Well, my Tuesday lessons were actually a little easier to bear this week.  4 of the 7 had practiced.  What a refreshing change.  Plus it's the first of the month, so I got paid.  I came home feeling like maybe I will survive another week.  Don't know whether it's the money or the practice.... probably the money. 

Wednesday bible study was good.  We just finished the chapter on radical depravity in J.M. Boices book The Doctrines of Grace.  He talks about Jonathon Edwards treatis on the will.  Really interesting.  Edwards defines the will as the mind choosing what it thinks is best and that our sinful nature will choose the evil over the good.   I need to read the chapter again for my own solidification.   Think, Think, Think as  Pooh says.  Then again, Pooh is probably in Rick Warren's fluff and stuff camp.  Much as I love the old bear, he isn't exactly a spokesperson for the intellectual camp. 

Now, as for family matters.... Gabby is making me INSANE.  She is such a girl and drama queen.  I am perfectly willing to do and let her do all manner of girly things, but the snotty little attitude and tears over absolutely NOTHING make me want to ship her to boarding pre-school.  I really am hoping for either boy or another Nat, as naughty as she is..... I have no idea how families with a whole slug of girls deal with all the emotion.  GAG.  Suck it up, move on, get over it. I am sure that God has some grand plan for my sanctification to get me to be more compassionate and merciful by giving me these girls. 

I thought that Mondays were going to be my day of strife once co-op got going again.  It really isn't too bad.  I have 3 choir classes, and Intro to Latin.  By noonish I am done and can socialize a bit til my kids are done with their other classes.  My only really tough class is my movement and music class which is for the littles (3-7).  It requires more of me than I physically want to do at this stage of pregnancy, but the kids seem to enjoy it.  Hop, jump, run, squat, dance, freeze, march, and a host of other movements that I am hopeful will force this baby to decide life is better on the outside than the inside ( in another 7 or 8  weeks, that is.)  In the mean time, I just pray that incontinance doesn't strike. 

The last month Tuesday's have become a day of dread because I have a slew of lessons, and for whatever reason, no one practices anymore.  It's like waking up and realizing that the thing you thought you did really well, you actually suck at.  I am unable to motivate kids to want to perform at their best levels.  I am unable to convince them that practice will make them better, more disciplined people.  I am unable to coerce them into making practice, let alone lessons a priority over any other activity that they have.  It's really not just my Tuesdays.  Out of my whole studio, I have maybe 5 kids that are willing to work even a little bit.  It's just that I have a larger number on Tuesday than any other day.  I would drop 3/4 of my studio if I could figure out a way to survive without the income.  My other problem is that I have relationships with several of the parents of kids I teach.  It's hard for me to be a completely professional teacher and say, " No, I can't accomodate your schedule and rearrange everyone else to suit you."  Once you go down the road of being friend AND paid teacher, it gets really sticky. Plus, as I said, I can't afford for my students to drop their lessons.  A waiting list in a town like Bayard is rather unheard of.  I tried upping my prices, and I highly doubt that's going to change anything. At the end of the day, I hate myself because I am a pushover who is incapable of inspiring anyone to do anything. 

The big reason for my long hiatus....I had computer issues.   I actually intended to blog a bit yesterday, and only managed the title before kids ended up needing my complete attention.... hence the back in the saddle title.  The motherboard went out on our computer, and until we can swing a new one, we are using my folks' old cast off.  It has it's own issues, but for the moment, I can access internet, word process, check e-mail, and check my bank balence.  So I was without a computer for several weeks and thought that it was probably God ordained.  It was good to be without for a while and kind of regrouped my focus and such. 

On the homefront, Trent started band in co-op, playing Steve's saxophone. (Daddy threatened on pain of death if he didn't take pristine care of the beloved alto.)  Max has also started learning guitar along with Steve in the evenings.  Steve has been meaning to teach himself for a couple of years already, and last summer he picked up a small sized guitar at a garage sale.  So,  that's he and Max's project.  My ultimate goal would be one woodwind, and one string plus piano for everyone, but we will see how that works out down the road. 

Thought I would add this too... A few weeks ago, I had an ultrasound where they did some 3D stuff.  The pictures were really cool, a little freaky, and makes you wonder how anyone can think that an unborn baby at any stage is less than completely human.  

