Monday, February 18, 2008 - My assesment
Okay, I went to the doctor this morning.
I was scared. Apprehensive. Nervous. Waiting.
My husband went with me, because you all know by now how cool, awesome, wonderful, and fabulous he is. He took the day off to be with me. I love you, honey!
So my blood work came back very quickly. My CBC (red blood cell count) was very low, Dr said it was borderline transfusion level. He said that he would have transfused me, had it been a few years earlier, but he felt that with my health and the measures we're taking to get me back to health, that I didn't need a transfusion. My white blood cell count was totally normal. My HcG levels are down to 45. So we are certain that the worst of this saga is over. Dr said that within 2-4 weeks I should be back to normal.
Physically.
I have been spending lots of time thanking the Lord lately. For many things, actually. For my husband, but you already knew that! For my health, for another day. For another breath, and another moment here. There's nothing like a near-death experience to change one's focus!
After going to the doctor today, we went over the river to Oregon to our naturopath's office to get some supplements. As I was getting into the car, God spoke to my heart. He said that I needed to spend more time appreciating and loving these 6 children that I DO have, instead of always being focused on those that I DON'T have and maybe never will. That I need to content my soul with these precious treasures around me. I needed to live here, in the present, instead of focusing my eyesight on the future, which is not even certain!
OUCH!
This word of admonishment is very hard to hear, for me. I want other babies! Intensely!
But I have to put that to rest right now, in favor of what's right in front of me. If I live in the past or the future instead of the right-here, I'm going to miss so much! I've already missed so much, in the last 6 months, and it's due to focusing on me and what I'VE been going through. I've been so in tune with my emotions, my body, my feelings, my tears, my heart, my this and that and this and that, blah blah blah!
I'm yearning, panting, to live free again! To just live a normal life, where I CAN appreciate my children. I want to live a life without thousands of doctor visits, arm pokes, weigh in's, this number and that number........it has really wreaked havoc on me!
I want to be done with all of it and be free from all of these seesawing emotions! I want to wake up in the morning and take the entire day to play with my kids, read to them, listen to them, help them with schoolwork, cook for them, WITHOUT suddenly crying!
I long to just spread my wings and fly way up high, above all of these feelings........and just allow these entangling thoughts and tears to drop off of me!
I want to! I long to! I NEED to, for the health and well being of my family! I need to be strong enough to be able to bake my bread again, to be able to make homemade oatmeal for my kids, to be able to cook dinner again.
I need to do all of that to return to some semblance of normalcy, to bring my family back to okay, normal, you know??
Can I wait 2-4 weeks? Should I just listen to my body? Should I just take it one day at a time?
Ah, the rambling posts that nobody can make sense of! I'm sorry for such randomness, but it helps me to sort things out, to unload, to look at my thoughts and put them in a bit of a better order.
I think everyone's getting tired of Mama being down. My kids are probably missing my bread and my goodies and my dinners.
I started drinking fresh carrot juice today. It's lauded as a mega-restorative for your blood. Plus, Dr said that I could have steak anytime I wanted! Yep, we've got plenty of red meat out in the big freezer! Grilled steak, mashed taters and beef gravy! YUM! I'm supposed to eat often.....good thing, since I'm pretty hungry all the time!!
I've made my assesment, through this post, and my final thoughts?
I think I'll be okay, and I think God will heal my heart and emotions and make me whole again, because He keeps His word and is faithful and true and what He promises, He will do.
"...for He maketh sore and bindeth up, He woundeth, and His hands make whole."
Comments
Tuesday, February 19, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by EEEEMommy
He is so good, and it's so good to read these words. They're exactly what I've been praying for you! To be truly content, and cherish the blessings God has given you: that is my prayer for you!
Enjoy your steak! I'd love to join you. Honestly, I crave steak more than chocolate. :)
Tuesday, February 19, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by EEEEMommy
P.S. I had a lot of blood loss after my 4th delivery. It was a very scary thing to pass out on the hospital floor in the middle of the night with no doctors around, and only my husband and a nurse, and no other nurses responding from the nurses station. I understand the brink of death feeling, and the challenge to live life to the fullest afterward.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
Sounds like you've got a great healthy perspective on what God wants you to learn through this. My heart aches that you have to go through this but never forget that when we walk through the desert the water always tastes sweeter.
Gayle
http://grace4gayle.blogspot.com
Wednesday, February 20, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by ArrowsInOurQuiver
wow! what atruly awesome lady with a husband to match. He reminds me of my husband. I am so sorry you have been facing so much and am adding you to my prayer list. God has you here for a very good reason. Keep going. Keep looking forward. Enjoy and treasure the now.
With much prayer,
Charity
Wednesday, February 20, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Gayle
Leanne,
I just can't imagine how hard this must be for you emotionally. You do have a good perspective though about focusing on your blessings that are before you at this moment. Do cut yourself some slack and allow for a normal grieving process, though. I think that there is just a balance to be reached, like with everything, and you seem to be heading there.
Hang in there with Him,
Gayle
thewestiecrew.blogspot.com
Thursday, February 21, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Rebeca
You continue to be in my prayers, Leanne. I hope you are resting, both physically, and resting in the Lord, and gaining strength in body and soul. Bless you, Rebeca
