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Today Sydney (3) had a half-hour fit over having to eat toast (BREAD) for breakfast. She threw the toast (and herself) on the floor, and after much screaming, whining, and grumping, settled down and was finally obedient enough to pick it up, ask nicely for a tissue, and sit down to eat the toast. (THAT is not the cute part!) This delayed morning devotions for a bit but we finally got to sit down and read Proverbs chapter 31. We are discussing what it means to be virtuous. After reading this passage, I ask if the kids know what "idleness" means. Sydney says "you do not eat the bread". It is very hard for me a few others to contain our laughter (while we remember the earlier "toast issue"). But I manage pretty well and praise her for listening so well during devotions and tell her and the rest of the kids what "idleness" really means! Proverbs 31:27 (talking about a wife of noble character) She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. As far as the other affairs of our household, well, that will have to be in a later post! |
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We successfully suprised Leona with her birthday. She knew it was coming after Bailey's birthday (September). She asked if she would be getting a cake, presents, and get to pick her birthday dinner. I told her we would consider it if we thought she could handle having that much fun. Her lousy behaviors increased for a while (mainly the wetting) and I think it was because she was trying to "wreck" her birthday. So, we didn't tell her it was coming up and we completely surprised her. I picked a dinner out of her long list of favorites- pizza, complete with soy cheese (she's on a gluten-free, milk free diet). Of course, I was informed later that I picked wrong but what do you expect! We gave her only a few small presents...a new princess cup, crayons, and a coloring book. She got a cake and some soy ice cream, also a big treat because I don't often get to make special milk-free items. So here is the picture of her special day:
She got so overstimulated in just the hour-long time we spent having her "party", she could not calm herself while I spent time tucking Josephine in and got jealous when I tickled Josephine (she said "you didn't tickle me!). So I knew that we were in for it at a later date!! She managed to make good choices the next morning (using the potty instead of the diaper) and enjoyed her coloring time for a few days in her book. Overall, she was OK for a few days(OK doesn't mean "normal"--she increased some other behaviors like vomiting her food back up and chewing it and was quite obnoxious about her birthday cake leftovers -I ended up freezing the last piece because she was so overly concerned and worried about it. She also kept interrupting everyone else's "mom time" and more). But then, "it" happened! She was making wrong choices while we were all cleaning the bus (yes, I really mean a bus-I don't think I mentioned it but we recently "upgraded" to a 17 passenger shuttle bus!). She had to sit and be bored while the other kids got to color and so she wet her pants in the bus (I'm so happy she is wearing diapers now!--and she does have to carry a bright green piece of plastic to put on seats she sits on in public). Then, the next day I went to get her out of bed and I found this:
Bet you can't guess what it is??? RAD gone MAD! Red spot on right: blood, she bit her cheeks until they bled and spit the blood all over her bed (not a new trick for her but one she hasn't used in a while). (The gray strips you see are the duct tape that we used to repair the plastic cover on her mattress!). To the left of the gray strips: yellow spot....yes, you guess it...peee! Blue snibbles: pieces of her shirt sleeve that she bit and ripped off. This one's a new trick for her although she has tried to wreck her clothes before, she didn't succeed to this degree. And so, there you have it. What happens at our house when Leona has too much fun! In regards to Josephine, she has settled down for now. Because of her recent outbursts, she is on increased supervision for a while. This means I escort her everywhere, same as Leona and make many of her choices for her. She doesn't really like this but is taking it well. She can't go to her Sunday school and junior church classes until this improves. She was a bit grumpy about that. She had a bad morning before church 2 wks. ago (took some things out of a closet that she was not suppose to have yet and got in trouble for it)-then she had to sit with us in church and so she decided to not "listen" (turning her head when I signed to her). This got her a seat by me, and then she decided not to "listen" again-she got to go to the nursery with me (and the little ones) for a time out then. I really think her outbursts are hormonal in nature and related on the onset of her period. I took her to the doctor and her ran some blood tests (iron, thyroid) and they came back normal. He told me many women who get out of control during their monthly cycle (and I would definitely say she was "out of control", kicking, screaming, spitting, hitting, punching, generally miserable and not "listening"!!), benefit from an antidepressant for the week before their period and a few days at