Well, Steve heard back on his latest interview.  A nicer rejection letter than usual.  The person he interviewed with encouraged him to apply for any positions that she would have available in the future.  Usually, it's just a "Thank you for applying, we have gone with another canidate" kind of thing.  This one was more personal. Steve thinks that's a positive thing.  I think she was just nicer than the other people he has interviewed with. However,  I think my discouragement with this whole business is lessening.  I am really trying not to make anything of the list of rejections that keep growing. 

I went to a Women's Retreat with my mom, my Grandma, my Aunt Eileen.  The speaker is a woman that my mom is friends with and I have a couple of her books.  She is fun to listen to, and has a passion for Jesus that is hard to match.  The big thing that I got out of the weekend was an awareness (conviction) that I put my security and hope in Steve's job.  Logically I know, and with my words I confirm to those around me that I truely do believe that God is completely ordering our circumstances to achieve his purpose in bringing glory to Himself.  But I let my emotion and pride get in the way of that.  Which for me usually exhibits as self pity.  So when I got home, I confessed to my husband that this is what I had been doing, (he already knew). I told him that I was going to keep telling myself the truth that God IS all I need, not more income, not greater security, not better circumstances, to be happy.  Steve will fail me, he's human, jobs will be disappointing, they are temperal.  Where is my hope?  The reality is that Steve could be killed tonight on the way home, he could be laid off tomorrow, my house could burn to the ground and all my children perish, I could die giving birth to this baby.  What of it?  My hope has to be in the eternal, not the temperal. 

So, still mulling all of this around in my melon, I was listening to Casting Crowns on the way home and here's what I heard.  I have listened to it a hundred times before, and it's always powerful, but evenmore so right now.

Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

July has taken us by storm, I guess.  We had my sister here for several days, followed by Steve's show choir reunion in Sheridan.  Then we get home and Trent has 2 weeks of swimming lessons, and it's over a hundred for like a week straight.  I HATE HEAT.  Have I mentioned this before?  My sister is moving to TX in 2 weeks, and I get hot thinking about how hot it is there.   North of the Arctic Circle sounds lovely to me.  Although, today it's perfect for August 1st..  A cool rainy night and a high of 75, and overcast and cloudy all day.

My real reason for not blogging is probably due to my crappy attitude about life in general though.  God is distant;  it feels like he doesn't hear a single cry for help, and I am hormonal.  Not a good combo. This is generally where I end up when I am out of the Word for a month.  Go figure.  So, I finally started getting up early again in the mornings. It definately puts my morning in a better perspective.  My husband told me to go read Job, if that tells you anything...

Friday here. My sister is coming to hang out for a couple of days. I have had her oldest for a couple days.  Bennett and Max are the same age, so they have had a relatively good time.  I also had Luke with us and will again today.  So,  all told we will have a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5, 6, and 9 year old here today.  I think that we might skip the pool, unless we go earlier rather than later. I need to run a meal up to a friend this evening, and I have 2 lessons at some point that I was unable to rearrange.  What do you think the chances of doing any school are?  This is why we go year round.  I can take off a week here or there and still not miss days.  And we probably only have 3 real days a week during the traditional school year, with one day being our co-op, and one day having Biblestudy chop up the day.  My goal is to always do Math, Latin, and Piano.  The rest is gravy. Those three train the brain, force them to think.  Gotta go get girlies out of the tub.  The water is getting cold... Gabby is turning blue. 

Speculate we did.  The city-wide display started at 9:58 and went until 10:09.  We kept sitting there wondering if that was really it.  Lovely while it lasted though.  Meanwhile, back at my folk's.... My dad who hasn't ever spent more than a couple of dollars on fireworks decided that with everyone home, he would spring for the BIG box of assorted goodies.  We had rockets, sparkers, snappers, smoke bombs and fountains a host of other things.  My aunt and uncle were there and my cousin Lane, who is 14 and quite a pyrotechnitian, brought another bunch of stuff, and then my brother-in-law John, bought a couple of the really big way up there in the sky explosives.  We contributed the required ooohs and ahhs where appropriate.  Natalie danced and squealed about the booms, and Gabby sat with Bryanna and covered her ears the whole time.  The boys loved it, of course.  Something about being allowed to play with fire, I guess.  We only gave them sparklers and still Trent nearly lit Max's hair on fire.

