Spunky Homeschool

Feeling Lonely

Jun. 27, 2006 at 11:36 PM

Homeschooling

Don't worry, you're not alone.

[A] comprehensive new study paints a sobering picture of an increasingly fragmented America, where intimate social ties - once seen as an integral part of daily life and associated with a host of psychological and civic benefits - are shrinking or nonexistent. In bad times, far more people appear to suffer alone...

If close social relationships support people in the same way that beams hold up buildings, more Americans appear to be dependent on a single beam.

Could it be that there's a socialization crisis in America? Silly me, how can that be possible? After all, isn't one of main reasons people keep telling me to send my children off to school is so they can be socialized? They love to remind me that if they spend too much time with their family, they'll become isolated and social misfits.

Stuff and nonsense.   They have it reversed.

The family is where the first and strongest connections to others are made. Isolate a child from his family and he becomes an emotional orphan - always looking but rarely finding lasting friendships. The family provides the foundational beams that make strong relationships with others possible.

Sadly, most churches have bought into the same philosophy. We have isolated children and divided families by age and circumstance. All so that children can learn and develop friendships with others at their level. This continues on into adulthood with college and career, young marrieds, and MOPS. (There's no "POPS" because somewhere in the transition, dads just fall off the radar screen.) We enter the church as a family and leave as individuals. And now we're paying the price.

Just look at all the lonely people.

A friend loveth at all times and a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17

(HT: Dr. Helen)

Related posts by Spunky: The Youth Group Question, Fit for Service (An article about keeping children in the service.) and R is for Relationship.

Related bloggers: Confessor, Why Homeschool

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11 Comments and Trackbacks

posted by esperanzavallero on Jun. 27, 2006 at 11:51 AM

I absolutely agree. A large denomination we know of that tries hard to stick by the Bible, nevertheless is insistent on separating children by age, and particularly from their parents. My daughter wonders why even the homeschoolers from this church are so worldly, lacking childlikeness, but the adults have made themselves into an exclusive club, and so all the kids are trying to get there faster, so they can be with their parents again. By the time they do, they won't want to be with their parents.
Ustedes estan aprendiendo espanol? Que bueno. Estamos misioneros de Mexico con un proposito de haciendo un lugar para familias que quieren tomar un viaje de mision.
Blessings,
Jennifer Pepito

posted by Anonymous on Jun. 27, 2006 at 2:43 PM

Interesting! I had read about the study, but didn't make the connection. :)

posted by Anonymous on Jun. 28, 2006 at 7:16 PM

I am not a blogger and have not posted a comment on a blog before. I left a comment on your blog on Youth Groups but realized afterward that it was a blog from last year. I feel that what I had to say should be considered so I am going to copy it here.

As for the lonliness factor.... I believe the role of the computer plays into that. I know so many people that have "relationships" with people all over the world through e-mailing, message boards and blogging, yet they don't have many friends in their own communities. If people didn't spend so much time on the computer they would have more time to invest in the lives of others around them.

In response to blog on Youth Groups, I wrote:

I am overwhelmed by feelings of great sadness in regard to this topic and the views that have been expressed here.

First of all, I am a homeschooling mother with three teenagers. We have grappled with the decision of whether to allow our kids to participate in youth groups. There are concerns about certain influences that can be found there. I will not deny that. However, I also have a different perspective.

I did not grow up in a Christian home. I was introduced to Christ through an outreach ministry where a bus came through our neighborhood and picked up kids to take them to Sunday school. My parents were more than happy to have their Sunday morning kid free. I type this through tears as so many of you seem to have no consideration for those that are lost. Yes, the father is the spiritual leader of the home. BUT... what if a child's father does not assume that responsibility? Y'all are perfectly within your rights to decide what you do or do not have your family participate in regard to church. If you don't like youth groups... don't have your kids participate. I sure hope y'all aren't telling them that it is because you don't like the fact that some of the kids don't dress the way you like or that some of them go to the evil public school. Most kids don't have a choice. A lot of kids don't even know that some of what they do and say is wrong. I will never forget the time I went to camp with my best friend. Her family took me to church with them for years. I said "God" quite often. My friend and her family never said anything to me about it. When we were at camp all the other girls in our cabin ganged up on me and she came to my defense. She told them that I was a wonderful person and that it wasn't my fault that I didn't know any better. It was a painful experience for me (I stopped saying "God" in that way) but it also taught me a lot about my friend and her family. They didn't hold where I came from against me!

Where is the love here???? Envangelism and discipleship must BOTH occur within a church. I cannot even write anymore.

