Description
Just learning to be who I am..but still trying to find out who that is.
Love my kids, of which I have 6
Some are now homeschooled, and some are not.
Working, going to school, and trying to be there for everyone and everything.
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An update of sorts
I am getting ready for work and decided I needed to post a blog entry RIGHT NOW.
I have been doing so much, but really not much at all.
Working, working, housework and surfing the web.
I miss my kids, but they love school. Some of the things they tell me scare me..but I have promised to leave them in for the year.
On the adoption front. Same old same old.
I have been on myspace pages belonging to brothers sisters, and nephews and nieces. My fathers children and grandchildren have myspace pages. I found them and just go on and read what they have to say, look at their pictures and hope that one day they put a picture of my father on their page. I still don't know what he looks like.
I try not to look at myspace pages of my mothers daughters. It hurts to much to see them as a family and realize what I have missed and still miss not being included.
I haven't contacted either birth parent for a while. I don't want to.
Now, I am on the verge of another adoption problem. I am wondering if I should contact my aunt who was raised in the same family as I was. I found her son and daughters myspace page, but the one reason I don't want to reach out to her, is that I will have to have contact with my adopted family and I can't handle that now. She is very close to one family member who I most definitely don't want to see right now. I have to much bitterness toward that one person.
But...I feel so bad for my aunt. Both her birth parents (my grandparents) are died and she never ever met them. I wonder is she has some of the same feelings I do. I also wonder if she ever thinks of her biological family. I know she has had contact with one of her sisters.
I think alot about how hard it is not to ever get to know your mother. No matter what roller coaster emotions I have had with my mother, I am so happy to have answers and insight to my life and origins.
She won't ever have that.
The weird thing is that if it wasn't for her, I would never have found my mother.
While searching on the net, I came across the obit for my grandmother. Right in that obit was my aunts name. The family had included her in the family and I knew that was my grandmother without a doubt. In that obit was my mothers new married name. I searched her and voila I found her and all my sisters and brothers. So she had a large role in my reunion, and she doesn't even know it.
I almost emailed my nephew, her son, through his page. But, I am not ready. I prayed about it and even dreamed about it and I just feel its not the right time.
So, I wait...and wonder and worry.
I haven't seen her for almost 15 years. Thats a long time. But, through the net, I got to see pictures of one daughters wedding, her grandkids and some holiday celebrations. Thats enough for me..for now.
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Posted: 8:28 AM, Oct. 6, 2008 |
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