Sep. 14, 2008
another Sunday at home
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I did end up skipping church today as I thought I would. Honestly, I was kinda not sure if I wanted to go this week. Rabbit wasn't feeling well - she's had this cold and the other day had a nasty sore throat. I thought she was getting better. But her lips were beat red and so were her cheeks. I know it sounds funny, but that's a sure sign with her that she's sick. Besides the fact you could hear it in her voice. Kinda laryngitis-ish. The other day we got another invitation about joining the church. Those things kinda scare me away. In this church it's nice - they have a dinner, welcome you in front of the whole congregation (which isn't small!!) and I don't know if it's a requirement, but then you need to take a class. All that kinda makes me feel uncomfortable. Not the class so much, but the other two things. I have so many food allergies, and yeah I'm on a diet anyways. But I don't want to be imposing about all that or even insult them if I don't have much because of my allergies (or diet!). Standing up in front of the congregation? Well, let's just say I'd rather be in labor with quintuplets, no medication...  And no, I'm not gonna say I'd rather play golf. I could think of more things I'd rather do than golf!  I'm just so shy in crowds these daze..more like scared to death? My GERD acts up (which can be pretty loud!) and I get real quiet. (doesn't the GERD do enough talking??) Put me in a small group of people I do know and I'll talk their ears off. No happy medium with me, huh?  I like this church, there's a ton of great things about it. But I still got questions and some things I've talked about with my friend there always leaves me with more questions. My notebook is filling up fast!  I just don't know. *shrug* It's hard because on one hand, they're awesome to us, to say the least. OTOH, I'm so confused!!! Stuff about "journeys" and how I'm finding some are into evolution, something I oppose strongly on and can't understand where or why they'd believe in it. It's a more liberal denomination, but like I said they're awesome to us. The few people I do know there accepted me no matter what and I'm so like wow over that. And I do love them back even in spite of the areas I strongly agree on, really!  I know God is doing something here with me. I know He's teaching me something. I just gotta listen better.  Oh yeah, update on Mr. Chris: he seems to be doing alright lately. I know the prayers are making a difference. Yes, he still gets tired and cranky. Mr. PMS himself. But overall, I'd say he's doing pretty good. Tx again for all those prayers for him/us! (((hugs))) |
Sep. 7, 2008
Sunday
Posted in Church
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Now there's an original title. I'm like this with my poems, too. I could write them but beats me the title of it... A small update on Chris is at the bottom for those wondering. Just scroll down if you don't want to read all this. Okay. This morning starting the new Sunday School year for the girls. I feel very optimistic about this! Piglet's teacher happens to be her "boyfriends'" mom. Yeah she's got a boyfriend. They've been talking marriage. Mind you, she'll be 8 next month. Talk about kids growing up too fast. I did get to talking to her teacher about her issues, and said if there's any problems, etc. I'd be glad to help, whatever... She appreciated that. It seems like this is becoming standard for me to say to their teachers, but I do honestly mean it. Just part of the job as mom. Rabbit - I didn't get to meeting her teachers. I'll try for next week. Not as worried about her in there, but will still try to touch base with them anyway. The kids are still my responsibility and I want her teachers to know I'll be there if they need me for questions, etc. Today we had a lunch after church and I had a meeting for Rabbit's group. We went and got a snack (the corn muffins didn't work out so well), ran some errands and came back. I gave Pastor D is baby gift and something for the "big sister." He really liked it all. I made 2 bibs with little bunnies on them and got a cute outfit - it said "Little buckaroo" on it, which was perfect, since big daddy is from TX.  The big sis got some animal markers (they make animal sounds!), a doodle pad, and a bracelet I made outta pink glow in the dark yarn. P.D. loved it and thinks his daughter will too.... I did see his wife earlier but didn't actually meet her. I was tempted to give the stuff to her, but that would've been uncomfortable plus I had already arranged to give it to P.D. around lunchtime anyway. He's been awesome to me and my family, so I'm glad to have done this. Definitely worth my time (it wasn't too much!) and I'm glad I did. I felt like it would've been wrong if I didn't, knowing I could and had the resources. Besides, I wanted to!  