Just for the record. I am a life that was changed by the outreach programs. I wonder if there would have been the same effect on my life had I gone to a church that was for families only. Well, I guess not because that outreach wouldn't even have existed. Everyone would have been looking to the needs of their own families and only concerned with orchestrating everything for themselves. Shame on all of you that are that shortsighted and self righteous.


posted by on Jun. 28, 2006 at 7:38 PM

Kelly,

A couple of thoughts here, please don't take one post and assume that this is the extent of my experience as a Christian toward evangelism and outreach to the lost. It is not. Nor do I judge anyone for coming into church just as they are. However, this post was in response to a direct question about youth groups. I responded with the answer why we as a believing family do not particpate. I feel you have judged me harshly for the choice we have made.

I have nothing against outreach ministries. But a youth group in most churches is directed first for the children of believing families. That is not the same as outreach and should not be confrused with each other. I am thankful to the Lord that there was a ministry in place for you to be a part of and and a family that welcomed you in. We have done similar things to young people in our area.

Evangelism and discipleship must both be included in a church. Evangelism is part of discipleship. But scripture is clear "bad company corrupts good morals." There are ways to accomplish both without comrpomising the walk of the believing child. For a child without a father or father that is indifferent, there is a way to welcome them into the church without compromising the truths of God's word. The outreach program you have mentioned worked wonderful things into your life. Were there others who stumbled because of it. Of course, you don't know. But the possibility is there. I have seen that first hand. I will not share details because that is unnecessary. But suffice it to say, I believe the truth of the scripture.

By the way, your comment was also sent to my other blog. I maintain both. It is under the link to the Youth Group Question. Both blogs are current and hosted by different sites.

As far as the original point of the post on lonliness, you made a comment about the interent. I use my blog as part of my outreach to those that are looking for answers. It is an outreach to others that I would not be able to minister to otherwise. As a mother of six children it is difficult to "go out into all the world" and tell others the good news of Jesus Christ. Sitting here at my computer I am able to tell others the good news. I have readers from Germany, Singapore, Japan, the UK and many other countries. What a blessing that God has created a medium that allows His word to reach the lost. What an outreach! Imagine if this weren't here! I know people who because of what I and others have written have come to a knowledge of Christ as Savrior and Lord. All praise goes to Him for the work he is doing in the lives of all of us.

Blessings
Spunky

Edited by spunkyhomeschool on Jun. 28, 2006 at 4:48 PM

posted by Anonymous on Jun. 28, 2006 at 8:52 PM

Spunky,

I apologize for giving the impression that I was judging your choice not to have your children involved in your church youth group. I do not feel that way at all. I believe that that is in the realm of parental choice. I can see the reasons why a lot of homeschooling parents make that choice. My problem is with many of the comments on the subject in the Youth Group thread and a few in the comment you just left me.

You said there are ways to accomplish both (evangelism and discipleship) within church without compromising the walk of the believing child. What are you talking about? I don't understand what that means. Yes, scripture is clear that bad company corrupts good morals but what are you saying by quoting that in this context? What exactly would church look like to you if it were how you are envisioning it? I just am having a hard time following you and would like clarification. Maybe there is just a communication problem here and you can help me see what you truly mean.

You also said that it was good that I was ministered to but then said, "Were there others who stumbled because of it? Of course, you don't know. But the possibility is there." YIKES! What are you saying there? It is true that people can be stumbling blocks for others but there is also personal responsibility in regard to choices. I wonder if Mary Magdelene was a "stumbling block" for any of the disciples? Or Zaccheus... or the woman with the issue of blood....

As believers we are in different places in our walk at different times. I thought that it was up to us further along on the path to help those just beginning. I guess I am just missing something. I thought that all of us are in need of a Savior, that all of us sin. I guess some kids that have been homeschooled just need to be protected against any outside influence that would leave a blemish. If somehow they sin, it is because of some contact with a kid at church that hasn't been brought up properly or kids that attend the evil public school. Makes me wonder if the attitudes of some homeschooling parents doesn't provide its own sort of stumbling block for their children as they then look down on others who aren't the same.

Kelly

posted by spunkyhomeschool on Jun. 28, 2006 at 10:27 PM

I appreciate the opportunity to clarify what I mean. First of all, this is not a homeschool vs non homeschool issue. Nor is it the issue of someone else being responsible for another's sin. But scripture says, that better a millstone be hung around anyone's neck that he cause one of these children to stumble. The bible places a high price on those that knowingly place an immature child in a way that would cause them to stumble. It is not a matter of looking down on those that sin. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. No one is righteous no not one. That includes homeschooled children and their parents.

As far as what those stumbling blocks are. I will not go into details in a public forum. However, suffice it to say that I have watched both unbelieving and believing children fall into situations that were serious in nature presented long term consequences for BOTH. Believing children are not perfect either. They don't always act in accordance with Truth. This can lead to tempations placed upon an unbeliever that they didn't expect. And vice versa.

I believe that when children are left in a youth group situation under just one (usually young) youth pastor it is a recipe for stumbling. The accountablity for the youth to keep from temptation is difficult. However, a child that is within the context of a family situation can bring in unbelieving friends into their family and minister in a way that is helpful to the unbeliever but still accountable the father and mother of the believer. Thirty or more youth in a mixed situation cannot provide that type of environment. No matter how hard they try.

