I haven't written in a long time, and there are such treasures I want to share.  Too many.  I'm sitting on the swing hanging from the porch at my father-in-law's log cabin in the mountains of Tennessee.  Fall is in the air & leaves are just starting to turn.  All I hear are birds singing & wind rustling through the trees, along with the faint laughter of children playing with their cousins in the woods.  There is such peace here. 

I'm picking one summer memory to share, and maybe I'll get to the rest someday.  We spent about 5 weeks at our church camp on the most beautiful lake in the south.  I was privaleged to be camp nurse & work with some amazing young people.  My kids had the pleasure of being "camp brats."  They rode horses, swam, did archery, skiied, hiked, studied nature, did crafts, and learned about Jesus every day.  It was incredible.  There was definitely some hard work involved, but totally worth it.  I didn't have nearly the free time I thought I would.  I was so hoping to have some amazing one on one spiritual time with the Lord, but being one of the few adults over age 22 lends itself to becoming a MOTHER for children & staff alike.  That's not a bad thing, just not exactly what I had planned. 

However, 2 of my precious friends, Sonya & Kelly, waited up for me one night until all the babes had been put to bed.  Then they took me out for a late night swim!  The lake water was so cool & refreshing.  The moon & stars were bright over head, and there was the same peace that I have right now.  Then I heard God speak, "This is My grace for you." 

You see, as a teenager, I had been an employee at this same camp one summer - very briefly.  Because I made some very poor choices, I was asked to leave.  It really was one of the moments I hit rock bottom, though there were several others.  It was an embarrassing, hated memory.  Now, almost 25 years later, He brought me back to this VERY SAME SPOT, where I brought Him such shame, and allowed me to work for Him, alongside Him , to heal & care for others,  while showing His love to campers & staff.

But it gets even better.  Yes, at this lovely spot, where I so dethroned Him as Lord of my life, my precious first-born son asked to be baptized.  One of my dearest friends, who knew me then, and knows me now, and somehow loves me anyway, baptized Alex in the waters of Lake Martin.  It was an amazing experience.  "This is what I can do," He told me.  GRACE.  I don't think I've ever felt more loved & forgiven & cleansed & hopeful than I did at that moment.  Complete redemption & restoration was lavished upon me.  Then He gave me the opportunity to tell others what He has done for me.  I love our God.

"Ugh!" I sighed as I leaded over in the shower, sticking my fingers into the drain and pulling out the glob of wet hair that was creating a pool out of my shower.  "This is so gross."

Then I started thinking, "How long has it been since I did this?"  And I realized, "Hey, I have enough hair falling out to clog the drain!  And I'm not going bald from chemo like I was the last time this happened 1 1/2 years ago!  This is a good day!  YEAH!!!"

"Mom, what is that thing sticking out of your side?!?!"  my son asked in an anxious voice.  I had raised my arms up to reach a book on a high shelf in our classroom, inadvertantly raising my shirt above the top of my pants. 

"That, my dear, is a roll of fat."  Yes, we have reached the muffin top stage & it's not very attractive.

"Oh.  It's kind of weird looking."

"Yes, I know.  That's what happens when you eat too much and don't exercise.  That's one reason why you and your sisters are in a swim program to help you stay at a healthy weight."

And then everyone chimes in simultaneously, "I'm glad I don't have that." 

I was cleared a few weeks ago to really start exercising again, so I guess I'd better get on it.  I'd hate to keep grossing out my children!

I just got back from my 20 year high school reunion.  It was a lot of fun catching up and interesting to see that though everyone seems exactly the same, we're all very different.  Everyone was bigger and balder, for the most part (except those of us covering the gray!).  The geeky, quiet, studious guy is now a 7 ft tall mayor who owns an accounting firm.  Hilarious.

I'm much better.  Still seeing the doctor regularly, and still have a small "hole" that needs to be tended to, but he promises that I will be skiing with my kids this summer.  We had company three weekends in a row, and then I was off to my reunion, so I would say that my life is back in full swing.  Paul is concerned I'm overdoing things, and he's probably right, but I want to LIVE. 

