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Monday, February 4, 2008 - The faith of Job, part 2

I feel like over the past five months the Lord has broken my bones and allowed suffering to fall on us for a couple of reasons. 

Maybe He knew I'd be a survivor like Job.  Certainly He knew I had much to learn through this time.  Some people learn the hard way.  I guess that's me!

One thing I know for sure is that, once these lessons I am learning are fully learned, I will never, never, never forget them.  I'm like a Golden Retriever that way.  I sometimes need harsh instruction, but I will never forget or lose what I've learned!

I think I'm going through this trial time because He really wants all of my love.  Not because I don't have enough faith.  Not because He really delights when hard things come my way.  But all of us who are really God's know that our God is a jealous God.  He knows when our affections or our attentions are not fully on Him, and He uses the pit of our despair to chisel off and dig out all of those other idols that vie for our loyalties.  At least this is what I think is happening in my walk.

 Sometimes the only way He can equip us for everyday life is to bring us difficult days.  Then, when the sun shines and the days are easy, we will be full of thankfulness and gratefulness, and a deep, abiding sense of Whose we are and Who holds us.

The strength that the Lord has given me as I walk through this valley is the only strength that can get me through this.  The love that He has surrounded me with right now is the only shelter I have in this.  And it's available every day, every day, every day.  He has been so incredibly gracious to me.  I do love Him and my faith is being strengthened greatly

I must remember to ask for that strength daily and after asking, seeking, knocking, I must accept it.

I wanted to share with you some of the verses that I am clinging to, clenched to like a drowning man holds on to a life preserver.....all of my verses come from the KJV.

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." Psalm 126:5

"O, send out Thy light and Thy truth, let them lead me.  Let them bring me unto Thy holy hill and to Thy tabernacles.  Then will I go unto the alter of God, my exceeding joy.  Yea, upon the harp will I praise Thee, o God my God."  Psalm 43:3-4

"Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth.  Therefore, do not despise the chastening of the Almighty, for He maketh sore and bindeth up, He woundeth and His hands make whole.  He shall deliver thee in 6 troubles, yea, in 7 there shall be no evil touch thee." Job 5:17-19

"For Thou art my Rock and my Fortress.  Therefore for Thy name's sake lead me and guide me."  Psalm 31:3

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." Romans 15:13

I'm safe in His hands, held by His embrace, watched by His eye, and cared for by His lovingkindness.

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Saturday, February 2, 2008 - The faith of Job, part 1

I'm reading a lot in my Bible these days about joy and hope.  I believe God is directing my morning reading to gently speak to me about these two things that are tantamount in any Christian's day-to-day walk, but even more critical in hard and buffeting times. 

My heart has longed to hear the words that He is whispering to me......"Trust me, Leanne, and surrender all to Me, for even though you cannot see it through your human eyes, I have everything under control and you WILL be okay".  And the many verses that have "fallen into my lap" have confirmed that word.

But it's SO HARD! Even reading those reassuring, strengthening communiques, I STILL struggle! I struggle with moments of physical anxiety, waves of cold, scary, rolling anxiety that break over me occasionally, for no reason that I can see or tell.  I wrestle with trying to force God to work in MY timetable, MY way, and I can't see Him working on my schedule, then the carnal side of me thinks He's not working! How's that for faith!?

I pray and pray to God that He would strengthen my faith, increase my joy, and be my hope, especially right now, when  my world is trembling around me and I'm confused and questioning.  No, I'm not questioning God with fists raised and voice railing against Him, I just have questions that have no answers this side of Heaven.

I desire to have that faith that Job had! I mean, Satan had gained permission to sift this man.  Job had, with God's permission and full knowledge, lost his oxen and donkeys, his sheep and his camels, and all of the servants that tended said animals.  Not only that, but all of his children, his 3 daughters and his 7 sons, were crushed under the walls of their brother's house in what seemed to be a tornado! He was afflicted with boils all over his body, and he had sat right down in the middle of the ashes with a shard of a clay pot, scratching himself in an effort to stave of the itch.  He's sitting there, in the midst of this trial, and his wife comes to him and says, "Do you have any integrity left? Curse God and die!" Job's response reaches down into my heart and rips it open!

He said, " You speak like the foolish women! What shall I do? Shall I receive the good that God's hand gives, but not the evil that His hand allows too??"

And my Bible says that "In all this, Job did not sin with his lips."

Moreover, I read that when the messengers had come to him, one upon another upon another upon another, to tell him that all he had was gone, this is what he did:

"Then Job arose, and rent his garment, and shaved his head, and FELL DOWN ON THE GROUND AND WORSHIPPED, and said 'naked I came out of my mother's womb, and naked I shall return thither.  The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away.  BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!"

Oh, I so admire Job! I really admire most of all his faith.  I want, crave, covet and pray for that kind of faith!

I long to be closer to His presence, where "in Thy presence there is fullness of joy, at Thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore (Psalm 16:11).

I'm hungry for such a touch from the Lord.  I want Him to "make me to hear joy and gladness, that the bones which You have broken may rejoice (Psalm 51:8).

This is a small window into where my heart is right now.  I am going IN His direction, not AWAY from His direction.  It's the only place I can be right now, for only He has the comfort that I need for my broken heart.