We also got a little ice cream cake and sang happy birthday to Max.  His birthday is actually the 28th of December, so we celebrate his half birthday and then he actually has a party of sorts.  This is the first birthday he's celebrated with cousin Bennett with him.  Bennett gave him a new transformer.  Appearently they are back from the early 80's when John played with them.  Car transformes to Robot and back again.  Duel purpose toys.  Anyway, a good time was had by all.

Tons to do today before we leave, but I wanted to post my musings on our services yesterday.  Pastor Tim is preaching through John on Sunday night and he linked Jesus' words with Jesus' works (signs and miricles).  They are inseperable.  Christ makes claims to be the Son of God, equal with God, Himself diety, and then His signs do the same thing.  They show Jesus to be God, to reveal God's glory, and each sign says something else about Jesus' Diety.  He says he is the Bread of Life after feeding the 5000 to demonstrate not only that he is powerful enough to multiply 5 loaves to feed that many, but that what they need for sustanance is not physical bread, but Jesus Himself, as spiritual life.  He says "Lazarous, Come forth." not only to show that He is master over death, but also that he is specific in whom his call is extended to.  Each sign shows a different angle to His diety, to His purpose, to glorify the Father in another significant way.  It made me think about this.... If Jesus' words and works can't be separated from who he is, then my sin can't be separated from who I am.  So which came first the Chicken or the Egg... Am I a depraved sinner because I sin? or do I sin because I am a depraved sinner?  It probably doesn't matter, either way it makes much of God, Grace, and Glory, and little of me, myself, and I.   Food for thought. 

Well, today my brother and sister in law are flying to Omaha.  My folks are going to pick them up and then they will be home for a week.  We are going to Bow for the 4th and 5th when the whole everyone is there.  For being a town of 4500 they do a pretty good display.  I am not a big fan of fireworks.  My frugal side takes over and says, "What's the point?"  I am fine with buying the kids a pack of sparklers once a year, but I HATE the black cats.  My neighbors have been setting off packs of them daily since the stand downtown started selling.  What an extreme annoyance.  I wish there were a ban on them until the night of the 4th.  It isn't like my neighbors are really "celebrating" the country they live in... they just like the noise and the fact that they are allowed to play with gunpowder... Think Sid in Toy Story. 

Anyway, aside from the extra noise, today should be a fairly normal, stick close to home kind of day.  The boys need to return their books to the library, and I need to clean in a big way. 

Ugh.  It's supposed to be 98 here today.  That means that kiddos will want to be at the pool.  I am not a good canidate for swimsuits, and avoid them at all costs, but Gabby and Nat really love the water, so I have to sit up there with them for a little while anyway.  Yesterday I took them up (the boys do the big pool and we do the baby pool) for about an hour.  Then we went home and went shopping since today is payday.  Nat is stocked on bananas again. 

I checked my email last night, and my mom sent me a link to a new project that looks VERY good.  The folks over at Sovereign Grace are coming out with a new cd.  The lyrics are based on prayers out of Valley of vision, which is a collection of puritan prayers that are so God centered.  I just hope they get the leads out soon.  This is the kind of stuff we do in church.  Pretty exciting.  Especially since I love reading these prayers.  They force me to confront my evil, nasty self.

Well, we are trying something new.... I have had a few quibbles with my other blog host.  Primarily because no one who wanted to leave comments could.  I am hopeful that I wont generate hate mail, but I do want people to be able to comment if they want to.  The last couple of months have been sparse for entries anyway, and I probably don't have too many people checking it anyway.  We have been busy, and the next couple of weeks don't look like they are going to ease up any. 

The big news that is finally out and about is that peanutshell #5 will be making an appearence (hopefully) the end of November.  My actual due date is Dec 7th, but my doc is headed to South Africa for a month on Nov. 30th.  Up until Natalie, I didn't think I carried babies for 40 weeks. (She has proven to be equally stubborn on this side of the womb.)  So in addition to "hearing" me ramble about home, church, teaching, my own sanctification, my whining about the weather, living in the middle of no where and everything else I talk about, you will also probably get updates containing more information than you really wanted about pregnancy. Up to this point, it has been an unprecidentedly asymptomatic pregnancy.  We are crossing that threshold of normal into the relm of "big family." Which of course, goes against the grain, but that's what we live for....