cought in between a false front and an imaginary happiness. i cant feel my legs, and i dont know wich direction i am looking, but the feeling is always the same. always awake, always tired, always half-alive.
i heard what you said, but i diddnt let it sink in, i cant let it show, i wont let it get to me. this is my mourning process that no one will ever know about. if i break down, the world will fall apart.
its foggy, i cant tell if its polution or the tears that refuse to vacate my eyes. the world smells of rotten, and old play doh. surrounded my my barrier of empty bottles and hollow words. in every tragedy, someone must keep their composure, stay calm. but i dont understand why it always has to be me. im not strong enough for myself, or anybody else. so why does it always have to be me.
i keep my shell, but i fall apart where no one could see. i cry, i scream, i curse, i self destruct, and then i shut down. all in one moment, all in my head.
i know i must seem cold, emotionless, without heart. but its not true. i lied, i have decieved, my plan to fool you all has never fooled myself. this act i hold so dear cannot be kept. i want to pray, but i dont know what to pray about. my head is clouded with the very essence of absolute nothing, and terror. im not alone, but it feels like no ones here. no ones talking, but everyone has something to say. im to young for this. i cant handle myself.
i cant do anything but write this. oh and how sad, this used to be a song. walk away. dont let it get to you.
i hate watching movies with my dad.
it is in fact, a bad experience for everybody.
i was trying to watch this movie called 'the protector' with him one night. it was fairly late, and watching anything except the back of my eye lids was a big stretch anyways.
this movie is supposed to have subtitles right? well, my dad doesnt read them fast enough, so he throws a fit and decides he wants the english dubbing, which sounds so obnoxious and stupid.
but then he messes up, and makes it so that only the menu is in english, gets frustrated, throws the remote.
after many minutes of being pissed he eventually picks up the remote and tries again.
it goes on like this for about a half an hour, with a series of skipping scenes and accidental restarting. i believe at one point it was in japanese with french subtitles. it honestly made me want to bleed profucley from my pores.
eventually i made him give me the remote. needless to say i got it how we wanted it in a matter of minutes. we started watching the movie and he decideds hes tired and wants to go to bed, but i can continue watching 'if i want'.
screw that!! this movie is already ruined for me!! im going to bed too so that maybe i can get over the fact that i am surounded by stupid people that i unfortunatly love!
im never watching movies again.
so, i have this baby. it is loud, and unbearably annoying. it is also increadably plastic.
i dont know how this happened. i dont remember being pregnant.
we have come to the conclusion that i pulled a Mary, except instead of giving birth to jesus, i gave birth to a really ugly plastic asian baby.
we have also decided that it has diabetes, a mild form of autism, and was born without eyelids.
i cannot deny that i have often fantasized about beating its head against the wall. but i have a feeling that if i did that, not only would i fail my parenting class, but i would also be banned from being a parent.
but you have to understand, this baby is scary. it stairs at you, and i sometimes hear it breath and that is not supposed to happen. i think satan is going to speak to me through it, or just make it bite my arm off or something. i cant be alone with it. because of this traumatizing experience, i have vowed to never have children. but my vows to myself are rarley kept, so we'll see.
Walk into a gas station. Saw your car parked next to mine, but I wouldn't know until later.
Eye contact, smile is only natural, and break it. Until i notice you smiling back.
I don't know you, but you exist, and now in my mind, for the time inhabit my thoughts, infect my mind.
Reconnect, now our smile sincere, a general love, mainly for existing. And it still hasn't broken, though you are miles away, and out of my life forever.
I heard you laugh with the cashier, I saw you smile and wave to me as you drove away. But what were you thinking about?
You don't know who I am, but I will forever be your friend.
But what if we'd met? Could we have stayed that way?
If I had taken a moment to say "hi, my name is Beth", would we have continued to stay in our state of unconditional friendship?
Images of a life that won't be, flashing through my mind, memories of the future that I know can't be right. Of movies and laughter, and children, and eventually growing old, and dying. None of this will happen, because I didn't spare you one moment, and one breath.
I miss you friend, though we never actually were. I love you friend, with the most love that I can ever give to someone I could never meet. I care for you, and pray for you friend, for your safety and prosperity in life. I hope for you, friend, that you will follow Gods plan, and trust him every step. And I will you friend, love and joy, and everything you could ever have in the world.
Except for me.
Someone asked me a while ago to think about things that I was wasteful with.
