Jan. 22, 2009 - Temptation
This was from my reading this morning. It is from Matthew Henry's commentary. "It is the craft of Satan to speak of the Divine law as uncertain or unreasonable..." That's really the hook. he wants us to doubt that GOD is for our good, that HIS law is unreasonable or binding to us rather than giving us life and freedom. "It was Eve's weakness to enter into this talk with the serpent: she might have perceived by his question, that he had no good design, and should therefore have started back. Satan teaches men first to doubt, and then to deny. He promises advantage from their eating this fruit." Why are we in the conversations we are in? Do we ever stop to think why we are in them in the first place? Again, he wants us to doubt GOD's goodness, HIS love towards us. And he throws in the "benefits" for good measure. So not only is GOD withholding from us what we "deserve" or want, but look how useful/practical/beneficial it is. We could even use it for GOD's "glory" we deceive ourselves into thinking. "He aims to make them discontented with their present state, as if it were not so good as it might be, and should be. No condition will of itself bring content, unless the mind be brought to it. Let us, therefore, always think well of God as the best good, and think ill of sin as the worst evil: thus let us resist the devil, and he will flee from us. (Ge 3:6-8) Contentment comes not from things, stuff or our circumstances. I'm learning this the hard way. I think I've gotten that it doesn't come from stuff - though I still struggle with wanting to have my farmhouse in the country at times - but circumstances are what gets me. Watching others suffer, to see their circumstances not make sense, to see my own not make sense, that is where satan can dig his little claws into my thoughts of GOD. If circumstances aren't "the way they should be" in my eyes, do I still believe the best in GOD? It's so very hard in the face of suffering. To "watch" children dying, people going under financially, families crumbling, to see a mother taken away from her children... LORD, help me to understand, to not doubt YOU, to hang on even when I don't get it. Help me to understand as I go into surgery for the first time in my life, to accept the "diagnoses" I have been given, to understand it's going to be all right even if YOU don't heal me this side of Heaven. For whatever reason YOU have allowed these things to occur, it's going to be okay. The things I think are so important (even as good as they might be) are somehow not what YOU have in mind for me right now. Help me to understand what I can, LORD, and to hang on to YOU for all the rest.
*0Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkDec. 31, 2008 - What Was Mary Like?
I ran across this quote this morning as I was reading Created to Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. "Do you think GOD could have used Mary for the mother of JESUS if she had allowed herself to become an emotional wreck when her environment was not clean or orderly?" I do wonder what Mary was thinking. The Bible doesn't say what she was thinking at the time, but given the things it does say in other places about her, I doubt she was anxiety ridden. I doubt she had the same spirit I have that rises up when things don't go according to my expectations. I wonder if I had been in the same place as she, what would I have been thinking? Would I have been saying something like, "Hey, wait a minute! I don't want to have a baby HERE! I need this or that..." Would I have been more concerned about me or about the baby I was about to deliver? Would I have been questioning GOD's choice of a birthplace for the Savior of the world? I dare say I would. LORD, I don't know how I can ever have the same "be it to me as YOU have said" spirit that Mary had, but I pray I get there. May I recognize and be willing to accept the circumstances YOU have allowed in my life. I pray I come to the point that I wouldn't even begin to have those anxious thoughts. Give me eyes to see, ears to hear and a mind to understand - and most of all, a heart to accept that which YOU have given me.
