Thursday, March 20, 2008 - A link

Okay, so bear with me as I practice adding links!

Here's my new blog link:
My Supplications

I hope that works!

But if it doesn't, be patient with me as I try to learn something that I have no idea of!!

• 1 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Thursday, March 20, 2008 - I'm moving

Well, it's come to pass.

I've moved. 

I know. 

I've been contemplating it for a long time but didn't really know how to do it on my own.  Finally, my plea for help was answered by my dear friend Grace 4 Gayle

She created a great new blog for me over at Blogspot!

The only things I may regret are losing my HSB friends, if you all choose not to visit me at blogspot, and not being able to move all of my old posts from HSB over to my new blog for new folks to read.  But they'll still be here and I won't delete this blog so I can go back and read it and refer to it every now and then.

And I have NO idea how I will remedy that last concern, since I am so NOT a talker (har har!) and I just don't KNOW what I'll talk about over there!!!

Yeah right!

It's not horribly painful for me to move, since I trust that the ones who really like my blog will visit me over there.

Won't you???

Say you will, or I'll cry!!!

So I won't be posting on this blog anymore.

Come over and join me.

And if I forgot anyone on my blog roll, please find it in your generous hearts to forgive me, and let me know in your comment!!

I tried to post a link to my blog over at blogspot, but it told me the link couldn't be found....bear with me as I learn all this stuff!

I love you all and I hope and pray that you will come and visit me!

• 0 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Tuesday, March 18, 2008 - A Quote

I saw this quote on a gal's blog that I read and it really inspired me and leveled me at the same time.  It helped me to regain my focus.  This gal whose blog I read just delivered a beautiful baby girl yesterday morning who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 many months ago at a routine ultrasound.  She and her husband have no idea what to expect from here on.  She has traveled this long road with grace and fortitude, and I can only hope and pray, in the face of my small trials, that I can do the same and be a testimony to God's complete and utter faithfulness, because that's what He's been to me these past months. Faithful. I hope the quote touches you as it has me.

"The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome.  The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no valleys to traverse."
Helen Keller

• 1 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Tuesday, March 18, 2008 - Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

Ugh.

That's all I have to say....

Let me explain.

It's that time of the month for me.  This means that I am fertile.  It appears that, even though I suffered very severe hemorrhaging just a month ago, obviously there is not going to be a break in my fertility.  It's not like we are having to wait for my cycle to return, because......

It's here.

Yep.  God has a sense of humor, but frankly, I myself am not laughing.

After losing 4 cups of blood just 4 weeks ago, apparently it's now time to lose some more.

I'm feeling very, very tired and nauseated.  I'm fine when I'm sitting still, but when I get up or do anything, nausea comes like a huge wave.  So what do you think I'm doing, mowing the lawn? Not exactly.  I'm on the computer, checking in with everyone and sharing DETAILS with you people!

I won't appall you with gory details, but I will say that it is very heavy.  Thus the weakness, tiredness and nausea, so close on the heels of catastrophic blood loss.  My blood count was still very low last week, but oh well!

My husband has told me to take it very, very easy for the next couple of days.  And in an effort to staunch the flow, I had a cup of red raspberry leaf tea, which is usually wonderful for a bad period or PMS, and is very helpful if you suffer from insomnia, as red raspberry leaf contains large amounts of readily available calcium.  I recommend it for those of you who have bad periods and severe PMS.

I also have a headache when I stand up.  This is due to anemia.  It went away a couple of weeks ago, but now it's back. 

Can I just have some chocolate here???

• 4 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Saturday, March 15, 2008 - Yet another doctor's appointment

Yesterday was my 4 week checkup with by OB/GYN.  It was actually just like a 6 wk postpartum checkup, without the oohing and aahing over a newborn baby. 

My doctor and I talked about lots of things, and he wanted to know how my frame of mind was.  He was very careful over that, and not just how I was doing physically.  That's one of the things that I like about my doctor.  He asked about how I was doing mentally, so I told him.

I told him I felt like I was still having trouble adjusting mentally.  I told him I felt like what I am going through emotionally feels an awful lot like post-traumatic stress.  I talked about the state of my emotions and how I think my miscarriages had traumatized me, especially that last one. 

I was a little apprehensive talking to him about all that, for fear he'd look at me quizzically like he'd never heard of a woman feeling any of that before.  I talked hesitantly, somewhat nervously, thinking he'd think I was off my rocker and be REALLY concerned then about me.

But do you know what he said??

