Mar. 28, 2009 - emotional mess
hmm.. I only have ten minutes to spill my heart out on this site, where people may or may not read it. i really dont care, i get to vent this way, and i think of it as a...i dont know how to word it.. but in a sense, a diary, only more of a spirtual one where i can look back and see how God has worked in my life.
to be more depressing, which is why i get on, is that i have no idea how i feel right now, one minute i am compleatly happy and living life up, the next im super quite (more so than normal.. which is really really quite) and i have no idea why. I'm not clincly diagonsed as bipolor or depressed, but i am a teen girl. i guess thats reason enough. but i feel like i have no one to talk to about my problems, well, i do, but i dont have any one my age. they all have back stabbed me. please don't try to say 'oh, im sure they havent, its just your emotions,' they really have, they come to me with problems and i give advice (sure, they might not ask for it, but i also ask questions, and half the time i have been in the same situation just with diff faces) and i can relate and i say what i did in that situation. and yet, i am called the drama queen. okay, i get once again i am teen girl and thats just part of life. but tell me, how is it drama when Jill (from previous blog) freaks out that her bf Jack hasn't made any form of contact in one day, when every one knows that he is in town. but yet when the guy i like (liked, ill write a diff blog bout that tomorrow,) hasn't contacted me in about two weeks, and i start freaking out after a week in a half. i just dont get where she gets that im the drama queen of the realationship...
um.. what else, oh, so because of that factor, i have decided i really am done with people. i dont care what you say, i will be the unsocliazed physco homeschooler. its kinda fun actually. sure, ill make aquentices just so i have a social life. but that will be strictly school, no where else.
ill write more tomorrow, im bout to be kicked off. till than,
-Nikki
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Dec. 18, 2008 - more depressing news....
Okay, two things. First is the less depressing one. Secound one makes my soul hurt.
First is, today was blasted cookie day. I hate cookie day. Its really loud , crazy, chaotic, and to many bloody sweets are produced. anyhow, aside from the million people resideing at my house currently, I saw my friend whos annoyed at me.
Of course her and her bf were all over each other. I had come back from dropping a friend off at his work and i went to go hang out with them and i stood around for like 5-10 mins and i wasn't hardly acknowledge cause her and her bf (lets call the girl Jill, her bf Jack) were wrestiling on the trampoline. Eventually i got cold and went inside. I was inside for like an hour or so before they came up to my room to find me.and of course Jack and Jill were there together. and i asked the guys to leave at one point. and they all asked why, i said my room no guys. and like 2 of the 3 left. Jack didn't leave. I asked him to leave again, and he told me he was supervising Jill and me. I asked Jill why we couldn't be alone (jack also mentiond something like that..) and Jill said that her parents think im a bad influence.... that hurts my feelings. Just cause i tell Jill that i cant keep her cutting secret a secret anymore (after like, 6 months) and she needs to tell an adult before i do... im a bad influence. and Jills dad also threw out the fact i have an 18 y/o bf... and thats bad.. and hes not really my bf. and i only see him like twice a year at church events... its not like i see or talk to him all the time. I don't understand how trying to save there daughters life makes me a bad influence and im not allowed to be left alone with her. yet Jack and Jill were pratically on each others lap the whole time while they were in my room... *head bangs wall* I dont get it... thats another very annoying situation. and we wont go there for your sake. so yea.. im not allowed to be alone with my only best girl friend... cause im a bad influence... i don't understand that. Im not any worse than the rest of her friends.
Secound, my friend in the millitary admits to being possessed. okay, i need to tell the story...(this is what i sent to a few pastors...)
