Debi Pearl revisited
Aug. 22, 2005 at 11:08 AM
I thought I might be all done writing about the book "Created to Be His Help Meet". I really wanted to be. But recent personal events and Sparrow's review and Kirsten's continual review have prompted me to post again. (See sidebar for the other four posts.)
There is an aspect to this book that troubled me from the beginning. That is, the book makes liberal use of personal letters to help make Debi's points. These letters are never shown in the original hand of the writer. We must believe that they are original and credible without documentation. Furthermore, there are huge assumptions made from the letters that Debi seems willing to accept to make her case. Something Debi once said was not wise to do.
In her May 1999 newsletter, Debi Pearl wrote in response to a mother who was having a conflict with her husband, (This was take from a hard copy of their newsletter, No Greater Joy. no link available)
"From many years of counseling I have learned to never take at face value the interpretation of just one member of a controversy. And with no more than the contents of just one letter, it is difficult to be certain in my interpretation of the situation, but to answer it is necessary to make some assumptions.
And yet throughout this book Debi does exactly that.
One of the most grievious examples of this comes in Chapter 16 "To Love Their Husbands". It is in this chapter that Debi reminds us that it is a great sin not to be intimate with our husbands. Debi writes on page 164,
If you are not loving your man, you are in danger of blaspheming the word of God. - "to love their husbands." The Bible says, "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin" (James 4:17) Hopefully you just didn't realize that your lack of s*xual interest in your husband was sin, but now you know.
Debi is emphatic that no excuse that should prevent us from this aspect of being his help meet. Not even hormones or physical pain. From page 170,
Stop the excuses! Determine to find a way past your "excuses" and provide the pleasure your husband wants only from you.
The force of her beliefs comes in a very brief letter to Mr. Pearl from a real man named Mr. Miller. (I feel for all the Mrs. Miller's out there!) He writes to the Pearl's thinking he might need to castrate himself because his wife is not responding to his needs. The Pearl's response was,
The gravity of this wife's sin is staggering. She has NO FEAR of God Almighty. She has blasphemed the word of God with her selfishness, thinking only of her needs and not loving her husband. Never, never, never be guilty of such a grave sin. The husband needs to know that God says, The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband...Defraud ye not one the other...that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. (1 Cor. 7:4-5) God grants the marraige partner full acces to his
spouse's body for s*xual gratifiication. And remember, indifference is unwillingness.
Pretty strong words from a very short letter where only one side of the story is told. So much for her wisdom from years of counseling as stated earlier. Might the man have left out any details that would shed some light on the situation? It doesn't matter. On the basis of this one letter, the Pearl's have accused a woman of blasphemy and having no fear of God.
I agree that a woman should not withold from her husband. But the idea that this woman is guilty of blasphemy for refusing her husband is not necessarily true. And a prudent counselor would want more details before making such a strong accusation. But it fit with theology that Debi believes so reluctantly I let it go in my earlier reviews.
But I wondered, if the roles were reversed would Debi think the same about a man who refused his wife?
I thought that would just be a lingering unanswered question along with the others, until I came upon Debi's news website Created to be His Help Meet. In the section on testimonies, I came across a letter praising the book and the asking for wisdom for the very same situation only reversed. (Scroll down to the letter from Concerned Wife that is 7th from the bottom. This was editted for brevity and discreteness.)
What if my husband isn't interested in love making very much at all? We are both healthy, and I have my figure back after pregnancy. He doesn't want to make love; just cuddle and talk. (snip)
This is fine with me, but every time s*x is mentioned in your book, I think, "What is wrong?" Weeks can pass by without s*x, and my husband doesn't seem bothered by it at all. I am, though, just because I feel like something is missing in our marriage." ~ Concerned Wife
So will Debi respond with the same rebuke and accusation to the man that she did to the woman in the book? No. There is no mention of blasphemy or the man's lack of fear for God. Instead Debi blames it on hormones and tells him to take vitamins (phone number provided) and to fix steak!
