Created to be His Help Meet - Part 1
Jul. 19, 2005 at 10:52 AM
family
This is the first of several posts on Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. This post is jointly written with my husband.
Our family has benefitted from the ministry of Micheal and Debi Pearl. Their ideas on tying strings of fellowship and training are helpful as we parent our children. Their writing is direct and, whether you agree or disagree with their ideas, at least you know where they are coming from.
I read the excerpt for Debi's newest book, Created to Be His Help Meet, in their newsletter and thought that it would be equally helpful in my desire to be a better wife. Indeed, she provides many helpful reminders that are easy to forget in the day-to-day life of a busy household. Obedience, submission, and reverence are things that you can never hear too often. I am grateful that Debi is bold enough to attack these issues head on without regard to "trendy wisdom" or pop theology.
But those feelings were over-shadowed by a growing concern that in her zeal to present her case she may have moved into areas unsupported by Scripture. These areas need to be examined to determine whether they are indeed Scriptural.
The Review
Years ago, my mother played a silly trick on my dad. He loved apple pie. One day she didn't have time to prepare a pie for him so she threw a few apples and some spices into a pot and set it on the stove to simmer. Soon the house was filled with the aroma of "apple pie." But the reality was far different than the sweet fragrance. When my dad went to get a piece of the pie there was nothing there except the scent of a pie and some ingredients to make him think there was a pie. There was no substance. The truth of the pie was missing. Created to Be His Help Meet made me feel just like my dad felt that day -- disappointed and hoping for something better.
Don't get me wrong. Debi presents some important ingredients for a "heavenly marriage" but other key ingredients are missing. And some of the ingredients she uses are mixed together in such a way that the substance of a "heavenly marriage" is just not there.
What is a Heavenly Marriage?
Debi doesn't actually define a "heavenly marriage." She states, however, that one is possible solely on the basis of the woman's efforts. Consider what she writes on page 30,
It doesn't take a good man, or even a saved man to have a heavenly marriage. But it does take a woman who is willing to honor God and by being the kind of wife God intended.
The flawed premise is that as long as the woman is willing to honor God and be the kind of wife God intended, then she can have a "heavenly marriage." This puts all the weight on the woman and takes Christ, the power of the cross, and the husband out of the picture.
I agree that a foolish woman can tear down a marriage. But a wise woman can do all the right things and still her husband may depart from her. She is not a failure because he is a fool.
On the other hand, even in a good marriage, can it be called heavenly if the man is well-served but never comes to repentance or to know Christ? That's not what I call a heavenly marriage.
To me a "heavenly marriage" is one where the head of the man is submitted to Christ and in turn is the head of a reverent wife. To call a marriage heavenly simply because a woman obeys God and her husband creates an expectation that will not necessarily follow. No matter what the wife does, the man has the liberty to choose or reject Christ (and her) regardless of a woman's behavior.
Where in Scripture does God make a "heavenly marriage" or a failed marriage the sole responsibility of the woman?
Debi's Game Plan
Her prescription for a "heavenly marriage" begins with a merry heart. She states on page 26,
And the day you have a merry heart with be the first day of rebuilidng your marriage into the heavenly gift it was meant to be.
I agree that a merry heart is necessary to a marriage and I appreciate the reminder. But to say that this is the first ingredient is misleading. Consider what D. James Kennedy states as most needful to a marraige. In his book Save a Marriage, Save a Nation (Recently available free from Coral Ridge Ministries) he states on page 17,
I'll tell you what the Bible says you should do if you don't love your husband, if you haven't loved him for years, then you should go home, get down on your knees, repent of your sin, and ask the Lord and your husband to forgive you.
Without this first step, a woman is relying on future good behavior (a merry heart) to cover past sin. It's as if Debi expects that a wife can flip on the "merry" switch and that alone will atone for all past wrongs and sins.
Isn't it more appropriate to confess and repent of our sins to Jesus and our husbands first? Only after that can a "merry heart" do it's work free from the guilt and shame of sin. Then when our husbands begin to experience the joy of our merry hearts, or any other changes we may make, they will know the true source of these changes -- Jesus -- and give Him the glory.
Debi does briefly mention a woman in the Bible coming to Jesus but that's not until the end of Chapter 4. She never addresses confession and repentance to our husbands. Confessing our sins to Jesus and our husbands is critical to the full restoration of the marriage, even if our husbands refuse to confess their wrongs.
The most obvious omission comes at the end of the book when Debi speaks of Diana on p. 248. The woman's husband has left her over the single issue of the number of children they should have. Debi asserts the woman is blaspheming the Word of God and then states,
I have no answer for Diana, whose husband left her with an overflowing quiver of children to rear alone. There is no sure refuge for all the families who have split over this issue.
No answer? No refuge? Christ is our refuge. Confession and repentance are the tools He uses to bring about restoration. A "merry heart" won't take you very far without them. That is a huge ingredient of truth left out of the book.
Debi's Doctrine of Santification
Debi's idea of "complete santification" does not appear to have any Scriptural basis.