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Thursday, January 31, 2008 - Our butter dish

I decided to make breakfast for dinner last night.  You know, Mama's fluffy scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, and oven toast.  My family was happily eating away, when suddenly, my almost-13-yr-old son put his head in his hands and let out a groan from the depths of his soul! He said:

"Is that a new butter dish?"

And I'm like, why?

He said:

"Was that the one that was in the sink?" With much trepidation too!

And I said, "uh, yeah.......why?"

And he said, very reluctantly......

"I forgot to tell you, but the dog got the butter dish off the counter and was licking it around the kitchen! So I put it in the sink and was going to get a new one but I forgot!"

Ummmmmmm, GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The family all paused in mid-bite, with total silence and horror!

Yeah, dog spit in the butter dish.......

Kinda reminds me of Gayle Westie's toothbrush and Vick's post!

At least I put new butter in the dish before I buttered the toast!

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Tuesday, January 29, 2008 - Information you can't afford to be without

I get a newsletter from my chiropractor, and it's really informative. 

These stats really impacted my husband and I, so I wanted to do a post about them, just to pass them on to you, for your thoughtful consideration.

"America and America's children are in the midst of an epidemic of chronic disease and disability.  Today, the Centers for Disease Control admits that 1 American child in 6 is developmentally delayed.  In the past 25 years, the number of American children with learning disabilities, ADHD, asthma, and diabetes has MORE THAN TRIPLED.  Autism increases range from 200% to 5000% in some states. 

In 1969, 1 in 7100 children were diabetic.  Today,1 in 450 children is diabetic.

In 1970, autism affected 4 in 10,000 children.  Today, 1 in 175 children is autistic.

In 1976, there were 796,000 learning disabled children.  Today, there are 3 million learning disabled children.

In 1979, there were 2 million asthmatic children.  Today, there are 9 million asthmatic children.

In 1977, there were 1.6 million children with ADHD.  Today, there are 4 million children with ADHD.

In 1980, the CDC and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) said that children should get 23 doses of vaccines by age 6, with the first dose given at 2 months old.  Today, the CDC and the AAP tell pediatricians to give children 48 doses of 14 different vaccines by age 6, with with the first dose given at 12 hours old.  At 6 months of age a child can receive 8 different vaccines on a single day.  At 15 months old a child can receive as many as 12 vacc*nes on a single day.

Vaccine ingredients in trace or larger amounts, depending on what vaccine it is: (this is a partial list): altered viruses and bacteria, aluminum, formaldehyde, phenoxyethanol (from corn; bad for anyone allergic to corn),  gluteraldehyde,  sodium chloride, MSG, gelatin, lactose (from milk; bad for anyone allergic to milk), hydrochloric acid, sorbitol (actually caused diarrhea), antibiotics, aluminum sulfate, sodium benzoate, sodium acetate, hydrogen peroxide, yeast protein, egg albumin  (bad for anyone allergic to eggs; they actually harvest this from chick fetuses), and bovine and human serum albumin."

Information gathered from the National Vaccine Information Center.  Go to www.NVIC.org, or call (703)938-0342

I don't know if this information even registers with you, but it freaks me out! This would cause me to rethink my stand on immunizing my children, had I not stopped many years ago and rethought it. 

I wanted you to know all of this because I know you gals are thinking individuals and really don't want to go through life ignorant.  I know you all want to be informed and after you read this info, you may want to present it to your husband, or read it together, because it's true and your husband may then help you to make a decision whether or not to immunize your children, if you are moved to rethink your stance.

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Monday, January 28, 2008 - Walking a curve in this road

Okay, I'm back.

I won't bore you with details, but here's the nitty gritty.

I'm in the process of my second miscarriage in 5 months.

Deep breath.

I started to miscarry last night.

But I still went to my ultrasound today.

I thought I had passed everything last night, quickly and with no pain.

Nope.

The baby is actually still in there, without a heartbeat.

No heartbeat.

I still have a long way to go in this miscarriage process.

So that's the latest news.

Once again, I find myself thrust unwillingly into the slavery of going to the doctor every couple of days to let them take blood to check those HcG levels, till they get to zero.

I didn't think it would bother me, to have the ultrasound, because, as of last night, of course I knew what was happening, and we've had weeks to prepare, but it DID bother me.

I think it was seeing my tiny baby in there still that was the hardest.

I didn't cry.  I didn't.  But I asked the very sweet tech if there were any heart tones after it was all over, knowing that she couldn't answer me, but she did, and she told me that there weren't any, which I could see for myself, I just wanted to KNOW.  I almost lost it then.  But I didn't.

She told me that the important thing to remember in all of this is that there's nothing wrong with me.  HUH?

I've had two miscarriages in 5 months and there's nothing wrong with me???? Then why am I suddenly not able to sustain a pregnancy beyond 8 weeks??

The burning question that I find myself asking God is WHY does He answer our prayer to give us another baby, allow me to get pregnant, then take my babies away? 

But who can know the mind of God?

And I'm so comforted to know that all of my babies are in Heaven in His arms.

Dr W said he would do anything to help us figure out why this sudden turn of events.

But I have also heard him say that he doesn't place much value in blood tests to measure hormones.  So what CAN he do for me????