Mr. Chris left with the kids early, leaving me among a crowd of people, most I didn't know. I felt uneasy about that. So I went to the building where the meeting was and ended up helping set up chairs for that. I talked to P.D. more - just baby stuff, homeschool, etc. He was glad for the help and so was G. Hey, I was available, I was where I was very uncomfortable, why not make myself useful? The meeting was good. G led that and we learned a lot about this group Rabbit's joining. For someone who's shy, you'd never know it today! I talked way too much. oops. I did share a sign language curriculum with a mom whose son has some hearing problems. I gave her my number too, since she mentioned food allergies and yeah I could relate. Ya think! (I'm allergic to meat, dairy, raw apples, peanuts..... should I really go on??) Maybe I could help her a little? I talked so much probably because I was around a few people I felt very comfortable with (there was just a few who showed up!). Sorry, G! I talked her ears off the most. *bang head* And btw, I found that my dh ended up staying at the church after all! He called my cell but I didn't hear it. I was already helping with the tables and chairs anyhow. Mr. Chris took the kids out and left me home so I can finish preparing for homeschool this week. I'm done! I thought I only had Bible to prepare, but then I also have sign language to prepare for. No big, just took a few minutes. The Bible lessons, a little longer. The character trait for this week: fairness. I could give a lecture a day. God help us. I could use one for myself anyway. Ever notice some lessons you need to teach are the ones you need to learn? That happened a lot when I was a PG leader. So much, that the other leaders would laugh when they saw the lesson I had to give. Okay if anyone's out there laughing, stop. j/k Update on Chris: he is feeling a bit tired today, but still took the kids out. Getting a little worried: he's getting run down a little faster, I think. And I complain about cramps. Makes you think doesn't it? I'm forever humbled in this house. If not, I got my city accent... |
Aug. 24, 2008
church today....
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It was really cool this morning. Their sanctuary is getting fixed up so now we're meeting in another room, where we usually have fellowship time and doubles as a gym (basketball! yeah!). Rabbit came with me while Chris went with Piglet for - I'm not sure what, I still need to ask him! I honestly thought Rabbit's new haircut would draw a lot of attention but it didn't. A few did compliment her on her new haircut, which was nice. But I think because even where we sat was so different, she didn't get to talk to too many people. I did feel a bit nervous, being in a different room, or why but I did. I'm still no good in crowds even though we've been going there a while. (what is wrong with me?? I know I don't have Asperger's!) But the sermon was good - our associate pastor is a woman which is really different to me personally.( Most of my background since becoming a Christian has been very Baptist or Baptist-like; except I do dance and I ain't gonna stop! lol). But this was the first time I heard her preach and she was awesome. I wish I had told her so. They're definitely making me think a lot differently on my former views of having a woman pastor - I think she's great, she's very nice to begin with. This church has shown my family more of what Jesus' love is really like than any place we've been lately, so I won't allow flames here over this issue. ETA: The praise band did a Larry Norman song! Oh, I was so happy. For a shy girl, I almost screamed. I wonder if Larry sang along from up there in Heaven with the angels? I had a neat talk with Pastor D after the service. He had said something about going away this week and I thought, "oh no we won't be able to talk." I know that sounds selfish on my part and I truly regret it especially after something he told me. Just some things about school, and the kids I was hoping to talk about and we will (thank you!). I wonder if the Holy Spirit led me to tell him this, but how I've suffered so many crazy things in my life. And he told me he's working a lot of hours, they're short-handed there and I really felt for him and the others at the church. Here I am, and I'm offering if there's anything I can do to help out (volunteer of course) behind the scenes. I'd be glad to. Any questions - anything I can look up online for him or the other pastors. I don't know if it was a dumb thing to offer; I just want to help, that's all. Eventually, I'll get more links for this blog as well. Just gotta get some things together in that way too. I'm not keeping my hopes up in helping, but want to make myself available in case I am needed in some way. I know I got a lot of issues and some days it's really hard. But things like this are good for me to work on. And I do pray for Pastor D, his family and the church overall. I still can't believe how much he's reached out to me and my family! When I was in labor with Piglet, I had a friend who was being induced at another hospital. There I was, 8 cm dilated, telling my dh, "L's being induced! We gotta pray for her!" My dh was like, "hullo! you're about to give birth and you're concerned about your friend??!!" I'll probably be praying for someone in need when I take my last breath. I'm self-distracting even in crazy situations, but at times it's about others and not me. Hey it's all cool, huh?  Or my blond roots that go down deep... lolJust like in church talking with Pastor D, I'm rambling again. Happy Sunday, everyone! God is good - all the time! |
Aug. 14, 2008
okay some good news
