Sep. 8, 2009 - Building relationship with children
A friend emailed me this week asking for some advice. After I sent her an email, I realized that there may be other moms in the same situation that might be wondering the same thing.
Her situation is that she had a poor relationship with her mom growing up. They lived in the same home, but she did not have a great example of a loving mom nor did they have a close relationship.
She is now trying to parent a bunch of small children, yet feels her relationship with her oldest child, a daughter who is early elementary age, is not what it should be and not what she desires their relationship to be. She knows what she wants their relationship to be, but having had a poor example of mother-daughter relationship growing up, she feels lost on what to do to accomplish this.
Here are some excerpts of my response with names taken out:
First of all, simply because you care so deeply, I know you are an awesome mom. Parenting sure isn't easy! On top of that, you had a poor role model as a mom to follow. I was blessed to have a great role model in my mom. I'm thankful for that, cause whether we like it or not, we tend to exhibit what we grew up seeing constantly. With God's help though, you don't have to manifest the negatives that you saw in your mom. You seem to be doing a great job of that as a wife, which is probably a lot harder, but motherhood is just so constantly demanding!
I'm at a bit of a disadvantage, having never seen you parent or met (your daughter) to know her personality. I have read before that the hardest child to parent is typically the oldest child that is the same sex as you are. For you, that is (your daughter)!
First borns are really different than the rest for sure. They are usually so smart, confident and can be very prideful too.
I'm not sure if I can compare (your daughter) to Hosanna (my oldest girl who is 9) because their birth order is different...Hosanna being a 3rd born, and she has the sweetest personality of any child I've ever met...way sweeter than I've ever dreamed of being...so helpful, loving and considerate. She does have moments of bossiness mainly cause she is very compliant and sometimes she feels a need to "mother" her older brothers...and they don't like that. LOL. (But sometimes they do need their little sister's reminders.)
I don't feel that Hosanna is the way she is because of my parenting though. God just made her sweeter then most.
Since I don't know how you parent exactly, it is someone of an advantage as well. I am going to give you some thoughts, and I don't know if you do or don't do them, which is good cause you won't think I'm judging or criticizing.
Here are some general things that I try to do to, as Michael Pearl says, "Tie heartstrings."
You had mentioned that you don't feel close, which maybe means you don't feel that you have her heart.
BTW, is she close to (her dad)?
1. I try to never ever yell. My kids recently told someone that if I yelled at them they would think someone took their mom and replaced her with someone else. That's not to say I've never yelled, but I truly do not yell. If you have close friends who yell at their children, I would suggest avoiding hanging out with her/them as I promise it will rub off. That's not to say I don't FEEL like yelling a lot, but I simply choose not to....prayer goes a long way here during those tense moments where you feel your insides churning.
2. Try to smile at her often, give her hugs often, even if she seems to not like hugs. (I have a few kids that just aren't cuddlers...and they need it too) Some children are harder to smile at than others...so just make yourself. = )
Include her in as much as possible. Try to treat her as she is years older than the others. (more than 3 yrs)
Any time you can, let her help you in the kitchen...or help you do anything. When she is helping, try not to say anything about messes (cause boy can kids make messes in the kitchen)----I know your mom is the queen of nitpicking....and nagging....so really pray that God helps you to bite your lip when you feel like picking....
3. Try to treat her as the child you wish she was. If you wish she acted more grown up or mature, look for times to compliment her for doing so. It says somewhere in the Bible to "speak what is not as if it were." An example might be if she is helping you with something and (her younger siblings) have a melt down or need discipline...during a time she is behaving and/or being helpful, you can quietly hug her and say, "What are we gonna do with these silly little people...you and I have our work cut out for us teaching them to obey happily don't we?" Try to regularly tell her how happy you are that you're her mama.
4. If she's "fallen off the bandwagon" it's probably cause in the midst of babies along the way, you have not been as consistent as you needed to be. (Ask me how I know..grin) I would really focus on being consistent for the next few weeks to get her back on track, while at the same time trying the above things to make sure she absolutely knows that you are crazy about her!
5. Pray many times a day about her and your relationship...continue to cry out for wisdom....don't rest til God reveals to you what is missing.
6. Since she is competitive and bossy w/ (little brother) maybe she feels a need to prove her self to win your love for some reason?
That's where I think treating her as your partner during the day might help her see that you both are taking care of the little kids.
There is usually competition when you deal with the next below you in the birth order. I have seen it here. Esp with so many children you need to see the strengths that God has given each child and brag on that gifting, and encourage them in that.