"Dear Wife, your concern isn't nearly as uncommon as you might think. We have these suggestions: Your husband must have very low testosterone, because this
low of a s*x drive and lack of interest is not normal. Perhaps he would be willing to go to a doctor and have his testosterone levels checked. Red meat really boosts a man s*xual drive. Serve your husband red meat often. He also needs to take a very good vitamin/mineral/herb supplement that includes zinc.
"You should not feel bad at all going to him any time you need to, since he won't initiate anything very often. His body belongs to you, and yours to him. 'Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife' (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
Citing the same scripture, they do not accuse the man of anything. Why the double standard? Why isn't the man guilty of blasphemy? Is it a sin or isn't it? Could the man be involved in another relationship? (Most often the reason.)
What is staggering is that Debi contradicts her own explanation in the book and gives the husband the benefit of the doubt but yet refuses to do the same for the wife. Why? Is God a respecter of persons? It doesn't appear that this "sin" is gender specific. It mentions that both the husband and the wife have a responsiblity to each other. So why the different answers?
26 Comments and Trackbacks
posted by on Aug. 22, 2005 at 4:17 PM
My thinking is that Mr. Pearl is guiding Mrs. Pearl into her writings. I really feel that Mr. Pearl is a woman hater and thus giving Mrs. Pearl things to write about that puts women down. I sure wouldn't want to be married to Mr. Miller or Mr. Pearl for that matter. My dh is fine btw!! He is in major disagreement with this book. He also stated that his feelings is that Mr. Pearl is guiding Mrs.Pearl in this writing. I have seen a downward spiral in their writings. This book is scary to me. They put so much on the woman in the marriage. I am surprised in the case of Mr. Miller's answer by Mr. Pearl that his wife is blasepheming God. First of all they do not know what Blasphemy is. Also if they want to hold the woman accountable then they need to hold the man accountable. Also the scripture esp. in the OT talks about men avoiding s*xu*l relations during certian times of the women's life one is during her cycle and one is after her birth (from my memory it is 6 weeks?? correct??)
Back to the putting everything on the woman....The woman is not the head of the household. Her husband is. He is responsible for those under his care not his wife.
I was surprised to read this in the book. I was also saddened by what the Pearls were saying.
Holly
Edited by smfeet2001 on Aug. 22, 2005 at 1:18 PM
posted by HolyExperience on Aug. 23, 2005 at 8:07 AM
I invited a family over on Sunday...and the dear wife began to tell me about this book that CHANGED her life and how I HAD to read it--I slightly cringed when she asked if I had heard of it: "Created to be His Helpmeet".... Being a woman is so confusing...so hard...especially when the community of faith embraces teachings like these. Would Jesus?
No wonder I look into the eyes of my little girls and,(dare I say it?), feel a twinge of sadness for their futures....
Spunky, why don't you write the REAL book, "Created to by His Helpmeet"---and let it speak Jesus' truth about women......
Simply,
Ann V. HolyExperience
posted by spunkyhomeschool on Aug. 23, 2005 at 8:28 AM
In my free time??? Oh then when would I blog?
posted by Stacy L Harp on Aug. 23, 2005 at 6:27 PM
Hey Spunky you should write the book in your free time. :)
I think anyone who really loves this book lacks serious biblical discernment and understanding. No wonder abuse in the homeschooling community is so rampant.
I'm sure it breaks God's heart.
posted by spunkyhomeschool on Aug. 23, 2005 at 6:55 PM
ok ok I'll write it. I will call it Created to be His Spunky. It will be out in about 30 years.
posted by smfeet2001 on Aug. 24, 2005 at 3:09 PM
That is funny Spunky!! Is it true there is abuse in homeschoolers families??
This is the first I have heard it being rampant....
Holly
posted by on Aug. 24, 2005 at 3:34 PM
I don't know if it's rampant, but adultry and abuse are much more common than you think.