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I heard from G. Maybe we'll be able to work things out next week? I can stop crying now. Yeah. I feel a little bit relieved about it. I filled G in better about what's going on because she didn't understand. (that's okay!) Pastor D has been busy and wasn't able to get back to me (busy with the youth - and I know he ain't lying! - there was a lot going on). I realized today that I tend to get ready to fight when I feel hurt, instead of finding out exactly what's going on. It's like you want to fight back when you don't know what it is you're fighting about, but to protect yourself. True story: my uncle, back in the 60s, went to fight some guy who punched out a bartender. Well, the guy who he went after also had a knife. My uncle died in that battle. I didn't know him; I wasn't even born yet. The man only got 6 years in prison for killing my uncle. (or was that 7?) Okay so my situation isn't that serious. But I could end up in a situation like that if I don't watch myself. Not that I would go into a bar. I'm glad things are sorta looking up. Again, thank you my friends, a million for your prayers. You guys rock and I'm proud you are on my list of friends. (those of you who prayed that I don't know about, thank you too) |
Aug. 12, 2008
when I mess up, really mess things up!
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I'm in tears right now. I just - well I know how to make a mess. And I'm not talking my house. I got an email from Pastor D- and he wasn't too happy. He never intended to hurt me. He had been working with G all this time about helping our family at his church. I just didn't understand how they do things there. I didn't know. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I tried to call him - he said if I wanted contact further, to call. Well he was on the phone. Of course. But pastors are very busy people and no doubt most of their "pay" will be in Heaven. I wish I had a few diamonds for him and G right now... So I emailed him anyway and cc'd G. And I really poured my heart out and meant every word. It feels like forever since I left that message and so far no email back or phone call. Yet. I told them both I'd be willing to sit down with the both of them to work things out. And about how much I appreciate all they've done for us. I really meant it but now I can't even say if they believe me. Anyone out there reading this, please pray about this whole situation? |
Aug. 10, 2008
on Cloud 9
Posted in Church
I went to church today and I'm so glad I did. Okay it was a little frustrating with Rabbit with me. (my dh was with Piglet who can't be in the service - her adhd) And I couldn't get into the sermon - that's no offense to the head pastor. He's usually really great but you're not gonna get something out of every sermon. That's okay, really! And when I saw Pastor D, I got really nervous. I kept thinking of the corny things I said, etc. and "what does he think now" kinda stuff. But I tried to focus on the songs and worshipping God, which is what I should be doing anyway, in between asking Rabbit to "please stop" and "shhhh!" She has Asperger's and sometimes those behaviors come up when you least want it to.  So what part of the service made me glad I went? I took Rabbit out after the offering - the service was almost over. And we went into their "Starr Hall". I was looking for my dh and Piglet and ran into Pastor D. We had a great conversation. He says he does want to make a time so we can really talk. There are some things I struggle with that can't exactly be like brought up in public like that. I think if I could choose a big brother, it would be him. At least I think I would - it kinda felt like we've known each other a long time. Except the fact I'm pretty sure he's younger than me! rofl If he wants to turn 40 in my place next year, he's welcome to it! I just didn't feel like I was talking to someone in an authority-like position, kwim? (I could relate to the "brother" thing though, because of my own brother I'm not exactly speaking to, long story. My real brother is actually younger, but over 6 feet tall! )We talked about how God is always revealing to us something we need to work on. It doesn't have to be about abuse. It's just we all mess up and God is continually working on us, making us perfect. Pastor D reminded me that He will keep bringing up stuff and it's a good thing, that is until we make it to heaven. But for me, it's just the fact it's mostly from my past, my lousy childhood. It's like your shadow, it's always there and feels like it's always following me. Just when I think I have things figured out, a memory comes up I didn't know happened, or more questions about another tragic event from my childhood or teenage years. And I blame myself or I think "if only I had done this different, that wouldn't have happened."  I did remember something new this past week and it's been a struggle dealing with it. But I am excited and relieved that at least things aren't as I thought they were; hey tons better than what I thought. He did say he's excited to get to know me and my family and he's glad we're there at their church. ditto, dude!  My dh was so glad I went today too. It does help being there when the 2 can't sit through the service - and one that can, well gets a bit loud or asks questions... oops. (no I wasn't the one asking the questions - but did feel restless - lol)Okay, someone out there has been praying, whoever you are, thanks a million. And to think I almost didn't go again today but more over my fears! Guess you can say I'm kinda giddy with relief. After putting myself down all week, maybe that's not so bad? I'm off to have lunch now, and do a ton of other things before we get to doing some homeschooling this week. Maybe I'll make the Bible theme "thankfulness." I'm feeling that right now anyway, being so thankful to God! PTL! ETA: I chose "joy" as our theme instead. And the memory verse: Psalm 28:7. |
