Nov. 19, 2008
prayerfully optimistic about today/tomorrow
Posted in Vents
I'm hoping to be able to talk to my friend soon since he's back from his trip -?? I still feel terrible about how I treated him a couple of weeks ago. I don't know if he's angry at me, given up on me or just has been too busy to get back to me? He tends to be very patient, not the big tempered kind (like me!  ). I was scared. I felt threatened. But he would never hurt me and I know that. I felt backed into a corner. How do I deal with this? Which way out? He was so like "in charge" after my confession to him that it scared me big time. He told me "I'll call you ___________" - not asked if this was a good time to call. Just gave me a time limit to tell my dh or we'll schedule a meeting with him. I felt like running - like to the Bronx where some friends live. Being shot by a gang member would've felt better than this. I'm not cheating on my dh but have been doing something wrong. I am doing a bit better about that...but I know I'm still very weak especially right now. I hope he forgives me and we can talk things over. And soon! My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. But I truly am sorry how I reacted and how nasty I got. He didn't deserve it. He's one of the nicest people I've ever met. And I really do admire him. He'll probably want to get together and talk with my husband and me - I'm open to it but still am very scared. I can't guarantee I'll do everything he thinks I should since I gotta get looking for a part time job. Things are really tough right now. But I'll talk and listen. I hope he listens too. I'm praying so much about this. I hate the not knowing in these things. I even had gone so far as to leaving a message on his cell last week but still, nothing. That's the only time I've ever called his cell and won't make a habit of it. My dh has all of next week off - he took vacation days so our schedule is very open, except for some homeschooling that needs to be done. That's flexible enough. I just want to do some reading with the girls and maybe a couple of math tests to get outta the way. And of course, Bible.  So we'll see if this meeting happens at all. I think sometimes because of my past abuse, when someone is nice to me, I react the opposite. Or I question their intentions. I struggle with trust, especially people in authority. But he's never given me a real reason not to trust him. I'm keeping this on "Everyone" so he can read this and get an idea how I'm feeling. But will close it once we've talked - if we do talk. I'm so nervous.  |
Nov. 18, 2008
so tired and annoyed
Posted in Vents
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This is a vent. I'm so tired of how the kids treat me these days. Now it's the younger one, the one I call Piglet on here. She's got ADHD Combined, IOW, the severest form of ADHD according to the doctor. To me, it's a mixed blessing and a curse. She gets so violent and so hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do anymore. She's very disrespectful. She even hit me at church last night. We were at choir practice. (I don't sing, the kids do) When she had her choir practice, it was a very hard night and I felt bad for her leader. But I did appreciate how she and the rest of the kids in her group handled it, that's for sure. They came up with some ideas what to do when you feel bad. Piglet had wanted to tell her leader, Mrs. R, something but thought she didn't hear her. So Piglet screamed. There's a rule you're not allowed to scream, but raise your hand if there's something you want to say. And if you don't obey, you need to leave the room. ITU and respect that rule. Piglet nearly made Mrs. R cry. Mrs. R is really trying to figure out how to deal with her and her problems there. And I am too here at home. I am so beside myself in all this. I know the youth pastor has tried to help too and I do remind her of what he's said... she has a crush on him and I let her know he won't be happy when he hears about how she's behaving. She says at choir, she's not screaming, but "steaming." She was screaming, whether she's steamed or not. I'm so tired. And I'm tired of my dh stepping in at times when they really need to respect me as a mom. They don't. I do get very upset and I think that's why my dh steps in but I really think it would be helpful if he stood by me in agreement than "taking over" the situation. He's got a rare blood disorder - he could die from it. And if he does while they're still kids well then I'll have to deal with them alone. I know I sound selfish, but how will they respond to me once he's not around? Or just when he's out now, in general? Like when he's at work or something. We need to get a handle on this now. I'm tired of them talking back at me. I'm tired of being hit, kicked, etc and they complain they're being punished so much. Well, duh. I'm at a loss. But I love them and want to keep homeschooling.  |
Sep. 2, 2008
