I am reflecting on my conversation with my brother.  It was really a great conversation but I started wondering about the other half of the sibling group..then I starting wondering about the bparents.  Then I started wondering about me.

I realized..well, I already knew that I have a huge wall built around my heart.  I have been trying to knock it down, but its not working because when I feel rejected again..I build it again but about 2 times as thick.

That has happened this whole year of reunion.  I started with a cautious heart..tried opening it a little then felt rejected over and over again..by many people.  Little rejections, like not returning calls. or waiting for days, weeks, months to call me again or at all..coming into town and ignoring me (for whatever reason)..those make me build my wall stronger each time.  I decide that its not worth the effort to have a relationship with those people..why when all that I do is build the wall over and over again.

So, now I am starting again with my bdads family.  I hope its not the same..I hope that we can meet and grow a real relationship.

Frankie wants to so badly..and so do I..

But I keep reliving my reunion with my mom and sisters.  They are not bad people.  They are good people but for someone that has such a distrust and doesn't want to open my heart just to have it broken again..I seem bad, or disinterested or mean or whatever..

But I am not..I am just hurt and very afraid of getting rejected over and over again. 

I guess what many people don't understand is when an adoptee (who already feels rejected) is rejected again..then the defense is to reject them.

Oh, I have tried to open up. I have tried by reaching out..I have tried..but I withdraw again and again...any little thing will make me withdraw..but the big things make me just close up. ie..ignoring me, forgetting me, lying to me etc
I feel bad, I do.  But its easier to build my wall and turn away  from those that I feel are out to hurt me. 
I know there are those who actually want to hurt me, for some reason..but those who don't, I am sorry that I don't let you in. 
Not sure if that will ever change.