Extreme Parenting
Dec. 1, 2005 at 10:29 AM
Parenting
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Everyone who heard about the double murder of Kara Borden's parents by David Ludwig was saddened and shaken. Parents asked themselves, "If it happened to their children, could it happen to mine?"
In the wake of this tragedy, the Kansas City Star examined what is going on with the youth today. They place some of the blame on the electronic media available.
Many teens do seem to be in their own universe. Living in a home with parents they do not know. Between school and their electronic links there seems to be little desire for family connections. As the Bordens illustrate, this is true even in Christian homeschool families. Amish children are taught to shun modern conveniences and technology. But the room's contents suggest those who gather here have interests and hobbies not unlike teenagers from the "English" world. A line of tattered garage-sale couches face a big screen TV that's attached to a VCR and DVD player. A row of ratty recliners and other mismatched chairs sit on a riser constructed behind the couches. Video tapes and DVDs sit in messy piles around the room, and hundreds of cases line shelves built into one wall. Many of the titles would be at home in a college dorm: "Animal House," "American Pie," "Baywatch," "Wayne's World." The image of a scantily clad model smiles on a giant cardboard beer ad for Old Milwaukee hangs on one wall. Cigarette butts litter the chilly concrete floor. So what's a parent to do? Some just throw up their hands and say, "Well teens just need to go through this." They seem to be giving a "right to rebellion" with a hope that they will come out okay on the other side. While the children dabble in one extreme, parents seem to gravitate to the opposite extreme. Fearing if they hold too tightly to a standard they will lose their child. But what is often missed is the heart of their children may already be lost. Teens have one tactic that they use most often. The rules of the house. They will select one or two and decide that these are just not for them. In Kara's case it was a boy and a curfew. In another family it can be music or the computer. But the child draws a line and says, "This far and no farther will I bend." The parent responds with, "Well in my house we...." It seems that the more they argue the more the defenses go up and the relationship breaks down. They fear giving in to the demand but they fear losing the child just as much. The disagreement becomes parent against child. This is never a good strategy for either one. There is one solution. The Bible and the Joy of Discovery. So many times as a mother I have developed ideas that I have found were not necessarily rooted in the truth of scripture. Often these ideas were developed as a reaction to a particular situation or adopted because of a convincing presentation at a conference. Studying an issue again has given me an opportunity to learn, futher strengthening my convictions and walk with the Lord. Related posts by Spunky - Outsourcing Parenthood, and Don't Bend the Wire. Spunky Jr. says After I wrote this, I went over and read what Spunky Jr. had written today. Here's the last line of her post, Other Excellent Posts on Parenting - Deputy Head Mistress of The Common Room and Sparrow's Parenting by the Book
Some wonder whether the Internet and cell phones give children more places to hide. A family acquaintance said the Bordens took away Kara Beth's Internet service when they discovered her relationship with Ludwig months ago. Apparently it had been restored. Friends of Borden's and Ludwig's said the couple stayed in touch via cell phone text messages and computer instant messages, both difficult to monitor.
Some suggest moving off to a remote area. Away from "the influences". That can help in an outward way. In the same way moving a plate of cookies from my two year old keeps her from wanting one. But that "tactic" is only a temporary fix. Even the remote Amish community of Otterville, Iowa is having its struggles. Parents are battling a culture tempting their youth in their neighbor's barn.
"My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways." Proverbs 23:26
When a few local incidents happened in our area, I had a conversation with my own 15 year old son. He is not perfect by any means. But he doesn't keep me up at night worried about what he is doing or who he is with. I asked him why, even though we have our struggles, we don't see any major rebellion in him. He replied, "Mom, those parents don't have the hearts of their boys." It is so simple and yet the most difficult of choices a child will ever make. The choice to willfully honor their parents and the Lord.
A two year old can be made to obey. A fifteen year old needs to want to obey. That's the difference. The choice is theirs to make. We can't choose for them nor can we make them choose correctly. But we can make sure they know exactly what the choices are.
You hand a child the Bible and say, here is God's Word. Let's figure out what God's word says about this. Give them the liberty to study the scripture and learn truth for themselves. We need to give them the joy of discovering that God's Word does speak to us. That's the way I became convinced of truth. I remember the light bulb going off so many times as I read a passage of scripture and how it applied to my life today. Don't deny your children the same pleasure by "giving them what the Bible says." We must let God speak to our children. Our children want to make us the quarrel. They think they can battle, wear us down, and win. God's Word is able to take down the strongholds and defenses that the child and the word is tempted to build. Let them wrestle with God about this issue. The parent becomes a faciliatator in their search for understanding and truth rather than the enemy. I have found that it is a lot more pleasant walking with my children in truth than constantly pushing them in truth.
The Dating Dilemma
A friend was telling me about a man that her Christian daughter was dating. They were concerned and uncertain about what to do and asked what I would do. I asked her what her daughter's convictions were. She told me a little about what they had taught her. But in the end they were the mother's convictions and not the daughter's. All is not lost though. This is what I told her might be helpful.
Go out to dinner. Tell her that you both are going to separately look at the scripture and study what God's plan for marriage, how a man should treat a woman, and what a woman does to prepare herself for marriage. Then you give her a time frame and let her go study. You do the same. Come back together after a few weeks and discuss what you both learned. Each being willing to listen and learn from what the other has discovered.
