The past few days have been quite hard, I am not sure if it is because I am running on empty as far as energy is concerned  from working nights this week,or if it is because I really feel as though the kids ever returning is hopeless and that is making me internally sad that is taking it's toll externally.  My husband still takes the stance that God will work it all out.....I know that to be a good wife I must trust God first and him seceond, sometimes my faith is so little though.  I want instant action, it has been 8 months since they went to their birth mothers, it feels like eight years, and I don't feel as though I even know them anymore.( hence th last post about the dress) All the years of trying to understand, take care of, bond etc was for what?? I don't know anymore.  I almost lost my own two boys in the midst of trying to love four children that never wanted my love, only their mother's.  I have such a hurt in my heart daily for these kids that turned their back on me and their Dad and clung  and made excuses for a person that wanted nothing to do with them.....Rejection is a terrible thing and it is not any easier as an adult.  I dont think Mike feels as if they rejected him....He's a man, men have different bonds with kids than women.  Maybe I wanted them to reject her and tell her that I was the one that God used to heal their little hearts, maybe it's a pride thing.  Maybe it's a guilt thing, I wish this chapter in my life would be clarified and that i would understand how it pertained to the next chapter, Oh I wish , I wish , I wish..............

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