I have been feeling a lot better lately. I am starting to realize that alot of the emotion might be been misdirected. I think that I am still trying to figure out this reunion business. I am trying to figure out where I belong or don't belong. I worked through the sadness, and last night I think I made a break through. I don't think I was overwhelming sad at the thought of my sister passing, I think it had a lot more to do with my reunion issues. A whole lot more. I think I projected my feelings of loss, abandonment and detachment on to my sister. Thats the only way I can explain it. I had not seen her in years, I don't think all this feeling were only for her. Also, my mother called last night..and that ALWAYS makes me feel better. I don't understand why. I am supposed to call her this morning. I am going too, but I think I need to get some answers from her. I think she might know more about my sister and my brother (adopted ones). I need to know more answers. I need to know why they took me, just to give me away. I need to know why they never looked me up again, (except once, and that was my sister). I need to know if I mattered at all to them. I am starting to think that maybe I didn't really matter at all to them. They might have mattered to me, but I didn't matter to them.

Its a blessing and a curse. I am heavily involved with the internet. I blog, I read blogs, and forums (mostly adoption) and I email till my finger tips can't take it anymore. My school work is online, my team members meet online, my friends and family are online..I live online. So, whats the problem? I have a major problem in distancing myself from people online. I am waiting for at least 3 different people to email who haven't. I am waiting for at least 5 different people who email me regularly, including my team mates. Plus I am on a few email groups too. So, how can I check the email, for important ones, and not be anxiously looking for the ones who aren't replying. I can't stop checking email...its my lifeline. So..how do you do it. I want to wipe away the "need" to hear from these people, but at the same time I can't just leave my email unchecked. And i have to check it various times during the day. A big problem for sure. Ok enough of this..must go spend my money...give it all away..

As I have stated before, I am returning 3 of my kids to school. I am nervous about it, a little worried, and a little excited. Today we are doing the back to school shopping. wow, I haven't done that in years. New clothes, shoes, school supplies etc. I buy my kids new clothes shoes and supplies, but whenever they need it. Not all at once. So, I am going shopping, spending..and more spending. I think the kids are excited. They start on the 4th. Its getting closer and closer. Last night, I was watching my two year old. He was so happy, running around, singing and laughing. He melts my heart. I am grateful for my little family. My hubby is the best, and my kids are my whole world. Sometimes I need to remind myself that they are what is important, and let the rest of my problems slide away. People want me, or don't want me..whatever. I have a family now that matters to me, and I matter to them. I might not have had the best childhood, but I can try and give my kids the best childhood I can. I was upset last night, just thinking and thinking of this whole reunion business. I am not searching for anyone anymore. I am putting that energy and time where it belongs..with my family. No more. If anyone wants to find me..they can find me. I am done. I need to reconnect to my family..the only family that matters right now. My hubby and my kids.

I still seem to tear up at a moments notice. But why? I have been trying to put a label on these feeling (about my sister). I almost feel like she was my "real" mom, and when I found her, she was dead. I have all the same questions I would have and had of my first mom. Why did you send me away? What did I do wrong? Did you even love me? But she wasn't my mom, heck we don't even share dna..but after our mother died, she became my mother. I was only about 5 or six when i moved in with her..and only lived with her for maybe less than two years. But she still was like a mother to me. I searched for her too..for a long time, but had the wrong last name the whole time. I don't even know if she had the same feeling for me..and that hurts so much. I found my first mother...but I have lost one mother to many. Everyone sent me away..everyone. Why, I wonder? Why? All the buried feeling are coming back, the abandonment, the lack of connection to someone. I can't get any more lost than I already am.

I need to let this out some how. I keep wanting to break into tears every minute, but I hate to do it. No one here understands why I feel so sad that someone died whom they never met. Who I never really talked about to them..Really, I don't know why I feel this way. Its almost like all this reunion thing and mothering thing just overwhelmed so much that when I heard the news that my sister died I just couldn't take one more darn thing. I just could not take any more reminders about how screwed up people made my life. How I have no connection to anyone beyond my hubby and children. I almost have no past. I have no one that I can say was there for me when I was young. Every one sent me away at one time or another..everyone..and now when I want some connection some bond I find I have nothing. Then when someone who was part of my past, at least for a while is gone..I am wondering what else I have missed being without a family. Is this how foster kids feel? God help them.

I just found out that my adopted sister died in January. I had been estranged from all my adopted family for many years. I have been on the search kick and decided to look them up...and was hit with this news. My amom could not have any children. She adopted a boy and a girl who were grown by the time she adopted me. When she died, I was 5 and moved in with my brother who then sent me to live with my sister. After a year or so she sent me to live with my first mom. I lived with my first mom for a few months before she sent me back to my adopted family. So, that was my first few years. I hate it, because I always felt like a didn't belong anywhere..or with anyone. Still, I had some good memories (and some bad, but not her fault) with my sister. I had always wanted to find her, but because of some issues I had, I never found her. And now...its to late.