the beginning (10 days total). I don't really like to medicate my children but I think I may try it in addition to some natural treatments. I never thought I would medicate my children but (after trying everything natural I could think of!) the doctor did prescribe some antidepressant medication for Leona that is mostly to help her sleep better at night (Desyrel). This was definiely a small turning point for her probably due to the fact that she got more sleep-prior to that we were pretty sure didn't sleep much at all. I am considering waiting to see if the herbal treatments I've been giving Josephine have started working to stabilize her hormones before giving her the Prozac. I may wait and only begin giving it to her if she has a "bad day". I am praying that the more natural treatments will work instead. It's such a difficult decision. On one hand, I don't even want her to have the "bad" days because she was doing so well (I don't think she wants to have the bad days either, she has apologized for being so out of control but still couldn't seem to be "in control") but on the other hand, I don't want to give her the meds.!! Any suggestions (and much prayer!) would be much appreciated!! On a more positive note, my older girls, ages 15 and 11 are getting into cake decorating. They decorated Leona's cake (above) and made Eric's, Bailey's and Jeremiah's cakes also.
The first one is made with regular icing and the last two are made with something called "fondant" which you roll out like dough. It's very interesting. The last two are gluten free cakes and Leona's was gluten-free and milk-free. We have some yummy recipes that we've finally come up with! Even Eric will eat them so that's quite a compliment! That's it for today...I need to go tend to all my sick kiddos! I had time to do this because I didn't need to help any one with schoolwork today...they are all sick!!! |
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You never know when you may have to hold down a kicking/screaming out of control child for an hour? You suddenly have lots of extra poo/pee laundry to do? You never know when your RAD child will decide to take an extra hour to do her chore EXXXXXTTTTRRRAAA SLLLLOOOOWWLY? You really don't feel like getting out of bed (because sometimes you don't feel like dealing with this!!)? I have owned the book "Managers of their Homes" by the Maxwells for two years now. I read it once and gave up! I am now re-reading it with the intention of making a daily schedule for our house. I have to admit that I am absolutely afraid to schedule my time! I am afraid I will be extra cranky if we get off schedule or something!! And, as you can see by the above examples, it would be very easy to get off schedule around here. I am praying about this while I read the book. On one hand, it would be wonderful if everyone knew what to do and when. It seems like things would be less chaotic and less things would get left undone. But it would also take a lot of getting used to and I'm not sure I'm up for such a big change right now!! Why? Honestly, I am always writing about Leona's challenges and saying that Josephine is doing pretty well. And she was, until she got "hormones" a few months ago. And now, for the week before her monthly cycle, she is a bit out of control (hitting, stealing little things, lying, things she hasn't done since the first few months she was here). That, and I've recently realized that she likes to "play dumb" with her schoolwork more than I originally thought! She doesn't like that I've figured this out. Twice this week, I got to hold her while she was kicking and screaming. Josephine is also not happy about her new sleeping arrangement. Bailey and Rebekah finally got to move into their own room. They were very tired of having their things abused (Josephine likes to throw things!), smelled up, etc! I can't say I blame them and they are older than Leona and Josephine-we never meant for them to stay 4 to a room for this long! Leona is not liking this arrangement either.....I'll give you 3 guesses as to how she is letting us know! Yep, you guessed it....peeing! Thankfully, she has given up on the pooping for now! This makes for a lot of changes......do I want to add the schedule yet???? Actually, I think I will still read the book and pray about it because I can see where it would be very helpful. I guess i would just need to have a plan for the times when, well, things don't go as planned! Please join us in prayer for Josephine as well as Leona! Thanks! |
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Well, it looks like Leona's new hobby might just be "pooping in her pants". She now wears diapers-very big, bulky, adult sized diapers-2 of them to be exact. And sometimes that doesn't hold it all! Yes, gross, I know! But I'll never tell her that! If she knows I think poop is gross and her pooping "hobby" bothers me, she will do it MORE...LOTS MORE! Out of the past 2 weeks, Leona has pooped her pants 7 days. Today, she only chose to pee (twice)-I guess she wanted to cut me a break (just kidding!!). We know she is just doing it to see if we will send her away....she told me we should throw her away in the trash can because she was so stinky. I told her good mom's don't do that to their kids and washed her in the shower.