He said what I was feeling and thinking was totally normal after a traumatic loss like I had experienced. 

Imagine my relief! He understood and I was normal!!

He was so gracious, so compassionate in just the right way, not overly sappy, but very caring.  It was easier talking to him after that.  I actually had no idea he was even going to want to know about the state of my emotions and mind.  I had thought it was just an appointment to check my red blood cell counts.  But he did want to know how I was really doing, and so I decided not to candy coat it for him or frost my thoughts or emotions with pink sprinkly frosting. 

And my state of mind is normal!

Whew.  Nobody at the office thinks I'm a weirdo.

That's a relief, to know that he cares about the whole me!

He offered me a listening ear, followed by a few prescription drugs such as a mild anti depressant, a drug called Buspar for anxiety, and a mild form of hormonal birth control, just to get my emotions and my hormones where they needed to be.  All of these would be temporary, he assured me......but he didn't force me to take them.  He actually said that even knowing they were available and that I could have them if I decided to may be enough to help me over the hump. 

He knows us and the way we choose to live, so he also suggested St John's Wort for me. 

Any other doctor would have those prescriptions written out and shoved at me first thing, no questions asked, not taking no for an answer.  Not so my doctor.  He told me to go home and talk to my husband and then call him to let him know what I had decided. 

I know, you gals already love him, and sorry, he isn't taking new patients right now!! lol!!

He then proceeded to do the exam and to let me know that he was very concerned about the recurring miscarriages, especially the last one that was so physically devastating for my body.  He wanted to find out why I was suddenly having miscarriages and try to help me have a pregnancy that my body can sustain.  He also said that sometimes it's okay to give your body a rest, especially after being so severely anemic.  He ordered a battery of different blood tests, I think there were 8 vials of blood taken, or something like that.....

My husband said, "oh great, now that your blood count has come up a bit, they want to TAKE more blood! Is that good for you right now?" My mom actually said that too! But I told my husband that certain things are necessary if we want to find out what's the deal and have a healthy pregnancy with a real baby at the end, and he understood.  He just cares very much about my health and he sees where I am physically.  What a sweet man, sorry gals, he's taken, and there's only one like him in the world, and he's MINE!!! lol!

So my doctor is screening me for all kinds of weird stuff I've never heard of before, but some of the stuff he's looking for I've heard of, like some type of lupus, and some sort of anti-coagulating blood thing, and my thyroid numbers (I have a goiter on or in my thyroid that's been there since my son was born.  He's 13 next month and we've never been able to figure out why it's there.  That's another post, though!).  I'll find out the results next week sometime.  I will go in for another appointment next Tuesday to talk about it all.  He was alarmed that my gums are so white when they've usually been a healthy pink.  That lead him to want to check my red blood cell count again. 

At the end of our talk he told me to go out and have some steak and some more iron and he'd see me next week.

This whole journey these past 6 months has been so hard for me, because it's been unchartered waters for us.  And this next stage of the game is no less daunting, because we've never been here before either.  You know, getting down to the  why's of what's going on here.

*sigh*

I mean, don't get me wrong here, I've heard of women having many more miscarriages than me, and I told the doctor that, but he looked at me like, not you, not women who have had so many successful pregnancies and nary a miscarriage ever.

I'm not trying to garner sympathy from you out there.  I just wanted to tell you where we were and maybe you could pray for us, for what exactly, I don't know. 

Maybe for endurance right now for my family, because not only is my health in the toilet right now, there are all sorts of other things  happening within my family right now.

Please pray for us.  Pray that we will come out of this trial shining for the Lord, stronger and tougher and more in love with Him and closer as a family.

And pray for my body.  I have some special needs and have to have just the right supplements to balance my body, otherwise it's UGLY around here!!! lol!

Thanks......and I'll let you know how my blood looks!!

• 7 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 - Organizing things

Well, today I tackled some cupboards that just HAD to be organized and I was truly dreading it! I was supposed to do it last week, but you know how it goes, one thing leads to another leads to another and before you can say Jack Robinson, the week is over and you didn't get to it!!!

Now I can say, with pride and satisfaction, that it's done and it won't taunt me anymore!! And boy, does it look good and now there's ROOM for everything!

I so wish I could post before and after pics.  Believe me, it would make Flylady run very far away to get away from my before house! 

I threw lots of stuff away.  I just did it.  Even though a houseful of kids stood around me asking questions and lamenting in breathless voices over what I was getting rid of....

I tend to be ruthless.  Hasta la vista, baby! Begone, great piles of clutter and crud!