Generally, I wouldn’t. Think about it I mean. But I did anyways, and as hard as I tried I couldn’t think of anything very important to decided to use less of. My showers only last twenty minutes tops, and I cant make that shorter cause Its just the essentials as it is. I always turn lights off when I leave a room. I probably eat more food than I need to, but I’m already working on that!
But peppermints….
I LOVE peppermints. They taste wonderful, and they make your mouth smell like happiness. What could be better!
But alas, that’s the thing I’m wasteful with!
At restaurants, when they have them in the little jars, I take as many as I can while the waitress isn’t looking.
I always carry a few of them around with me.
One time my blood sugar was low in the middle of the night, and I had a MASSIVE craving for peppermint (low blood sugar cravings are like pregnancy cravings only sometimes worse) and I just dug through all of the cupboards in the kitchen, and took EVERYTHING out, until I found a Tupperware bowl full of crushed candy cane that we used last winter to make candy things. “At last!” I thought to myself “my love has come back to me!”
I didn’t even bother getting a spoon. I just sat on the kitchen floor at three in the morning in my pajamas digging my hands in a Tupperware of powdery minty goodness.
God, please help me to not be wasteful with peppermints. Amen.
My friend the potato
Dances crazily while every ones watching
Like no ones even around
Because he doesn’t care what they think anyways
He is always smiling
Always fun
Always ready to make someone’s day
Just that much better
My friend the potato
A little dirty
And a little lumpy
But white and tasty on the inside
With lovely blue eyes
That don’t know how to cry
But it’s alright
He’s too busy laughing anyways
My friend the potato
Modest and caring
Tells me I’m funny and interesting
Even when I’m just rambling about nothing
Tells me I’m beautiful
Just because he knows
Pushes me in the snow
And races me outside
My friend the potato
With human facies
With silhouettes reflecting off his mind
Taking all in stride
Believes in wishing on stars
And that love is all you need
Who truly believes that prayer changes things
My friend the potato
Wears his heart on his sleeve
Its bruised and broken
But he doesn’t notice
He’s the boogers in my nose
And I’m the scum between his toes
But he’s the one I love the most
And I’m the one he chose
And listening to it REALLY confused me.
Cause really, they’ve been making us say it since kindergarten right? So, it’s a pledge of allegiance. Shouldn’t we only have to say it once and still have it be just as true, rather than have it be said every day for the rest of our public school lives?
And also, “I pledge allegiance to the FLAG…?!” why are we pledging our allegiance to a flag in stead of the actual
The Spanish word for flag is Bandera… That’s what Antonio Banderas’ last name means. So are we going to start pledging our allegiance to him now? I can just hear it. Ringing from every classroom in the country; “ I pledge allegiance to Antonio Banderas of the
I think that we really for serious need to paint our walls. My dad put a giant rectangular hole in the wall and I just don’t even know why. Maybe just cause I wasn’t there for it. I sometimes wonder if all this typing I do will give me carpel tunnel… I doubt it though. Also I wonder if people who are too big to fit into normal seatbelts get like extensions or something, or if by that time they’re just too big to drive…
I one time went to smile at someone as they were walking past me in the grocery store and I accidentally only flared my nostrils instead… I once went to the dentist and got some fillings so like… Half of my face was numb and so I could only flare one of my nostrils. It was SO weird. It was like I had a stroke or something.
Trains and sewing machines….
I was really excited that I got a juicer, but then I never even us it anymore.
When you sit on a love seat, do you really have to love the one you’re sitting with, or can you just like them or maybe even secretly hate them a little? I don’t know. I don’t sit next to people I don’t like generally.
Mariah is pregnant. With a baby. Who is also a boy baby. His name will be Thorin Elliot Bliss, which is like a warrior name or something.
My warrior name is
I miss July. It’s just a really good month.
Maybe we’ll have one again soon. Like five months. Or slightly less.
Oh well. Its over.
You should be nice to all people; even creeps.
And if you:
a) Believe that Jesus is the son of God (and)
b) He had come to save you from sin(and)
c) Acknowledged the holy spirit within you (become as a little child, he would say)(and)
d) Dont blaspheme the holy ghost (see c)
Then you would:
e) Live forever
f) Someplace nice
g) Probably heavan
However if you:
h) Sinned (and/ or)
I) Were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) Valued things over people (and)
k) Didnt do a, b, c, and d
Then you were
L) Screwed
- Lamb: The Gospel according to Biff
So I snuck into the teachers lounge today. Mostly for water, but also a little bit for the thrill.