If you think of it, please say a prayer.  Our homeschool right now has hit a challenging time.  The inconsistency of the last two years has caught up with us and as I'm trying to get back to some routine and order, we're butting heads.  I so want the very best education for them, but we are really struggling with laziness and self-control and focusing.  So is their Mom - I guess it stems from the top!  I just want them to give their best, not the least that they can get by with. I want them to be a man and women of excellence.   When you see so much potential, it's frustrating!!!  But then I realize that God must want the same things for and from me.  AH - the lessons you want your children to learn are really the ones God needs to teach you as well.

I had the privalege of taking some of the members of "Terra's Team" to tea a few weeks ago with the help of my mother and mother-in-law.  It was so lovely.  I was awed to see how God fit the pieces of the puzzle together and created a beautiful masterpiece.  From grocery shopping, to childcare, cheauffeuring, laundry, cleaning, meals, spiritual support and prayers, there was not one thing that we needed that He didn't provide through this incredible group of women.  I have learned to be available for Him to work through me.  I must put down that "to-do" list and listen for His voice that tells me to go and minister for Him, even in a small way, because together, the body of Christ can do wonderful and big things that bring Him glory.

We spent Easter here with precious friends and had a family brunch and egg hunt.  I'm reminded so frequently these days that though the world is giving many false hopes and alternatives, Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life.  And no one comes to the Father but through Him.  The wisdom of God is foolishness to man, and in this day and age of Oprah, where man is so "enlightened" that he is his own God, the place I need to focus is God's word, and make sure everything I believe comes in line with that.  We can "think" and rationalize our way out of a simple, childlike faith, but everytime I study His Word, He reveals again that He is TRUTH.  Thank you, Jesus, for your life, death, and resurrection.  Thank You for everything that You are.  Lead us in the everlasting light.

One of my friends brought her yearbook to the reunion.  I was saddened and disheartened as I looked at the pictures of myself from long ago, and read some of the things I wrote and thought were important.  In fact, I cried a lot of the way home, realizing how very far away from God I was back then. I begged Him to protect my daughters and to put within them a desire for purity.   What could He have done with my life during those years if I'd just sold out for Him instead of doing all those things that instead brought dishonor and shame?  But praise the Lord for His amazing grace!  I once was lost, but now am found - was blind, but now I see.  "BUT GOD"  have become two of my favorite words from the Bible.  Nothing can stop His ultimate plan for our lives.  There's a song Alicia Williamson-Garcia sings called "Restored."  I kept singing it in my head all weekend.  The chorus goes something like this:

"Restored, restored.

What I used to be, I am not anymore.

No signs of condemnation hanging on my door.

Praise the Lord, I've been restored.

Thank you, Jesus.  I've been restored."

We had a little contest to see who was the most changed.  The 7 ft mayor won, of course.  But I wanted to jump on the table and cry "It's me!  Don't you see, it's me?" What the devil meant for bad, God can use for good!  There's hardly a part of me that's the same person on the inside!"   Redeeming love.  Amazing grace. 

- an amazing day with my family.  We went to the beach this afternoon and played in the sand and relaxed with the kids and the dog.  Got some great photos and I'm going to try and figure out how to post them.  Then Paul & Alex attended the Cub Scout "Blue & Gold" Banquet together, while the girls and I went to The University's Dinner Theatre to see "Thoroughly Modern Millie."  Fabulous day.  Glad I was here to watch them enjoy it.

-the wound vac.  I'm even more thankful that the doctor let me take it off for good (at least right now) this week, and though I still have an infection, everything seems to be healing well.  My anemia is improving and I feel better overall.

-a hot shower.  For the first time since December 18, I got to take full body shower this week!  (Yes, I have been washing regularly, it's just been a complicated process)  Oh - it is the simple things in life that make me really happy.  Have you ever thanked God that you live in a day and age where we actually have indoor plumbing and hot water heaters?  I do it all the time - well, not in the last 2 months, but I've started it up again.

-the opportunity and time to deal with heart matters in my children.  We've been having a problem with one frequently reoccurring "sin" in one daughter's life, and I'm just glad (even though I'm frustrated a wee bit) that I'm the one here to walk her down this path and mete out the discipline necessary to help her character grow. 

-my sister, who is a stellar attorney and amazing mom/wife helped win a $230 million dollar lawsuit this week!  (Yes, I'm bragging!!)

