Dec. 9, 2008 - ask me how I am, I'll say "I'm living."
So, I know it has been a while. I'm sorry for those who have read my blog and got sad that a teen girl was going through all this. Um... Well, I'm better, for the most part. I haven't "Cut" since Febuaray. It was a gift to a friend who knew about it. Her birthday was about that time. However, I am sadly dealing with eating disorder crud. It's really sad cause i am already a size 0. Last night i was lying in bed plotting how long i could get away with it before some one noticed. I figured until summer, but if i were to wear long sleeves all summer, people would get suspious. the only reason why i would wear long sleeves is to hide how thin my arms are, and to keep me warm. I tend to be cold all the time anyhow. So that temptation/demon/problem, whatever you want to call it, is always following me around, lurking over my head.
I broke up with my Boyfriend a couple of monthes ago. yes, i was depressed slightly, for about a week or two until i found out the exact reason why some adults didn't like him. We both have moved on, and we still talk without it being awkward. thats a plus, I was really worried that we would hate each other after we broke up. and i really did want to be his friend, thankfully were cool =).
Um... a friend and myself are having a spaz... her Boyfriend called me a liar, even though he told me like 10 times not to say something to her, and when she asked him (and his mom) about it, he said that he never said that. And it wasn't like it needed to be super secretive anyhow, so i don't know why he's saying that anyhow. I don't like him. I mean, I do, hes a good guy, but hes really immuture at times. as I am also. and of course I am called a drama queen, which i admit, i can be. but i found this really amusing cause i was dealing with her freaking out when her bf didn't communacate with her for a day, and she was dealing with a issue that needed to be told to an adult. (i finally caved and threated to give her two weeks to tell some one before i told our youth pastor. she didn't like that so much, but she did it. =]) and I sit her and tell her i freak out after a week of no cummunaction from the guy i like, and she doesn't know all these thoughts of 'not being liked' (i know i am, but i don't know how to quite describe it) and feeling fat/ugly and stuff, and she freaked out on me after i told her something 'dramatic' (i meant it to be a funny story.) and blew up on me telling me that i was always drama and that life didn't need to be a sitcom all the time. I laughed. sent a real immuture email back. yea... cried/yelled for the next 30-45 mins telling my mom everything. including how pissed of i was at my friends bfs mom... (yea, long story, we wont go there)um... yea... were having a spaz right now.
I have really offically decided that people/life sucks. yes, i include myself in the people mix. I suck, i get that. anyhow, because of this reason. i have also decided i want to be locked up in a padded room with my music and bible and never deal with people again. (Including my mother who won't get off my back now about this problem. This is the reason i never talk to her. she tells me stuff i know i need to do a million and one times each day for a weeks straight. *Sighs in frustration* I know she's trying to help... but i hate it. i vented, what more does she want????)
Wow, I love the teenage years. 
I think that is all. over all, I am better. for the most part. I still struggle, but we all do. I'm sorry you had to deal with all this crud, but you're the only ones i could really tell with out you knowing who i am. If i were to tell my friends...that wouldn't go over well. I needed to vent. again.
With much thanks,
-Nikki
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Dec. 10, 2008 - Untitled Comment |
| Posted by tiarali79 |
Hey. It's good to hear that you're ok. I know the teen years can be hard. Been there, done that. I don't know why some people say, 'these are the best years of your life' unless it's because they're so old they've forgotten what it was like :)
I have a real life friend who's been dealing with some of the stuff you're going through. It's tough. I wish I could make it all better, for you and for her, but life's not that easy, I know.
I know you probably hear this WAY too much, but it would be a good idea to get some medical help. The teen years are tough, and you get to grow out of them. But cutting/eating disorders are sometimes hard to drop, even when the reasons for them are gone.
I just want to say - I know your mum might seem annoying to you right now. But some kids do die from eating disorders; she's probably very worried about you. If it was my daughter, I would be.
Hang in there. |
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this blog is for more of the sad stuff in my life. No, I am not depressed, even if it seems like it. I just vent on this blog.
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