I was a bit on the ketoacidic side, and as we know from previous blogs this makes one very dehydrated.
Lets see, steal bottled water from the teachers lounge (which is highly get away with-able, because of my Lisa factor) or drink disgusting, unclean water from the fountain, which no one knows what unholy matrimonies people have preformed in that thing?
I choose life.
So I shimmy down the hallway (as quietly as one can while shimmying, cause were sneaking remember?) and incognito my way through both doors, and enter the lounge.
I get about two feet in, and hear someone coming out of the bathroom! So I dive underneath the table an arm myself with a plastic spoon, and watch the feet of my predator.
I had two choices, jump out and attack this unsuspecting lady with what little weapon I had, and face a stern talking to as soon as I was beaten to the ground, or I could hide under the table like the little girl I am and wait for her to leave.
And then, I realized that it was just Markay and came out of hiding.
Because she doesn't really care what I do.
She did however laugh at me a little, which is acceptable, I think.
I've been tagged by TwoFriends so................
A. 4 places I go over and over.
1. Bathroom
2. Acacias house
3. Couch
4. School
B. 4 people who email me regualry
1. Acacia
2.Jacob
3.FableBoy something or other
4. Jordan
C. 4 of my favorit foods
1. Noodles
2. Pizza
3. Pot Stickers
4. Shrimp
D.4 people I think will respond
1.Acacia
2. Jacob
3. Andy walker
4. And maybe someone I dont even know
E. 4 movies I watch over and over
1. Donnie Darko
2. Beauty and the beast
3. Howls moving castle
4. The little mermaid. Not the stupid disney one but the one where she kills herself at the end
F. 4 places I have lived
1. Carson
2. Stevonson, WA
3. North Bonneville
4. And a different place in stevenson
G. 4 TV shows I like to watch
1. Battlestar Galactica
2. CSI
3. Scrubs
4. The office
I've decided to tag, TrojanDeathStar, Peterpanda35542, Spartin117, Cylonofpeace,and SmilyGirl95.
Broken, broken! A silhouette of dogs and boys playing tag around my hair.
Words and sounds
I look, to find a light switch of monstrous face.
Shouting is lost in the echo- precariously constructed words reduced to painful gibberish, a pile of rubble and nothingness.
A cow- suspending from archways with blue and yellow rings wrapped around.
In a fantasy blanket confounded with Nyquil and monstrosities intertwined with lack of sleep.
A minor indulgence of the upside-down mindset.
I see snow obliterating to a hearts content, with the lima bean.
Words and sounds.
A misperfected hand hits the floor, oddly defeated.
Hello, I love you my friends, my demons, my outlandish ideas. – I love you because of your unwillingness to become a melon- but simply to resonate in our neon mausoleum?
Words and sounds
Comprehend
Structure of words and sounds
Miscomprehend
[structure] insert ;..[insert]<
cranberry juice and stilettos d..
I am sick. Not by choice, but by force, really.
And sick, does not fit me.
Its not so much one of those "eeewww gross im going to throw up and tell everybody about how miserable I am!!" kinds of sick, but more of a "ow! my most of me!" keep to yourself, because you know that everyone can tell you are sick anyways.
I have been sick for three days now. I am not quite as accepting as I was around the beginning, but Id like to think that I havent been an ungracious host to my invasive little friend either.
Over the time period that I have had such unwanted company, I have taken about a total of 12 ibuprofen, 3 benadryl, at least 1 1/2 cups of nyquil, and far too much nose spray to account for. And have also refrained from ingesting acetone, gasoline, cyanide, asbestos, or anything else of that sort that will ultimatly cause my death.
Also, I have learned that taking Ibuprofen and Nyquil at the same time is not good.
The thing is, you see, if you take alot of Nyquil, and then dont sleep enough, you will develope a hangover. And thats exactly what I have done at this very moment. Therfore I have taken more Nyqil so that I can go back to sleep.
And in conclusion, microsoft hates you.
My microwave. I use it occasionally. i look at it alot i guess.
but you see, the other day i had to clean it. normally not a task that i mind doing, especially in our old house.
but since we moved, my microwave has been in a different spot, about mid torso to me, sitting on the counter.
and this being my very first encounter trying to clean it? no fun at all.
you see, the first thing that got on my nerves was that my dad asked me to do it. after he made the mess inside of it.
but i said to myself, "get over it, its not even a big deal or anything"
so i cleaned the sides and the bottom, no problem.
then the top came along...
i cant find any sort of way to describe to you all of the awkward positions i had to get my entire body into trying to comfortably and affectively clean it.