-our home.  Yes, it's cramped.  No, it's not my dream home.  I did find my dream home this week, completely by accident, and it's for sale!  It's absolutely the perfect size for our family, very warm and light and homey, and it's down the street from mom and dad, and on the water, with a great yard.  I simply fell in love.  One small issue - the cost.  $895,900.  Absolutely shocking.  I'm actually kind of proud that I didn't faint or even take a sharp breath when the realtor told me that.  I kept on acting like I was interested, and kept getting more info and had a lot to tell my husband about the house we'll never own.  But it was nice to dream for a few minutes.  My very "lived in" home is just what we need.  Our house payment is such that I don't have to work.  We have terrific neighbors.  And the location is good.  HMMMM.....maybe my sister could share part of her company's 40% with her poor, infected, anemic,  cancer surviving, previously baldheaded, in need of another new boob sister?  Just thinking.

-homeschool (most of the time) and a God who's faithful (all the time).  I was in quite a quandry before Christmas thinking that they would be better off in school because our lives have just continued to be a roller coaster for the last two years, but knowing that I didn't have the "go ahead" light from the Lord.  I prayed and asked others to pray for us, that we would have the wisdom to make the best decisions for our kids.  God clearly told me to homeschool- it's a story for another day, but I can tell you the day & time I was thrust into this venture with amazing clarity, and it truly was a "God -thing" that He directed.  So I figured, if He was ready for them to be back in school, He could just as clearly let me know that, as well.  Nothing happened.  I'll admit I was a bit skeptical about the progress they had made this year - it's just been very hard to be consistent with all we've had in our lives.  So when they took their "STAR" tests this week (kind of like very mini achievement tests), I was curious to see how they would measure up.  I am thrilled to report, and amazed at my God, who has kept both Alex and Madelyn in the 98th and 99th percentile (Molly's too young to test yet).  They are moving forward magnificently with the help of the Master Teacher.  I'm not bragging - just overcome with gratefulness at the goodness of God.

-a group of friends I can laugh and cry and hurt and pray and praise God with.  Priceless.

Just when things were starting to go well....the wound vac is back on again.  It seems I have a bit of an infection, so we're taking antibiotics again as well.  However, the good news is that what I thought was yellow pus coming out of an area on one of the suture lines is actually emulsified fat that's dying and needs a place to drain out (sorry for the graphic description).  So now the big question is:  HOW CAN I GET THE CELLULITE ON MY THIGHS TO DO THAT???

A very dear friend sent me an email this weekend with a link to a video and a church related magazine blog.  This friend is quite intelligent and well-read.  He recommended viewing and reading, so I did.  I won't get into the content, but suffice it to say, that by the time I finished the comments from several subjects on the magazine site, I felt like a complete simpleton.  I do not think complex, lofty thoughts like these people!  I could never spout off long quotes and references and various bible verses to prove my theological point in a nanosecond.  In fact, I felt quite stupid half the time, because I had no idea what their point actually was.

The realization I came to was this:  I am so thankful that God's grace extends to someone as incredibly simple as me.  It's OK for  people who are gifted thinkers and debaters to discuss deep theological issues such as "can you be a christian and not be tied to a particular denomination?"  But as for me, especially when my brain and memory have been so affected by the chemo, I am blessed to know that Christ came  and died to save me.  He loves me.  God LOVES me.  My response to the measure of love and mercy I've been blessed with can be nothing less than wholehearted everyday devotion to what He tells me to do.  And He will.  Day by day, moment by moment, if I choose to listen.  My God is faithful and true.  John 3:16.  It's very simple for a simple girl.

A cute little story from our house.....

     Last evening (fairly late) we were reading a devotional story with the kids, and when it was time to pray, I asked them to bow their heads and close their eyes, but did not ask them to kneel.  My son Alex, bounded down the steps of the bunkbed and threw himself prostrate upon the floor. 

     "Wow - good for you, Alex."  (This is especially impressive because he is the one in our family with the least desire to expend energy - of any kind, usually at any time...you get my drift.)

     "Well, Mom, it's good for two reasons," he replied in his wise old man way.  "First, it keeps me humble, and second, it gives my soul strength."

     "Did you hear that?"  I asked  my husband, who was half-asleep in my daughter's bed.  Of course, in his semi-comatose state he had missed it, so I repeated what Alex had said, reveling in the fact that he had condensed to one sentence what I'd heard Beth Moore  teach an entire weekend women's conference on  -  the benefits of going FACE DOWN before God.  I was overwhelmed with how God shows Himself to children, and thinking "what spiritual parents this child must have that he is so sensitive to the teaching of the Holy Spirit!"

