Saturday, December 30, 2006 - So how was your Christmas?!
I wrote this on a homeschool message board the other day as a prayer request....
My inlaws came over Christmas morning to watch the kids open gifts. As soon as my FIL walked in the door he came and put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Hon, I heard about your stepdad."
I had no idea what he was talking about.
He said his sister called him the day before asking if so-and-so was my stepfather...she had been reading the obituaries.
Apparently my stepfather died at some point last week and no one called me.
I feel bad for my little brother, losing his father at age 14. I feel bad for what my mother must be feeling. I am grieved at the thought that the man is probably in hell...
But as far as mourning...I feel NOTHING.
I know a few of you have read my testimony on my marriage blog, so some of you know that there were issues of abuse involving this man...but what does it mean that I can hear that a man that was part of my life for years...the man that walked me down the aisle ten years ago, is dead and I couldn't muster tears if I tried?!
I'm just numb. That's the only way I can describe it. If anything, the only feeling I have is a sense of relief that there is one less monster for me to protect my children from. I'm sure that sounds cruel, but I'm just being honest.
Please pray for my family.
I can't imagine how things could ever be restored between us again, but the Lord has restored worse situations than this.
I think I got about three (much appreciated) responses on the message board, but what fascinates me was that the next day I found on my statcounter that 111 people checked this blog that day. 111 as opposed to the 15 or 20 visitors I get here any other day. Another interesting aspect was that out of the 111, 90+ came from that post on the message board.
I don't know how to feel about that. Were people looking for more of the story? I don't mind sharing, I'll tell you anything you want to know, but I really felt like no one cared enough to take two seconds to say, "Hey I'm praying."
Is it just this homeschooling conservative Christian group that ignores the bad stuff on the surface but digs for the dirt in secret?!
If you are offended by that statement you can just keep that to yourself too.
Don't mind me, I'm just the heartless, grouchy, screwed up girl that really just needs a hug right now.
I still haven't heard anything from the family. I still don't really feel anything about the man's passing, but I'm having nightmares about them all.
Husband suggested today that it might not even be true. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if this was all some twisted mind game.
I just want to move away and never look back. Anyone here from Montana? What's life like there?!
Comments
Saturday, December 30, 2006 - From a HS Dad
Posted by Anonymous
It is OK to feel NOTHING, and the relief is ok. It just means that you are a real person, and I can appreciate that. Keep your chin up gal.
Sunday, December 31, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
I am praying for you
Sunday, December 31, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
I don't live in Montana, but I totally understand the feeling of wanting to be somewhere else....sometimes it's painful to be where we are.
Jesus is still Lord and lives within you. Seek him and He will give give you exactly what you need at this time. I am coming to realize that others actions do not need to dictate how I feel about myself or the undermine the reality of the new creation that God has created in me. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Btw, I tried to leave a message on your other blog and was unable to do so. Possibly others had the same issue-
I am praying- Let me know if you need any specific prayer (other than what you have already discussed)
Christy :)
Tuesday, January 2, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by flapjacks
{{{Big hugs}}} - you have such a lot to deal with right now. Here's to a better year to come :-)
I've can't manage Montana but you are very welcome in England if you feel like popping round for a cuppa and a chat!
Hugs again,
Alice (who has been out of touch for ages, sorry - only just getting back into the swing of blogging.)
Tuesday, January 2, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Tracy
I'll be praying for you, it sure sounds like a confusing time for you. This scripture has come to my mind, Matthew 11:29, Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
With people not commenting maybe they feel they have nothing of value to say. I'm like that I'll read something and want to add a comment but it always sounds lame. On the other hand I love seeing comments on my blog its like approval in the blogging world:)
Satan would like to see us discouraged but what your doing is a good thing and you mightn't see the huge difference you've made this side of Heaven. It just could be making a huge difference to someone's marriage out there.
Sorry it's the first time I've commented on your blog and really got deep, I hope you don't mind.
Tracy
Wednesday, January 3, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by SheriLynn
I was out of state during the loss of your stepfather, and am so sorry for the mass of feelings you are probably experiencing in some way (I think that feeling nothing is a whole feeling of it's own, if you know what i mean)
Anyway, the reason I am commenting is I have seen that happen many times (multiple hits from the board, but maybe 1 or 2 comments), my theory is that some people just aren't commenters or that the connection is bad or the comment windows won't come up (I have had that happen too many times to count, and I would bet that when so many are clicking over from the board that the blog gets a bit bogged down, and while I am praying for someone, I have to admit, I would rather say a prayer than fight my computer to tell them I am praying)
I hope things are going better for you today.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by SheriLynn
Oh geez!! And the reason I clicked your house was to tell you I love Steve's comment too! Sorry about that airhead moment!
Thursday, January 4, 2007 - (((Hugs)))
Posted by LittleEblingsAcademy
I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I have not read your marriage blog, so am not familiar with your testimony. I just want to extend my sympathy.... and prayers.....
Blessings, Beckie
Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - So sorry Trish!!
Posted by BeautyforAshes
I have just stopped long enough to read your recent blogs....I am so sorry, for the grief of many years brought back to surface in such a rough way!! I can relate so much....but be sure that I will be praying for you! Melissa