Edited by spunkyhomeschool on Aug. 24, 2005 at 12:35 PM
posted by HomesteadMama on Aug. 25, 2005 at 8:33 AM
"RAMPANT" ...... ? Really ? What do you site as your information source here ?
It is quite apparent that you seem to have some sort of 'beef' with Mrs. Pearl.....you know, when you write a book~the publisher is only going to print so many pages....... you cannot cover every human beings every particular situation. I think that generalizations are used here. I also think that Mrs Pearl expects us to use our heads, folks.
Perfect example is this most recent post thrashing the Pearls.......
Spunky, you appear to be looking at this particular passage of writing thru the glasses of an angry feminist....
Men "generally speaking" NEVER have a 'headache' or excuse to get out of their 'marital duties'.......thus her explanation.........
Women on the other hand ALWAYS (now, I am generalizing here, Spunky...) have some whiny, poor me, excuse as to why this that or the other.....as to their side of the 'marital duties' excuse ....thus her explanation.....
I am not condoning abuse, or staying in a violent marriage (like the situation you listed above) & I respect your right to your opinion.......but I think you're really off here.
In Him,
Lisa
posted by on Aug. 25, 2005 at 10:43 AM
Lisa, let's take this sentence by sentence.
Rampant, I never called anything rampant that was a comment by another commenter. I said it was more common that you might think.
It is quite apparent that you have some sort of beef with Mrs. Pearl.
Mrs. Pearl wrote a public book. I have no offense with her;. I do not know her. But I am reading what she has wrtitten and examining it in light of her past words and the scripture. She is required as a Titus 2 woman to teach that which is good. It is the responsibility of all of us to hold each other accountable. Mrs. Pearl holds us to a high calling I am only asking her to meet the same standard she has called us to.
About the book publisher printing only so many pages. This book is self publsihed by No Greater Joy Ministries and not under the constraints of a publishers requirements. She was free to include as many pages as necessary.
Generalizations were used. The letter to Mr. Miller was not a generalization but very specific. If she wanted to make a general statement about a woman meeting her hsubands physical needs she could have done so without a specific letter and then accusing the women of blasphemy. She did not.
Mrs. Pearl wants us to use our heads, folks. That is eactly what I am doing when I examine her work.
A perfect example is the trashing of the Pearls. Why is it considered trashing the Pearls to examine what they write and compare it to past writings and the scriptures?
"Spunky you appear to be writing through the glasses of an "angry feminist"". That is a personal accusation and one I would ask you to support with something I have written. Again, I have said that I agree with some of what is written but that doesn't excuse the false teaching that is in the book. As a Titus 2 woman Debi is held to a standard of teaching that the bible requires. That is teaching that which is good.
Men usually don't have a headache to get out of the marital duties. That may be true. However, adultery is the leading reason men lose interest in their wives. Debi doesn't consider this when she answers this woman. She also does not consider that the man has blasphemed. The scripture is not gender specific. If it is blasphemy for the woman, it is blasphemy for the man.
Women do often use poor excuses for refusing their husbands. And Debi is right to point that out. But from the letter to Mr. Miller she doesn't consider that the man may have issues (AIDS, cross dressing) that would lead to the woman's refusal. She accuses the woman of blasphemy without any detailed knowledge of the situation. That is not wise to do. Something Debi said she would not do in her earlier writing is make judgements based on one letter. Yet that is what she does.
If you think I am really off in my review. I can appreciate that. Please hold me accountable. Where in my review do I err? I am willing to correct any errors in what I have said.
Spunky
Edited by spunkyhomeschool on Aug. 25, 2005 at 8:03 AM
posted by HomesteadMama on Aug. 25, 2005 at 2:57 PM
haHA.....I'll have to agree with you on the publishing of their own book :) But how large a volume are they supposed to publish ?
There is no possible way for these folks to speak to ever persons unique issues, and each family situation is so very different, again -- generalization.
I have read the Pearls books, with a Bible right alongside....and noted and looked up & read the scriptures as I read thru their books.....
