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Mar. 24, 2008
Warning Lights
"Fear is the emotional pain in the soul of unbelief. When we feel fearful, it is God's warning light to us that we need to respond with faith; fear and faith cannot exist in the same spot simultaneously."
-Dennis & Barbara Rainey
These past few months have been difficult ones. It has been the scariest time in my Christian life. I hope that I am over it, but we'll see. My husband was laid off in February of 2007 with no notice. He received an offer in late February 2008. During this whole time of unemployment, except for the first few days, I was okay with it. I wasn't fearful except for tiny bits here and there. I can actually say it was probably the best year we've had. With some minor adjustments to having him home (and in the way as the computer goes for their computer lessons), it was nice having him home. He was busy all the time, so it was not like he was just sitting there twiddling his thumbs.
My experience with fear began in maybe November. I began having a great amount of fatigue - some physical but a lot mental. I could see myself losing ground, falling farther and farther behind in lessons, in housework, in "administrative" work. I just didn't have the gumption to tackle the day. I went to the doctor; she tried several different things, one of which made things worse; one which helped for a while and then fazed out.
I hit bottom the day he got a job. I was numb at first, but then it was like a dam burst. Now I know I've left a lot of details out (like the fact that we had a baby in March of 2007 and that I have wanted to move back home for several years now), but it honestly felt like the LORD took a knife and wounded me HIMSELF. I truly thought that HE wanted us to move back closer to home. I wanted to be there for my grandparents as they are aging. Seeing my other grandmother die slowly from afar was very difficult and I regret not being there for her. Now knowing I will have to do the same thing with my last remaining grandparents is very painful. I don't understand why we couldn't move back home.
It would have also been nice to have more help. There's only so much you can ask friends, but you can be more spontaneous with family. We really need to have some time to ourselves right now with where we stand, but babysitters cost a fortune and finding another couple who want to commit to regular date nights is difficult.
It has made me wonder if I know the LORD's voice. That fear makes me question everything I think. It makes me hesitant to act. Since I truly thought I knew what the LORD wanted, and I obviously didn't, what do I do now?
I've also been having these really difficult days. Some days I'm fine (today I've felt the best I have in a long time); other days I'm in "the pit". And I mean deep down in the pit, scraping the bottom low. I've actually considered giving up on homeschooling, though I don't know what I'd do with them.
I am guessing it's either spiritual or hormonal or both. Has anybody ever felt like this?
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