Aug. 8, 2008
church, kids, homeschool
Posted in Church
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I really appreciate those of you who are praying for me and my family. I'm really struggling right now and just am unsure how to handle things. I think I really messed up with my church. But it's me, not my dh, not the kids, not the church itself. I'm really lonely and it's a big church. I've gotten too shy being so isolated. So my dh is taking the kids to church on Sunday and I'm staying home. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of acting tongue-tied. I'm desperately lonely but feel like such a failure. I'm so embarrassed with everything I've said to Pastor D. Honestly, I don't remember meeting him before the shore trip but we had to have crossed paths here and there. Rabbit did go on a retreat that he was a part of in the winter so I'm sure we have. Just don't remember. I'm so used to churches being the "popularity contest" type or the kind where it's heirarchy - the pastors being so "above everyone else" type. It's not that way at this church. It's been a very long time since I've seen Christ's love so genuine. Yet with me, all I can see is all my failures. I'm not the typical homeschooler who can stand up to critics about "socializing." The kids are doing okay but not as good as others we know. I know I gotta get back into driving again but I'm a bit scared of that too. The minivan we have is actually in my name only not my dh's. And he's the one who drives it. He doesn't encourage or discourage me in this area. But with his blood disorder, I should use that as a motivator since he can't drive more than a half hour at a time. Rabbit will be going on the river rafting trip next week with our church. She's really psyched but I can tell she's a little nervous. I think she's keeping that to herself, though she doesn't need to be. I've done this sorta thing and it's really no big deal. I trust the leaders - and know they're well capable of taking good care of her and the other kids. I know there will be other adults there too. She's gonna have a blast and in some small way I envy her! This is her turn to shine, be a kid and have some fun. She needs it, she deserves it. I just hope she doesn't back out - but if she does feel scared, that she tells me and we can work this out together and pray together. We'll be starting light homeschooling on Monday. We'll continue to do Bible and also math. They're behind on their math books (still on their books they were working on) and I'd like them to catch up. Rabbit will have Thursday off for Math though, since she's got the rafting trip. I've tried looking for another homeschool support group but can't seem to find any. Major bummer. The girls want to join the church's kids' choir. We're all for that, though *good* singing doesn't exactly run in the family. lol I used to sing okay but am outta practice. This could be good for them though and maybe help their speech as well! Can't hurt anyway. |
Aug. 3, 2008
poison ivy
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What a crazy weekend! I got into poison ivy - twice! And I'm allergic to it. I have it on my face, my left arm and a little on my legs and back. ouch. or I should say: itch! I didn't go to church today. I didn't go because of my poison ivy, but also because I'm just very confused. I keep making an idiot of myself around Pastor D and feel so very embarrassed. I tend to do that around authority figures. Either way, my dh will continue to bring the kids out even if I just take a break for a month or 2, or longer? Rabbit went to a mission last week. She almost didn't because she was so scared. But I'm so very proud of her! She did great - it was ministering to preschoolers. Pastor D and G were there and they brought her home. (ftr, those 2 aren't married, but work together at our church) They were glowing with pride about how Rabbit did at the preschool! I've heard little things here and there since about how it went. Most likely, her friends at GG4G know more than I do. The most important thing is, she had a great time and her leaders said she was really, really good. I hugged Pastor D and G twice before they left and it was a hot day! I really do admire these 2 and appreciate all they've done for us and our family. But still, my doubts, I'm still unsure of myself and need some time. I also need some time to learn more about the Methodist denomination. There are some things that I don't understand and need to ask questions. My face is so itchy today - of all places to have poison ivy! It's red, too, even with the special soap (Burt's Bees poison ivy soap) that I have dried on my face, it's still red. |
Jul. 27, 2008
VBS week is over!