Labor day and var. thoughts
Posted in Vents
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We went to a picnic at a church that's nearby yesterday. It was fun - I ran into some old friends that I see from year to year. The group from the city came. The area we go to is right at the lake, where sometimes they will do baptisms, etc. Pretty cool. I ran into my buddy from the city. We go way back over 10 years. I'm sure longer but don't remember how long. We play catch up every year on Memorial day and Labor day when we see each other. It's neat to see her - especially this time since the last time the doctors weren't sure how long she had to live. Now they're saying, it looks like she'll be just fine. She has health issues that could complicate things but nothing fatal at this point. (Praise the Lord!) But we got to talking and I told her what's going on with my dh and she says that she's glad to see I can laugh, etc. with all I'm struggling with. And she'll be praying. Plus another thing: I'm thinking of going out to the city to visit her! I miss that area so much though I've only visited her once. And she forgot to lock the door one of the nights I was there! rofl If I could say the name of the area, it would be a surprise. Not exactly safe. But very cool area, IMO. Their church is right down the road too. It's awesome. Chris spent the day sitting in the shade talking with friends (the heat bothers him with his disease). The kids were good overall. Piglet had a meltdown when it came time to leave. Rabbit got a sunburn on the back of her neck. I got a sunburn on my face (but mine doesn't hurt like Rabbit's does!). So it was a good time and I'm glad and thankful for it. Now it's Tuesday and back to the daily grind. I lost my patience with Piglet again. She keeps making up excuses for misbehaving and I just don't buy it. She needs to see there are consequences. I struggle between grace and wanting to teach them a lesson. With her ADHD, it makes it much harder because she does try to get away with a lot then has a meltdown, etc. when she gets punished, etc. I'm just so lonely and really feel the lack of support IRL. I really do appreciate those here and IRL who do pray, who can't do much else because of their busy lives, etc. Sometimes I do need someone with "skin" on though and it's so hard. I hate the line, "God never gives you more than you can handle." How can I handle all I'm dealing with right now? I feel so alone in this house with everyone having their issues. I'm trying, really but honestly, many times I don't know how. With my dh it's easy: let him get his rest and do what he asks (when he asks!). Some say I'm a good mom, but I don't see that either. If those people were a fly on the wall, I wouldn't doubt their opinion of me would change. Even one of my friends called me a little "rock" in this family. I told that person I'm more like clay, but did appreciate the compliment. I just wish an angel could come, someone who could tell me exactly what I should do, show me how, without getting all preachy or all like "you're doing everything wrong." If you've gotten this far, thanks for listening. Again, thank you to those who are praying for me and my family. I do appreciate it, really. ((hugs)) |
Aug. 28, 2008
losing my cool :-(
Posted in Vents
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I really messed up today. I won't go into too much details. Piglet was really bratty. Rabbit was into her obsession, trying to get her way about that show I won't let her watch. I just lost it big time. And I regret it. My dh took the kids out for a bit. They went to the library and then to the grocery store. Fortunately this was his week for the phlebotomy so he was well enough to do this without me.  Piglet locked me outside. I was checking the mail and I was angry at her because she wouldn't do something as simple as put her work in her binder. She absolutely refused. I needed an excuse to walk outside so I checked the mail. Come back to the front door to find it's locked.  The neighbors had to have heard me yelling. And she wasn't allowed to play outside for today because of that. Rabbit - well she asked me if she could watch that show she always talks about. Which one? Suite Life of Zack and Cody? "No, the other one." You're not watching Wizards of Waverly Place. Everytime it's a "why?" And I tell her, because they are wizards, they do witchcraft, the Bible is clear it's wrong and I won't have it in my house. And the wizards are shown as "good guys" - not like say, Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. If it's clearly on the "wrong side" that's okay to me. kwim? She knows this but still questions me. And she goes off very obsessed about it. She gets sent to her room a lot. I'm so tired of hearing it. Maybe I'm just burning out again and need a good ladies' night out with a friend. "L" are you reading this??  Oh I can't wait for that next phone call with my pastor friend next week. I wonder what he'd say about this? |