Here is her answer to a woman whose husband is having an emotional affair. She acknowledges the husband is wrong but then makes this assertion on page 29 without any supporting Scripture,
God has provided for your husband's complete sanctification and deliverance from temptation through you his wife.
I agree that the woman is part of a mutual sanctification that takes place between a husband and a wife (see Genesis 2:18 and 1 Peter 3). But to say that a woman provides for "complete santification and deliverance from temptation" is incorrect. Instead, II Timothy 2:19-22 states,
Let every one that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity. But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and of silver, but also of wood and of earth; and some to honour, and some to dishonour. If a man therefore purge himself from these, he shall be a vessel unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the master's use, and prepared unto every good work. Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart
And in Hebrews 2:18,
For in that He Himself hath suffered being tempted, He is able to succour them
that are tempted.
Christ and the husband also have a role in the complete sanctification from temptation -- arguably a greater role than the wife. Is the wife really completely responsible for the purity of her husband's thought life or behavior?
From there Debi reduces the solution to our husbands' temptations to our attractiveness. And for some odd reason resorts to unncessary name calling more often associated with immature high school girls, not a mature woman of God. From page 31,
Get down on your husband's emotional level and make yourself more attractive than that office wench and do it now, today!
I agree we are at war and that war has a physical element to it. But Debi's answer to everything seems to be a smile and a roll in the hay. (Nothing wrong with that. We didn't get 6 children without our share of fun!) But to suggest that intimacy with our husbands (more often, more exciting, whatever) is the cure misses the more important point. You can't successfully fight a spirtual battle with only carnal weapons.
The battle we are in is primarily spirtual. I know a few women who are competing with a "virtual wench" and not just computer or video images, but also words in chat rooms and voices from someone on the phone that can't be seen. We are not just in a visual competition for our husband's affection, but a spiritual one as well. A spirtual battle calls for spirtual weapons.
I prefer the approach Esther took. She used her beauty, wit, and courage but primary relied upon her greatest spiritual weapons -- prayer and fasting. Only Jesus can satisfy and cure a sinful appetite. Only Jesus can completely fill that void in a man's heart. We aren't going to do it alone by "exhausting" his desires. That's like trying to cure a drunk by giving him lots of water to drink.
"Rolling in the hay," visual appeal, and joyously pleasing our husbands all have there place, but ultimately a spiritual battle requires spiritual weapons. Debi does not mention this. Another missing ingredient.
Part 2 is here. If you choose to comment please keep it to a discussion of the book itself. Any extraneous or personal comments directed at the Pearl's or their ministry (good or bad) will be deleted.
11 Comments and Trackbacks
posted by LoneStarMama on Jul. 19, 2005 at 11:30 AM
You are a brave soul! I keep reading about this book everywhere and people keep saying it is "the" book for wives. This should be interesting : )
posted by trina on Jul. 19, 2005 at 11:31 AM
How many times have you heard someone say, "If that were MY child, I'd....?" Amusingly enough, those folks often don't even have children. I don't know the author of the book you're reviewing, or her history, but it makes me wonder if she's read "weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice."
I endured a 19 year marriage to man that I believed was a Christian. I was operating and thinking under that presumption. But things didn't make sense. NOTHING made sense, because if he were a Christian, he wouldn't do this...and he would do that...and he would understand and have a certain amount of wisdom.
One day, the unfathomable thought came to me..."Hey, maybe he's not a Christian." And then, EVERYTHING made sense. My eyes were opened, and I couldn't believe that it had taken me 17-18 years to figure it out. But it wasn't until I received that revelation knowledge that my life forever changed. Don't hate the devil for being bad, that's his job...it's what he does. Don't hate a non-Christian for acting like a heathen...that's what they do. When I finally realized that lightness and darkness were trying to co-habitate, I knew its "name." It had a face...I saw the enemy! From that point, darkness had to flee.
I spent over a year in counseling with some beautiful people at my church. They told me that one of two things would happen...he would either change or he would leave, because darkness cannot reside with lightness. Well, he left. The clouds lifted, the lightning ceased, the burden was erased, the yoke was broken, and new life began.
I've remarried, and I'm in the Promised Land. And it had to have been ordained by God, because no one who is out of the will of God can be as happy and full of joy as I have been since I've been united with the love of my life.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts; because through reading them, I'm reminded (again) of how wonderfully blessed I am. However, it makes my heart cry out for those who are being counseled by people who have never experienced the very ordeals they're trying to counsel.
posted by VictoriaCarrington on Jul. 19, 2005 at 11:37 AM
Your comments are always so balanced. Thank you for "bringing it back" to Scripture as you frame your discussion. I have become convicted that I need to stay closer to Scripture myself. I find this as difficult as I come across many ideas that are well-written and have some truth in them but may not be aligned with Scripture. I look forward to continuing this study with you and your husband.
posted by MommyInSC on Jul. 19, 2005 at 11:56 AM
I haven't read the book, but wrote something about my thoughts on it BEFORE reading it in my blog this morning. I had heard so many opinions I wanted to give one and see if the book measured up to what I thought. My book was ordered over the weekend, should be here soon.