You know, organizing is a freeing experience.  It's also a motivating experience, and I could easily bite off more than I can chew, endurance-wise, right now.  Little things lead to big things, at least with me.

And actually, this organizing tangent I've been on turned out to be a blessing....

 I had a vision, after reading The Nester for about a week, of what I would do with the blank 14 ft long wall that you see when you walk into my house.  This wall has been staring me in the face for 7 years now, and the last few months, it has gotten unbearable.  So, I thought I would jazz it up a little with a shelf that I already have, spray painted a dark chocolate brown, with wooden letters that I would decorate myself spelling out FAMILY, and a variety of different sizes of pictures of my, well, family, all the same chocolate brown color, under this shelf, kinda like Cindy at Still His Girl's bathroom.  The problem was going to be the cost of the frames! Yikes! That was a major deterrent........until I cleaned out those cupboards and drawers!!

I came up with enough frames to start me off on this wall of mine, and I was inspired, by The Nester's post today, to paint all of these frames a uniting color!!!! Ding Ding Ding!!!  The light goes on!!! And I saved myself about $150 at least!

Yes, that little rabbit trail I indulged in above IS relevant to this post, because I am reclaiming junk I already had and making it fit into the scheme I have in my head, and it's all because I organized!!......Yeah, sometimes it's scary in my head, and thank the good Lord that only I can hear it in there!!!!

I want to spur you guys on to maybe organize some of your cupboards and closets and armoires and drawers!! Who cares that it nearly tired me out for the rest of the day....I discovered stuff!!! You can too, so leave me a comment telling me how wonderful your organizing efforts were and what you found that you can "feather your nest" with! That's my new favorite term now....so I'm going to use it a lot when I talk about my home and what madness I intend to inflict on it!

Oh, one more thing! If you haven't already, and your house is in need of some "feathers", go over and read The Nester today!  She even has an etsy store where she sells these fringe creations that she makes that you might like!

Now, go on, GO already!!!!

• 3 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Monday, March 10, 2008 - Owie

You guys, my heart is killing me.

Not physically.

It's much more serious than that.

I find, this afternoon, that my heart is in anguish, way down deep.

I haven't talked about it a lot lately, or at all, in fact.  It's like, my body is done bleeding, so let's put all that pain, that anguish, those things that nobody wants to talk about, away. Box them up and put them up in the attic, but don't take them down and look at them anymore.  If I ignore them, they'll go away, right??

Wrong.

Here I am, almost 4 weeks after my miscarriage, in acute pain.  It's like a bit of a physical pain.  I'm hurting!

Some days it gets a lot better and almost goes away.  But some days, something will happen, or I'll read something that will poke a hole in my carefully concealed and wrapped up heart.  Or maybe I'll just be hormone-ing out that day, like today...or wait, every day, because my hormones are totally out of control....

 My heart is in agony right now.  I'm trying so hard to lean on the Lord.  I'm also trying so hard to be 'over it', you know what I mean? Hey, come on, you weren't that far along....or, wow, lots of people have miscarriages....or, stop it, your family needs you to be on-the-ball! Those are the thoughts that go through my head. 

I'm trying to immerse myself in scripture and think about the Lord.....and my heart still hurts, even in the midst of hearing Him speak to me and worshiping Him, even in the midst of having my friends over to a party yesterday, and I'm looking around, thinking how blessed I am, and my heart still hurts! I still cry a lot, inside. 

The truth is, and this is what I know, is that I NEED to let that part out! I need to wear my heart on my sleeve....only with people who I feel safe with.  Who know me and understand me.

And I feel safe here.  This is me here.  The me you see and read here on my blog is the me you would find if you came over to my house, or if we had lunch together.....I'm just me.

And I hurt.  It's like I have to do some breathing to get that storm, down in the deep parts of my midsection, to settle down.  Have you ever been there and felt what I'm talking about??

My dear friend Barb in VA asked me recently, "Have you allowed yourself to grieve?"  She meant, have I given myself permission to let it all go?? I have to say, if I'm hurting like this, I guess I haven't.

My heart knows that my Lord is very present here, and that He is definitely holding me.  He walks before me and behind me and beside me...I mean, that's what the Word says.  I know that and believe that and cling to that, but it's my mind that can't seem to get it, you know?? I wish my heart would kick my mind's you-know-what so that my mind could get on board with my heart and get me out of this pain I'm in! Did you get that????