I cannot even express my gratitude and my great comfort in all of you out there who are and have been praying for me.  You gals have literally been the physical arms of Christ to me in the past five months.  I am filled with a quiet, deep joy at God's faithfulness, graciousness, and lovingkindess to me and to my body through these trials.  I feel so safe in His arms because of your prayers and my deep, anguished petitions.

THANK YOU.

I pleaded for the life of my baby.  I really did.  I wept tears of agony and tears of great, deep pain, and beseeched the Lord to spare my baby.  And you know what? In hindsight, He really did.........

Because isn't Heaven real life?

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Thursday, January 24, 2008 - Numbers

Today I haven't been a very fun person to be around.  I've been grouchy, irritable, and just plain old ugly.

My HcG levels today were 4942.

They were 7500 3 days ago.

Dr's worried.  The nurse said it looks worse than ever.

My ultrasound is still scheduled for Monday.

My friend said that maybe it is an impending miscarriage but my hormone levels have not come down low enough to trigger my body's natural response.  This sounds very logical and probable.

She said that she would call the Dr and try to get the ultrasound moved up to today, because IF the baby is alive and IF my body is going to miscarry, there are apparently things that they can do to help me.

I am having not one symptom of any thing going wrong other than the HcG levels dropping.  I still feel very pregnant, cravings and all.....the latest weird ones were egg rolls with barbecue sauce, and yesterday it was vinegar!

My husband wants to wait till Monday.

He said "Honey, be anxious for nothing."

He's absolutely right.

He said this baby is in the Lord's hands.

He's absolutely right.

He also said, with utter respect and gentleness, that trying to machinate things my own way by trying to reschedule the ultrasound is showing anxiety and lack of trust.

He's absolutely right about that too.

He told me to get off, get away from, the computer, because all of my research was driving me crazy and not helping me at all.

So I will be off of the computer until after Monday, in order to relax and to press in to the Lord.

"Be careful for nothing, but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:6-7

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008 - the roller coaster continues...stop! I want off!!

It's me again.

I had a tiny bit more bleeding last night (there was no intercourse at all) that lasted a few minutes and tapered off to nothing, till this morning it's nothing still.

I tell ya, I will be soooo surprised, actually, if my numbers have not gone down.  We will find out tomorrow.

Wow, I just read over that last statement, and it doesn't sound very trusting! I'm not a very trusting person, especially since I've had one miscarriage already.  I'm like, hey, if your house has burned down once, and you move to a new house, why bother to get comfortable there, when it may burn down again?  I know, totally pessimistic.  I tend to be that way. 

I know God doesn't want me to be that way anymore, so I'm working on trusting Him implicitly.  My husband said to me yesterday that maybe there was something we must learn and that He's trying to teach us, and maybe total trust is it.

I really AM trying.  I really do want to trust Him totally.  I recognize that I myself do not have any answers.  I recognize that I am nothing on my own.  I realize that I have no control over this situation, that I do not and cannot know the outcome of this situation.  He is totally sovereign and totally reigning on His throne.  I am telling Him several times a day, with arrow prayers and on-my-knees prayers, that I DO trust Him and I do submit to His will.  His will is perfect.

I bet all of you out there who have perfect trust and faith are really scoffing at me right now, reading my muddled musings.  I guess it takes some people longer to learn lessons than others.

But I'm willing to learn. 

My heart of hearts, the deep place, says that I do not want to learn at the expense of this baby's life.

The deep place, that calls out to the Deep One, says.......

God, why do you allow me to get pregnant, then take my baby away?

If taking my baby away is what is going to foster total and complete trust, I want to be willing to do even that to be even closer to Him.

More tomorrow.

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - still here

Well, I'm still here.

I haven't bled again, it's been 17 hours.

I don't know what's going on.

I think I'm still pregnant.

Thursday I will go in for another blood test.

My ultrasound is on Monday at 2:45

I'm hanging in there.

Thanks to everyone who is out there praying for me.  I feel lifted up, so safe, but so confused.

Although my HcG levels are down from Friday, I pray specifically that my levels will have increased even a little and that there would be no more bleeding.  Even an increase of 10 pts will be okay.

I pray that we can make it to Monday, and that the ultrasound will show a strong, beating heart.

I'm really putting it out there, really bearing myself.

I will accept God's will, with His strength, should it be death.

He gives and takes away.
My heart WILL choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name!

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Monday, January 21, 2008 - another installment

The results are in.

My HcG levels are in the 7000's.  Friday they were just perfect, just where they should be for being 2.5 months pregnant.  11,500 is what they were.  That number continues, all day, to mock me.

I did have some brief bleeding this morning after intercourse, but it stopped and has not started again, even while walking around with my dear friend this afternoon.

The levels should have been way higher today than that.

I asked the nurse to give it to me straight, and she said it looks bad.  Dr wants me to come back in on Thursday for another blood test, and my ultrasound is scheduled for Monday at 2:45.

Is this another miscarriage?

I am not having any cramps or back pain and I do not feel sick.

I keep thinking, what if I was having twins, and there was a blighted ovum, and that burst, causing the bleeding today, and that's why my numbers have dropped today? Totally crazy thought, no idea why I keep thinking that. 

What if my baby is still in there, and my HcG levels will be higher on Thursday?

I know a gal who was having a miscarriage, it happened naturally, and then she got pregnant again shortly thereafter, and when she went to the doctor, the baby was way too big to match up with her dates, and it turns out that she had miscarried a TWIN.  Her baby was a twin but she had miscarried one of them. 