I think some women are really looking for a true ax to grind with Mrs. Pearl....for whatever their own personal reason.
Do I agree with her every breathing word.......no. I do agree with the basics and principals of the book. Again, I think we all need to read the scriptures, pray and seek the whispers of the Holy Spirit....and apply the words of ANY book written, to our lives as the APPLY TO US....not as the END ALL...and last word...there is only ONE book I am aware of that fits that bill.
We all blog for our own various reasons, and we all have our own opinions, and right to speak them. When you write, certainly "blog", you are asking for others opinions....just sharing mine.
As far as the rampant comment.......by the looks of your blog you've got many posts and comments going on about this......you must think it's either pretty important.....or you're looking to stir the coop.
If someone has a real issue in this area........I can't believe that a blog is the place for it.
Sure it's open season for anyone to discuss ANY thing...that's not the point....but it appears that this life threatening, marriage ending topic would need to be addressed in a more serious manner.......not as sensationalism on a blog site. There are plenty of places for these issues to be handled, helped and dealt with in our country....in the serious manner they should be, if someone so desires.
My .02
posted by HolyExperience on Aug. 25, 2005 at 3:32 PM
Spunky, may I commend you for your thoughtful responses here --- you have spoken forthrightly...but in a calm, considerate, respectful manner. Thank you.
(I look forward to reading that book you are writing in your free time ~warm wink~)
As for one commenter suggesting that a blog not being a serious place to discuss serious issues, may I humbly beg to differ. This is a community of faith, of homeschoolers, of men and women ----- where better to discuss this issue? May I offer that I have found Spunky's review to be respectful and honoring....and thought provoking. This certainly is the forum for such issues.
I appreciate what I learn here.
Thank you,
Ann V. HolyExperience
posted by spunkyhomeschool on Aug. 25, 2005 at 4:18 PM
Lisa,
Your comments this time are a little different than the last time. I must admit to being a little confused.
You made an accusation that I had an apparent beef with Mrs. Pearl and that I am looking through the glasses of an angry feminist. Those are serious allegations that cannot be dismissed. Again, I ask what in my writing has led to that conclusion? Or do you no longer believe that this is true?
As far as the "rampant" comment. You also made an accusation and asked for evidence for something that I didn't say. It cannot be swept aside with another discussion of what is talked about on my blog. That wasn't the issue when you made the first comment and it isn't the issue now.
Yes, I feel that this is an important issue. Abuse and adultery are serious issues. But I am not doing this to "stir the coop" or "sensationalism". I receive letters like this frequently. I don't publsih them all. But Holly asked a question and I felt that it was important to let others know that this happens even amongst conservative homeschooling families.
I don't have an "ax" to grind with Debi Pearl. It is of no importance to me who wrote this book. But what is written is important. It shoudl be to all of us. What is written is doctrinally in error and Debi Pearl contradicts her previous writings. The book creates confusing contradictions for Debi and an unclear idea of what is true and what they actually believe.
To those that have disagree with my review it isn't helpful to make accusations and then ignore them. I don't mind differing opinions but allegations and accusations about me are not helpful to the dsicussion. And if you feel the need to accuse my motives please be willing to back them up.
Please read the reviews and if you disagree make it on the substance of what I said. Debi Pearl holds woman to a high standard as wives I am only asking that she meet the same standard that she holds out to us. As a Titus 2 woman she is called to teach that which is good. I am examining what she has written in light of that calling.
Again, please read my reviews. I am willing to correct any errors in what I have written.
posted by HomesteadMama on Aug. 25, 2005 at 6:19 PM
I said 'you appear'........that equates to my opinion of how these posts are coming across as I read them........
good gracious where is the smiley with the rolling eyes........?
As I said earlier I shared MY opinion......it obviously isn't yours.....and that's jussssst fine....we all have our own opinion......
theres a difference between "allegations and accusations........"
I was stating MY OPINION on how your posts read on these subjects.