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Today during devotions, Eric was reading from Proverbs 21. We know at least one of the children was paying attention. In the middle of the reading, Ian (age 7) said "Mom, you can't sleep in anymore or we'll be poor." |
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Step 1. Gather required materials: 7 year old child who has pooped and peed their pants in their room water from shower 5 gallon bucket Step 2: First, make child "ride" to the bathroom in a 5 gallon bucket (formerly used as a night-time potty for same child) to make your clean up easier. Next, make child undress in bathtub, have them put their poopy/pee-pee clothes in a bucket (put lid on TIGHTLY). Turn on shower and rinse remaining poo/pee off. Say: You know, all the bad things we do are called sins. They are kind of like the poop you made in your pants. God doesn't like sin. But, Jesus is like the water. If we ask Him to forgive the bad things we do, He will clean us all up just like this water is cleaning the poop off right now. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Step 3: Sit clean child outside and SANITIZE the bathroom and bedroom. As you might guess, Leona has been backsliding. The last two days (Mon. and Tue.), she decided to try pooping her pants. These were also our first two days of school and, more noteworthy, our first two days of morning devotions/Bible study. Obviously, she does not handle change well. And, of course, we all know what happens when we decide to study the Bible more...the enemy attacks! I have told her that she is not yet ready to do school work and will be required to sit quietly and watch while the other children have school time (about an hour). I also told her that someday, when I think she is ready, I will decide that she can do school work again. I gave her 3 "tests" this summer and she did well with the first 2 (not purposely doing her work wrong) but the third time, she acted like she didn't "understand" at first and then, she purposely got one wrong. (You might wonder how I knew it was on purpose?....she told me which one was wrong while she was not even looking at the paper). On a more positive note, I am so encouraged to see the children (even Ian who just started reading at the end of last school year) bringing their Bibles to the table and wanting to read the verses out loud. I never expected this! We are studying "The Narrow Way" by Pearables and are studying the character trait of "Faith" right now. So, that's the most recent update...please keep us in your prayers! |
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1. You have a child who does the exact opposite of what you say ALL the time. In fact, this child will repeatedly do everything you tell them NOT to. 2. You have a child who can chew the same bite of food for at least an hour. 3. You have a child who, after taking that hour to swallow the bite of food, will vomit it up and chew it again later (especially during "cuddle time" with Mom)....you know, kind of like a cow chews the cud.... 4. Your child refuses to eat or eats massive quantities of food until they are crying because it hurts (and still wants more). 5. You have a child who tells you that "you are a mean Mom", "I don't like you", "this is a poo-poo family" or worse, depending on the negative vocabulary they have been introduced to. 6. You have a child who has been potty trained for a long time but still chooses to put their pee and/or poop in places outside of the bathroom at least once, but probably more like multiple times, a day. We aren't talking "accidents" here. 7. You've seen your child reach down the back of their pants and smear something on the table.. 8. You have a child who has done the above and you have had to respond by saying "WOW, that is such a cool new hobby you have, maybe you could practice it in your room for a half hour so you can be the best butt-crack germ smearer in the world!".. 9. You have a child who has emerged from the bathroom and suddenly decided they want to rub your bare arm or leg (when they normally don't want to touch you). Perplexed, it finally dawns on you that this probably wasn't a friendly gesture. 10. When faced with the above, you had to respond by saying "Here's my arm, if you want, you can spend the next 15 minutes rubbing "potty germs" on it. You might even run to the bathroom and (pretend to) join in the fun. You now escort your child to the bathroom to make sure he/she is not "sharing" any more. 11. Your child regularly threatens to break things, tries to break things (like windows etc.), or run away. Possibly attracts the attention of neighbors while trying to break the window out of the door. 12. You own a door alarm and a security camera because of the above problem (and the below problem). 