NOTE: Boys and girls can both be strong willed, but for simplicity's sake, I'm going to use the pronoun "he" in reference to the strong willed child.

A true strong willed child can be hard to handle. His intelligence tends to be quite high, and he uses it to manipulate others (especially his parents) to get them to bow to his will. He may set up a situation to look different than how it actually happened.

A strong willed child has a picture in his head about how things are supposed to be, and if anyone deviates from the picture in his head, then he explodes. He may first try to be manipulative, and if that doesn't work, he'll resort to bad attitudes and temper tantrums. The temper tantrums may sometimes be very violent and loud.

A strong willed child may also be very active, loud, and messy. He will also try to be "the boss." His bossiness isn't just limited to other children either. A strong willed child will tend to tell a baby sitter "you're not in charge of me." A strong willed child will tend to tell his father in the car "Don't take the highway, I want you to take the frontage road... turn left here... you drove too close to that car...," etc. He may tell his mother “you need to stop putting whey into the oatmeal,” or he may tell her to do something that she was on her way to do anyhow, which makes it look like she is doing what he said. For example, the mother may be getting ready to vacuum, so the strong willed child says “mom, you need to vacuum the floor now.”

Spankings with strong willed children may appear ineffective. In fact, many a strong willed child may turn around and laugh at you when you spank him. If you find that you have to use mark-leaving force in spanking your strong willed child, then you need to seriously limit spankings. A spanking for most strong willed children is only helpful when used very sparingly, and mark-leaving force should never be used.

Strong willed children are often major "look at me" socialites, thus isolation or facing a boring wall can be a good punishment. If the SW child gets too violent with facing a wall, then he may need to be put into a safe room by himself until he calms down, then brought out to face the wall again. This scenario may need to be replayed a dozen times in a row, before he actually stands and faces the wall like he was supposed to.

Strong willed children often require a LOT of do-overs. For example, if a non SW child slams a door, you can usually say “Please do not slam the door. Now go back to the door and open it and close it properly this time,” and the compliant child does it. The SW child will often walk over (with a bad attitude) and reopen the door and slam it again, and maybe even harder than the previous time. Keep having him do it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, until he does it properly, AND with a good attitude. Don’t ever give up before he does. You must win each and every battle. You must outlast him every single time. You must show that your will is stronger than his. While you’re possibly enduring hours of your SW child doing what seems like endless do-overs, remember to keep your patience. Don’t show that it’s stressing you out, or taking up your time. If your SW child senses that it’s upsetting you, then he may continue to cause problems, because he is controlling your emotions, and hence, is back in charge again. (Remember, with strong willed children, being in charge is their goal.)

When you punish a SW child, you need to keep an even tone of voice and a regular facial expression. Don’t show happiness or sadness. Don’t look excited or mad. Just look and sound normal, if not a little bored. Make it appear to your child that his do-overs and timeouts and such are not bothering you at all, and that you are continuing to live your life regardless of having to punish him. If he thinks that punishing him inconveniences you, he’ll likely make sure you punish him longer and more often, because then he is controlling YOU. A SW child will gladly go through punishment if he can use it to make him feel like he is in control of someone.

A strong willed child can be trained into compliance, but his heart is an entirely different issue. You may have trained your strong willed child to obey you when you tell him to do, or not do something, but he probably does it with a bad attitude, and sometimes a tantrum will ensue as well.

Strong willed children may at times refuse to "remember" how to do certain tasks.

For example, washing hair. A strong will child may not like getting his face wet, so he may come out of the shower with hair that is completely dry. The parent brings the child back to the shower, shows him again how to wash his hair, and the child may or may not comply that time around.

At the next shower, he may wash his hair correctly, yet the next shower he acts as if he totally forgot how again.

If you homeschool him, you may bang into this problem - example: You teach him how to do basic addition. He is doing great, he is finishing a 100 problem addition drill sheet in under 5 minutes, and all of the answers are correct. Then, one day you need to go to an appointment, so your husband takes over the math lesson while you're gone. You come home to a husband who looks at you in disbelief, and says "Our child doesn't know how to do simple addition. He couldn't even do 2+3 with me. He is very behind in school. What are you teaching him?" Yes, your strong willed child manipulated his dad, by pretending that he didn't know how to do the addition, so that his daddy would sit down with him, and "teach" him. The child can then control how long of a session he wants one on one with his dad, by deciding when he finally wants to "understand" what his dad is “teaching” him. He is also getting the bonus of possibly pitting his mother and father against each other, with him pulling the strings.

In the world of a strong willed child, it's all about control, and the SW child is determined to have the control. His world is either black or white - this or that. If you deviate from his black or white into a grey area, he will short circuit.

There is nothing wrong with a SW child. Strong Willed is a personality trait, that’s all. A SW child is not abnormal. The parent's job is to train that child and help him in controlling his will. If you have a strong willed child, it’s because God knew that you could handle it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 is clear. You’re not given more than you can handle. A strong willed child left to himself has a large probability of being a criminal when (or before) he is grown, because he will be trying to force others into his will. However, a strong willed child who has patient parents who train him every single day will often pursue power careers such as politics, law, science, or soul winning/missionary work. SW children can grow up to be some of the BOLDEST Christians you’ve ever seen. Training your SW child is so worth the work and anguish.

It is imperative that when the child reaches the logic stage in development (starting at around 10 years old) that you begin teaching him Christian logic. Regardless of the age of your SW child, limit TV, and encourage reading of good books instead. He probably shouldn’t play any video games, or listen to much music other than good classical. Give him a VERY structured day. Even if no one else (including yourself) in your household is scheduled, a SW child thrives from it. At first, the SW child will fight the schedule, but when he sees that the same thing happens at the same time each day, he will eventually "give in," and you will have much more peace in your household. Consistency is the key.

Also be consistent with your SW child in discipline. He needs to be punished for EVERY wrongdoing, bad attitude, etc. Don't let ANYTHING slide. If he thinks he has a 10% chance of getting away with something, he most likely will take that 10% chance.

The SW child also tends to weigh the consequences against the infraction he wishes to commit. Unfortunately, the SW child sometimes decides that the consequence is worth taking, just to commit the desired infraction. Stay consistent, be patient, don't raise your voice, don't raise your hand in anger, and trust in God. SW children can grow up to be some of the most amazing adults around, but they need parents who have a lot of wisdom. The Bible says that if you pray for wisdom, God will give it to you.

Some great books to read about raising Strong Willed children are:

Setting Limits for the Strong Willed Child

The New Strong Willed Child

Aaron’s Way

The first book is secular, but it is VERY well done. I’d consider it the best book on SW children I have read thus far.

The second book was okay, but it didn’t seem that the author had a SW child himself, and the lack shows in some of the writing.

Aaron’s Way is a must read if you have a SW child. A mother of a SW child, and her grown SW son wrote it together. You get a look into a SW child’s mind. You will learn about the inner workings of the strong willed child, and why they do what they do.

I have read many other books on child training and raising strong willed children, but the above three are (in my opinion) the best I’ve come across so far.

If you have a strong willed child, stay the course and trust in God. There is light at the end of the tunnel. :-)