*1Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkDec. 12, 2008 - Stuck
I've been stuck on this next day for at least a week. I'm supposed to do something nice for Eddie - something that would show him I love him - something meaningful to him. I know what to do; I just haven't had time to do it! Why is it my day flies by? On the positive, we finally got out our sewing machine that I bought the day after Thanksgiving. I actually sewed a potholder (Emi's project last night at her lessons). I didn't do too bad - had to resew a few places because the piping on one side slid out of the way. But, yay, something went right in my day. This morning was not my morning - so much so I decided not to do lessons today. I just couldn't handle it, even though I love our lessons. I just wanted to use his naptime to sew. Now, if I just didn't have to go to an office party tonight. I'm in a hibernating mood. I'm already wiped out from the events of the day as well as the anemia. But at least, Eddie and I will have some time alone. The family watching them is going to watch them until tomorrow afternoon - including an almost two year old who thinks he's the center of the universe! He's being quite the booger today. :o)
*0Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkNov. 25, 2008 - I Wonder
I wonder how many times a day GOD gets asked "why?"? I've been looking at some sites at www.colesfoundation.com, asking the LORD why so many kids have to suffer so, why so many die, and die such painful deaths. I know HE does not keep us from suffering, but it's lots harder to understand why HE allows children to suffer so. I KNOW that Heaven is worth any pain, and that our pain here is temporary, but it doesn't feel like it while we're here. If you want to recenter your perspective, peruse those sites for while each day. And yet I sit here wondering why HE allows the things in my life. I've had a headache since Sunday. I can get no relief. It's not excruciating, but I want to be rid of it even so. I don't feel like doing anything. I know anything I do will make it worse (it's linked to my neck injury). It's hard to take care of a toddler with such a constant headache. And low-lying nausea... The girls have been great at taking care of him. We're off lessons for the week, so that's easier. We were in the middle of a great cleaning of the playroom, but we've got the majority done. Not much packing, not any cooking. I feel so lazy sitting here on the computer, but I can't sit and do nothing. LORD, why???? ;o)
*0Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkNov. 18, 2008 - Which Room?
I forget which day I'm on, but it's one of those I'll be stuck on for a while. The basic gist was which room in your mind do you tend to stay in? There's a room of appreciation - where you choose to think on the positives of your spouse. There's also the room of depreciation. I know which room I'm in 99% of the time :o(. It's like an automatic groove that I just slide right into. Given the busyness of my day between schooling the girls and taking carry of Boogie, my mind just wants to slide into familiar routines. Not only do I need to switch rooms for Eddie's sake, but I need to do it for my kids' sake as well.
*1Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkNov. 11, 2008 - Grieving
I was shocked to read today as I checked out a news website that Ray Boltz has come out that he's gay. :o( I had heard about Clay Aiken, but the shock wasn't the same for me. However, the sadness I feel for both of them is real. The sadness I feel for GOD is real. As I read comments under the articles, the familiar mudslinging occurred, but what good will that do? I think of the LORD and how, yet again, we have defaced Christianity as it should be from both sides. We have the Pharisaic response of hatred of both the sin and the sinner. We also have the sinner stating that GOD made them in their sinful way of choice (fill in your own blank here), and therefore they should just accept that as the way they should live. We are all eager to justify our own desires. It could be homosexuality, it could be the love of money, material things, food. My heart grieves that they have come to this conclusion concerning their battle with their desires. I believe we all have struggles that seem to hit us from early on, but they are still struggles nonetheless. My children all seem to love to spend money, but does that mean I say it's okay to go spend all your money just because if feels natural to you? Depression feels natural to me; do I continue down that path just because it feels natural to me? I believe we have fallen out of love with GOD (if we ever were in love with HIM in the first place) and we have fallen in love with our flesh/our desires/our cravings/our wants. We are in love with self. It may rear it's head in many forms and fashions, but it is the same issue in the end. I feel for the family. I feel for the different emotions and struggles they must be dealing with. If I were his wife, I know some of the things I would be thinking. And the children...what they must be thinking and wondering, how will they explain it to those around them - to their children? I feel for the LORD. It's another turning away from HIM to pursue ourselves. How HE sacrificed for us before we even sinned, yet we turn not to HIM. I know that Ray said that he tried for 30some years. I don't pretend to understand why GOD has allowed what HE allowed and I don't pretend to understand what thoughts ran through Ray's mind in all those years. I don't know why GOD allows some struggles to remain and takes others away. I just know that we must continue to fight until HE declares the battle over. There are many battles I would love to see an end to today. LORD, I do pray for Ray. I pray that he will see that the pleasures of sin are but for a while, but the devastation of his choosing sin over fighting the battle will be huge. Open his eyes, LORD, that HE may see the truth for what it is. Show him where he may have believed any lies from the devil. LORD, deliver him from this sin. Put people around him who can help him to win this battle. Do not let his mind and soul rest until he begins to return to righteousness. May the pleasures of sin become a foul taste in his mouth and heart. May he find no peace in his sin. May YOU surround him with people who love YOUR Word who will gently but firmly lead him in the truth. I pray for his family not to be deceived by the choices he has made. May they still see righteousness for what it is. I pray for his wife's wounded heart. Help her to deal with her fears, her sense of betrayal (if she feels such; I know I would), any feelings of embarrassment she might feel. Oh, LORD, bring good out of this. Bring good out of this in Ray's life, in the Christian community. May we truly represent YOU as YOU would wish us to in this area. May we do it right for once. Love the sinner; hate the sin. Free us, LORD, from ourselves.
