Monday, March 10, 2008 - Owie
You guys, my heart is killing me.
Not physically.
It's much more serious than that.
I find, this afternoon, that my heart is in anguish, way down deep.
I haven't talked about it a lot lately, or at all, in fact. It's like, my body is done bleeding, so let's put all that pain, that anguish, those things that nobody wants to talk about, away. Box them up and put them up in the attic, but don't take them down and look at them anymore. If I ignore them, they'll go away, right??
Wrong.
Here I am, almost 4 weeks after my miscarriage, in acute pain. It's like a bit of a physical pain. I'm hurting!
Some days it gets a lot better and almost goes away. But some days, something will happen, or I'll read something that will poke a hole in my carefully concealed and wrapped up heart. Or maybe I'll just be hormone-ing out that day, like today...or wait, every day, because my hormones are totally out of control....
My heart is in agony right now. I'm trying so hard to lean on the Lord. I'm also trying so hard to be 'over it', you know what I mean? Hey, come on, you weren't that far along....or, wow, lots of people have miscarriages....or, stop it, your family needs you to be on-the-ball! Those are the thoughts that go through my head.
I'm trying to immerse myself in scripture and think about the Lord.....and my heart still hurts, even in the midst of hearing Him speak to me and worshiping Him, even in the midst of having my friends over to a party yesterday, and I'm looking around, thinking how blessed I am, and my heart still hurts! I still cry a lot, inside.
The truth is, and this is what I know, is that I NEED to let that part out! I need to wear my heart on my sleeve....only with people who I feel safe with. Who know me and understand me.
And I feel safe here. This is me here. The me you see and read here on my blog is the me you would find if you came over to my house, or if we had lunch together.....I'm just me.
And I hurt. It's like I have to do some breathing to get that storm, down in the deep parts of my midsection, to settle down. Have you ever been there and felt what I'm talking about??
My dear friend Barb in VA asked me recently, "Have you allowed yourself to grieve?" She meant, have I given myself permission to let it all go?? I have to say, if I'm hurting like this, I guess I haven't.
My heart knows that my Lord is very present here, and that He is definitely holding me. He walks before me and behind me and beside me...I mean, that's what the Word says. I know that and believe that and cling to that, but it's my mind that can't seem to get it, you know?? I wish my heart would kick my mind's you-know-what so that my mind could get on board with my heart and get me out of this pain I'm in! Did you get that????
My heart feels like a fancy, beautiful platter, all piled high with stuff, and the pile keeps growing and growing, and you know what happens when you keep heaping stuff on a platter, right? It starts falling off! The stuff starts coming off onto the floor or the table or wherever.......I look like I'm doing really well on the outside, but my heart is that platter. Overflowing!
So that's what's on my mind today, gals. It's not over.....and the day grows ever longer, and the pain waits.....
Comments
Monday, March 10, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by drewsfamilytx
(((((((hugs)))))))) to you today Leanne!
Although I have never had a miscarriage, I imagine that 20 yrs from now it would still cross your mind about the what-if's and wondering what that precious child would feel like in your arms. But I do know that God gives us strength and holds us up when we just want to fall down and never get up. I imagine 20 yrs from now that pain would be a whole lot less than the piercing you are feeling now... but I don't think anyone really ever "gets over" the loss of a child. So don't try to get over it. Just take it one day at a time, my friend. And turn each day, each heartache, and each thought over to the Lord. He is the only one that can truly comfort you!
I'm still praying for you... and blog, talk, e-mail all you want about what is on your heart. I'll still listen. That's what friends are for.
Lots of love,
Marsha
Monday, March 10, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by ariannajoy
Yes, ma'am, I'll come and visit again :)
Monday, March 10, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by SeekingJESUSnTeachingKIDS
I am glad you know you can blog about this anytime and your friends are here for you. I know I can't fix your pain, but if it helps to talk/write it out, go right ahead. I don't know what to say, so I will just pray:)
Lord we come before you tonight and we pray by your supernatural power that you would hold Leanne so close to you. I pray that you give her that ramma from Your Word that she needs. I also pray that you would give her husband and friends wisdom on how to help her. You say you are an ever present help in times of trouble and so we ask for your help. We realize we can do nothing with out You and so we ask for Your strength. We thank you so much for Your love, her family, and friends. We thank you that we have an eternity with you. Thank you for Leanne and the blessing she is to all her know her.
Amen
You are in my prayers!
:>Michelle
Monday, March 10, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by EEEEMommy
I know sometimes I just need to cry. I can deny myself for a while, but it all has to come out sometime, and I don't just mean tears running down my face, I mean shoulder-shaking, sobbing, while making the ugly face with snot pouring out of your nose. It's best when it happens in the dark, so no one but God can see, and I can wipe my face on my pillow. Falling face down before the Lord and sobbing works too!
I continue to pray for you. I'd think you were pretty unreal if you weren't hurting. I don't think I'd want to be friends with you if you got over it so easily. I wouldn't be able to relate!
