Nov. 19, 2008
prayerfully optimistic about today/tomorrow
Posted in Vents
I'm hoping to be able to talk to my friend soon since he's back from his trip -?? I still feel terrible about how I treated him a couple of weeks ago. I don't know if he's angry at me, given up on me or just has been too busy to get back to me? He tends to be very patient, not the big tempered kind (like me!  ). I was scared. I felt threatened. But he would never hurt me and I know that. I felt backed into a corner. How do I deal with this? Which way out? He was so like "in charge" after my confession to him that it scared me big time. He told me "I'll call you ___________" - not asked if this was a good time to call. Just gave me a time limit to tell my dh or we'll schedule a meeting with him. I felt like running - like to the Bronx where some friends live. Being shot by a gang member would've felt better than this. I'm not cheating on my dh but have been doing something wrong. I am doing a bit better about that...but I know I'm still very weak especially right now. I hope he forgives me and we can talk things over. And soon! My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. But I truly am sorry how I reacted and how nasty I got. He didn't deserve it. He's one of the nicest people I've ever met. And I really do admire him. He'll probably want to get together and talk with my husband and me - I'm open to it but still am very scared. I can't guarantee I'll do everything he thinks I should since I gotta get looking for a part time job. Things are really tough right now. But I'll talk and listen. I hope he listens too. I'm praying so much about this. I hate the not knowing in these things. I even had gone so far as to leaving a message on his cell last week but still, nothing. That's the only time I've ever called his cell and won't make a habit of it. My dh has all of next week off - he took vacation days so our schedule is very open, except for some homeschooling that needs to be done. That's flexible enough. I just want to do some reading with the girls and maybe a couple of math tests to get outta the way. And of course, Bible.  So we'll see if this meeting happens at all. I think sometimes because of my past abuse, when someone is nice to me, I react the opposite. Or I question their intentions. I struggle with trust, especially people in authority. But he's never given me a real reason not to trust him. I'm keeping this on "Everyone" so he can read this and get an idea how I'm feeling. But will close it once we've talked - if we do talk. I'm so nervous.  |
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