Aug. 13, 2008
I guess this is it
Posted in Vents
I did what I can with the problem I'm having at my church. Still so far I haven't heard from either of the 2, but I did try. Finally had something to eat around noon - the first time eating since yesterday morning. I couldn't eat, my stomach was in knots and all my crying. I'm still pretty sad. I know I blew it but I think Pastor D made some mistakes here too. If only he'd told me what he was doing but he even assured me what I told him was gonna be kept confidential. I just assumed that included emails. Guess he didn't mention that didn't count. I don't know. I wish we could talk this out so we could get a better understanding of each other's sides. Even if one of them sent just a note to say they'll be getting back to me soon - don't worry (if I shouldn't) or whatever.  I'm tired of being hurt like this. I need a break from church in general. I'm pretty shy to begin with. I'm just tired of it all. I love the Lord, I want to stay with Him. Maybe should we relocate things will get better and I'll find a church to belong to. My dh and kids will continue to go to that church though. The kids need it and they love it there. I'm in a very tough position and yeah I could blame myself. But like I said, he could've done things a little differently too. I'm just venting - if you're reading this, thanks for listening. And thanks to my friends out there who have been praying.  |
Aug. 12, 2008
no response yet
Posted in Vents
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Its been a long day. I'm still crying. Dh and the kids are out on errands, etc. I can't do much more than cry. Please, one of you two, give me a call! It's safer to write it here than to send them another email or call them. And a watched phone never rings, right? 8/13. no news is good news. I haven't heard from either of them. I just don't get it. Pastor D said he wouldn't tell anyone what I say to him and yet he did break confidence. I want to know why - I want to understand better about what he and G have been doing. I'm so upset still. And I feel awful for hurting him too! |
Jul. 16, 2008
is this a lot to handle, or is it just me?
Posted in Vents
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I'm just looking at my situation today and feel kinda overloaded. Not to the point where I'm like, overwhelmed, but feeling like, wow this really is something I gotta deal with. My family and all the "special needs," the disorders, the issues. I get like, wow, this is a lot on me, huh? My dh: he has a rare blood disorder. I don't think the kids really do understand. They're young, but not what I call "little." And they do love their daddy. Or as Rabbit will correct me, "dad." They adore him actually. But they don't or maybe can't, see the seriousness of it. Sometimes I can't either. He gets sleepy easily. He gets tired easily I should say. And he has fallen asleep outside when he's supposed to be keeping an eye on Piglet! As I'm typing this, yeah he's outside, so I should go back and forth to keep watch. He could fall asleep. No joke. I get frustrated and lonely because of this. Sometimes I can't talk to him. He gets defensive. He doesn't take constructive criticism very well and goes on the defense. Even if it's not disorder-related stuff. At least, I don't think? The doctors admit they don't know a lot about this disease which that alone scares me. Will I wake up some day and find myself as a single mom? That really freaks me out. Rabbit. She has Asperger's. She takes things literally. Sometimes too harsh as well. Like if I tell her no about say, having some cookies, she'll freak and accuse me of not loving her. Huh? Me, not love her? Or her temper can be hard to deal with. She'll hurt her sister just for annoying her. Her sister always annoys her even if it's not on purpose. (like if Piglet is singing a Veggietales song, it annoys her, she takes it way too personally) But Rabbit is so smart, so incredibly intelligent. She can correct a college professor on history. She's blown me away. She loves history and geography. Heck, in the beginning of first grade she decided to learn the state abbreviations. Just because. And she learned them well. And her talking! Ooohhh.. that's constant. 