Description
Just learning to be who I am..but still trying to find out who that is.
Love my kids, of which I have 6
Some are now homeschooled, and some are not.
Working, going to school, and trying to be there for everyone and everything.
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whats the deal
| I am just doing some homework, but decided I wanted to vent a little.
Haven't heard anything from my bdad. And thats ok..feels fine. Haven't heard from my uncle after weeks of emailing almost on a daily basis..thats ok too.
Haven't spoken to my mother and now I am getting that low again.
So, whats the deal?
I wonder if I just want to be angry with my mother, or maybe I just want a reason to back away?
I have been thinking of pulling back...way back.
What stops me? The guilt. I will feel so guilty for hurting her feelings.
But, what about my feelings?
I think I need some form of therapy.
Haven't heard anything from my bmom's daughters, and that hurts too. I think that hurts the most, and so I bundle that hurt and turn it towards my mother.
I wish I didn't care.
Maybe I shouldn't care.
I was told not to have exceptions and just go with it.
I can't do that.
I rather not go with it...I rather turn away and be alone again than not have expectations.
Whats confusing is that I don't know what I want. I only know what feels safe, and thats to wash my hands of all this reunion heart ache.
I don't want any more of it. I don't want to feel that happiness that just turns to anger and sadness.
I don't.
I won't.
I could continue to reach out..over and over again, but I am done feeling like a begger..a fool..and loser.
Can't they reach out to me? I guess I should get the hint. They don't want me...so maybe..its over and I should just stop worrying about it.
I wonder when this confusion ends.
I wonder when I can get back to my homeschool blogging, my frugal blogging, and MY LIFE!!!
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Posted: 11:39 PM, Jul. 18, 2008 |
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Same
| This is how reunion looks for most people. I too have been going through this for over 20 years. One thing I know is I am happier with her in my life than without, even with all the turmoil. It is all about expectations. We go from being very close to being very distant, every couple of years. It is wearing. I try to make special memories, even that is hard when it is one sided. I am a first Mom. |
Posted by Linda at 9:37 AM, Jul. 20, 2008 |
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20 years
| When does it get better? Never? |
Posted by sillysiller at 10:50 PM, Aug. 3, 2008 |
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