*1Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkNov. 9, 2008 - Sabbath
I wonder how most people spend their Sabbaths. Do most Christians even keep it? And what is keeping it? This has troubled me for a long time. I believe it is still to be kept - it is for our benefit anyway! I think we're all for the rest and relaxation part, but are we for the focusing on the LORD part? And I see in my own church how busy we are on Sundays. By the time we've worked one service, attended a service and come back for evening service, there's hardly any time for rest. We also live about 30 minutes from church, so you have to factor that in. So, for now, we have decided to forgo the evening service. I always have these grand ideas of visiting all the parks and going to interesting places, but we don't do that much in reality. Hubby is tired, wants a nap. Baby is tired, needs a nap. So they usually sleep, and the girls play whatever, and I try to read, catch up on blogs, etc. . I don't do any "work". We don't watch much tv in our house, but we do watch it Sunday nights. We watch the home video show and then Extreme Home Makeover. I like it for decorating reasons (runs in the family blood), but mostly I like to see people's reactions to someone's humongous gesture of goodwill. I also want my kids to see that others have it so hard in life. I don't know that they're getting that part as they talk more about how they would like their room if they were to get one. :o) I can't help but think of that a little, too, myself ;oP. As for my next dare, whew, it is a tough one. I'll explain it more later.
*0Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkNov. 8, 2008 - An Easy One
What day are we on...hmmm... I think Day 4. Oops, Day 5. This chapter talked about rudeness, and defined it as "unneccessarily saying or doing things that are unpleasant for another person to be around. To be rude is to act unbecoming, embarrassing, or irritating". The dare was to ask what 3 things I do that irritate him. Not wanting him to become to suspicious, I asked him what one thing do I do that irritates him most. I knew he wasn't crazy about doing the thing he said, but I didn't figure it would be his number one answer. As this exercise was about hearing the other's perspective, I took it for that, and I plan on not asking him for it as much as possible, but in my perspective ;o), it's a need - not something for pleasure.
I really liked this chapter. Here was one of my favorite passages: "When a man is driven by love, he intentionally behaves in a way that's more pleasant for his wife to be around. If she desires to love him, she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort." I wonder if this is one and the same, or is it different? I'm inclined to think with men, it's more about behavior, while with women, it's more about actions/deeds. Hmmm....
*0Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkNov. 6, 2008 - An Easy Dare
This dare was easy. It was to buy something for them. I knew what I wanted to get him. Now it was just a matter of getting there and them being in stock. It took a few days and a few trips, but I finally got it, plus a little one to spare.
The next one was to call him during the day and see how he was doing and to see if there was anything I could do for him. Well, I remembered to call, but I forgot all about the asking part! Oops! I guess I'll do that today, as well as asking him the next one - what three things could I change about the way I act around him. I think I could answer them myself, but I'll let him answer it. Today's chapter was about being rude - all the little behaviors especially. Ouch...
Oct. 29, 2008 - Misunderstanding
"Prayer is not an easy way of getting what we want, but the only way of becoming what GOD wants us to be." Studdert Kennedy
So often we come to GOD with our list of OUR wants - even our demands. We come rusing in like a wind storm, never bothering to enter the Holy of Holies with proper reverence. LORD, how can I forget so quickly and so often?