Blessings to you Spunky....
posted by spunkyhomeschool on Aug. 25, 2005 at 7:28 PM
If I misread your first post as an allegation I apologize and ask your forgiveness.
That it was your opinion is not disputed. Nor am I upset that you shared it. That is what blogging is about. Dissenting opinion does not bother me..
But if that is how I am coming across as you read them I would like to know where. I am not an angry feminist nor do I have a beef with the Pearl's. But when someone says that something is apparent to them and not to me I want to know how because I want to make sure and clear it up. I, like most am usually blind to my own flaws. It is often with the help of others and their opinions that I can grow and change.
If my wording could be better or something I am willing to examine it. Whether it is opinion or not. If you have this opinion than others might also. I want what I say to be scrutinzied and that is why I posted it.
However, your comment began with a question and asked for support for something I didn't say. And then moved to say things about how I appear. I didn't dispute that this is the way I appeared to you. But it is difficult to hear someone share something about how you appear but yet be unwilling to give specific examples of how this comes across.
You also said (in your first comment) that in my last post I was trashing the Pearls. Again, I don't dispute that this is how you feel. I am only asking how?
You obviously feel strongly about what I have written and therefore willing to share your opinion. But one who is willing to share an opinion without something to substantiate it is difficult to understand.
I could have done the same thing with this book. I could ascribe all sorts of adjectives about how Debi Pearl appeared. But that is a cheap shot and unproductive. Instead, my husand and I carefully examined what was written and supported our thoughts with quotes from the book.
It would be helpful to me to have the same done for me.
I am asking for help understanding your opinion so that I can grow in my writing and in the Lord.
So again, if there is something in my review that you feel is in err please point that out. I am open.
posted by Anonymous on Aug. 26, 2005 at 12:13 AM
Thank you Spunky for taking the time to review this book. I was highly recommended the book from my sister and other godly sources so I looked forward to reading it immensely. Needless to say my heart sank as I read. My sister is buying the book for a young woman about to be married and everything within me yearns to tell her stop! I am glad that I am not the only one with concerns from the error in theology. I am not a feminist at all, by the way, and I truly feel that part of my calling as a wife is to serve my husband. But you have put into words very succinctly all I have been thinking, and more, about the book. I hope you do not mind if I can copy some of your reviews and show them to my sister (she does not have internet). Thanks and God bless!
posted by smfeet2001 on Aug. 26, 2005 at 9:59 AM
and I apologize for my question on "abuse being rampant in homeschool families". I do thank you for answering that question of mine. I didn't realize when I asked that it would cause a bit of a stir.
I do feel that your review was very well written and no hint of feminism or 'beef with the Pearls".
I like the Pearls but I had a very hard time with their book since it really didn't meet up with what the scripture says. You have shown very well in my opinion on why and where it didn't meet up with scritpure. I also fear this book will be the downfall in marriages. My beef is the Bible has all the answers you need for marriage so why can't we just read that and let the Holy Spirit guide us from that point?? Granted I read other books on being a wife and a woman. My favorite all time is Elizabeth George's A Woman after God's Own heart. She has a new book out now about A Woman's after Her husband's heart or something like that...
If you can't do a book maybe you can post small articles on marriage every now and then??
I enjoy your writings Spunky!! I know you do not like writing but I enjoy it! (I do not like writing either)
Holly
posted by Anonymous on Aug. 26, 2005 at 1:00 PM
Either Mrs. Pearl is Scripturally in error, or she is a horrible writer. A good writer will leave no doubt as to what she means. Her readers will not have to say, "OK I know her words say this, but what she REALLY means is......" She should make herself very clear.
Since I don't really know Mrs. Pearl, I HAVE to take her words at face truth. I cannot read into anything. The Bible simply does not support many of the things she states in her book, and that is what Spunky takes issue with. That is what is so alarming. (Especially since this book is so wildly popular and is claimed to be "The Key" to a "heavenly marriage.")
