Nov. 21, 2007 - what i've learned....
I've learned that friends screw up, we make mistakes, we must improve our selves in order to be better friends/people.
I've learned that we're all failures to the world and that we're all just looking for approval and to get that approval we must become what our friends want us to be, we must wear a certain mask around them. not around all our friends, just different ones for different friends. I've learned that we always can't be happy, believe me, I've tried. it doesn't work.
I've learned that even if we mean to be helping, we still sometimes make it worse.
I've learned that sometimes we just really need a hug and an 'I love you' and those words can make everything better.
I've learned that no matter what there are people that will always love us. and there not always your family.
I've learned that sometimes you just need quiet or your music or whatever it is that calms your nerves. and than everything will be a little better.
I've learn that the world is a messed up place and no one looks as good as they do in magazines, and t.v and other media things.
I've learned that you just sometimes got to swallow your pride and just let other people bash you down in order to make you a better person. but at the same time, not let them control you.
I've learned that you can't make every one happy all the time.
I've learned that sometimes we just need a breather.
I've learned that you do get sick of people because you see them so often.
I've learned that we're not perfect.
I've learned the world has its problems you can't fix, you just got to let it do its own thing.
I've learned every one is emo, after all, we do all have emotions, so why do we got to tease those that have ones that aren't always happy?
I've learned that life sucks, you just got to deal with it and wake up everyday preparing for the problems you'll face that day.
I've learned that we all need a hug.
I've learned that sometimes the little things matter the most.
I've learned that every one has their things their OCD about. whether or not they can help it.
I've learned a lot of things, and I still have a lot to learn.
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Nov. 16, 2007 - wells...
okay, so the battle is slowing being won, key word, slowly. i am getting better and it is slow progress. like ill be good for 3 wks. and than i'll slip and i'll do it for about three days, of course i tell my bf, and he talks me down, gently and lovingly, and than...hell say if i do it again ill have to do it to him, and i dont wanna do it to him so i try really really hard not to do it, and than i wont, than ill slip, so its a constant battle. but, thankfully its getting better. i havent really done it...
thats all thats new.
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Oct. 6, 2007 - update.
ok, i told my pastor. and like since than i hadn't done it in two weeks... than came Thursday night.. i had wanted to do it through out the day. and than i got in a fight with my bro, and i did it, without thinking. but i felt really bad, and i told my bf, who happend to be online when it happend.... so yeah. thats the update, besides Thursday, I've been a good girl.
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Sep. 14, 2007 - okay, so...here
i know the two people that posted comments on my last entry said i need to get help, and i agree. i just...dont want to. i mean, i told my boyfriend, so he is keeping good..i guess, cuz he said that if i did it, i would have to do it to him. and i dont want to do it to him, so i think of that when i want to...and its been, good. and i was going to tell my pastor. and i am, still. but when i was going to my mom was sitting right there. so i didnt talk to him. but i am hopefully going to be able to catch him sunday. and i might do it during sunday school, if we go. so i have told some one.
now with the whole fat and ugly thing, that went away, thankfully.
so... i think that about it.
wait! now with the whole emo cutting thing, i go through my phases of that like, one month, i wont think of it at all, and the next one im like... fighting hard not to.
(and no, i havent actully taken the blade yet. and its not tempting anymore since i found a diff way)
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Sep. 6, 2007 - red marks on the arm.
ah yes, the wonderful world of 'emo'. no, i did not cut myself, yes, i am very tempted to. im just to scared to acctully take the knife and do it. no, instead i found a differnt way to inflict pain on myself with out actully leaving a mark. well, outside of the one i have from like 2'clock... its really quite nice, so i get the pain i want, without leaving scars. and no one knows, well, besides you guys and God. but its easliy hidden from my friends and family. and i know i shouldn't but...i just...am. im also tempted to go on a diet even if i dont need it. i really dont. if anything i should be pumping up the caliores. and i know im being stupid...it just... gives me controll i guess.... and i like that. i dont know why, i guess cause people love power....
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Jul. 13, 2007 - well...
its happening again. satan almost had me in a hold. i was sitting there looking at a scratch i got from something (who knows what) and i was thinking, you know, if i just cut here, no one would really notice... and so that thought went on for like, forever. and than eventully i just got fed up and prayed. cause it wasnt like a pressing thought, it was one of those that came and went. but i got it to go way, and it was awesome.
I love how God can answer prayers like that. its just one of the many awesome things he does.
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Jul. 8, 2007 - thinking....
Im not sure, just every now and than satan has a loose grip on me and makes me think im still fat and i should just kill myself, when i know thats not true, i know i have a purpose and that im already beautiful no matter what you people think. but like the other night something happend and i was thinking to myself, 'well, if i cant do the one thing that they dont want me to do, than i should just kill myself and everyone would be...happy. but yet not happy at the same time cause they would lose a friend.' or something like that. but its really getting annoying. i mean, it dosent happen often, but just enough to remind me that its still there. and im sad about that. and theres just a few more lil things im dealing with, but thats a later blog...
and im sorry for depressing stuff but i wont write much but when i do, its going to probably be depressing...
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Jul. 4, 2007 - hey
well, ive had the blog for a while, but this is the first time ive written on it. so here i go. in a few months it will be a 2 year marking of when i started to be depressed, and sucidial. and lately ive been feeling really insecure. and it sucks, real bad. if you guys could pray for me that would be great.
i guess thats all for now...
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I going to hound you with stuff that you might not want to hear cause its kinda depressing and might make you sad.
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