Character: Bertram the bear

Setting:

It is a very cold stormy night at Bertram's snuggly little home. He has a rug in front of the fire place for his bed and a comfy chair to the left of the fire. On the opposite side there is a door. Next to the the door on the right is a little window to peek through. Bertram bear is sitting on his comfy chair reading his favorite book of poetry.

Character: Jimmy

Setting

Jimmy ran through a dark hallway in a creepy old castle. It had spider webs all over the walls and little cracks that looked as if a slimy creature could crawl out of it. He found a door hoping to get out of this horrible place. He opened the door and ran in. The door slammed shut behind him. He tried the door. It was locked. The room was pitch black.  He ran his hands along the walls hoping to find an opening. He felt the spider webs and cracks and goey stuff all along the walls. Suddenly he felt his hand move and he heard a click.  The wall started moving. It opened up to another long dark hallway. He continued through hoping to find an excape.

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Posted by skmarlow

The scene about Jimmy in the castle is vivid! Great word choices (spider webs, little cracks in the walls, the door slamming shut) that really set the mood for this scene. It flows well, too, and I am with Jimmy as he tries to find a way out. Nice work, Nathan.

The scene with Berthum the Bear is so different from the scary scene with Jimmy. You did well to write two very different scenes. One calm, relaxing. One heart-pounding and tense. Oh...I suggest you change the "It WAS a very cold night..." to "It IS a very cold night..." The entire paragraph is in present tense, so the first sentence should be too, to be consistent.

Keep it up!

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