Lisa, where is Spunky in error?
posted by Anonymous on Aug. 27, 2005 at 3:41 PM
Thank you for doing the Christian community the service of exposing the Pearls.
Their writings are not supported by Scripture and seem to be producing excess within the Christian community. I believe Michael Pearl is an egomaniac who pressured his wife to penn this dreadful book in order to create a little outpost of legalism in which women are coerced to be completely and unBiblically servile to their husbands.
The three charactures of men (Mr. Command, et. al.) are in no way repersentative of the character qualities of G-d.
In fact, the very selfishness that Mrs. Pearl rants against in her book are treated as g-dly characteristics within these three male prototype personia.
This is sick and some of the women for whom this material is written are so sheltered from the larger community that something like this in print only reinforces the potential (and if Mrs. Pearl's own experience is accurate real) abuse.
This isn't healthy or g-dly and I am not a feminist (hateful and raving or not.)
My own dear husband is a g-dly man who doesn't fit into Debbi (or is it MIchael) Pearl's reality. He's actually trying to be a servant-leader in the model of Jesus HImself.
Imagine that.
posted by Anonymous on Nov. 10, 2005 at 2:22 PM
There are many wonderful books on marriage. Ed Hartmann's book Homeward Bound gives wonderful counsel on marriage and family as well as being prepared for eternity. Mike Mason in his book The Mystery of Marriage lifts us into a glorious experience that opens our eyes to the wonder of marriage. Debi Pearl in her book Created to Be a Helpmeet drags us through the gutters.
posted by Anonymous on Feb. 18, 2006 at 4:03 PM
What you can't argue with is the fact that this book is helping many 'mediocre' marriages - mine included! OK, so the book offers opinions - not just Bible verses...there are so many applications to how verses work out in a real situation that I found invaluable. If any of you have met the Pearls, read or watched their material, or attended one of their seminars, you'd see the ridiculousness of accusing them of falsifying letters, or Mr. Pearl 'coercing' his wife to write the book.
I think it's easy for women who are married to men who are characterized by constant Christlikeness and spiritual maturity to misunderstand the book and the need for it. Also, I think the issues you have picked on are miniscule compared to the overall tone and helpfulness. I LOVED this book...as have the four other women I have shared it with at my church. We have all been blessed in so many ways, and I'm grateful for an older woman who has been married for many years, with adult children who are now happily married, to teach and guide us.
posted by spunkyhomeschool on Feb. 18, 2006 at 5:45 PM
Let's take this a little at at time. I have italicized your words and commented below them
What you can't argue with is the fact that this book is helping many 'mediocre' marriages - mine included! OK, so the book offers opinions - not just Bible verses...there are so many applications to how verses work out in a real situation that I found invaluable.
There are many books that have helped mediocre marriages that I would not quarrel with. However, they do not purport to be God's plan for a heavenly marriage. If she had promoted this book as her opinion or as a self help guide then that would be fine. However she promotes this book as God's plan for a biblical marriage. So it is by the standard of God's word that I must measure her words. The fact that the book has helped you is wonderful. But you are not the issue. God's word is the issue. As a Titus 2 woman one of the first requirements is to teach according to sound doctrine. This book fails in this matter. Rebekah Pearl said in a correspondence with me that they believe the disagreement over this book is over the "mistaken" belief that we have a sin nature. This doctrine is in conflict with sound doctrine. If you look up Pelagianism in google you will find an ancient heresy that Michael Pearl ascribes to. This teaching is what drives the words of this book.
If any of you have met the Pearls, read or watched their material, or attended one of their seminars, you'd see the ridiculousness of accusing them of falsifying letters, or Mr. Pearl 'coercing' his wife to write the book.
I have met Mr. Pearl and his two of his daughter's personally. I have heard him speak on multiple occassions. I have not accused them of falsifying letters or coercing his wife to write the book. I merely said it was disturbing that she does not provide documentation for the letters. Further, Rebekah Pearl also admitted in a correspondence through another blog that there was atleast one textual error in the book related to Sunny and Ahmed. It is for credibility that we must be able to document what is written. Providing documentation establishes the crediblity necessary when using them so liberally throughout the book.