8 pm it's close the chatterbox, throw away the key at least for the night, please! But I do love her very much. She loves Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers, which I think both are pretty much okay. I enjoy them with her. And she loves Christian rock (Switchfoot) which is also really cool. She's a great kid and I don't doubt that. I know some day I'll miss her childhood. I miss her babyhood now! It goes too fast. Piglet. Oh boy. She's a handful. ADHD Combined. Combined with what? Insanity? Some days I think so. And I wonder. It actually means she has the whole thing: The attention "deficit," the hyperactivity, full blown. She's a she-Taz in a pink skirt. She is also very strong willed. She tries to "dodge" her punishments. She gets very violent in her meltdowns. I can't say how many times I've gotten pretty physically hurt by her. And then she doesn't seem to understand why she loses her computer time, library activities, etc. OTOH, she's gentle as a bunny around babies and toddlers. She adores them and the feeling is usually mutual. A baby's face lights up when he/she sees her, and her face lights up as well. It's always love at first sight between her and a baby or toddler. Or anyone who happens to be smaller than her. And people tell me I must be so blessed to have her. Oh yeah, sometimes blessed, sometimes well, the opposite. To think she was such a calm baby. A good sleeper too. But with all that, she loves to dance and sing. She also loves Hannah Montana and enjoys Christian rock. We both dance together sometimes. It's a lot of fun. She doesn't mind the heat, which I hear is going to be unbearable for the next week or so, but that also is a strength. Just get her outside, no matter how hot or cold and she's happy. Okay my turn, my "special needs." I have: allergies - milks (dairy), meats of all kinds, peanuts and food colorings, and of course spring/fall allergies, molds, dust, and dogs flat feet tmj sacroilliac joint dysfunction (which I'm doing my p/t exercises every day) 60-70 lbs overweight - trying to lose with my p/t exercises and lifting easy weights - I want to do aerobics but that can affect my joint dysfunction a hole in my tooth - a few teeth that need to be taken care of but we don't have the money (dh wants me to call a dentist anyway) And ADD. I'm highly distractible myself. I've left the milk out, the butter, leftovers... and yeah I've burned dinner and too many close calls.. To top it all off, yeah I do homeschool and am considering going back to school maybe part time myself. I need skills to do something. I'd like stay at home job, but am unsure about doing MT work, which would be a good sahj. I'm afraid about my dh, and would like to continue to homeschool the girls if for some reason, I do become a single mom.. Yes, can you tell, I'm worried about that. I get scared. He does go for phlebotomies, but that's all the doctors could do for him right now. At least as far as we can tell. We want to relocate, but am unsure where at the moment, or if we really should. We just don't know what we should do right now and need to pray more. *********************************************************************** So is all this a lot for one person to handle? Am I crazy for wanting to go back to school? I do see a counselor, who btw is on vacation. I'll see her next week. I do lack a hs support group, outside support besides the counseling.. Should I seek out more? I do post on a SB board that's fairly quiet in the special needs area, but the ladies are nice. It's not a place I get much "support" but do get a good laugh or smile from there. If you've read this far, thanks. I'd really appreciate some prayers. Thanks and God bless! |
Jul. 14, 2008
a little frustrated, a little confused
Posted in Vents
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My dh isn't so sure of WI, as far as where to go to now. I'm encouraging him to still try for the school he wants to go to. I understand his confusion, etc. He does have a rare blood disorder. I've been looking into stay at home job kinda stuff. I've seriously considered becoming a medical transcriptionist, but after looking into the schooling, I'm not so sure if I can do this. It seems really hard and I'm not exactly the brightest. OTOH, I am a homeschooler and that has to tell you something: like a willingness to learn, etc. So this really needs some serious prayer. I need good skills, in case I gotta go back to the workforce. There is that chance, with dh's health, being as it is. His feet are always swollen and sometimes I wonder if he's getting the right medical care for what he has. So now we're back into looking at more options. We haven't put WI totally out of the picture. And we've also looked at job openings at Christian colleges. I just wish we had a clear direction and actually knew what we're doing - as far as if we're going to move, what state, and what we'll be doing when we get there. Does that seem like a lot to ask for? Or even, should we relocate? It's very expensive in the state we live in now. (living in a "state of confusion" isn't helping!!!) One thing I'm certain of is that fact we're homeschooling for another year. But finances, etc. are very uncertain. And things are starting to fall on me - should I go back to work part time while homeschooling the girls? Or should I take online courses to get skills for something better? And what about my back problems? If anyone out there is reading this, I really do appreciate your prayers right now. Suggestions, thoughts, etc are always welcome. God bless! |