I don't think GOD intended prayer to be a time of pulling out our laundry list. HE does want us to bring our cares and requests to HIM, but I think HE wants prayer to be much more than that. I think it's more about us getting our minds back on track, of refocusing, of realizing who we are and what we are truly given by HIS grace. It's a time of realizing who HE is and who we are and how different those two things are. This is confession. It's a time of choosing to focus on HIM and who HE is and what HE is like. It's choosing to take our eyes off our wants or problems and deliberately choosing to praise HIM. This is praise. Giving thanks is about remembering what HE has done and what HE will do.
I have learned from my experiences not to be quick to presume upon GOD here. Just because we want something and even come at it with confidence doesn't mean it will come to pass. I don't know who or why HE chooses to heal some and take others to Heaven, but I can be confident in knowing HE is capable, that nothing is too difficult for HIM, that HE is a healer. I can find confidence in WHO HE is but not whether HE will answer my prayers and pleas because I ask for them in confidence. I know some will disagree with me here, but I have to go with my convictions and understanding as I have it up to now.
We do have much to be thankful for. We are so quick to forget. We don't even bother to go to what GOD has spared us from. GOD is opening my eyes to this, but still my heart is hard even though I don't want it to be.
Finally, HE does want us to come to HIM with our wants, our needs, our problems and concerns. But even then I think we usually approach it the wrong way. We want OUT of the problem. We don't want to grow from it, to be changed for the better from it. We want ease and comfort and convenience. Listen to people as they pray, and you will soon see it's true. We want our healings, for things to go our way, for us to get our just rewards. We want healing and we want it NOW. No one wants suffering, but suffering is what made JESUS who HE is. JESUS suffered and HE learned from it. If HE suffered, why should we not? If HE lived HIS life here without all the conveniences, why should we demand it? How skewed our thinking is.
Prayer is about dying to self, admitting our weak and sinful nature to GOD, about choosing to look at HIM rather than our problems and ourselves. Prayer to me is about asking GOD what HE would have me pray in each situation. Sometimes I pray for healing. Sometimes I pray for strength to get through. Sometimes I pray for acceptance. Sometimes I just praise. The LORD knows each and every situation. HE can lead us in how to pray. I pray we will listen!
LORD, may my ears be open and ready to receive YOUR words. May my heart be ready to feel as YOU feel. May I be ready to die to self and live for CHRIST.
*0Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkOct. 21, 2008 - What I Think Hell Is Like
After I wrote the last entry, I checked on a friend's site that I haven't checked on in a long time (hey, BC, long time, no read ;o)), and I watched this video. Sorry, I don't know how to put it on here, especially with my new computer... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oj-GkDJpr2Y It struck me as I watched this that this must be a taste of what Hell will be like. Imagine all the world's atrocities and there you have Hell. All wars, the Holocaust, 9/11, people starving all over the world, people suffering with diseases... the list could go on and on. Hell is the one place that GOD is not. So Hell will be a place where there will be nothing good. It will be destruction that never ends. It will be horror after horror. It will be grief that will never end. Tears after tears after tears. Longings never fulfilled. Bellies never full. No arms of love to comfort and console. Alone but hearing the heart-wrenching cries of others in pain and suffering. Life may be tough here, but it WILL end. Hell will never end. If only we can keep our perspective of what life is really all about, maybe we would want to crawl out of our shells and save a life or two. :o(
*0Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkOct. 21, 2008 - Day 2
How miserably am I failing. It's just so discouraging to see how ugly I am to my own family. :o( Where is the love? Why is it that I'm nicer to people outside of my own family? In my mind it seems like it should be easier to be nice to your own family because you know them and they know you; it should be safe. I'm really struggling with my workload. How do I manage it all? I've got so much to DO that I'm not even thinking about being kind to my family. That's Day 2 of The Love Dare - to not say anything negative and to do an act of kindness. I knew being a wife and mother was busy and hard, but I didn't realize just how hard. And then I think, "what if we did all the things that other people do?" and it blows my mind. We aren't involved in nearly so many things as a lot of people, but I still could work from dawn until dusk and not get it all done. Lately, I've been most desperate for some time to myself. I don't know if it's because of the fatigue of the anemia, being introverted plus the anemia or if I'm just getting more and more selfish. But I have this incredible hunger to be alone. It could be to do work, to veg out (what's that?), etc. And the time I do get seems to go so fast. I know this struggle is nothing new, but I'm stuck. Maybe I'll see some change after surgery. I sure hope so. LORD, help me to be kind not only to Eddie, but to all my family. May I not "count" the demands placed upon me, but meet them as they come. May I not make my desire to be alone top priority - HELP me here, LORD, especially in the afternoon and evening! YOU know all the sites of kids I follow; help me to cross that boundary I can't seem to cross of applying the knowledge I have of the fragility of life to my own situation. Break through my hard head!
