A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it either.
----------End----------
Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.
They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckled, "Jesus saves"
----------End----------
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So .. what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said , "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the Stupid map again.
----------End----------
A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."
When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
----------End----------
The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
----------End----------
Two blondes, Lexie and Kate, come to a convenition to save endangered animals. Kate says, "Hi Lexie nice coat."
And Lexie replies, "Thanks it`s made from REAL FUR!"
----------End----------
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."
"OH NO!!!!," Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion??!"
----------End----------
These muffins are in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and says, "Hot enough for ya?"
The other muffin replies, "OH MY GOSH a talking muffin!!"
----------End----------
Are Computers Male or Female?
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
----------End----------
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie! I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".........
----------End----------
A blonde, brunette and a red head are walking.
Brunette: I think we're lost.
Red Head: Yeah.
Blonde: Look! An old house!
The girls go inside.
Red Head: Look, a bottle!
Brunette: Let's open it!
The Blonde opens the bottle. A genie appears.
Genie: You each get one wish.
Brunette: I wish I was home. (SHE'S TAKEN HOME)
Red Head: I wish I was home. (SHE IS TAKEN HOME)
Blonde: I wish my friends were here with me.
----------End----------
A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"
----------End----------
A blonde, brunette,and a red head all try out for a play. In a scene, an actor has to slap them so the man slaps the brunette on her right cheek so she turns her head to the left. Then he slaps the red head on her right cheek and she turns her head left. Then he slaps the blonde and she slaps him back and says " Man, Why Did you just slap me?"
And he says, "Because it was in the scene!"
And she says, "I don't care if the president told you to slap me you don't slap me or any other blonde"
And he says, "What other blondes? Your the last blonde on Earth."
And then she says "What do you mean?"
He says, " We're in a movie, fairytale, and a novel. How the heck did you not know that?"
She says, " Oh. Well if we're on TV then how did we get out of the TV?"
----------End----------
A Sergeant in the Nigerian army called out his battalion as they stood in line he started giving out the mail. He started, "Private John!"
"Yes Sir!," John answered as he stepped forward.
"Your Mother just had a heart attack. Take your letter and go back in line."
With tears in eyes, Private John went back in line."
"Private Peter!," he called out again."
"Yes sir.," answered the Private.
"Your brother was involved in an accident; he broke his legs and arms and died screaming out in pain like a baby."
Just then a General who was passing by called the Sergeant and told him to be more humane when he is distributing mails to the junior officers. The next morning he gathered the men as usual. He brought out the first letter, looked at it and did not know what to say because the General was watching this time. He finally said to his men, "If you know your father is alive move to the right."
As all the men were moving to the right.. He shouted, "Private Kingsley! Move to the left quickly!!!"
----------End----------
Homework Excuses
Last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally forgot!
My older sister couldn't find her same homework from last year.
The dog did it for me, but it was in his language.
The paper airplane I made out of it accidentally flew out the window.
I fell asleep on it and when I woke up all my drool smudged all the ink.
It is here it's just in invisible ink!
Mom told me not to do it!
I'm at school?!?!? I thought this was an AA meeting.
My dad's pen ran out of ink.
My Mom ate my homework!
----------End----------
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