I pray that is what happened to me today. 

I have been beseeching God today, literally begging, pleading, groaning, deeply, for Him to save this pregnancy.  Ah, I want this baby even more now than ever before.  I want this baby soooooooo bad!

You gals are probably out there feeling such pity for me for being so crazy and so insane as to think such ridiculous thoughts.  You all are probably feeling so sorry for me for being so delusional and for grasping at air, grasping at straws.

I'm sorry.

I just can't say goodbye yet.  Not yet.  Not now.

When I see some more blood or something else, then I will know.

But I gotta continue to hope.

Silly, huh?

Maybe this roller coaster that we have been on has scrambled my brains.  Maybe I am not strong enough to just face the truth once for all. 

But hope is still a faint glimmer, a candle flame in the long night........

And it still beckons me.

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Monday, January 21, 2008 - update on the foggy saga

I'm going to go to the doctor's office today to leave some blood, so that Dr Wonderful (he really, really is the best doctor) can measure my HcG levels again.  I know, the last thing you probably want to read about is quantitative HcG reports, but it really is important for a viable pregnancy, for THIS pregnancy.

So, here's how my numbers stack up:

In November, when I first found out I was pregnant, my numbers were 485

On Friday, January 18th, my numbers were 11,500.

If this baby really is alive, then today my numbers should be even higher.

We will also be re-scheduling my ultrasound, because it was accidentally scheduled at the institution that made this grave mistake in the first place.  Today I do not feel like letting those people practice their skills on me again for another emotional go-round.

So pray for me today, my gals.  I want to see that HcG number soaring.

And I still need the perseverance and determination to get through this next week without going crazy with anticipation!

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Friday, January 18, 2008 - A ray of hope through the fog

I went to the doctor today, like I said I was going to.

I did NOT want to.

I got there and waited in the waiting room for quite some time.  Then the nurse called me back and I waited for even longer, which didn't really bother me, I love my doctor and understand that he's a busy man, especially since he's on call this weekend.  It gave me a chance to continue praying, and I really noticed that I felt total peace.  I was ready.

So the doctor comes in and he tells me that the radiologist at the hospital told him that my uterus measured 14 weeks, baby measured only 8.5 weeks, and there was no heartbeat.  Wow.  I didn't think I was that far along.

He wanted to do a pelvic, so he checked my cervix and he was like, hmmm, it's tightly closed, no evidence of impending miscarriage.....

Then he measured my uterus internally.

I asked him how far along it was measuring, expecting to hear the same thing that the radiologist said.....

He said it measured 8.5 weeks.

Huh?????

He said baby measures 8.5 weeks, and so does my uterus.

I had asked him to listen with the doppler to see if we could find a heartbeat, just to be sure and certain, but he said, even if the baby was alive, we wouldn't be able to hear a heartbeat,  EVEN ON AN ULTRASOUND, till 10 weeks.

This would explain WHY there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound Monday night.

He ordered a follow up ultrasound for two weeks, January 28th at 8 pm.

Huh????

What does this mean?????

That is totally not what I expected to hear.  I expected to hear beyond a shadow of a doubt that our baby was gone and to get ready for a miscarriage.  I expected to hear that my cervix was indeed getting ready to miscarry.  The cervix is doing what it is supposed to be doing at this stage, staying closed.

What it means is that there is a very big possibility that our baby IS alive, but that I am not as far along as I had thought I was.

It means that the hospital made a gross mistake.

It means that, in two weeks, we will know for sure whether there will be a new baby in the Gilchrist family or not....

Just not in the summer, like we thought, but in the fall.

So, to recap:

Baby measures 8.5 weeks
Uterus measures 8.5 weeks, not 14 weeks.

What do you gals think???

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Thursday, January 17, 2008 - A moment of levity!

Last night I was talking to my one of my dearest friends.  It's a friendship that has endured since I was 15 (if you know how old I am, then I'll let you do the math on that one!!). 

Anyway, we were talking about cussing, and how, when you type, some people use those wacky symbols, such as #@*! in place of an actual cuss word.  Okay, so of course, I have uttered my share of cuss words in my time, maybe recently too, but I always repent and I always do it very silently, under my breath. (doesn't it sound like I'm trying to explain it away a little too much???)  We were kind of laughing about it, and my oldest daughter Hannah came out into the living room during this convo.  She said:

Hannah: "Cussing? Oh yeah, I know what that is!"
Me:  "Oh really? Tell us!!!"
Hannah: "Grandpa cusses all the time."
Me: (I'm thinking, uh, I really think you have someone else, because my father does NOT cuss!) "REALLY? What does he say that's a cuss word?"
Hannah: "You know, the S word."
Me: "The S word? Are you sure?"(you all know which word I was thinking, and I waited in trepidation for her to say it.)
Hannah: "Yeah."
(at this point, Dave joined in the conversation)
Daddy: "So Grandpa cusses, huh? Spell this S word."
Hannah: "You know, the S word! S-T-U-P-I-D!"

Needless to say, we all had a good laugh over that one, and no, we did not elaborate further that that wasn't a cuss word! It was so funny, and I did need to laugh!

Sometimes, ignorance IS bliss!