My heart feels like a fancy, beautiful platter, all piled high with stuff, and the pile keeps growing and growing, and you know what happens when you keep heaping stuff on a platter, right? It starts falling off! The stuff starts coming off onto the floor or the table or wherever.......I look like I'm doing really well on the outside, but my heart is that platter.  Overflowing!

So that's what's on my mind today, gals.  It's not over.....and the day grows ever longer, and the pain waits.....

• 4 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Saturday, March 8, 2008 - Blah blogs and randomness

I figured out why not many ladies read my blog.

It's visually uninteresting.

No pictures, no cute side bars, no fancy buttons. 

And it's all my fault!

I've wanted to link to all of my friends and put up buttons when someone like Chickadee was having a party, or whatever like that....

I don't know how to do any of that.  Let me rephrase that.  Duckygirl showed me, via a phone lesson, how to post pictures on my blog a long time ago, but I can't remember quite how to do it! I'm sorry, I just have a hard time retaining the knowledge of how to do something if I don't do it all the time, or if I talk myself into believing it's hard....pity me!!!!

You remember a few posts ago when I cried out for help from you computer savvy chicks. 

Well, I realize that apparently help with designing my blog either costs money or means a move over to Blogspot.

Believe me, I've been contemplating a move.  I really have.  But I don't know how I feel about that.  I already have an account over there, a blog, but I never use it......

I'll tell you the painful truth...

I just don't know how to use my blogspot blog.  Period.

And I'm tired of myself for it!!!

At this point, this season in my life, with what I'm going through, I'm so incredibly ready for some big changes, only I don't know what those changes should be.

I'm ready to ramp up my wardrobe! I've thought about changing my hair a tiny bit.  I contemplate letting my inner interior undesigner come out......But it all takes money. 

And I'm guessing it takes money to have my blog designed to my specs too.

The homiest and most appealing blog I've seen is The Nester.  Such appealing colors and it's actually rather relaxing.....not to mention that the girl is absolutely stinkin' amazing as a designer and a home decorator.  I'm envious! And she's awakened some slumbering desires in me to "feather my nest", if you will....not only my home but my blog too...

*sigh*

Nothing important or earth shaking tonight, my friends....just a restless nesting instinct, probably party post partum and partly due to ladies like The Nester, who've brought to life dormant dreams and ideas...

You really must go check out The Nester......she's amazing.  And funny.  And beautiful.  And she can wield that glue gun like a six shooter, so watch out!

You can find her on Chickadee's blogroll......or you can google her.

Do it.  And you too will be miserable with your current blah walls and windows.....but you'll be inspired!!!

And if I had a more exciting, homey, sassy blog, then more ladies would want to read me......right???

• 6 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Monday, March 3, 2008 - Gentle reminders

Allow me to ask a question here, ladies:

Have you lost your focus?

I have.

I find myself in a rut.  Viewing each day as drudgery, sameness, boring, if you will.....

And as I write these words, it comes to my mind that I've allowed myself to fall into that rut!

I'm asking the Lord to show me how to get out of this rut, and He has answered me, very quickly, with some things that I already knew, but just have allowed myself to forget.

He reminded me that homeschooling is a PRIVILEGE! And He also was so kind as to remind me why! Let me share those thoughts with you, and perhaps it will help you get out of your rut as you remember why you chose to homeschool in the first place.

We're shaping lives here! We get to see every moment of discovery.  We have the privilege of sharing each new joy with our children, every day, whether it be the new color of crayon in the box that they never noticed before, a new pencil just waiting to be used, or a brand new workbook, all bright and shiny-new, beckoning them to delve in.  We're seeing character develop, and we're actually assisting in that process!

We get to kiss every skinned knee and soothe away the pain of every bruised elbow.

We get to be the queen of their hearts.

We get to trace every tear track down their soft cheeks as we gently wipe them away, and hear each word that comes out of hearts that are feeling things for the first time.

We get a front row, free admission seat to each song and dance that come out of developing imaginations! Whether they be sweet or silly, we get to see them first.

As God reminds me of these things I've so quickly forgotten, I see that this isn't drudgery, boredom, or sameness!! And I feel the shame and chagrin for allowing myself to fall into that rut.  Shame on me for allowing myself to fall asleep, to slip into that attractive trap of complacency!

Thank God that I don't have to send these precious, malleable lives off somewhere for someone else to witness those rewards.  Thank God that someone else doesn't get to be the queen of their hearts!

I'm awake now, refreshed and ready to take the wheel again, to climb out of that pit of despondency and drudgery.  I pray, for myself and for you, dear mama, that we would have a soft hearts, so that we can hear and see God when we need a reminder to keep those blessings ever before us.