I am just doing some homework, but decided I wanted to vent a little. Haven't heard anything from my bdad. And thats ok..feels fine. Haven't heard from my uncle after weeks of emailing almost on a daily basis..thats ok too. Haven't spoken to my mother and now I am getting that low again. So, whats the deal? I wonder if I just want to be angry with my mother, or maybe I just want a reason to back away? I have been thinking of pulling back...way back. What stops me? The guilt. I will feel so guilty for hurting her feelings. But, what about my feelings? I think I need some form of therapy. Haven't heard anything from my bmom's daughters, and that hurts too. I think that hurts the most, and so I bundle that hurt and turn it towards my mother. I wish I didn't care. Maybe I shouldn't care. I was told not to have exceptions and just go with it. I can't do that. I rather not go with it...I rather turn away and be alone again than not have expectations. Whats confusing is that I don't know what I want. I only know what feels safe, and thats to wash my hands of all this reunion heart ache. I don't want any more of it. I don't want to feel that happiness that just turns to anger and sadness. I don't. I won't. I could continue to reach out..over and over again, but I am done feeling like a begger..a fool..and loser. Can't they reach out to me? I guess I should get the hint. They don't want me...so maybe..its over and I should just stop worrying about it. I wonder when this confusion ends. I wonder when I can get back to my homeschool blogging, my frugal blogging, and MY LIFE!!!

Normally, I am all smiles. Normally I seem happy. When I am at work, its all smiles and happiness. You have to be, right. My boss always comments on how I am constantly smiling. Well, it is a customer service job. Well, yesterday he walked by and I said hi..he then commented to the person that was with him: "I wish I was like Linda, with NO WORRIES." WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No worries, indeed. I am constantly worrying, especially at work. I am sad, lots of times at work. Especially when I see mothers and daughter. Adult mothers and daughters. I watch them. I wonder if I will ever have a relationship like that. They act in many different ways, some joke, some sound frustrated with each other, some are loving, but all have a special connection, or vibe about them. They are bonded. I work retail..and one mother daughter pair came through my lane, and the daughter was just graduating basic training..and moving on to tech school. She had lots of stuff and the mom paid for it all. The daughter then told her mom, please mom, thats to much money. And the mom said...thats ok, you are my daughter. I almost lost it right there. "My daughter"..I am someones daughter..but we don't have that bond. I was thinking of my amom, who passed when I was 5. I think alot of these feeling I have are misdirected grief for my amom. I miss her so much. I think the deep need for my bmom, is more of a deep need for my amom. I love her so..I miss her so..I still have many memories of her..even though I was very young when she died. SHE was my MOM!!

Well, its been a few days since I spoke to my father. And I feel good, unlike when I speak to my mother and then fall into depression as days go by and I don't hear from her. I have no problem calling him by his first name and have no desire to call him dad, or father to his face. Will this change? Maybe..he seems so nice and I was really at ease with him, but unlike my mother, I have no anxiety about labels with him. I still have a hard time calling her mom, or asking for her when her family answers the phone, and an even tougher time calling her by her name. So mom it is, but ONLY because I don't like to call her by her first name. The only thing that is the same, is that I don't know what I am supposed to feel with them. I know I am angry, but with whom, why for what reason. As I spoke to my dad, I wanted to connect so bad, I wanted him to feel that connection. I don't know if he did, but I really felt that he was sincere in his conversation. Am I angry with him? I don't feel like I am. He did just leave my mother alone, he did have an extramarital affair, he did abandon me too, but who's fault was it. He told me something, and she told me something. I just told my father, that the past is the past. Isn't it? Do I really believe that?

Gosh, I am so tired. I think I am going to be bad and miss church. My laundry is piling up, my kitchen is a mess, and the rest of the house is BAD. I still have to work today too. Plus, I am feeling a little sick. My dh worked from 3 pm till 7 am and so he will not go to church. Since I am not going, neither is my oldest. I am dropping the rest off. I feel like a slacker, but I feel so dizzy and sick to my stomach. I need a little rest before I head to work. I work until 11pm today. Anyway, my son wants to play basketball this year. I wonder how I can do it now that I work? I have to try and find a way. Hmm. I still have to call my mother back and let her know how the phone call with bdad went. I wonder what she will think. His story of past events was a little different from hers, which is to be expected. He was also going to tell his older daughter about me. Yikes. I told him if he felt unsure about telling her, that he didn't have to. But he wants to. I wonder if he will call back. He said he wanted to call regularly, but it sounds like he works alot. Well, we will take this one day at a time. On a different note. My ac is out...and its sooooo hot here. Yikes.