     "No, Mom," my lofty thoughts were interrupted.  " I said SKULL strength.  You know, it makes my skull stronger when I press it into the floor."

OH.  I had no idea of the physical benefits one actually could obtain while pressing one's forehead to the hardwood floor.

     Feeling a bit deflated, I reminded myself that at least he got it half right!  Praise the Lord, O my SOUL!

On a completely different note, I was able to say "Good-bye!" to the wound vac yesterday.  No more croaking machines and tubes to lug around, thankfully.  The skin graft appears to be healing well, and my donor site (which shall remain nameless) isn't very bothersome at all.  Thankfully, I've had more energy the last couple of days.  Pray that the anemia would be completely healed, so I can get back to the business of  "wife & mommy."  We appreciate your prayers more than you know.

  "

Thanks for your prayers.  The surgery seems to have gone very well yesterday.  Got home last night and slept great thanks to the effects of anesthesia!  We'll find out how the graft "took" tomorrow at the doctor's office.

Now.....today it's back to reality and homeschool.  We've had the early part of the week off due to "Mardi Gras."  It's very hard to "do school" when all the other neighborhood kids (and family) are knocking on your door, and Daddy is off work.   

I have another MD appt today.  That's been the routine 3-4 times per week since my hospital discharge on Christmas Eve.  I believe he's going to set me up for skin graft surgery on Wednesday.  It's outpatient, and should not take very long.  They need to cover the rather large hole in the side of my chest.  Thankfully, my wound vac (basically a small portable vacuum cleaner) has done a great job of helping close up some of the area, so now a skin graft is possible.  It's been an interesting experience, walking around with a box that croaks like a frog every two or three seconds, and has clear tubing that shows your blood being sucked out.  We've stayed low-key, as you can imagine.  This will help things heal up, and then we'll try reconstruction again in a few months. 

I looked up the words to a song to send to a friend this morning who felt "silent."  Then they ministered to me.  I wish I could write like this....

"Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side;  Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;  Leave to thy God to order and provide;  In every change He faithful will remain.   Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly friend through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."

"Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake to guide the future as He has the past.  Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last.  Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below."

"Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord, when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.  Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last."

I can't wait.

     It's become my life verse in the last two years.  "In all our affliction, I am overflowing with joy."  Even when I'm not.  "Please, God, make it true," says the cry of my heart.  And when I take a hard look at the reality of life around me, we are blessed beyond measure, even if our path has taken unexpected turns and twists.  Stage 3B cancer at age 35 with three young children?  Definitely not planned.  Mastectomy, radiation, chemo, no hair, unbelievable exhaustion?  Never in my wildest dreams.  Complications from reconstruction that baffle the medical team?  Just when I thought things were going to "get back to normal," they are taking even stranger roads. 

     How can you homeschool through all this?  Well, I can't even imagine trying to get my kids to school by 7:45 every morning, fed, dressed, organized, and with all their homework and projects done.  No, we decided that if, God forbid, our worst fears came true, and death would eventually come knocking on my door,  the place I want my children right now, is here with me.  Am I a stellar teacher in my current condition?  No, but I know ONE who is.  And He cares more about my children's preparation for the work He has for them to do than I ever could.  So because He led us clearly down this path four years ago, and has not given the word that there's a different way He desires for us to take, we trust in His ability to work ALL things together for good.  And He has blessed immeasurably - the kids are well ahead of where they need to be in spite of me. 

     "Blessings all mine, with 10,000 besides," goes the old hymn.  My husband, Paul, has been remarkable.  Family, friends - I could never in a million years repay the kindnesses and help and prayers they have given in our behalf.  What a witness they have been to my children of what true Christianity is!  Bible studies that have prepared me for this time....I could never have made it through without the hope that is ours in Jesus Christ.  How does an unbeliever survive?  Thank you, Kay Arthur, Beth Moore, Nancy Leigh DeMoss and my precious teachers at Cottage Hill Baptist Church.  You helped me know a God so much bigger and greater than I ever realized.  He's Jehovah Rapha - the Healer, and infinitely more. The list of His attributes is endless.

     So, in response to a few requests to keep folks updated on our progress without having to call all the time, I'll try to keep this current.  And for those of you we don't know, I pray that somehow you would see a God so great, that nothing is out of His control, and that even in tears and pain, we can have true JOY, as long as we know who we are IN HIM.