And finally my 3rd repost from facebook.  This was originally written on Feb 23, 2009...so references to time in this note were in relation to that date...

Every once in a while (more often that I'd like) I can get down on myself...seriously feeling like I will never be good enough. And I have such a hard time trying to balance on this fine line of faith vs. works...you know faith without works is dead, works without faith is worthless...and when to decide how much is enough and when to just step back and let the Grace of God carry me. There is this longing within me to be better than I am...but I fail miserably at it. Lately there has been a lot said on the "Fire of God" and I would love for God's fire within me to burn consistantly - blazing and pure - but, alas it fluxuates...not because of God necessarily, but because of me. And so I go thru periods of time when I'm not doing all that I should and the flame begins to subside. I don't know if I will ever "get it right" in this life...but I am thankful and trusting that my God loves me and is not going to let the flame be snuffed out.

Last night was one of those nights when after a day where little things were said here and there by different people - none of which by themselves were really a problem at all - but by the end of the day they had built up and finally sent me "over the edge" and together all of it left me feeling like everything I do or don't do was selfish, uncaring, lazy and foolish. Now granted some of those thoughts may be more true than I'd like them to be...and I so I don't want to just dismiss them as lies. Yet, I'm not sure how to tell the difference sometimes between what might be a lie and what is a real call to change my attitude and behavior...and with the latter, I'm not sure how to change exactly, so that I'm not just "doing" for the sake of doing...SIGH.

Anyway, I was reminded of a song...I think it says things pretty clearly, and once again it took my focus off myself...off my weaknesses and shortcomings and put it back where my focus should be, which is on Jesus! 


Definition of Me by Steven Curtis Chapman

Here come those words again
I run for cover, I’m dodging them.
But still they seem to find their way
around my best defense
Here come those little thoughts
of all I ought to be but I’m not
I try talking to myself
but I’m still not convinced
I’m good, I’m bad, I’m everything in between oh
I’m this, I’m that, but really God we both know

It is Your love that defines me
and Your love that reminds me
it’s not what I do
This life I live, You have given
and in You I am hidden
This is what I know is true
that the definition of me is You

This ladder never ends
I climb up then I slide down again
Still they say you’ve not arrived
until you reach the top
But Your kingdom’s upside down
it is the servant who wears the crown
First is last and last is first
and You’re all that I’m not
‘Cause I’m weak, You’re strong, I’m empty ‘til You fill me
I sing this song to keep myself remembering

It is Your love that defines me
and Your love that reminds me
it’s not what I do
This life I live, You have given
and in You I am hidden
This is what I know is true
that the definition of me is You

I have been made by You
I have been saved by You
All that I am is all because of You
I’m weak, You’re strong, I’m empty but You fill me
I’m singing this song to keep myself remembering

It is Your love that defines
and Your love that reminds me
it’s not what I do
This life I live You have given
and in You, I am hidden
This is what I know is true
that the definition of me is You