Okay, normally i wouldn't email you guys, but i really just can't let this go, and he needs all the prayer he can get. I have a friend who is in the army. He 'accepted' Christ about a year ago, but i soon found out after youth camp that he wasn't a Christian anymore and was currently doing Shintoism, but even than he wasn't even really into that. He started the line of thinking that God has a dark side, and has 3 or 4 children on His dark side. I would (and still am) talking and asking him questions about his current belief while questioning him about souls,God, and such. I was talking to him tonight and talking about going to Arlington cemetery and how i wanted to cry. He mentioned that when he was there that he had cried, and something about that he might end up there one day. I replied with something along the lines of 'I would be really heartbroken if you died young.' he asked why and i replied that one of the reasons was of his salvation. He said that i should know that he wasn't a Christian, and i said i knew that but i hope that he would be. he than told me that his current religion was Paganism. i clarified and asked if that meant the one with the herbs and the star pentagram and bit my tongue in order not to say ' oh, so the less dark version of satanic worship.' he then proceed to tell me he was a Necromancer. when i asked what that was (cause i was told that summoning spirits was wrong) he told me to look it up. and i tried. but i went to a web site and i started to freak out while it was loading. so we then proceed on the conversation about Necromancer. he told me all this stuff about him summoning bodies in order to watch the decomposition on the bones and flesh and that they could do it by the energy left in there bodies. I asked where they got the energy. if it was a soul, or just whatever was left in the body. and i also asked about if we even did have a soul, and how would the whole energy work since or souls would either be in Heaven or Hell. he told me that our souls leave a trace of energy behind, and when they summon the bodies, the soul can either decide to come back to the bodies or just leave it be. I asked him if he has ever summoned a body, and he said he has, but it took so much energy from him that he passed out. (i being human, laughed at this, slightly please that he hadn't quite done it) i asked if he had seen any one do it, and he said he has. after that tid bit, i told him that i don't think that souls can come back into the body and it was actually demons. he than told me he had 'a' demon inside of him that was given to him when he became a necromancer. I than freaked out. i asked if it had a name, and he said it doesn't and that its just a energy. i told him again that he was trending in dangerous waters. he said he knew that, but he knew that he 'has' more control over the demon than the demon has. (i laughed sightly again.) but, to me, it was one thing when he was going from like Shintoism, to thinking God has a dark side... that bugged me, but this just absolutely terrifies me. cause he knows hes messing around with demons and he doesn't seem to care. and i know i can't be the only one praying for him all the time. simply because I forget, and I'm just one person and he needs more than that i believe. this time, my soul actually hurts and i really am about to cry. the other times i was really sad that Satan was getting a hold of him. but now it just off the chain. I also already worry about him a lot because of him being in the army and him possibly being sent to an infantry division. If you guys could just pray for him, i would really appreciate it.
Oh, he tends to change religion every couple of months, which is.. good? but now that hes possessed... thats not going to change untill hes a Christian. so im just really freaking out about this. its really sad.
Other than that.. i think life is alright. I got to see a guy friend i hadn't seen in a while. we had a somewhat nice (it was awkward) convo. and then i saw one of my bros friends who hasn't been around in a couple of weeks. that made me happy also.
-Nikki
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Dec. 13, 2008 - Gods sense of humor....
so, if you read my last entry you would know about all the drama. i might have mentioned how annoyed i was cause she also has her drama that i deal with. and i tended to do the even load thing (or at least, i think i am) so i was really annoyed/pissed/ticked, whatever word you like, that shes 'turned' on me. anyhow, so a that night, or the next night, i picked up my bible that i have neglected to read for 10 days and started reading Romans. yea.. the first two chapters are about judging and hypocrites... yea.. well, thats the parts that stuck out to me at least. dude, i was like 'Fine God, i know im a judgemental hypocrite. I'll tell my friend that im sorry next time i see her aloneish.."
i think thats about it. yea.. i think that is.
-Nikki
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Dec. 9, 2008 - ask me how I am, I'll say "I'm living."
So, I know it has been a while. I'm sorry for those who have read my blog and got sad that a teen girl was going through all this. Um... Well, I'm better, for the most part. I haven't "Cut" since Febuaray. It was a gift to a friend who knew about it. Her birthday was about that time. However, I am sadly dealing with eating disorder crud. It's really sad cause i am already a size 0. Last night i was lying in bed plotting how long i could get away with it before some one noticed. I figured until summer, but if i were to wear long sleeves all summer, people would get suspious. the only reason why i would wear long sleeves is to hide how thin my arms are, and to keep me warm. I tend to be cold all the time anyhow. So that temptation/demon/problem, whatever you want to call it, is always following me around, lurking over my head.