*0Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkOct. 18, 2008 - The Love Dare
In an attempt to really change the way I treat my family (particularly my hubby), I bought the book from the movie Fireproof. I already knew what day one was from the movie, but it took me three days to get it right. I think you move on even if you mess up, but I wanted to get it right. It took me three days before I could get through the day without saying anything negative to him. The kids are another story... What I noticed was how quickly I spoke. I've always thought I was a pretty good listener and fairly compassionate, but I certainly not at home. It's like it was automatic; I spoke without really thinking first. How have I come to this place? I've wondered this over and over and over. Truly, I think it comes from the stress I feel from all the responsibility on my plate. I feel so overwhelmed all the time, so much so that I don't even have time to think, much less do things I enjoy. With these trials I have endured this past year, particularly the anemia, I have had to let go of so much. I have been too tired to care anymore. I used to be a perfectionist. I really don't think I am anymore, but I do like things to be orderly; you know, shoes on the shelf in whatever order instead of all over the house. I like the kitchen table to not have crumbs and sticky spots all over it. Added to the responsibility is the reaction I get from the rest of the family. Nobody else is eager to help, so I end up doing it myself, keep on them constantly to do it themselves (which is just as much work, or just let it go. I've let a lot go, but not everything can be let go. All this is to say I have much to change in me - one being a quick tongue.
*0Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkOct. 3, 2008 - Love Well
We speak of love so glibly today. But do we live love with such frequency? To love well is to die well. To love well is to put another first - regardless of whether they deserve it, regardless of whether they are right or wrong. To love well is to honor and respect simply because JESUS asked us to do so.
JESUS loved (and loves) well. HE put us first even though it cost HIM much. HE didn't have to. HE didn't wait for us to get it right. HE didn't even wait for us to confess we were wrong. HE endured physical pain for our sake. HE endured injustice and humiliation for our sake. HE spent nights awake, praying for us. HE walked many a mile for our sake. HE set aside HIS glory for our sake. HE answered a thousand questions a day from HIS disciples who "just didn't get it". HE patiently waited for those with less understanding than he.
HE also stood up against those who were evil in their intent. HE understood their motives and their pride. HE did not let this slide. This is love, too. HE raised difficult questions and left them with difficult answers to ponder. HIS kind of love was and is not easy. It is not common.
JESUS did not base HIS decision to love on how HE felt that day or how HE felt about that situation. HE loved because HIS FATHER asked HIM to do so. HE knew that was HIS purpose here. HE was not here for HIMSELF. HE was not here to draw attention to HIMSELF. HE did not come here to have everyone realize HIS importance and bow down to HIM and serve HIM for HIS own satisfaction.
So why do we? Why do I? Why do I expect my children to "bow down" to me? Why do I expect my husband to realize my "greatness" and fall adoringly at my feet? O LORD, if I really look at it, how pompous that is. Yet, the day will begin in just a moment, and I will surely exit this room and expect full, first-time obedience. I will expect them to realize all that I have done for them, all that I have given up for their sakes. LORD, why am I doing the things I am doing? It is for my glory, really, is it not? I want recognition for the "price" I have paid. O LORD, may yesterday be the last day I would think such a thing. May I not walk out of this room and forget this lesson. LORD, don't let me forget this. May it ring true as the girls ask endless questions and want help with the things they can really do for themselves. May it ring true as Boogie wants more and more. May I not turn the other direction and fill them full of themselves, but may I serve them as YOU have served me. May I serve them, doing what is best for them, not stroking their egos or doing things just to make them happy. But may I not push them too hard for my convenience's sake. O LORD, help me to see. I have such poor vision and such a bad memory.