• 4 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Thursday, February 28, 2008 - another touching song

Here's another touching song, this time from my Sara, who is 7 yrs old.

We were getting ready to sing "This is My Father's World" for our song during together Bible time in the morning, and as we started to sing, Sara said " I don't know all the words! I only know half, like the part 'all nature sings and round earrings'....

Oh, did we laugh!

What a bright, glittering moment from my gal, who makes all of life bright and glittering!

• 3 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 - Oasis

The desert...
Hot, parched.
Sun beats down
Dry, stark, barren.
No shade, no shelter.
So thirsty.

I look...
sand all around, blazing sand.
No water.
I cry
"Oasis!"

Agony of soul, fire of heart,
no end in sight.
Skin cracked, burning throat.
I cry
"Oasis!"

Desperately seeking.
Mind numbed, anxiety building.
Horizon approaching.
Slowing, now crawling,
gasping for air.
I cry
"Oasis!"

Over the ridge
I see!
Shimmering water,
crystal, icy cold.
Palm trees beckon.
Running now, hope in sight.
Shelter.
I cry
"Oasis!"

Without thought
I dive.
Enveloped in blue green silence,
wet coolness engulfs me.
Golden light dances.
Hands open, arms thrown out,
no need for air.
Surrounded, cradled.

Diamond depths,
no fear now.
Relief finds me.
I bask, slake my thirst,
cool my spirit.
I remain....

This is
my oasis.

• 2 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Monday, February 25, 2008 - Crumbs on bare feet and other pet peeves!

I'm fresh out of post ideas.....

Actually, that isn't quite true. 

I've got lots of post ideas, but the last thing I want for my blog to become is serious, too deep, or too high-and-mighty.  I want to weave some fun in here too, some lightness and laughter.  So, I decided to post about some of my pet peeves, and I want to here about yours too! Here we go:

~Crumbs on my bare feet.  YUCKY!
~The sound of chewing, like chewing potato chips or something crunchy.

~When my bangs get too long and hang in my eyes.

~A house that smells of dirty, stinky dogs.

~Constantly having to put our sectional couch back together, and the fact that it's black/multi colored Southwestern style.  I want a new couch!!!!!

~The fan in the bathroom being left on.

~Not having any perfume.

~Hair spray that leaves white flakes.

~Deodorant that doesn't work.

~Being woken up from a sound sleep!

Okay, I don't want this post to turn too negative, so I'll stop there.  Some of those things I've just decided to live with, but come one, you can totally do something about the hair spray that leaves white flakes or the deodorant that doesn't work!

What are some of your pet peeves??? You know you have some! Let's hear it!

• 4 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Thursday, February 21, 2008 - Computer chicks, I need your help!!!

I'm sick of the look of my blog!

It's so not even me!

My husband saw it and he said, "Honey, you ought to learn how to make your blog look cute! You ought to play around with it and see what you can do!"

To which I thought:
a) I have absolutely NO interest in computer stuff,
b) I don't have the faintest, foggiest idea how to even begin to personalize my blog,
c) really, I don't even remember how to post pictures, let alone design a whole new blog template........
and d) did I mention that I don't even WANT to learn to design a blog??

Really, my mind becomes mush when I think about computer stuff! I am so not interested in doing it myself! 

But I really, really, really want something different, something so cute and snappy and so classy, that reflects my personality....and I feel powerless to do that, and I don't even care about feeling powerless!

All of you out there who love to fiddle with things of the technical nature are probably disgusted with me, scoffing at me, or outright laughing because you all know how "easy" it is to design your own blog! Well, laugh, be disgusted, and mock all you want, it ain't something that's gonna happen in the near future!

Will someone out there who loves me and reads my blog and wants to, will you take pity on me and do it for me??????? PLEASE????????? I am so tired of looking at the sterile template that I chose, and HSB doesn't offer that many good choices.......

Now, if it were someone out there who needed an original recipe for a party or dinner, I'm allllllllll over that one! Do you need some cards made for occasions? I'm on that one too! I love to do those kinds of things.....

But I'm a techno-zero, totally paralyzed on the computer, don't have any idea how to do it all..........

Can anyone help me????? I've seen some of you with your own templates, even on HSB..........

If you don't want to or can't help me, I guess I will just *suffer* the ordinary every time I log in to my blog........

Maybe we can swap? Scrapbook pages, recipes, hand made cards, what?????

I expect lots of comments on this one, gals!