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Wednesday, January 16, 2008 - Navigating in the fog

Today is another day.  I didn't wake up this morning going, whew, the last day was only a bad dream, thank God I woke up!  No such fortune has befallen me. 

Every time the phone rings everything in me hopes it's the doctor saying he made a mistake.  That kind of fortune hasn't befallen me either.

It's so odd, because my body still feels very 'with child'.  Nothing is happening as of yet.  I still feel pregnant.  That's probably because I am still pregnant.  If nothing has started happening, my body is in holding mode.  We keep earnestly, fervently, diligently praying, beseeching, really begging God to do this process naturally for us.  Without medical intervention.  Soon.  That's probably our biggest prayer, at least the one we pray out loud.......

The silent cry is God, let it be a mistake.  Let there be a heartbeat on Friday.  Wake our baby from her eternal sleep!

I've talked to my doctor's nurse about what my appointment on Friday will entail.  I also asked, perhaps foolishly and all together in vain, if I can listen for a heartbeat with the Doppler.  I need to, to bring closure and to come out of my shock and disbelief.  She said he'd do whatever was necessary and whatever I needed to get through this.  He'd spend as much time with me as I needed.  There'd be a pelvic exam and blood work.  I can ask as many questions as I want.  My doctor is great that way, and he's so compassionate.

Today after my little one's nap, after my oldest daughter got her up, and she was all flushed and warm and baby, I held my arms out to her and said 'Mama hold you?'........and she said 'No'.  Yeah, just about shattered my torn heart! I realized how badly I needed to snuggle with her, for my heart's sake, to start to heal.  But later, after I gave her a bath, she sat with me and snuggled with me for a few minutes.  I won't take it personally, after all, she is within 2 months of the two year old milestone, and she doesn't want to sit still. 

I want to say to Laura, you have no idea how your phone call yesterday was just what I needed! It was orchestrated by God, and I thank you for obeying that prompting to call me.  Pain is so much easier to bear when you're not alone in the  bearing of it.  I love you, Laura, and thanks for being my friend.

I want to tell Angel, thank you for your cyber-prayer.  Thank you for living what you speak about.  Thank you for reading my blog.  Thank you for your compassion and for your long distance hugs!

I don't want this blog to turn into a pity party.  I don't want this blog to degenerate into a poor me, I'm so saaaaaaad deal.  Because even though I hurt and grieve and am sad, I have deep joy! I really do! I know I will survive.  I am not in the depths of despair, really, believe me when I say that.  I have faith that this is not the end.  Really! I firmly believe that.

On the practical side of the matter, I'm farther along than my when my first miscarriage took place.  I was only 8 weeks.  I am 12 weeks, I think, and I've heard that it's gonna be painful.  Painful.  I'm a weenie.  Please, please, if you hear anything I've said in this mish mash post, please pray for me.  I want this to go naturally, and I want it to be quick.  I can handle some pain as long as it's quick.  That's what's on my mind.  If this is my reality for right now, I want it to happen soon, naturally and quick.  Those are my prayer requests.

Thank you gals for supporting me through this.  I need it.  What I really need is for a friend to show up on my doorstep with open arms and ready ears, to listen and hug me and just be a presence to distract and minister to me.  I hate asking for help.  But I'm not super human.

Oh, and a good, big pot of chicken soup with lots of veggies and rice. 

Anyone want to send me some??

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008 - News

Our baby is dead.

Last night at my ultrasound there was no heartbeat.  I hadn't the faintest, foggiest idea at all that anything was remotely wrong.  None.  I didn't even know they were measuring heart tones.

My OB called me this morning to tell me that my baby is dead with no heartbeat at all.  It is a miscarriage waiting to happen.  Again.  Again.

To say that we are shocked seems so inadequate.  We were not expecting to hear that kind of news this morning.  At all.  We were expecting to hear a due date.

To say that we are surprised and stunned is a gross understatement.

I will not be able to present my beloved husband with a newborn baby for the ultimate 40th birthday present.

I will not have a newborn baby for a 35th birthday present.

Once again, our dreams lay in ashes around our feet, quite by surprise.

Truthfully, my faith is not shaken.  If anything, it is strengthened.  The Lord gives and takes away, and who can know the mind of our God? He is the only One I can run to, and I want to.  I don't want to run away from Him.  I want to run TO Him!

The thought that we will not be welcoming a baby this summer leaves me feeling empty and achingly vulnerable.  Again.

And just because my faith is not shaken doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.  Christians hurt too! Sometimes more than non Christians.  At least I do! I hurt so badly to hold this baby in my arms because, since our stillborn baby, I really know what it means to deeply and intimately love for real.  I love this baby fiercely.

And now I must say goodbye.  Again.

It is the death of yet another dream, of such hopes and expectations!

It is the beginning of another journey of grief and sorrow. 

But I do not walk alone, or even on my own to feet.......

"The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, and the Lord shall cover him all the day long, and he shall dwell between His shoulders."

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Monday, January 14, 2008 - prego update

I just got back from my nurse's appointment at my doctor's office.  She's so sweet, that's part of the reason I love going to my doctor, actually, he's the only doctor I ever go to!!! I'm pretty healthy otherwise.