I broke up with my Boyfriend a couple of monthes ago. yes, i was depressed slightly, for about a week or two until i found out the exact reason why some adults didn't like him. We both have moved on, and we still talk without it being awkward. thats a plus, I was really worried that we would hate each other after we broke up. and i really did want to be his friend, thankfully were cool =).
Um... a friend and myself are having a spaz... her Boyfriend called me a liar, even though he told me like 10 times not to say something to her, and when she asked him (and his mom) about it, he said that he never said that. And it wasn't like it needed to be super secretive anyhow, so i don't know why he's saying that anyhow. I don't like him. I mean, I do, hes a good guy, but hes really immuture at times. as I am also. and of course I am called a drama queen, which i admit, i can be. but i found this really amusing cause i was dealing with her freaking out when her bf didn't communacate with her for a day, and she was dealing with a issue that needed to be told to an adult. (i finally caved and threated to give her two weeks to tell some one before i told our youth pastor. she didn't like that so much, but she did it. =]) and I sit her and tell her i freak out after a week of no cummunaction from the guy i like, and she doesn't know all these thoughts of 'not being liked' (i know i am, but i don't know how to quite describe it) and feeling fat/ugly and stuff, and she freaked out on me after i told her something 'dramatic' (i meant it to be a funny story.) and blew up on me telling me that i was always drama and that life didn't need to be a sitcom all the time. I laughed. sent a real immuture email back. yea... cried/yelled for the next 30-45 mins telling my mom everything. including how pissed of i was at my friends bfs mom... (yea, long story, we wont go there)um... yea... were having a spaz right now.
I have really offically decided that people/life sucks. yes, i include myself in the people mix. I suck, i get that. anyhow, because of this reason. i have also decided i want to be locked up in a padded room with my music and bible and never deal with people again. (Including my mother who won't get off my back now about this problem. This is the reason i never talk to her. she tells me stuff i know i need to do a million and one times each day for a weeks straight. *Sighs in frustration* I know she's trying to help... but i hate it. i vented, what more does she want????)
Wow, I love the teenage years. 
I think that is all. over all, I am better. for the most part. I still struggle, but we all do. I'm sorry you had to deal with all this crud, but you're the only ones i could really tell with out you knowing who i am. If i were to tell my friends...that wouldn't go over well. I needed to vent. again.
With much thanks,
-Nikki
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Nov. 21, 2007 - what i've learned....
I've learned that friends screw up, we make mistakes, we must improve our selves in order to be better friends/people.
I've learned that we're all failures to the world and that we're all just looking for approval and to get that approval we must become what our friends want us to be, we must wear a certain mask around them. not around all our friends, just different ones for different friends. I've learned that we always can't be happy, believe me, I've tried. it doesn't work.
I've learned that even if we mean to be helping, we still sometimes make it worse.
I've learned that sometimes we just really need a hug and an 'I love you' and those words can make everything better.
I've learned that no matter what there are people that will always love us. and there not always your family.
I've learned that sometimes you just need quiet or your music or whatever it is that calms your nerves. and than everything will be a little better.
I've learn that the world is a messed up place and no one looks as good as they do in magazines, and t.v and other media things.
I've learned that you just sometimes got to swallow your pride and just let other people bash you down in order to make you a better person. but at the same time, not let them control you.
I've learned that you can't make every one happy all the time.
I've learned that sometimes we just need a breather.
I've learned that you do get sick of people because you see them so often.
I've learned that we're not perfect.
I've learned the world has its problems you can't fix, you just got to let it do its own thing.
I've learned every one is emo, after all, we do all have emotions, so why do we got to tease those that have ones that aren't always happy?
I've learned that life sucks, you just got to deal with it and wake up everyday preparing for the problems you'll face that day.
I've learned that we all need a hug.
I've learned that sometimes the little things matter the most.
I've learned that every one has their things their OCD about. whether or not they can help it.