• 5 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Monday, February 18, 2008 - My assesment

Okay, I went to the doctor this morning.

I was scared.  Apprehensive.  Nervous.  Waiting.

My husband went with me, because you all know by now how cool, awesome, wonderful, and fabulous he is.  He took the day off to be with me.  I love you, honey!

So my blood work came back very quickly.  My CBC (red blood cell count) was very low, Dr said it was borderline transfusion level.  He said that he would have transfused me, had it been a few years earlier, but he felt that with my health and the measures we're taking to get me back to health, that I didn't need a transfusion.  My white blood cell count was totally normal.  My HcG levels are down to 45.  So we are certain that the worst of this saga is over.  Dr said that within 2-4 weeks I should be back to normal.

Physically.

I have been spending lots of time thanking the Lord lately.  For many things, actually.  For my husband, but you already knew that! For my health, for another day.  For another breath, and another moment here.  There's nothing like a near-death experience to change one's focus!

After going to the doctor today, we went over the river to Oregon to our naturopath's office to get some supplements.  As I was getting into the car, God spoke to my heart.  He said that I needed to spend more time appreciating and loving these 6 children that I DO have, instead of always being focused on those that I DON'T have and maybe never will.  That I need to content my soul with these precious treasures around me.  I needed to live here, in the present, instead of focusing my eyesight on the future, which is not even certain! 

OUCH!

This word of admonishment is very hard to hear, for me.  I want other babies! Intensely!

But I have to put that to rest right now, in favor of what's right in front of me.  If I live in the past or the future instead of the right-here, I'm going to miss so much! I've already missed so much, in the last 6 months, and it's due to focusing on me and what I'VE been going through. I've been so in tune with my emotions, my body, my feelings, my tears, my heart, my this and that and this and that, blah blah blah!

I'm yearning, panting, to live free again! To just live a normal life, where I CAN appreciate my children.  I want to live a life without thousands of doctor visits, arm pokes, weigh in's, this number and that number........it has really wreaked havoc on me!

I want to be done with all of it and be free from all of these seesawing emotions! I want to wake up in the morning and take the entire day to play with my kids, read to them, listen to them, help them with schoolwork, cook for them, WITHOUT suddenly crying!

I long to just spread my wings and fly way up high, above all of these feelings........and just allow these entangling thoughts and tears to drop off of me!

I want to! I long to! I NEED to, for the health and well being of my family! I need to be strong enough to be able to bake my bread again, to be able to make homemade oatmeal for my kids, to be able to cook dinner again. 

I need to do all of that to return to some semblance of normalcy, to bring my family back to okay, normal, you know??

Can I wait 2-4 weeks? Should I just listen to my body? Should I just take it one day at a time?

Ah, the rambling posts that nobody can make sense of! I'm sorry for such randomness, but it helps me to sort things out, to unload, to look at my thoughts and put them in a bit of a better order.

I think everyone's getting tired of Mama being down.  My kids are probably missing my bread and my goodies and my dinners. 

I started drinking fresh carrot juice today.  It's lauded as a mega-restorative for your blood.  Plus, Dr said that I could have steak anytime I wanted! Yep, we've got plenty of red meat out in the big freezer! Grilled steak, mashed taters and beef gravy! YUM!  I'm supposed to eat often.....good thing, since I'm pretty hungry all the time!!

I've made my assesment, through this post, and my final thoughts?

I think I'll be okay, and I think God will heal my heart and emotions and make me whole again, because He keeps His word and is faithful and true and what He promises, He will do.

"...for He maketh sore and bindeth up, He woundeth, and His hands make whole."

• 6 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Sunday, February 17, 2008 - Update

Yesterday I managed to sit on the couch all day.  I checked my email and read some blogs.  I thought I felt pretty good and I was like, hey, I knew I'd be back on my feet within 48 hours! 

Sure.  Best plans and all of that!

I called my husband to ask him if it was okay for me to go in the kitchen and make a big pot of chicken soup.  He said no way, that I didn't need to get up yet, to give myself a day or so more to get 'up to snuff', as he called it....

Good thing I took his advice!

I didn't nap at all yesterday, and last night I didn't fall asleep till after 11:30. 

This morning when I opened my eyes, the first order of business was to go potty.

As soon as I got out of bed, I could tell that I felt awful.  No cramps, no increase of blood, but just heavy, weak, tired.