They did all the blood work, weighed me, took my blood pressure, and since I couldn't remember quite accurately what the first day of my last period was, I get to have an ultrasound! YAY! It's tonight at 7.  If the first day of my last period was September 29th, the nurse told me we'd be able to find out what we're having! Am I ready to find out this soon?? I had it in mind that it would be at least two more months before we would have an ultrasound, before we would know....I DO have a boy name AND a girl name picked out, middle names and all, but I want to keep all four of my readers in suspense a bit longer, just because I really am mean that way!!

Some things that are bothering me, that you gals will probably think are shallow:

~I've gained 10 lbs already....I have like 7 more months to go! This scares me to death.....
~I'm gobs bigger than I've ever been at this stage, even the nurse commented, (it's okay, I know her really well) and other people are commenting too, and I can see their eyes straying to my tummy when I tell them how far along I am.....
~In a little bit I will know if there is only one baby in there or two....this doesn't BOTHER me, but it's been on my mind.

The reason why the weight gain bothers me is because I lived my life as a skinny person trapped in a fat person's body, most of my life, and finally I'm skinny, well, 145 lbs as opposed to 220 lbs, and I am terrified of going back to that place.  TERRIFIED! WHY can't I just let it go? I almost did in the car on the way home from the doctor's office.  I was self-talking, (you all do it, come on, admit it!!) telling myself, 'who cares if you gain 20 lbs? You know you'll take it off right away, after all, it's only 20 lbs, and you ARE pregnant and expected to gain some weight!'  These are the thoughts that run through my head, driving me crazy! I can't seem to think of anything else, and everything I put into my mouth taunts me and makes me feel guilty.  I want to be able to be consumed with our baby, with getting ready to meet him or her, with buying clothes!

In all honesty, I have noticed that I have, a time or two, eaten past full, like when Dave took me out to lunch the other day to my favorite Mexican place and I ate THE WHOLE PLATE! And the blended banana mochas my daughter was making for me EVERY DAY, whether I was hungry or not! So I see where I can save some calories and save some lbs.  My husband said he didn't even notice that I had gained 10 lbs.....he wasn't just saying that either, my husband is not like that.  He was like, 'Honey, you're pregnant, it's OKAY to gain some weight!'

I'm so rambling!! I'm in a bit of angst, can you tell?? 

SOMEONE GET ME A 20 OZ BLENDED BANANA MOCHA AND AN EXTRA LARGE ORDER OF EGG ROLLS! AND PASS THE ENCHILADAS WITH A SIDE OF GUACAMOLE TOO! OH, AND ADD A LARGE, LOADED SALAD, AND NO ONE GETS HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so I'll be posting probably a lot more than I usually do, after all, we're pregs and there's A LOT more to say! I told Marsha this morning that my mouth runs on shutters, only they never shut!!

I'll post later on about my ultrasound!

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Sunday, January 13, 2008 - Reflections on painful things

We took a drive today and in the course of our drive we ended up at Longview Memorial Park.  This is a large cemetery on the outskirts of our city which is many acres of beauty, lushness, and serenity. Why were we there? Our baby is buried there.  Many of you know that almost 4 years ago we had a stillborn baby.  Our local hospital, where all of our babies have been born, has a special contract with Longview Memorial Park wherein babies between the gestational ages of 20-25 weeks could be buried there for $100.00.  Though we were almost 27 weeks, those wonderful people allowed us to lay her there.  So we have a place we can go to grieve and cry, to laugh and smile, to just be.

On our way there I wondered out loud if I would ever NOT cry when I think of Janie Rose. Probably not.  Would I ever NOT have that catch in my heart on remembering her? Probably not. Would that mysterious place in me that is branded with her name always reach out to her when I chanced to drive by Longview Memorial Park?  Probably.

Standing there gazing at her name on that stone, I remembered that first day.  Would I ever be the same? Would I go on? I was so dead inside.  I thought I would be dead inside forever.  I didn't actually cry at all those first three months.  At her memorial service I remember thinking, wow, if this is grief, this is easy! But I was numb.  In shock. Reality set in about three months later, cold, hard, stinging reality, where each day began and ended with torrents of tears.....but at least my heart could  feel again! Oh, it was bleeding, broken, battered, but I FELT!

Fast forward to today.  God bestowed on us a deep, peaceful, gently foggy afternoon, where the brume settles into the hollows like a soft breath, with a soft pastel sunset brushed quietly across the western sky.  My Father is so gracious that way! It will be 4 years on May 13.  I marvelled today.  I marveled that I couldn't see forward to today.  I couldn't know that I WOULD go on....not only go on, but go on to grow, to love again in much more meaningful ways, and to be victorious too!

I'm in awe today that God took that  bleeding, broken, battered heart that lay shattered at His feet in that hospital room almost 4 years ago, and cupped it in His palms ever so tenderly and healed it.  Yes, I still cry.  A lot.  I will always grieve.  Janie Rose is now a piece of the fabric that makes up me.  But the tears are gentle now.  I've survived my worst nightmare.  I've survived the loss of a child.  But really, it has nothing to do with me at all.  It was totally HIM.

I realized something else today.  I knew in my heart that my Janie Rose is everything she would have been destined to be.  You see, she's perfect.  She's a dancer.  She's a worshipper.  She's a lover and deeply loved in return.  In Heaven, she's everything.  And she has the ultimate Father.  That's comforting. 

Any of you out there beginning this journey, or you know someone who is, I want to say YOU CAN! You can do this.  You will make it.  He holds moms like us ever so closely in His arms.  Let him.

