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“Sugar on Beans” August 24, 2006 Mid-Texas. Now that our boys are young men (17, 16, 15), there are few family discussions as fascinating as what one friend calls, “spouse-talks”. In her family, just as in our family, the talk around the kitchen table frequently turns to what to look for in a good marriage partner, what are the character qualities and deficits that will make the most difference long-term, and what skills, knowledge, or character still needs refining in each boy prior to marriage. We laugh a lot in the process of learning together. We are also intensely serious; this is a time-consuming process of thinking/learning/analyzing that must bubble on the back burner over months (perhaps years) before each boy reaches the stage of refinement that signals his readiness to add the sweet sugar of a girl for life. Young boys have lots of rough edges. They need a lengthy season of marriage preparation in which to slowly soften; this is true masculinity with firm character and gentle kindness. In our family, this season began in earnest as soon as the boys began to notice girls. We felt that there was great benefit to an abundance of time to learn how to make a wise marriage decision -- time to internalize core principles (the matching principles they will look for in their girl for life), and to train themselves to routinely look beyond external packaging and to recognize the essence of a girl’s heart. Our first-born son says you could call this process, “Sugar on Beans”. He explains it this way: “Young men and young women, when they get into their young adult years, often experience the desire to get married and begin experiencing that happiness that they see in their parents. This leads many teenagers to begin dating, the popular method of getting to know other possible marriage partners, and experiencing some of that ‘romance’ everyone wants to enjoy. What they don’t realize, is that the last years before marriage form the crucial preparation stage and these years require maximum energy and minimal distraction. Introducing a sweet girl during the refining years is a major distraction and a drain on mental focus. There is a fundamental changing process that takes place when a young man and a young woman come together and begin courting. A good analogy is the concept of sugar on beans. If you’ve ever tried cooking beans, it’s tempting to add a spoonful or two of molasses or brown sugar to ‘enhance the flavor’ as the beans are softening in the first boil. This is until one realizes that adding sugar to beans causes the starch in the beans to solidify, thus halting the softening process. Therefore, the cardinal rule with cooking beans is, don’t add the sugar until they are as soft as you want them.” |
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