"never again!" i cried as i bent over backwards, with my knees sligtly bent and on my toes, back arched with my hand lying flat against the top of the microwave.
i was wet, uncomfortable, and needless to say, pissed.
[oh, to explain the whole wet part, i had just had a messy encounter with the sprayer thingy while doing the dishes]
after that, i made a vow to myself, that i would either never clean the microwave again, or find an amazing super high tech tool to use next time to either get my self into a not so uncomfortable position, or to kill it with untill it dies.
So I went to this blazers game the other night. Not because I wanted to, but because my mom quilted me into it. ..
To completely understand my feelings on the experience, you must know that I hate both basketball and annoying men that sing about lemonade and cartoons getting saved.
And also you must know that I had severe ketones that night, so I had to pee a lot. And incredibly dehydrated. And I felt sick. You know, instead of going through all the symptoms, just think of it as being pregnant without a child growing in your uterus.
So I sat at this game for two hours, the first hour being upset because everyone that could be called a friend in my youth group was sitting on the other end of the seating place thing, with my father, who would not switch me seats because I wasn't on the end. Even though not only was I sitting by his wife, but I needed the end more than he did because I was 'pregnant'
Half time he finally saw me have to leave enough that he switched me.
Finally! I was next to people I could tolerate!
It was loud! I was close enough that I could smell the sweat!
Not the sweat of the game mind you, the sweat of the loud obese man sitting behind me. He was also drinking a beer, which got sloshed down my neck numerous times. I do believe that I got more beer than he did.
Anyways, the game ended, and we all migrated to the floor to watch Chris Rice sing. It was to my assumption that because I didn't recognize the name at first that I had never heard of him.
About halfway through, my mom started recognizing the songs, but couldn't quite figure out exactly who he was. But she decided that she had to use the restroom, and I had been taking pictures of the back of some guys head for the last ten minutes, so I decided to go with her.
On the way up I took three pictures of a piece of broccoli that somehow managed to end up on the stairs, tripped twice, and stepped in an unidentified puddle of something sticky.
Then she decided to be a girl and took forever in the bathroom, so I took more pictures. Allot of which where of toilets and drains. Because we where in a bathroom, what more is there to photograph without people thinking you weird?
As soon as we re entered the concert and took our seats, we once again had to leave. Quickly. Because we soon realized who this man was when someone decided to shout 'play the cartoon song!'
I visited the dentist. Though I was a little reluctant after last times painful experience, I had to inquire about an oddly discolored tooth.
So we stepped into the dreaded waiting room full of small children, maybe too comfortable chairs, and somewhat outdated magazines.
Standing in line to check in, a very attractive young man walked into the line behind me. I smiled at him, and he smiled back, only to find out 10 minutes later that I had leftover lunch stuck in my teeth. How embarrassing.
Finally, I was called in for X-rays. The lady was nice enough, but she stuck the cardboard thing too far back in my mouth, and then laughed at me for gagging.
Then came the cleaning process. Never in my life has one woman gotten my entire face wet while cleaning my teeth.
Not only was she making the rinsing thing spray up my nose a little, and on my forehead, but immediately after sticking her hand in my mouth to scrape my teeth a little, she would rub it on my cheek.
Upon polishing my teeth, and making me vacuum my mouth for like, 10 minutes, she put floride on them.
Not like, a little dab, just enough for whats needed. She GLOBBED it on. Very generous amounts of the most discgusting flavor known to man. I wanted to projectile vomit all over her teeth, cause it was the only equivilant I could think of, and I was ready to anyways. It seemed reasonable.
Oh oh! And then she actually made my gums BLEED when she was flossing my teeth. I dislike that woman.
Then my actual dentist came in. You know the kind, lets the nurse thingy do all the work, and just comes in for a minute to look at your teeth and probably gets paid a hell of a lot more for it.
This man asked me the most peculiarly formed question. "How are your teeth treating you?"
Did he seriously just ask me this? What does that even mean?!
So I gave him the best answer I knew how.
"Oh, you know. Buys me flowers every once in a while, buys me gifts for our anniversary, typical teeth behavior."
Was I completely off for answering like that? I didn't think so…
Maybe next time he'll think about the way he puts his questions.