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Don't even ask how I survived. I was a nervous wreck every morning. I'm normally isolated because of the kids and homeschooling and being outta practice from driving. If you're very shy and you need to lose weight like I do, volunteer for VBS. What a kickstart to my diet! I'm still not eating well. What do I do when I'm this nervous? Dance like crazy. And Switchfoot's music. Sometimes the church had their songs playing when I got there, before VBS started. It didn't take out all the knots but definitely helped. They don't know how it helped. At least I was able to eat a little. Call it the VBS diet. Lose 10 lbs in a week! rofl I did talk to Pastor D. Gotta say he's very cool. He's originally from TX. And one thing I know about Texans, and 10 gallon hats off to 'em because Texans are very friendly. (I know, there's a nut in every crowd but overall, they're pretty cool) I visited there back in '96 so I'm saying from real first-hand experience. He's fine about what I shared about myself with him. And as much as I still try to avoid him, he keeps finding me and puts his arm around me! yikes! He knows I struggle with authority figures and I think he's trying to help me to trust him. I'm just not used to this. I really do see Christ in this guy. I'm rambling a bit. Okay, so about VBS. Awesome week. I was in the crafts station. What a whirlwind. It's an important job, with the tie-dying (okay fabric spray), and all. And the kids were awesome. Sometimes very funny, sometimes little stinkers (my own kids included) but worth every second of my time with them. We did sun catchers, we did the t-shirts, we did antenna headbands (and us volunteers had a little fun decorating ourselves with the shimmery pipecleaners!), We did origami Bible things (like fortune tellers but with a Christian twist). Lotsa work but lotsa fun. And again, pastor D did the music - opening and closing, which was so much fun. Rabbit's friend's mom led us with the dance motions (choreographing) and she was awesome as well. Piglet ended up joining her with other kids with the dances by Wednesday, even for Family Fun Night. I had fun with the dancing too. If I weren't a volunteer I wouldn't have done it. I wanted to like be an example for the kids, like if any were shy. (like I was ready to run out!) This way they can relax. It's not all about me - I was there to glorify God and to serve them too. That explains the lack of eating and double knots in my stomach. I know somewhere in the Bible it talks about someone who refrains from eating but still glorifies God. Mine was outta nerves but outta nerves while serving Him. Does that count? But unfortunately, my kids ended up getting sick by Friday. They made it through Friday, but Rabbit was too sick for the Pizza Party. I wish I could've gone - though I can't have the pizza (dairy allergies). And I couldn't even help with taking down some of the decorations. I did apologize to the lady in charge of VBS but she said no problem. They had a lot of volunteers. Praise God. So glad they didn't mind my not staying. I wanted to avoid Pastor D and the head pastor while going out but I couldn't. My dh was out there so I had to go out that way.. And again I apologized about not staying (accidently left my lunch in their fridge! oops). And Pastor D did the funniest thing: He saw my name tag on my shirt. I haven't said my dh's name on this blog. It's Chris. And I'm Christine. But I wrote "Chris T_____" on my nametag and it got him just a wee bit confused. He was probably thinking I had written my dh's name on my nametag and couldn't understand why! But then he said he's so "slow at these things." It must be a Southern thing? (no offense to you Southerners out there - you know I love ya's) And then he apologized!? He finally made the connection about us being Chris and Chris.Oh that was so funny. It's really almost like having a twin when you're married to someone with a similar name. Even Piglet has gotten us mixed up and once made up one of those "book about me" things - she made one for my dh and it said "Mr. Christine", not under- standing his name is really Christopher. We get the confusion a lot, but sometimes we come across someone who's mixed up in a real funny way. I actually prefer to be called "Chris" but what do you do when, your dh does too? I regret the fact we missed VBS Sunday. Even though the girls are sick, they're starting to get better. I didn't want to chance it. OTOH, I don't get to be embarrassed in church because no doubt they'll be clapping again for us volunteers. Nah, I didn't do it for that and I don't want everyone to stare at me. My shyness again. The church's schedule is changing for about a month or so, so I don't know if we'll be there for a few weeks. Rabbit will hopefully be going with a group of kids this week to a mission for the day. She should be well enough to go and I know she needs this. We'll see what we end up doing. We're not leaving the church but may need to break. My kids don't normally do well in the service. Something to pray about. That's all for now. PS: thanks to my friends and your sweet comments on my blog here. sorry I haven't gotten back to you! God bless! |