Yes, indeed it is up to the mature to help those that are not. But that hits the point directly, in youth group you are placing immature believers with immature non believers. Very little postive is the result. Better to have families reaching out where there are mature parents to guide their children and also help the unbelievers as well.

posted by Anonymous on Jun. 29, 2006 at 1:15 AM

You really didn't answer my question. What exactly would church look like to you if it were how you believe it should be? Would Sunday school and Youth Groups be done away with? Would outreach be done exclusively through families? How would that play out in the context of regular time? Would families sign up to mentor new children believers and commit to being available to them once or twice a week? I just don't get it. You are not the only one out there with these views but I have yet to see what exactly y'all are reaching for.

The issue here, for me, has nothing to do with choosing to have your family not participate in youth groups. It really isn't. I was just taken back by the responses to your blog on it from last year. I only commented because I re-acted emotionally to what I read. I thought that by stating that there is good that comes from those types of programs that it might soften some people's approach to the subject. I don't know you and you don't know me. There really is no need for me to get upset over the opinions and choices of others or to argue these points with you on your blog.

In Him, Kelly

posted by spunkyhomeschool on Jun. 29, 2006 at 8:31 AM

The two churches we have been a part of the longest, neither had Sunday school or youth group. That's what it would look like to us. It was very similar to what you just described in your last comment. People (young and old) were welcomed and reached by those that were members. They were invited to dinner, to attend family bible studies, come over to visit, etc. In the one church that we did attend that had those ministries there was very little involvement by families especially fathers. Most took on the mindset that it was the churches job to reach the lost not them. There attitude is all I have to do is bring them to church and the "professionals" will do the rest. I don't think this is a biblical pattern nor the most efficient pattern for reaching the lost. We are told to "Go out into all the world and preach the gospel."

posted by Anonymous on Jun. 29, 2006 at 9:32 AM

Well, there is not much left for me to say. Like I said before, I don't know you and you don't know me. I don't know your church or the churches you've been to. I only really know my life and my experiences and they have influenced how I see things in every area of my life. I will tell you that I am not a nominal Christian. I am a strong believer and very involved in my church and a large homeschool support group on a leadership level. The church that I go to does have Sunday school, Youth Groups and VBS. We do not participate in every youth activity offered. There are homeschool families (and probably non-homeschool families) that choose to have their families stay with them and that is fine. We do not have a policy that states that children must go to Sunday school. We only ask that those with small children sit toward the back in a certain area in case they cry or are disruptive so that they can be taken into the foyer.. where there are comfortable places to sit and a screen so that they can continue to hear/see the service. There are a lot of kids that come to church without their parents from the surrounding neighborhood. There are girls that dress inappropriately at times. We have adults in our service that look like they belong in a biker gang. Sometimes some people even reek of cigarette smoke and my son has to use his inhaler. But they are there, they are hearing the Word, and many are saved. As I look around our church each week I see a cross section of people from every walk of life. We have a lot of elderly people, seasoned believers, new believers, and seekers. It is what I believe you should see in a church that is vibrant, alive and growing. Is our church perfect? Absolutely not. It is filled with imperfect people. Have there been problems in the youth group? Of course, as there have in women's ministry, worship, children's ministry, etc.

I sincerely hope that my heart is coming through here. I do not want to come across as critical of you and your choices or your church. I most certainly don't want to come across as stumbling upon your blog and taking the opportunity to attack you through your comment thread. I am not a blogger. I've been reading them lately and this was the first time I've felt compelled to post. In reality, the time I've spent here has taken me from other responsibilities and served only to upset me and I am not sure that anything I've had to say made any kind of meaningful impact whatsoever.

God Bless You, Kelly

posted by spunkyhomeschool on Jun. 29, 2006 at 9:38 AM

Thanks for your input Kelly. I'm not sure what you're trying to convince me of actually. The churches we have attended look very simialar in appearance to those you have described. The only difference I see is in approach to who does the ministry and what is the purpose of the gathering of believers. It is a philosphical difference in approach to ministry. Most churches believe in a professional clergy that does the work with a volunteer army that supports it. We don't approach church from that perspective.

posted by shaunms on Jun. 29, 2006 at 7:19 PM

I don't have any comment on the above controversy. I was just moved to say -- yes! -- about churches holding up the family in principle and splintering us in practice. Staff and many lay leaders are trying hard to reverse this trend in my parish, but we continually fight the assumption that "if there is no special group dedicated to my needs (young adult, singles, youth, moms, etc.) then the church doesn't care about me." And with youth we often hear, "Youth group was great for me as a kid, so it'll be great for my kid" -- a lot like what I hear about school itself.

I am hopeful that the tide is turning. Slowly, but surely.

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