Pressing on Toward the Goal: The Incredible Journey

Jun. 23, 2009

My Grandmother...Ruth Lamonde 9/12/1917 - 6/22/2009

Well, it finally happened. My grandmother is gone. (It's funny I almost thought she would outlive us all!) I'm not sure how I feel exactly. There are a lot of mixed emotions and it's hard to express what is going through my mind. But I'm going to try to put them into words. And maybe I can have closure and actually move on.

When I was little, I loved my grandmother…but she wasn't your typical grandmother. First of all my grandparents didn't live near us. We were in New Hampshire, they were in North Carolina. So I really only saw them a couple times a year while growing up. She wasn't your "cookie" baking grandma…although she did make this fabulous cake - Sunshine Cake - LOL!

When I was 5 she gave me yarn and material for my birthday (she was going to make me some clothes and a sweater). Now I don't necessarily begrudge her for that (well maybe a little) but, after all I was 5. What 5 year old is going to understand and appreciate the thought behind that? And who knows she may have given me other gifts that were more to my liking as a kid, and I just don't remember them - but that particular gift stands out in my memory.

However, it's really not about the gifts …even though gifts as I discovered as an adult is one of my primary love languages. It was not hers. And that's okay. I know for myself I am not always able to give like I want to deep within myself…so I can understand for someone who doesn’t "speak" love in that way isn't going to for the most part. But my other primary love language is words of affirmation…maybe even more so than gifts…at least with her because she wasn't affirming with me. Instead she was critical…but it was always "sugar-coated". She said it was because she loved me and was concerned about me. Which I'm sure she was. But all I really ever wanted was for her to love me just the way I was…but in reality I never really did live up to her "ideal".

In my heart I know that it doesn't really matter what she thought of me…God's opinion of me was all that truly mattered. Still it doesn't make the hurt completely go away. And I have forgiven her…but because I am human the memories remain. She was my grandmother and I should have wonderful memories. Don't get me wrong it wasn't horrible all the time…but the critical comments, and well meaning words are sometimes more vivid than any of the times that were positive.

So here I am, wondering how I am supposed to feel. I'm sad, but I'm not sure for what reason. Am I sad because she's gone and I loved her...am I sad because I wish she had been different, am I sad because I feel guilty for not having gone to see her with my parents and Bridgette a couple of weeks ago, am I sad that I am relieved she is gone? All of the above?

In truth, I've been waiting for her to die for several years now, as harsh as that sound. But I knew that once she did I wouldn't have to worry about hearing anymore of those well meaning critical words. That I would be relieved that it would finally be over. That I would be relieved that Bridgette wouldn't have to experience what I did. I feel horrible for feeling this way…but I am just that…relieved.

I'm not sure what exactly the true nature of my grandmother's beliefs were…she claimed to be a Christian and I believed that she was saved even if it was in the simplest of terms…so my prayer is that one day after Jesus returns and we are experiencing eternal life, maybe then we will finally have that loving relationship that I have always wanted..the kind of relationship that I had with my Aunt Mary or with Brian's grandmother even. Only time will tell.

Until then, I will try to focus on and remember the positive things about her. She was a talented painter (who didn't start painting until she was in her 50's! See the album "Some of My Grandmother's Paintings) She was a southerner through and through…and as a kid, after spending just a few days around her, I would begin to pick up her accent! I remember some of her distinct saying such as "Oh my stars"! I remember when she finally gave in to being called something other than "Grandmother" after Bridgette was old enough to talk…she became "Great Grandma Ruth"!

Even the things that came from her strong "A-type" personality, that at times were aggravating as all get out, looking back are very funny - such as the time she was trying to "out run" a thunderstorm driving on some North Carolina back road! Or how she would get so frustrated with my Grampy (they had been married 60 years when he died in 1998!) when ever he would do something wrong…and she'd say "Oh Paul" with that southern drawl that just can't be mimicked in writing. Or how going to a store with her (in her younger days of 70 or 80!) was so amusing as she would rush down the aisles completely oblivious to whoever she was with or other shoppers…she had a mission to accomplish and wasn't going to let anything get in her way!

This mentality showed up in other places too, she was an avid gardener, and even up until a couple years ago, would be out early in the morning every day to work in it. I remember as a kid at their house in North Carolina - before they sold it and moved to Florida - in their basement would be shelves and freezers full of canned or frozen fruits and veggies. She was thrifty and frugal almost to a fault, having gone through the depression…in a very large and poor family. She was an identical twin…the youngest of 30…yes you read that right! Her father had been married twice and had 15 kids with his first wife and after she died, he remarried and had another 15 kids! So in a way, I can understand why she was the way she was. Her life was hard, and it colored the way she looked at everything.

The thing that I will take with me in regards to my grandmother, is this lesson…that even if someone isn't the way I think they should be, I will try to not judge them as she always seemed to do (and sometimes that is very hard)…that I will trust God to do whatever changes in that person that he requires…and rely on him to give me the love he wants me to have for that person…that God would give me the eyes to see them as he sees them, not how I think they should be. ("...Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7)

I know in her heart that my grandmother did love me, and so I will look past the outward (how she showed that love in the things she said) and just try to remember that in her heart she did mean well. For me, I want my words and actions to match my well meaning heart…but, boy do I have a long way to go! Thank goodness I trust in a God who says that "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

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