The mother protested, "But she won't study God's word. And she isn't about to listen to my interpretation either."
I told her she had a bigger dilemma on her hand. She had a professing Christian that refuses to submit to the authority of God's Word. Dating this young man was a symptom of that problem but not the root. She had not given her heart to seeking out what God desires. At this point you must acknowledge where she actually is. Not where you want to BELIEVE that she is at. The mother paused.
We want to believe and pretend certain things about how life is. Her daughter went to church and provided enough cover to make them believe she was living a life for Christ. But when it came to denying herself and her desires for the Lord, the light of truth shined brightly. Her daughter wanted to be a Christian without surrendering her desire for the world.
Redefining the Extreme
True Christianity doesn't define the extreme by how close to the line we can get while still being a Christian. The extreme is how far from the line we can run and how close we can get to our Savior.
This is going to require extreme parenting. A parent who is willing to deny their pleasures in life for a greater pleasure to come. A parent who is willing to refuse a job or a promotion because of the time away from the family. A parent who is willing to sit next to a child on the computer and work together rather then let them build a virtual family. A parent who is willing to talk with a child and not just at them. A parent who is willing to walk daily with their child and guide them to HIS truth. A parent who is willing to tell their child daily what the real choice is but give them the liberty to make their choice. These and many more require an extreme commitment. A parent willing to die to themselves so that their children will walk with the God.
"God demonstrates his own love for us in this that while we were yet sinners HE died for us." Romans 5:8
I want to become an extreme parent....it really boils down to what we value and are we open to input from God. If so, we should listen to His leading and not our own.
13 Comments and Trackbacks
posted by parkwaymom on Dec. 1, 2005 at 10:53 AM
Spunky,
Thank you for shedding light on the importance of aligning our lives, and those of our dear children, with the Truth of God's Word. His Word changes not.
Excellent Advice!
ParkwayMom
posted by JennLovesJesus on Dec. 1, 2005 at 11:27 AM
Great post! I'm going to print that out for my husband to read. We definitely want to be extreme parents too. It's worth all the effort.
posted by Buckeyeblog on Dec. 1, 2005 at 11:42 AM
Amen, dear sister...Amen!
If you don't have your childrens' hearts, the battle is lost. I also appreciated your observation that if one is a professing Christian and will not read their Bible, that they are in rebellion. Primo!
ALWAYS enjoy your blog.
Blessings from Ohio, Kim Wolf<><
posted by TOSPUBLISHER on Dec. 1, 2005 at 4:41 PM
It's your best, yet, Spunky. I agree 100% with you on this.
A wake up call for parents - homeschool parents everywhere should read it. Excellent job.
-gena
posted by drewsfamilytx on Dec. 1, 2005 at 5:21 PM
Fabulous post Spunky! THANK YOU!
I am so glad that God brings such encouraging and wise words to me BEFORE I actually get into those situations!
Marsha
posted by lifeandtimesofanothermom on Dec. 1, 2005 at 6:32 PM
Excellent article. Now to translate that into everyday living. So will that be your next article?? :)
Thanks Spunky!
posted by PatriciaWHunter on Dec. 1, 2005 at 10:23 PM
I recently heard Josh Harris discuss the concept of purity not being a line we cross but a direction we go in in his video series based on "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". It is an excellent visual for how we are to live every part of our lives as Christians. I pray for courage and strength to be the extreme parent I need to be. Love ~ Patricia
posted by Boltbabe on Dec. 1, 2005 at 11:40 PM
Thank you for this post. This is just what I needed to read today. We are at a crossroad with our 14 yo (chk out my latest blog entry).
On a side note, I came here because I had heard form someone that a bunch of stores refuse to allow the word Christmas in any of their advertising because it might offend non-Christians. Target, Home Depot, & Lowe's are the 3 I remember off the top of my head. I can't find anything on the net. I thought you might have read this or might be able to find some facts. =)
Leslie <><
posted by JenIG on Dec. 1, 2005 at 11:47 PM
This is excellent. thank you. i actually linked to this post from my last entry (i hadn't even read it yet!) and I'm glad i did.
can't wait till we can hang out again. this time *you* guys come down *here*
:) love jen
posted by smfeet2001 on Dec. 2, 2005 at 9:04 AM
I really hope you write more on this Spunky. We are struggling with my 10 year old. He is now choosing what he will obey or not obey. We are at our wits end right now. He is a lover of Truth but yet will not obey us on some things. I know we do not have his heart. Can you tell us more about how to capture the hearts of preteens?
Thanks!!
Holly
posted by Anonymous on Dec. 2, 2005 at 1:08 PM
You need to write a book! (in all your spare time! :) )
Christina
http://www.quietcajun.blogspot.com
posted by iluvtheland on Dec. 2, 2005 at 2:09 PM
Spunky, this is the best parenting post I have read in ages. I hope that everyone who reads this stops to think about all you have said. Dh and I could have used this advice when our 2 oldest dd's were in their teens. What heartache it might have saved us.
Keep up the wonderfully insightful posts!
Kathy
posted by Sal on Dec. 4, 2005 at 9:05 PM
Spunky - oh what truth rings out in this one. My husband and I are struggling with where his 13 year old daughter is at. She does not live with us, which makes it even harder. But good words of wisdom within for our own as they grow.
This was a good one. File it under Spunky's greatest hits!