I've learned a lot of things, and I still have a lot to learn.
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Nov. 16, 2007 - wells...
okay, so the battle is slowing being won, key word, slowly. i am getting better and it is slow progress. like ill be good for 3 wks. and than i'll slip and i'll do it for about three days, of course i tell my bf, and he talks me down, gently and lovingly, and than...hell say if i do it again ill have to do it to him, and i dont wanna do it to him so i try really really hard not to do it, and than i wont, than ill slip, so its a constant battle. but, thankfully its getting better. i havent really done it...
thats all thats new.
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Oct. 6, 2007 - update.
ok, i told my pastor. and like since than i hadn't done it in two weeks... than came Thursday night.. i had wanted to do it through out the day. and than i got in a fight with my bro, and i did it, without thinking. but i felt really bad, and i told my bf, who happend to be online when it happend.... so yeah. thats the update, besides Thursday, I've been a good girl.
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Sep. 14, 2007 - okay, so...here
i know the two people that posted comments on my last entry said i need to get help, and i agree. i just...dont want to. i mean, i told my boyfriend, so he is keeping good..i guess, cuz he said that if i did it, i would have to do it to him. and i dont want to do it to him, so i think of that when i want to...and its been, good. and i was going to tell my pastor. and i am, still. but when i was going to my mom was sitting right there. so i didnt talk to him. but i am hopefully going to be able to catch him sunday. and i might do it during sunday school, if we go. so i have told some one.
now with the whole fat and ugly thing, that went away, thankfully.
so... i think that about it.
wait! now with the whole emo cutting thing, i go through my phases of that like, one month, i wont think of it at all, and the next one im like... fighting hard not to.
(and no, i havent actully taken the blade yet. and its not tempting anymore since i found a diff way)
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Sep. 6, 2007 - red marks on the arm.
ah yes, the wonderful world of 'emo'. no, i did not cut myself, yes, i am very tempted to. im just to scared to acctully take the knife and do it. no, instead i found a differnt way to inflict pain on myself with out actully leaving a mark. well, outside of the one i have from like 2'clock... its really quite nice, so i get the pain i want, without leaving scars. and no one knows, well, besides you guys and God. but its easliy hidden from my friends and family. and i know i shouldn't but...i just...am. im also tempted to go on a diet even if i dont need it. i really dont. if anything i should be pumping up the caliores. and i know im being stupid...it just... gives me controll i guess.... and i like that. i dont know why, i guess cause people love power....
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Jul. 13, 2007 - well...
its happening again. satan almost had me in a hold. i was sitting there looking at a scratch i got from something (who knows what) and i was thinking, you know, if i just cut here, no one would really notice... and so that thought went on for like, forever. and than eventully i just got fed up and prayed. cause it wasnt like a pressing thought, it was one of those that came and went. but i got it to go way, and it was awesome.
I love how God can answer prayers like that. its just one of the many awesome things he does.
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Jul. 8, 2007 - thinking....
Im not sure, just every now and than satan has a loose grip on me and makes me think im still fat and i should just kill myself, when i know thats not true, i know i have a purpose and that im already beautiful no matter what you people think. but like the other night something happend and i was thinking to myself, 'well, if i cant do the one thing that they dont want me to do, than i should just kill myself and everyone would be...happy. but yet not happy at the same time cause they would lose a friend.' or something like that. but its really getting annoying. i mean, it dosent happen often, but just enough to remind me that its still there. and im sad about that. and theres just a few more lil things im dealing with, but thats a later blog...
and im sorry for depressing stuff but i wont write much but when i do, its going to probably be depressing...
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Jul. 4, 2007 - hey
well, ive had the blog for a while, but this is the first time ive written on it. so here i go. in a few months it will be a 2 year marking of when i started to be depressed, and sucidial. and lately ive been feeling really insecure. and it sucks, real bad. if you guys could pray for me that would be great.
i guess thats all for now...
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About Me
this blog is for more of the sad stuff in my life. No, I am not depressed, even if it seems like it. I just vent on this blog.
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