And starved! I had been awake since 7, looking at the clock, wondering if I should get up and make my own breakfast, (which probably would have really upset my husband because I need to be on bed rest right now), and I decided to just wait, try to fall back to sleep, or pray that my oldest daughter, who is an early riser, would get up and take pity on me, because by 7:30, I was pretty much getting ready to chew the sheets!!!

So I think at 8:30 I decided to try to get dressed, for the first time since Thursday, and see if I could do it myself.

I guess, sometime last night, I overdid it.  I bet it was when I took a shower, with my husband sitting on the toilet seat with the laptop, just making sure I was okay.  I think that shower trashed me! I couldn't even dry off my legs! But I could now stand to be in the same room with myself, and I was clean!

Now, here I sit/lay, back in my bed, semi propped up on pillows, feeling really tired! I think it was the combo of the shower and the late/restless night that pulled me back down.

My parents are coming over after church to eat enchiladas with us for my dad's birthday.  No, I'm NOT making the enchiladas, my girls are going to do that! We put chicken breasts in the crock pot last night on low, and from here, it's pretty easy.

I'm so tired, soooooo tired. 

Husband went to church with our oldest daughter and our 5 year old daughter, and everyone else stayed here to help out, and because he didn't want to leave me by myself.

I guess this is kind of a rambling, no point post, but I think I'm lonely right now, and I just wanted to touch the outside world.  To talk to someone out there! I'm definitely overly emotional, and burst into tears at the drop of the proverbial hat.......

GayleB, do you think Old Creekside will do a home visit, with that Brie Mushroom Bisque and a taco salad thrown in???

I go to the doctor tomorrow morning, so I'll have more info on how my body is doing, probably by afternoon.  Yeah, you'll get another boring installment from me!!

I've gotta go potty.  Thank God the potty is about 5 feet away.

• 6 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Friday, February 15, 2008 - My husband

Today I was reading everyone's posts in tribute to their loved ones, and although it is not the 14th anymore, I feel the need to write a tribute to my husband, after the night we had last night.

Bear with me.

I felt weird yesterday, all day, so I rested a lot.  Many of you know that I was in the midst of my second miscarriage.  It hadn't happened yet, but last night, it all came to a head, starting at 10 pm.  Most of you out there have given birth, so believe me when I tell you that it was the most traumatic, scariest, most physically horrible thing that I or my husband have ever been through or witnessed.

I almost bled to death, for real.  Literally.  I kid you not.  I watched as my very life's flow gushed out of me.  And my husband was there.  The whole time.  Never left me for one minute, late at night.

And he was scared to death too.  We finally decided it was time to go to the hospital, if we could get me off the bathroom floor without me passing out, which I almost did twice. 

But God, in His mysterious and greater mercy than I have ever seen before, decided that we wouldn't have to go to the hospital.  He allowed my body to finish the work it had set out to do, praise be to our God.

And my unflappable, cool-as-a-cucumber husband was there every step of the way.  He never once lost his composure or panicked.  He was my strong rock, when I was laying on the floor in a state of semi-consciousness, sweating and nauseated and really scared.  He even sat on the edge of the tub and caressed the hair behind my ear.  That, along with the cool bathroom floor and the open bathroom window, brought me back from the brink in the very palm of my Father, Who was also there and never once left or slept or slumbered.

You know, if any of you out there have ever hemorrhaged, you know how awful it is, how very messy it is, right? Well, it was all of that and more, and my knight never even flinched.

Gals, this goes above and beyond the call of duty.  My love bank, in a strange way, is totally filled by the selfless love of this man for me in my darkest hour.

I honestly, I kid you not, thought that I was going to die, and I begged God not to take me yet.  In His unfathomable way, He gave me another day, another breath.  Another moment on earth to appreciate my man.

This man, whom God so graciously allowed me to borrow for an unknown amount of time, gently washed me.  He stroked my face.  He was also funny, to try to calm me down and occupy my mind.  I love him so much more than I did two days ago.

Early this morning, this man who is my husband called in sick to work to take care of me.  After finally getting me into a totally immaculate and cozy bed (the best thing I have ever felt in my life, aside from that cool bathroom floor) at 1:15 am, he slept right beside me, close to me so I could reach out to him.  After a very short night, he got up at 7:15 in the morning to tend to me.  He even checked my bleeding every hour, just like the nurses in the hospital do after you have a baby.  I kept telling him what a good doctor he was.

So, we together weathered a very frightening storm.  And oh, I now feel the planting, the shooting, of a new root of love for my husband in the soil of my heart.

