It rained all week during our camping trip. I could hear every rain drop fall on the tents roof. I was frightened as lightning streaked acrosse the dark cludy sky.

Katie saw a scary sea creature at the aquaruim. "Eek!" cried Katie, as the most ferocious shark she had ever seen swam by the side of the tank of the dark and quiet aquarium.

I walked into the pitch black cave. I examined each side. Then I saw it. A dazzling red chest with gold trim. I held up my lantern to make sure it was the one I was looking for. It was on the far east side of the small, round, cold room. I lifted the lid to the ancient chest. It creeked as I opened it.... to reveal the gold and silver in the chest. I was so glad to finally have it. I heaved a big sigh. I loaded the ancient chest in the back of my truck. As soon as I get home I will sell it in an auction.

• Post A Comment! • Send to a Friend!

Posted by skmarlow

Every rain drop--that's good! Lightning streaked across the dark, cloudy sky. Another good word picture. Hint: instead of telling me you were frightened, SHOW me. Look on the emotion chart to see what "Fear" looks like, and write a sentence, something like: My heart pounded, and I hid in my sleeping bag as lightning streaked across the dark, cloudy sky. Do you see the difference? I can tell you are frightened by what you DID.

"Eek!" Good dialogue to show that Katie is scared. Dark and quiet aquarium is good, too. But what does a ferocious shark LOOK like? Razor-sharp teeth? Does it crash against the tank? Try and think of a sentence that shows me what a ferocious shark looks like or does.

Great job on the Ancient Treasure chest. Red chest with gold trim. Nice. You had action (holding up lantern, lifting the lid), even sound effects! Good! And you SHOWED me your relief (I heaved a big sigh.) That is so much better than saying "I was relieved."
Great scene and good job, Nathan.
Did you know there is a little test in Lesson 7A? :-)

And Teresa: I'm glad you are enjoying the lessons. It's not as effective as the class once a week, but I think it meets a need. N and M are doing a fine job...

• Permanent Link