May I not forget my husband either. May I not be so vain to think I can be his Holy Spirit. Open my eyes to see and my mind to understand how I can encourage him, how I can make this wild and crazy place a respite for him. May our home not be another trial for him to endure. May he want to come home and be involved because it's fulfilling to him, not because I demand it. I have so much to learn, so much to change.
May today be a day of true love. May it be a day of real change.
*1Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkSep. 21, 2008 - My Focus
"Gaze at GOD, glance at the need, and trust it to HIS all-wise, all-loving care." -Sylvia Gunther
How quickly I forget this. I can oh so many details about the problem, but I keep forgetting to look up. YOU are the One who can supply the answer - whatever that may be. But if I only gaze at the problem, I will become discouraged, angry, frustrated. Keep pulling my eyes upward, LORD. Open my eyes, that I may see as YOU do.
YOU have a plan for all that is going on now. YOU have a resolution to the conflict that is ensuing. May YOUR will prevail and not man's. YOU have the ability to change the hearts of those who are wandering now. YOU have the ability to knowledge and wisdom I am looking for with my health issues. YOU can make all things new. YOU can fix what is broken. YOU can make that which is weak strong.
May it be so!
And, LORD, as we return to Sonlight tomorrow, I pray for YOUR blessing upon it. I pray YOU can use it to open the eyes of my children to the world outside of this house. May it create a passion for the lost. May Emi not be overwhelmed, but may she be able to create coping skills to learn what she needs to learn. May Eli's insatiable mind be satisfied, and may Erynn be filled as well. Help me to manage it all. May I not get overwhelmed but take it one thing at a time. Show me how to best deal with Boogie in the midst of it all. Take it and use it for YOUR glory.
*0Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkSep. 19, 2008 - Prayer
"Prayer is an interruption of personal ambition." Rowland Hogben
LORD, how much of my prayers are selfish? How much of my life is consumed with me? LORD, I need more of YOU and less of me. May I be a vessel YOU can fill with prayers and intercession. Change me, O GOD, renew my heart and a right spirit within me. Show me where I am living for myself. May I be motivated to crucify it. Death to self, alive in YOU.
*1Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkAug. 1, 2008 - It's Not Fair!
Such a common phrase in our country. I wonder if many people in other parts of the world say this??? I know we in America are so quick to compare ourselves to others for our own benefit. "She got more than I did!" "But the Brown's got a new house, car..." Well, I've been training myself and trying to train my kids to think in the other direction. Instead of comparing yourself to those who have more/better than you, compare yourself to those less fortunate. It brings life into much sharper perspective. Eating leftovers again isn't so bad when you compare yourself to those going hungry or eat rice everyday or dumpster dive for their meals.
But who said life was supposed to be fair? It never says so in the Bible. It says GOD is just, but HE never promises life will be fair. Look at JESUS. Was life fair to HIM? NO WAY! If we want to compare ourselves, let's compare our lot in life with HIS! HE left perfection to come live among those who would revile HIM and eventually murder HIM. HE was misunderstood all HIS life, even by HIS own family. HIS friends deserted HIM in HIS greatest hour of need. HE had an unfair trial. HE was innocent, yet HE was beaten beyond recognition, falsely accused, stripped, humiliated, in incredible pain, had nails driven through HIS body, asphyxiated and died though HE had done NO wrong. But worst of all, I beleive, to HIM was that HIS FATHER turned HIS back on HIM.
We are all about stuff. Listen to our prayers. I hear it in my prayers, my children's prayers, my husband's prayers, our prayers at church... When was the last time we talked with GOD and didn't ask HIM for a thing - confessed, thanked and praised with no petitions?
GOD has such a different view. HE wants a relationship with each of us - a deep, intimate relationship - personal, just you and HIM sharing the depths of yourselves with each other. HE wants a relationship with us that can transcend any hardship. Do we have that? Do I have that? I think I do, but it's easy to lose sight of. Coming through these dark days, I'm still with the LORD, but I see HIM with very different eyes than I used to. Now how to get it with 3 children, 1 toddler, 2 needy dogs, 1 husband, 1 house to take care of, homeschooling, church and health issues, I haven't figured it out yet. But I catch glimpses of it now and then. Meet me in the middle of it, LORD.