I spent the entire day in bed today, napping.  I couldn't even sit up without being sick to my stomach till late this afternoon.  Now I am able to sit up and actually lay on my side without feeling light headed.  I'm on the mend.  I lost a significant amount of blood and I hope to be back on my feet by tomorrow evening. 

I was going to go in to the doctor today to have a full blood work up to see if I needed a transfusion, and to get my HcG levels checked, but my husband said no way.  Such a wise man, because I couldn't even sit up! So he's taking me in on Monday morning to have the whole 9 yards done.  He's off all next week.

After talking to my doctor on the phone this morning, I hung up and broke down in sobs.  My husband came to me and his comfort was a balm to my battered soul.  I sobbed because I was sad, yes, but more than that......

I was so relieved that it was all over, that I had survived.......

And that God had seen fit to give me one more day to try to appreciate the blessings He has given me more.

I'm so grateful, so relieved......

Now if I just had a huge pot of chicken vegetable soup, the healing would be complete.

• 4 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Thursday, February 14, 2008 - More strangeness from the Gilchrist Corral!

I know you gals have heard of the game called "Bicka Bicka Bin Bar", right?? Yeah, naturally, it's all the rage!

What?

You mean you haven't heard of it?? And you haven't had the privilege to indulge in it??

Well, you all must be so provincial out there! You all must be country bumpkins who just fell off the turnip truck yesterday!

Allow me to give you the particulars of said game, created by Sissie:

You go outside and dig a hole.  Apparently any depth of hole will do.  Then you get in it, and here's the fun part! You get in the hole, put your whole body in that hole, and cover it up.

That's it.  That's all there is to the fun and educational game of "Bicka Bicka Bin Bar"!

It's good, dirty fun for the whole family!

No assembly required.  May produce copious amounts of laundry.  Baths may be necessary.  The Gilchrist family resumes or accepts no responsibility for ruined landscaping, dirty bathtubs, or overworked washers/dryers. 

• 2 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 - Daughter

Daughter...
you look at me
and I see
in your face
child.... 

In your shy, dimpled smile
and your smooth, crystal skin.
The girl you are
speaks to me....
In your unbent enthusiasm
and your whirling, twirling ways.

And yet
I see
shades of the woman
you will become....

In the gentle curve
of your cheek
and the sage knowing
in your eyes.

There are
both
woman and child
in you, daughter of mine....

And my heart
is yours.

To SMG on Valentine's Day 2008.  I love you more than the air I breath.  Mama

• 3 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Monday, February 11, 2008 - Milestone

Today I packed up all of my maternity clothes.

Basically, I cleaned out my closet, because that's almost all that was in there.  How bare it is now, how empty and what a shell!

Our closet has no doors on it, and so, every time I would go in our room I would see those clothes.  Each night, when I lay down in bed, I see those clothes.  They stare me in the face, reminding me that they aren't being worn, like I so wanted to right now!

So I decided, the other night, that I would lay those hopes and dreams to rest.  Because that's what those clothes represent for me, hopes and dreams.  I know, you say, how can  inanimate  objects  carry hopes and dreams??

Well, it's like a picture, a scrapbook, or a photo album.  You look at the photos and they remind you where you've been, what you did, all of the wonderful things in your life.  Or your photos can remind you of painful times, through a look or a certain place.

Maternity clothes are hopes unmet and dreams that will not come true for me right now.

So it's time to put them to rest.  These particular dreams have no tomorrow, no attaining, no reaching for.  These hopes have no way of being fulfilled, they've been deferred for eternity.

I am not putting them to death.  Just putting them away for now.

And in the meantime, we will continue to ask God to bless my womb.

And someday, maybe I will get to where all of those great clothes.

Lord, may I???

• 4 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 - Get ready to be tagged!!!

Okay, I'm putting a twist on Emily's post....you know, the one she did, "if I were a shoe....etc?" I'm tagging 8 of my friends, and I can't wait to see what their answers will be!!!

Here goes:

Marsha
Heidi (you can SO do this tag!)
Michelle (seekingJesusteachingkids)
Rebeca
Cindy  (oh, it may be a while for her answers, because I don't think she reads my blog regularly, but she's so popular, and I'm so "in" because she left some comments on recent posts, that I had to tag her!!!!)
Gayle Westie
Gayle B
Angel

There, I chose 8 friends because that's all I have!!!!!!

Come on now, it's such a fun tag, don't be a stick in the mud!!!

My answers were the first thing that came to my mind.  I'm going to have my husband read it to see it he agrees with the answers I chose~!

• 4 Comments • Post A Comment! • Permanent Link