I think it's easy for women who are married to men who are characterized by constant Christlikeness and spiritual maturity to misunderstand the book and the need for it.
We have all married sinful men. I have shared my own testimony in a post from honeymoons to happy homes. You can find it on my sidebar. It is not the need for the book that I take issue with. It is the TRUTH or lack thereof that I take issue with.
Also, I think the issues you have picked on are miniscule compared to the overall tone and helpfulness.
Repentance is not a minisule issue. A merry heart is not the first step to a happy marriage. Christ calls all to repentance and reconcilliation to HIM. A marriage based on anything but the truth of God's word is a happy marriage but not a Godly one. Mrs. Pearl fails to tell a woman who has been disobedient to the Lord and her husband to seek the Lord and her husband's forgiveness. That is not miniscule. That is foundational. Further, some of the other statements made in the book are not supported in scripture.
Debi calls all wives in this book to a high standard. I am only examining her words in light of the highest standard possible God's word.
I LOVED this book...as have the four other women I have shared it with at my church. We have all been blessed in so many ways, and I'm grateful for an older woman who has been married for many years, with adult children who are now happily married, to teach and guide us.
Your love for any book is not the issue. Any book we read must be measured against the truth of God's Word. For that is the book we are to love more than any other. When we examine Debi Pearl's statements in light of the truth. They come up short. And the doctrine that we don't have a sin nature that is based on is a heresy.
This is not about your or me and our pleasure or happiness. If we do not respect the standard of the word of God then we have no standard at all. Debi has established a plan for a Godly marriage. We must all study to show ourselves approved unto God a workman that needeth not to be ashamed rightly dividing the word of truth. When we read any book it must be with the idea that it meet the standard of truth of God's word.
posted by Anonymous on Aug. 8, 2006 at 1:45 AM
Finally I've found some balance in the 'Pearl' opinions. My sister is deeply entwined in the NGJ teaching and subscribes to ALL their opinions and I have found it rather scary to see my sister transform into an uber-submissive, switch spanking, husband worshipping woman.
I tried to read the book she loaned me which has 'transformed her marriage'(her words) and cringed with almost every page.
As for the libido issue you brought up and Debi's contradicting advice I am in a fulfilling marriage and our s*x life goes through seasons and through our mutual love, respect and healthy comunication is key to the rise and fall of libido's that we both experience from time to time.
It is refreshing to see a woman sharing her opinions so eloquently which is a stark contrast to the venom is see spat in the Pearls responses.
posted by Anonymous on Oct. 14, 2006 at 2:02 AM
A friend was given this book to read because her marriage is in trouble. I was absolutely dismayed to read the advice that Debi Pearl gives to women who are hurting, broken and in bad marriages.I am only on page 31 and so shocked and repelled by this book that I am surprised that I had not heard of it before now. Bad news get around.
I did a search on this book to see what others were saying about it since my friend told me that she felt completely defeated and discouraged by reading this book. That is how I came across this website. Thanks for your comments....they are thoughtful and right on the button. I have nothing against Debi Pearl. It just goes to show that anyone can be off on a subject and walk in error. This does not negate her faith. It simply makes her human enough to be wrong. The problem is that she is a published author.
Jesus is greater than our error. So I choose to look at Him and believe that He will take care of the women who read this book. In fact I am glad that I have been given a chance to know of this book and read it. Nothing is by accident. I may not know why I am reading it but that's ok. After 29 years of marriage it is enough to know that God brought this book across my path.