"The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, and the Lord shall cover him all the day long, and he shall dwell between His shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

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Monday, January 7, 2008 - God DOES micro-manage!

I found my necklace yesterday! I'd been missing it for about three months, actually, since right after I got it.  It isn't very expensive or very glamorous.  My hero husband got it for me at a garage sale back in August.  So what, you might say, you lost a pieceofjunk garage sale necklace, big deal! Allow me, my readers, to explain.

My husband made a point long, long ago to tell me that he would never buy me jewelry.  Thanks for the tears of sympathy, but don't cry for me.  Really.  I don't love jewelry.  I don't crave its glitter and gaudiness.  I don't look for it or need it.  (I save those emotions for other things, such as good egg rolls.  Or banana chocolate blended drinks made by my daughter.  Or awesome Mexican food.  Or Marsha's blog......can you tell I'm pregnant and having some intense cravings???? PLEASE don't send me egg rolls in the mail!!!!)

I had my perfect diamond engagement/wedding set and that was all, and I was content.  Then my husband got me this platinum or silver necklace with a square violet jewel and three tiny square diamonds at the top.  I fell in love with it! I wore it every single day.

That necklace was very important to me.  My husband does not spend money lightly, if at all.  But it's not like I'm deprived or poverty stricken! Quite the contrary.  When my husband does spend money he tends toward the best.  Case in point: my bed.  Three and a half years ago, he bought me a new bed.  Not just any bed.  A topoftheline, pillow top, CA king bed WITH all of the bedding to go with it.  It was quite expensive.  But it was a gift that keeps on giving!

I was deeply attached to this necklace.  One night I took it off and laid it on my night stand.  Foolish, what with a not-quite-two-year-old in the house.  I think Sofia grabbed it and took off with it.  I never saw it again. 

I cried! I fell to my knees daily and beseeched the Lord to help me find it! I even offered $5 to the child who found it first! I prayed every day.  And I thought about it most days too.  I just couldn't forget.  Months went by and I resigned myself to the fact that Sofia had probably tossed it into the garbage and I would never see it again..........*sigh*

Yesterday morning I was talking on the phone with my mom and wandering around the house, as I am wont to do when talking on the phone.  I was standing by my husband's side of the bed, having just woken him up to get ready for church.  I glanced down at the floor and saw one of the earrings that my husband's cousin had made for me laying there.  Neat! I got down on my knees to pick it up and just happened to notice a hairline crack, well, about a fourth of an inch actually, where the hardwood floor didn't quite meet the sliding doors that lead to the backyard.  For some reason (can anyone say PROMPTING OF THE HOLY SPIRIT????) I really looked down in that gap, when, to coin a phrase, 'what to my wondering eyes should appear,' no, not a miniature sleigh so lively and quick, but............my necklace!!!!!!!!!!!

Wedged tightly down there in that gap, my necklace lay there all those months, quietly waiting for discovery.  Imagine how my heart leapt and danced for joy! The first words out of my mouth were praise and gratitude to God, and a few happy tears.

The real reason for this post is that I am firmly, irrevocably, 100% convinced that there IS a God and that He truly and really does care about those things that are in my heart, no matter what they happen to be.  He does have every hair on my head counted to the last one.  He is intimately acquainted with all that concerns me, grieves me, lifts me and uniquely sustains me. 

It was His leading that had me down on my knees yesterday morning searching that crack.  The necklace was, for once, not even on my mind.  Remember, I had resigned myself to never seeing it again.  I had given it up. Let it go. 

There are many who would argue with me about the issue of a micro-managing God.  Or the concept of the prompting of the Holy Spirit, or if there IS even such a thing.  God has delivered me, come to my rescue, supplied so many of my needs, graciously granted so many, many of my small and large desires, shown me time and again His power in the little things, that I am utterly, unmovingly convinced that He's real.  You can do or say what you will to try to sway me, but you're wasting your breath with this girl!

There is nothing you can do to sway me from my ever firmer, ever deeper faith in God and the fact that He is still alive today and He still works in the lives of those who are willing to look for Him in the small things rather than the big things.  Yes, He does still do major miracles.  Yes, He does still heal people from life threatening ilnesses or death bed brink.......but most often, it's still and small, the things that He does and the way He shows Himself. 

He has supplied ALL of my needs, and even most of my wants.  He really has.  I'm acutely aware and keenly cognizant that He IS there and for me, He is a very personal, close Friend. 

I plead with you today to open your heart more fully to Him and give Him all of your cares, concerns, desires and wants.  He will show Himself trustworthy for you.  I promise.  Try Him like you never have before! He will not let you down!

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Thursday, December 27, 2007 - colloquialisms sung by my children

I'm still here.  I'm still with child.....

I've read a couple of posts from my friends listing the things their children think they here in a song.  I decided that, since my own children have heard some really outrageous and off-the-wall things in songs, that I would post them, so that you can all get a nice laugh.  It's really hard not to laugh right out loud when they are singing these particular songs, with sweet and earnest and passionate faces, hands clasped and countenance radiant toward heaven.......

'We three kings of Glory and Odd....' sung by Hannah when she was 7 and Samantha when she was 5

'Bells on Baltos ring.....' sung by Kellie, who's almost 5, when we went carolling with our church at the beginning of this month

'Gone astray is the new bird.....' sung by Sara, almost 7, just the other day (this is my personal favorite!)

