealed in an envelope. Those are huge milestones for an adoptee with major abandonment issues and one who is second guesses herself over every little thing in this reunion.
I sent my bmom and bdad a Christmas card, but nothing personal. I went up and down the isles looking for something that one might send to a parent for Christmas.
1. I don't know what they like and what they have. This is just our second Christmas in reunion.
2. don't know sizes
3 gifts for mothers and father with cute sayings...don't seem to apply.
I might skip this Christmas and wait for a lesser holiday or a birthday to send something.
I didn't get anything last year from either, so maybe they are just as confused about that too.
So..eventually I might feel comfortable enough to send a little something something to my parents.
Just maybe. |
Posted: 8:32 PM, Dec. 18, 2009 |
Comments (0) | Add Comment | Link |
|
things to consider about adoption
I just read an awesome blog post. I read lots, as I keep mentioning, but this one post put into words those feelings that I sometimes have when speaking to an adoptive mother who cringes at the thought her child's first mother.
Words that I sometimes want to say, but can't seem to string together into a coherent thought.
Sometimes I wonder why adopted mothers need to feel so much gratitude. Not all mother, my mother didn't seem to need it..or maybe she didn't live long enough to demand it.
My first mother is full of guilt and only wants forgiveness. I know she had the opportunity to parent me more than once and she didn't take that opportunity.
My adopted mother, my "real" mother, she jumped at the opportunity to parent me...and I love her for that. I really love her. And I never got to see her demand gratitude, get upset because I needed to find my mother, but thinking about it..I would love to have her now, here with me..even if she demanded those things because I miss her so much.
here is the link to that blog.
http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/2009/12/18/but-how-can-there-be-another-mom/ |
Posted: 12:44 PM, Dec. 18, 2009 |
Comments (0) | Add Comment | Link |
|
homeschooling..yep after all this I still homeschool
I have been posting a lot about adoption..and nothing much about homeschooling. Well, we are still homeschooling. Nick is working hard using lifepacs...and attending a co-op.
Sam is using lots of different things for school. Learning literature through language arts..which we need to work on..I haven't these last few weeks. He also uses spelling workout and some math books that we found at the used book store.
I am trying to get back on a schedule, after the drama and excitement of graduating college, and meeting bio dad.
I am waiting for the roller coaster ride to begin with my reunion with bdad.
I think it is happening a little, but not as bad as biomom.
I spoke to my dh aunt today, she also has a few issues with her mom due to abandonment issues too. She understood where I was coming from big time.
If only more people did. |
Posted: 11:20 PM, Dec. 3, 2009 |
Comments (0) | Add Comment | Link |
|
letters
I just wrote two letters to my birthparents. One with a little emotion to the bdad, and one ending the reunion with my birthmother. Why? I think its time. I think I have been postponing this for months because I am to chicken to tell her over the phone.
Not sure...what if I don't send it?
I sent her a card before with my heart poured out and she never even acknowledged it. I though she didn't receive it, but she did...and she didn't say anything about it at all.
I am afraid to send it, because I don't feel secure in our relationship. I think she will ridicule it and let other ridicule it too.
But if I don't send it, then I will just be stuck in this reunion that goes no where. |
Posted: 9:18 PM, Dec. 2, 2009 |
Comments (0) | Add Comment | Link |
|
|