He smelled of soap and sleep and milk. His warm head and soft fine hair felt unbelievably tender under my chin. I tilted my head and caressed my cheek over the top of his head as I rubbed his back. He curled even tighter, in his sleep, pulling his legs up and his arms in – forming into a little ball. Like a turtle – trying to become smaller and protected. His reaction pulled at me inside, and I tried to cover his back with my arms, pulling him close as I felt an overwhelming love and instinct to protect.

…Here he is – so fresh and new from the womb - and I feel so vulnerable and weak to protect his vulnerability and weakness. He’s here – and I can’t go back to the safety of the womb – when the baby was just a theory, an idea, a dream that I could play with and put away. And now I must see it through.

How can I do it – oh God? I can’t keep him safe. Here in this cruel world…

Wetness flattened the fuzz on his head as I prayed for this new little soul and for my empty and lacking soul. Love filled my whole being. A strange and quiet peace descended on me leaving me feeling full – like after a satisfying meal. But tinged with a knowledge not fully understood. There would be tough days ahead; challenges battles and fatigue. I would feel inadequate and lonely and angry and so very, very sad.

I breathed in his baby smells and felt his heart beat next to mine. There would be moments like this too. Moments so full of joy - it felt as if my heart would well to bursting. God would walk with me and guide me as I guide my little one. As I raise him up and teach him and nurture him and admonish him and love him. Then my joy and fear and trembling turned to thankfulness.

He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord. Psalm 113:9

As I start this writing project for my children I remember those early prayers. God knows my weaknesses and my faults and how much I struggle. It is with continued prayer that I ask that He would bless this project to His glory and the strengthening of faith to all those who read it. I remember the feelings I had when I first learned I was pregnant with our first child. I did feel barren. I was worried. I didn’t feel like good mother material. I hadn’t spent any time up to that point in my life thinking of being a mother. Being a keeper of home had been far from my personal goals and desires. But God placed those things on my heart and He gives the increase as He sees fit.

It is in that vein that I dedicate this writing project to my children.