my blog is my blog and I love to write about whatever I might be feeling (this very second) at any given time.

One thing that bothers me is that some people might feel that I am a bitter adoptee.  I don't think I am. 

I am upset, and sometimes angry and sometimes sad and sometimes hurt...

but I am also a normal human being.  This is but a small part of me...

anyway, I was told that I hurt feelings when I write about adoptee issue on my blogs.  Hmmm..so does that mean I have to shut my feeling up and not express that I hate the fact that I was abandoned?

And why do adoptees have to be the "happy" adoptees.

are we the only ones that have to hide feelings and make others feels good about themselves?

Or does it hurt others because they can't come to terms that they, or their family or someone they know left their child and that child feels abandoned and that reunion suck sometimes and that I have a heart and it breaks.

I am not really bitter, and for others to tell people that I am bitter, or mean or I need to "get over" it is wrong.  Its pushing my feelings away and not allowing me to have the right to mourn my loss.

Its also sad that I have lived for 38 years and 36 of those years I never said one bad thing about adoption but those 36 years mean nothing.  I start voicing my opinion for a little over a year and now I am a bitter adoptee.

Hmm..don't understand.

But one thing..if people feel hurt or offended, I am sorry..but I am not going to stop expressing my feelings on my blog.  I suggest they stop reading.

I have been trying and trying to get my life  organized.  I have been searching for planner that would fit my life and my needs.  I haven't found one.  I got pretty close yesterday but I didn't feel up to spending $24.00 for it.  Not that $24 is a lot of money, its just that I love planners, buy them and then use them for a  very little while and then want another.  So, I am determined to spend money wisely.  Its a start.

A few weeks ago our local library was having a book sale.  I went in to see what they had to offer and within the boxes and boxes of books I found an old monthly planner.  Just had a few months used up so I added it to my purchase.  At first the ladies were confused until I explained that it was among the books.  One lady asked a dime for it.  I was more than willing to pay that..= ) but the other lady told her to just give it to me.  I was happy to do that too.

So after yesterday, I decided to use that for now.  I had also purchased a journal with the wording in front saying "In the lord I trust."  I decided to use that too.  In one I can put the appointments etc and in the other I can fill in my daily activities.

With my new calling, I feel that I need to be organized because I have lots of responsibilities (as soon as they tell me what they are) plus with home chores, and homeschooling..I really have to get organized and stay organized.

I am revisiting a household notebook.  I had one before but I let it get out of control.  I am  going to try again.

Some of my sections will include:

A calender

Homeschool

address/phone numbers

school (for those I don't homeschool)

Young womans/church

spiritual

Chores

Menus

thats a start for that too.

I am also doing Managers of their Chores and so far its working well.  I am very excited to have purchased it.  I hope I continue having success.  My house is already looking better. 

I will speak more on that later as we get used to it.

I am really trying to get my life organized and trying hard to "get over" the emotional turmoil I have been going through. 

I never realized that I could be such a bitter person when it came to adoption.  I never was, until I found my mother.

I don't know why that is. I have a long way to go.

I think I am getting better..but I will admit I have lots of anger still..I can't seem to relate everything through adoptee eyes..everything...

But, I am trying, and little by little I will overcome this.

I am reflecting on my conversation with my brother.  It was really a great conversation but I started wondering about the other half of the sibling group..then I starting wondering about the bparents.  Then I started wondering about me.

I realized..well, I already knew that I have a huge wall built around my heart.  I have been trying to knock it down, but its not working because when I feel rejected again..I build it again but about 2 times as thick.

That has happened this whole year of reunion.  I started with a cautious heart..tried opening it a little then felt rejected over and over again..by many people.  Little rejections, like not returning calls. or waiting for days, weeks, months to call me again or at all..coming into town and ignoring me (for whatever reason)..those make me build my wall stronger each time.  I decide that its not worth the effort to have a relationship with those people..why when all that I do is build the wall over and over again.

So, now I am starting again with my bdads family.  I hope its not the same..I hope that we can meet and grow a real relationship.

Frankie wants to so badly..and so do I..

But I keep reliving my reunion with my mom and sisters.  They are not bad people.  They are good people but for someone that has such a distrust and doesn't want to open my heart just to have it broken again..I seem bad, or disinterested or mean or whatever..

But I am not..I am just hurt and very afraid of getting rejected over and over again. 

I guess what many people don't understand is when an adoptee (who already feels rejected) is rejected again..then the defense is to reject them.

Oh, I have tried to open up. I have tried by reaching out..I have tried..but I withdraw again and again...any little thing will make me withdraw..but the big things make me just close up. ie..ignoring me, forgetting me, lying to me etc
I feel bad, I do.  But its easier to build my wall and turn away  from those that I feel are out to hurt me. 
I know there are those who actually want to hurt me, for some reason..but those who don't, I am sorry that I don't let you in. 
Not sure if that will ever change.

and I am super scared and excited.  I never imagined that I would have this calling because..well...I don't understand why I would be called.

Its going to be extremely time consuming but I think it will take me out my me funk and unto service to others.

I know I have been on the whine whine recently and if I look at my blog it happens always around the same time.  So I chalked up to pms.

But..its also that I have pushed down so many emotions and they are ready to come out.

Talked to my mom and dad yesterday and the day before and I feel ok about the whole conversation.

I just don't know why this "primative wound" has such a hold on me.

I guess its the most basic of need.

Oh well...I am grateful for all the things that God has given me and I am ready to pay it forward with my new calling.  I was up late last night working on some lessons, well reading them to get more in tuned with the spirit.  Realized that I was wasting to much time on stupid things and decided to use computer time for spiritual growth instead of mind numbing experiences..like jumping back and forth from myspace to facebook

Now I have other things to deal with besides what could have been.  Just know that I will probably deal with this on a regular basis when my hormonals are whacky.

i am still somewhere underneath is emotion.  It only been a year and I am still trying to get used to it all.