(These thoughts came from my reading of Philip Yancey's book, Disappointment With God.)
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Jul. 30, 2008 - Coming Out of the Dark
So often, I have wanted GOD to step in and perform some "miracle" for me. What I really want is for HIM to do what I want. Reading Philip Yancey's book, Disappointment With God, I came upon a new revelation. He says on page 204 that when GOD provided physical success for the Israelites, it still did not help their spiritual performance. In other words, granting their requests did not bring them any closer to GOD. We all know about the Israelites grumbling and complaining their way through the desert, but have we ever linked it to GOD granting them their requests and the closeness of their relationship with GOD? I hadn't. GOD can answer my prayers and pleas the way I want, or HE can not. That should not be the thermometer of my relationship with GOD. I will have good times and bad times, but I will always have GOD if I so choose to let HIM walk through life with me. I must separate what is going on in my life from how I view my relationship with GOD. Just as a parent allows some heartbreak into the life of their child for their own good, so does GOD. And HE knows just what to allow. We make our best guess. I do not know still why I have gone through the dark time I have been in, but I do know I am coming out of it slowly. The darkest night has lifted. The sun is beginning to shine again. There are still foggy days, cloudy days, some days of thunderstorms. I will say I have learned a lot about grief and having "nonjudging" compassion on people who are grieving. Grief truly is a solitary place. It is it's own world, and so few are willing to enter into another's world of pain. But isn't that what JESUS did?
*1Comments*Post A Comment!*Permanent LinkJul. 21, 2008 - Life Is Fleeting
"If there is any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow human being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again." -William Penn
If there's one thing that has been made really clear to me in this past year or so, it is that life is truly fleeting. We may claim to know so much about life and technology today, but yet we do not know the moment we will enter this Earth, nor the moment we shall leave it. We do not know of an accident around the corner, or an illness around the bend. Watching what happens in the lives of people who are near and dear to me (even if only through the internet), I can see how short-sighted we are. Our vision is so impaired. We think we know reality as it truly is, but we only see a speck of reality. So when our turn comes, it hits like a tsunami out of the blue. We are bowled over and left wondering what just happened.
I don't think we need to live in fear of what's around the corner, nor be pessimistic about life, but we need to make the most of the life we have been given, being aware that we don't know when our last moment may be. We don't know when the person in front of us will end their time here on Earth. Thus, the William Penn quote. We need to make the most of the moment as if it were our last, because one day it will be. Live with no regrets. Live to the fullest. Make our words count. Make our actions worthy of the time GOD has given us.
I found out this weekend that two people I have been following on Caringbridge sites died. I was not expecting this news, so it was a double whammy. Actually, one site was from the family of a boy who died 17 months ago; the news this weekend was that the dad died suddenly of a possible heart attack. I think of what this family has gone through watching their child/brother suffer over a long period of time. Now I think of the grief they will go through with a sudden death of the leader of their home. My heart wants to ask GOD "why???" yet again, but I just finished reading Philip Yancey's book, Disappointment With GOD, and I know not to expect an answer to that question. I know that GOD's ways are above our ways. HE is GOD and who am I to say I know better than HIM? HE sees the whole picture; I see only a shred of it. It does not make it painless, but it does give a measure of peace.
What I got most from that book was this question: will we love GOD simply for who HE is? GOD yearns for our love. HE wants to be loved for who HE is, not what HE can do for us. We are like children who want, want, want. We do not often remember to consider the feelings of the giver. We are concerned with our own fulfillment, our own comforts, our own success. LORD, open my eyes just a smidgen more, that I may see a glimpse of how YOU see.
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Today was Micah's due date. Today Micah would have been 8 - assuming I would have delivered on time. I wonder what I am missing. I wonder what they look like. I wonder if they are a boy or a girl. I wonder how they would have laughed, how their voice would have sounded. Would their toes have curled like the rest of them? Would they have had dark hair when they were born like Emi and Eli? Would they have had red hair like Erynn? Or blond like Isaac? It seems surreal that one day I will actually meet Micah when life here is all said and done.
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