Roxy
posted by Katherine on Oct. 30, 2006 at 9:32 PM
Dear Spunky,
my friend had me read this book because she read it and absolutely loved it. She told me how it changed her marriage and wanted me to know the same blessings. So I bought it and read it, to be quite honest, I was blessed by the book but I do find error in the Pearl's doctrine of sanctification. My question is, "Can we still be blessed through the Bible verses she uses and her point of view even though she is not perfect (and a sinner-no matter what her husband says). Reading her book has opened my eyes to many things that I was doing wrong in my own marriage and I believe that there is a lot of just plain practical advise in her book, I do like all the Scripture that she uses, because I do believe that God can use Scripture to speak to your heart even if the person using it is trying to prove their agenda, God will use His Words for His purpose. To sum it all up, "Everyman is my teacher". I may not agree with everything Debi Pearl say, or that you say, or that anyone says for that matter, but I will glean what I can perceive as good from each person to help me be a better person. Even Hitler was a good public speaker. An evil person, but he knew how to draw a crowd.
posted by spunkyhomeschool on Oct. 30, 2006 at 9:45 PM
As a Titus 2 woman as she promotes herself, she is called according to the scripture to teach according to sound doctrine. This book fails that test. The idea that she quotes scipture is well taken, even Satan did that. But he did it in such a way as to corrupt the Truth. This book, corrupts the message of salvation. Women are not responsible for the complete sanctification and deliverance of sin for their husbands. That is the work of Christ on the cross. I have also noted other places where the scripture was equally twisted. Yes, a mature women can glean from this book and spit out the bones. However, this book is being read by undiscerning, undiscipled women without much knowledge of what the Truth is. As older woman we cannot only think of the small benefit this book may provide us, but also the problems it would create for another. As Christians we are called to hold each other accountable.
posted by jessicaf on Oct. 23, 2007 at 2:57 PM
Spunky doesn't sound like an 'angry feminist." In fact, she sounds like a sane, God-designed human being who has the Spirit of Christ and dislikes a yoke of slavery that misogynists who incorrectly handle the Word of God are trying to thrust on her and other women.
And the reason that so many women the Pearls are ministering to may dislike sex is that they dislike being women. And who can blame them? If I followed the Pearls' teachings, I would think that "helpmeet" meant "subserviant," instead of the truly Biblical "equal partner." And so any time I had sex, it would be just one more chore that I, as a poor, poor slave had to do to just please my husband.
And if my husband was really dumb enough to follow the Pearls' teachings, then that would be an entirely new cross I would have to bear. He would think I was beneath him. He would think I was there just to serve him. And he would take no time for me regarding sex, it would be all about himself and his own pleasure and I would just have to suffer through the act, Pearl fashion. And he would become more and more arrogant and clueless and I would have to struggle more and more to respect him and then that would make me not want to have sex with him and I would feel like a victim more and more each time I had to do it ...
No wonder the women who like her readings don't like sex. I'd hate to have to have sex with my "master" as a 'service,' too. But as it is, I like sex with my husband because he is NOTHING like the man the Pearls portray and he is a great lover and really patient and sensitive to my needs.
There is no whining or 'poor me' excuse when it comes to s8x in our home. My husband will tell you the same thing. So Lisa, your generalization is not accurate. My husband is a happy man and I am a happy woman in this area.
Angry feminist or not, I thank God for Jesus Who set me free from slavery and elevates me to where "there is no male nor female for you are all one in Christ Jesus" and Who made sex to be an enjoyable act between equals.
Treat yourself as an equal to your husband and you will like s*x more. That is my advice to those who read the Pearl books. I challenge the women who don't like s*x with their husbands to begin viewing themselves as being created with a need that it is their husband's duty to meet (the need for pleasure during s*x). Then act out on that, talk to your husband with the authority of the Word behind you (if God designed you to experience pleasure, that means He wants your husband to provide it to you) and then just think of yourself as free in Christ and equal to your husband. See if it does not revolutionize your s*x life.
And yes, I think Mr. Pearl does tell Debi what to write. I have the feeling that he is the brains behind it (He's obviously convinced her that she has to ask him before she answers certain questions). I don't think she could come up with these concepts on her own.