In our case, I have one child who is super brainy and seems to know everything about anything. I have another who isn't the intellectual type, but is my most musically gifted, funny and imaginative child...so I focus on his strengths and compliment those...trying to never compare his weaknesses w/ his brother's gifts....that wouldn't be fair. Same with making Mr Brainey feel he is not musical, funny or imaginative. Maybe, when you are doing girly type stuff, and (little brother) is not listening tell her how happy you are that she is a girl. Also, take every opportunity you can catch, however small, to brag on her treating (brother and sister) nicely. Tell her right then, and again later.."Remember when you gave him that toy back? I was so proud of you.I can't wait til (little brother) acts so grown up....or I hope (Little sister) is as sweet as you are one day...and a quick hug." If she gets lots of positive words and hugs, she will want to do those things.
7. Try to make sure as mom that you don't whine or pout either. Your mom was prone to do that when she didn't get her way. She might not yell, but you knew for sure she wasn't happy....and was mentally manipulative. If something bothers you, deal with it, hug and move on. Don't manipulate with body language...be joyful all the time, discipline when needed then resume your joyful attitude. If you have a hard time getting a grip and feel grumpy.....go to the bathroom (lock the door...haha) and pray and make faces at yourself or something until your children can see you a happy mama again. Fake it if you have to. = )
Well, I hope some of these ideas have helped. I'm not great at them every day either, esp when Gilead wakes up a lot at night or I don't feel great.....but treat it as a sacrifice to God to die to yourself and be joyful even if you'd rather just cry and crawl under the covers. = )
Also don't underestimate the power of the Word of God in a 6yr old heart! Do you think that she has truly made Jesus her Savior yet? If not, that might be the key right there.
Comments
Sep. 8, 2009 - interesting
Posted by momofsix
I could have written that exact email to you. I have exactly the same problems. I have exasperated myself with trying external fixes, which I tried all the ones that you mentioned with hoplessness (and praying hours on end in the middle of the night). Please tell your friend that it really helps to see a Christian counselor, one that you know will help in the correct ways. They can go into the root of the source of the childhood pain that causes you to act in these patterned ways. It can be hard to find a good counselor, one that is close to the Lord, but spend the time finding one. The counselor prays with my husband and I and then helps me to examine the cause on it with a lot of questions in which I am able to see what is wrong. She is never filled with lots of advice, but lots of probing. There is a lot of emotional hurt that can be the root, which is why dealing with the external changes can cause exhaustion, feelings of hopelessness, and eventually just giving up trying. Getting to the root will help heal. Healing then will allow for the intimacy she desires with her daughter. Also, put off school a certain time each day for just cooking or doing something in which the intimacy doesn't intimidate. This sounds easy to someone who was brought up with an intimate mom relationship, but for those of us where our moms did not have that, this is not easy at all-very difficult and painful. The counselor that I see is excellent at this. Surprisingly, she works with a lot of adults who say this same thing. I am able to use our insurance.
Sep. 8, 2009 - Untitled Comment
Posted by SweetSavages
Thanks! I will pass that info on....sounds like it could help in some situations.
Sep. 8, 2009 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
Sooo much good advice here..I had to read it twice just to let it all sink in. Thanks for taking the time to post this...very, very helpful!
Maria
Sep. 9, 2009 - Thank you!
Posted by MrsTeamS
I so needed to hear this today. I think the Lord had you write that post for me. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
May the Lord bless you as He has blessed me through you today.
Sep. 10, 2009 - GREAT!
Posted by Eunice
This was great advice Misti and a great reminder for all us Mommies. #1, made me giggle because I had a child come up to me and ask forgiveness for being mad at me (about 2 weeks ago). I said'Yes, I forgive you', eventhough I had NO idea what was going on in his mind and heart. Then he said: 'Mommy, can I ask you a question?" "Sure", I said. He says to me...."Why did you talk to me that way?" I couldn't help but to laugh and hug the little guy. The funny part was that I was very stern w/him...I didn't yell, but apparently the tone ans sterness I took with him he just wasn't use to.
On another note....for your friend....I just heard an interview on Focus on the Family with a lady that wrote a book entitled She's Gonna Blow. I don't know if that would bless her but it sure did seem like it would be an encouragement to mothers. She can listen to the two part interview on the internet. I was only able to listen to the first one and really enjoyed this ladies transparency.
Blessings!
Sep. 14, 2009 - Great Post..
Posted by Anonymous
I had to come back to your site to post a comment....
I loved your advice about giving hugs and smiles often. I get so busy doing mom things I forget to act like a mom not a teacher, boss, etc etc.
Treat her as the child you wish she was...love that advice too.
Kim C, Tampa