And, since Christmas is passed, and there are (get ready to cheer!) 363 days till next Christmas, here's a non Christmas song, sung by my Sara at the tender age of 3: 'Mc Donald's had a farm, E-E-E-E-I! What a C-C-C, what a C-C-C, E-E-E-E-I!'

Is there anything more brilliant than these? Is there anything more worthwhile to remember? A pox on me if I ever forget!  These memories are too precious, to dear, to tenuous to disregard! My hope is that, after reading this post, that you go back through the halls of your memory and seek out your own treasured words, phrases and songs that your own children have heard and write them down! Scrapbook them! Journal them! These truly are the sweetest days of our lives, moms, and these tiny thoughts will bring us great comfort in the days to come.  I don't want to forget, and may you never forget either!

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Monday, December 17, 2007 - the changes of pregnancy

Warning: before you proceed any farther, please know that bre*sts are talked about in this post.  If this is offensive to you, you must not have any or you have not had many children and cannot relate.  For that, the author of said post is sorry for you.

I know, you're waiting to hear from me about how I'm feeling and all that.  It's been awhile since I posted, especially anything pregnancy related.  Well, here I am, and here we go!

I'm pregnant, as most of you know.  Yep, still pregnant.  I'm dealing with intermittent nausea, but I haven't had the privilege of spending lots of time contorted around the toilet.  Actually, there hasn't been any of that.  Just that nausea that is, like, in your bones.  Intense.  It usually starts after 2 pm, and rises to a crescendo around 6 pm.  This is critical time in our house, for this is when I make dinner! Sure, try to make dinner for a family of 8 while you're on the edge of losing your cookies! It's fun, it's exciting, it's great!!!

And my bre*sts, they're acting....well, strangely prominent.  And boy, are they hurting! This is a good sign, right??? Before, I could kinda roll 'em up and tuck 'em in my bra....suddenly they are fulfilling their obligation to fill those cups! I would say that I'm buxom again! Before I got pregnant this time, I'd lay down and POOF!!! The girls would disappear to the far reaches of my armpits.  My chest looked like the North Dakota prairie.  Getting dressed every morning was fun.  I was reminded of bread dough as I rolled, smashed, and tucked the girls in their respective cups.  Quite by accident I now have the region of my waist back for a bit! The waist no more acts as a shelf for the girls! No swinging, sagging appendages to move before putting on my skirts! Yeah, you outta try it.  Pregnancy, for me, is instant b**bs!

I haven't been having any really weird food cravings so far, which isn't a surprise.  Sheesh, if that happened, then I'd really be wondering how many babies were in there!! I do love pickles and ranch dressing, and I eat this combo anytime I can.  I think I'm going to try my hand at deep fried pickles, a la Emeril.  He made them on one of his shows that I chanced to watch, and they looked smashing! Hey, I hear if you go to the Iowa state fair, you can get anything deep fried, even Twinkies! Now that's gross! I went to a buffet restaurant here in our town yesterday called Izzy's, and I craved beets on my salad, which is not abnormal for me, but this time I put a lot  on there.  It sure was good! And I also had cottage cheese, which, if you remember, I went off dairy, wheat and gluten in August of 2006.  Well, I've since been eating a tiny bit of dairy, like cheese, and so I thought cottage cheese would be fine, after all, it's cheese, right?? Uh, yeah.  Let me tell you, I paid for it BIG TIME! I guess the only dairy I can safely eat now is a bit of cheese now and then.  Bummer.  Actually, it isn't a bummer, because I've been off of it for so long that I don't want it anymore.  Maybe this will help me keep off the 90 lbs that I usually gain during pregnancy!

I feel that I'm already as big as a whale.......my husband says I'm mentally wrong, that I look the same, but I feel that spreading of my derierre when I get a moment to sit down, and when I look in the mirror at my naked self (which is something I really don't recommend if you want to stay free from any gray hairs and if you want to keep your heart healthy!) I already look 6 months pregnant! Sigh..........

Really, I'm feeling pretty good.  I decided that, since I shed 80 lbs, I wanted to be one of those pregnant women that make most of us sick.  You know, the ones who, when they have their backs toward you, you can't even tell their pregnant until they turn around, and then, they're all tummy.  They look like a potato with toothpicks stuck into it.  I want to be a cute pregnant lady, even if this is my 9th pregnancy, and even if I'm not getting any younger!

I've got lots and lots of really smashing maternity clothes that are the size I am now.  I fervently pray that God would allow me to have enough self control to be able to fit into these great clothes.  I have a cute, soft black hoodie with the word 'BABY' spelled on one shoulder with rhinestones, and I really can't wait to wear it! Now the only thing I need to complete my pregnancy wardrobe is some cute maternity skirts.  My poor husband, he'll have to get a second job just to support my weird habits!

Thanks again for all of your prayers.  You guys really are super great.  I wish we could have a party, with all of my online girls, like Marsha and Angel and Heidi and Laura and Emily and Gayle and Chickadee! In a central, warm locale......let's see, I think I'm due around the end of July or early August, looking at the first day of my last period and taking away two months.  Yes, the really HOT part of the summer! But the hospital has air conditioning, so let's go!!!!

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