Jul. 14, 2008
Thoughts on the Methodist Church we're going to
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Last week we went down the shore with our church. We've been going to a Methodist Church since December. We've had a lot of problems with other churches - with how they treat our kids or one time it was due to the fact there weren't any kids my kids' ages. My dh kept saying to think "outside of the box." And this Methodist church that's really big in our area came to mind, so we decided to try it out. I gotta admit, I don't know a whole lot about this denomination. So forgive me for my lack of knowledge and I am trying to sort my way through. We do like it there. They're very nice, they're great with the kids, very accepting of them. I don't doubt at all the fact they are a Christian church. The pastor preaches from the Bible and I do get a lot out of his sermons. He's not long-winded and keeps you focused on his message. He's very friendly too - even with newcomers. Considering the fact it's such a huge church, he still notices when someone new comes in. We went down the shore last week - it was a trip for the 4th and 5th graders (kids who are going into those grades) and their families. Rabbit rode with the children's ministry director; she had a carfull of girls her age. I think Rabbit really needed the break from us, her family and we understood. She had a great time in the car with them. (though I'm told she was very quiet, that's fine) We drove with another pastor, I'll call him Pastor D. We asked him questions, got to know him and vice versa. I liked what he had to say about being concerned about someone's "walk with Christ." He says he's not concerned with all the how you got saved, as much as the commitment to Jesus. I did admit I'm unsure about how I feel about their hiring a woman associate pastor, but it's not as big a concern for us. We need to look at the church as a whole, not get nit-picky about it. This new pastor, her daughter came to the shore as well and was a funny kid! The new pastor is very nice. I go back and forth about that issue. Pastor D told us he does believe there is a small amount of members who go there not out of commitment to Christ, but because they were raised in the Methodist church. Something you just do, almost mindlessly. I'm sure there are people like that in every denomination. Overall, we're happy with this church. But I have some questions. We are helping out with VBS for next week. I am painting these cardboard cylinders, which are to look like batteries. (the name of the VBS is Powerlab) The girls have helped paint too. My dh will type the lettering on them. I just see the children's ministry director looking tired and feel compelled to helping out and make the load easier. VBS is a lot of hard work but it's fun and worth every minute, from the preparation, to the week-long VBS, to the cleanup for every child that comes in there. I will also be helping with the craft station. I think by doing this, I can get to know the people there and more about this church, the denomination, etc. I can't say we can even commit to becoming a member here until we know what we're doing - are we staying in our area? Are we moving on? Where are we moving to? Like I posted before, I'm pretty confused and getting frustrated. But I still think this is a good experience for us at this denomination either way. The girls need a safe place they can go and learn about Christ. I need friends. My dh needs a place to worship too. And for all I know it could be 5 years until we do move anyway.Just wanted to add, this was in no way meant to put down the Methodist church. It's very different from what I'm used to. And I get worried about the fact there are many who look at them as a "liberal" denomination, especially when I consider myself more conservative. Yet I'm not as conservative as many in the Church as a whole (I mean The Church, of born again believers). I'm more conservative as far as family values. I do dance, I love Christian rock/metal.. but I don't drink and try to be careful about what tv shows I let my kids watch, etc. kwim? |