Good for you for going back to Scripture. I fear that the church as a whole, keeps telling women to submit (which is definitely a Godly thing to do and Scriptural) but the church does not tell women how to draw HEALTHY boundaries within that submission. I fell for that for many years and praise God my eyes were eventually opened. It is deceptive and hurting more women then helping IMO. You can't just tell women to submit and everything will be just dandy. Women need to submit in a healthy way without completely losing themselves.
I look forward to reading more of your thoughts =)
<><
Bethany
posted by Donnabooshay on Jul. 19, 2005 at 12:03 PM
It took me a while to see what Debi's book was missing...but I finally hit on the lack of teaching on forgiveness and repentance. Also I noticed that the motivation was somethimes wrong.
You point it out well.
That being said, I am using this book with some young women here in town, and I am frequently pointing to the need for forgiveness and correct motivations.
i.e. We treat our husbands in such a way as to honor God and to do it as unto the Lord...not because they will behave a certain way if we do.
And by the way I have already seen an amazing change in one of the women...
The paragragh that inspired her was silly in my eyes...but God used it and for that I am thankful! God is bigger than this book and He has used it in this case to bring about repentance and change in the life of a teachable young wife.
He is a Great and Merciful God!
I can't wait to read what else you have to say about the book.
Donna
posted by sparrow on Jul. 19, 2005 at 2:01 PM
I tried to post a comment about this. Did I cross the line and get deleted? I don't think I said anything negative, but I'd like to know so I can be more careful in the future. Thanks.
posted by spunkyhomeschool on Jul. 19, 2005 at 2:43 PM
No sparrow. I didn't delete anything from you. It must not have gone through for some reason. Feel free to try again.
Spunky
posted by sparrow on Jul. 19, 2005 at 3:07 PM
*blush* I commented on your other blog. My bad! Thanks.
posted by underhiswings on Jul. 19, 2005 at 5:10 PM
I have been waiting for your comments on this book. My Bible study is discussing this book this summer along with going through the Psalms. At first, I couldn't understand why there were women who had problems with this book. But, I so appreciate what you have said. I see your point and the lack of some significant Scriptural things. Why do I so often forget to engage my brain? I have been learning the depth of my selfishness and some other valid things from her book. I think that there are things that many women could learn from it as so much feminism has crept into the church.
This leads to another topic, though. Do we use something that lacks Scriptural accuracy just because it has some positive outcomes (I am thinking also of the hype over the Passion of the Christ) or do we dismiss it all together, or do we caution people? At what point are we blaspheming the Word of God in these things?
I am going to bring up the points that you made with my friend, who is leading the study. I think it does need to be brought out into the open. I look forward to hearing more of what you have to say.
posted by jimiki on Jul. 19, 2005 at 5:32 PM
Thanks so much for your thoughts on the book. I'm still reading it and also struggling with it. The issues you addressed I have also struggled with as I was reading it. Even though there are things ( and a lot of them) that I don't quite agree with ( I think you point them out very nicely), I have already benefited in a lot of ways from what I've read. For one, my husband and I have had a lot of great discussions on different things I could not keep quite about. Thankfully in our marriage we agree that communication is the key for understanding.
He's pointed out a lot of ideas I hadn't even seen. It's been wonderful. I came to realize that so often when we talk about marriage relationships we talk about "the other person's" resposibilities, when it is our responsibilities as a husband or a wife the author of the book is concentrating on. He's recently read the book "Every Man's Battle" which to him had a similar feel as Debi's book. Arterburn and Stoeker talk ONLY about man's responsibilities even when their wives are clearly in the wrong. I think the same is true in Debi's book. No matter what your husband does or is like you have your responsibilities and nobody will take them away from you. That might not make your marriage "heavenly" but it will certainly be pleasing to the Lord. Whereas we are often so concerned about our rights and ways.
I'm also looking forward to the further discussion on the topic. Thanks once again for being so open and up front with your thoughts.
posted by LeadershipEducation on Jul. 23, 2005 at 8:45 PM
Thank you so much for reviewing this book. I bought the book from a fellow vendor back in June and started reading it immediately. After the first chapter I began to feel uneasy with comments Debi was making. For awhile, I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
You summed it up well...a smile and a roll in the hay don't solve all our marital problems. There seemed to be lots of advice to be with your husband, which I think is a great thing. But, I think there are deeper issues, the root problem, for many of these ladies. Repentance of our sins for both husband and wife cures many ills. Also, keeping a short sin account of others.
I have some more thoughts and want to write my own review. I guess I need to finish the book, first. After getting half-way through it, I just didn't care about finishing it. Since I have younger women on my newsletter list, I do need to finish it so I can post a review.
For the time being, I will be sending them to your blog...thanks!
Kerry Beck
www.CurriculumConnection.net