13. You've found your child playing "the mommy bear kills the baby bear" with your 2 year old. 14. You've had to hold your raging child against her will so no one else would get hurt. I could go on and on here....there are even some worse behaviors that we (praise God) have not experienced but others have....setting fires, mutilating animals-you know....that kind of stuff. (All of the things in the numbered list are our personal experiences) But I'll stop! The reason for this list is just to vent my frustation over other people's reaction to an attachment challenged child. Sometimes, it is even more frustating dealing with these people than it is to deal with Leona's behaviors. I just don't know what they are thinking sometimes! Do they not see the 9 other "normal" children in our family? Don't they see that one out of those 9 is also adopted and doing well? Do they think that we just single out Leona and not let her have any "fun" because we don't like her (Well, she really DOES make it hard to like her!!)? Don't they know what happens when they say she is a "good girl" or "well behaved"? (Once when this happened, she made SURE she wasn't being good by wetting her pants, purposely throwing up on herself and completely losing it!..I hope we're past this point!) It is true that she is always with me (no Sunday School, junior church, no VBS classes unless Eric or I are with her). This is all she can handle for now. She needs to learn what it means to be in a family and receive love first of all. She is emotionally more like a 2-3 year old and that is how she is treated because that is what she needs, not because we want to be mean to her! She DOES get to have fun, just not a lot of fun around people who aren't in our immediate family. That is too stressful for her.. Mostly "fun" for her consists of playing blocks, playing with her doll, coloring, jumping on a trampoline. Keep in mind she doesn't get to roam the house, I KNOW where she is at all times and she needs to stay where I put her. She usually has playtime for an hour or so in the morning and afternoon. It took her months to be able to have this much fun! I know that sounds weird but she was so angry that all she wanted to do was battle and would sabotage any efforts for fun. The nicer we were to her, the more angry she got! When she first started handling little spurts of fun, it was always followed by A LOT of anger! But, praise God, she has even recently been able to do new things like play in the yard with her siblings (supervised!) and even try riding her 2 wheel bike and she did well. OK, I'm done with my ranting.....Now for more of an update: Recent setbacks: I gave Leona something with a little milk in, thinking that the gluten-free, milk-free diet wasn't that important. She had a week and a half of wetting episodes! One day, she even wet 3 times! Yikes! A few days here and there where she got mad and refused to obey. Still not on as large a scale as before. Mostly lasted a few hours each time. Recent progress: I've been able to verbally correct her successfully without her doing the behavior I asked her to stop 500 more times to make me mad! She has stopped wetting again. (No more milk!!!) This could be in part due to our new "game" where Daddy, Josephine and I get a sticker on our part of the game each time she wets her pants. The other teams include lying, new "hobbies" (see number 8 above), and disobeying. They have lots more stickers than we do (we picked these teams carefully!). Interestingly enough, She has even stopped using her "potty bucket" at night/early morning and is just waiting until I come to get her each morning to use the bathroom. She even said she doesn't need the bucket anymore and so she has not had it in her room for about 4 nights. She was not feeling well and came to me for comfort. This is from a girl who fell ALL the way down the stairs and got up and walked back up them by herself-no tears, nothing. She has said "i love you" a few more times and it hasn't been followed by any major downward spiral. (just a note, she has also tried the "I love you" for manipulation too!). She sometimes stops in the middle of saying "i love you" and just can't finish. I tell her that it's OK if she can't say it and it's even Ok if she doesn't love me because I still love her and, even better, God loves her. She smiles a lot more and seems happier. Her angry glare has been replaced by what we call her "duck face" when she is upset. She prays and asks God to help her learn about love. I even heard her say "Thank you for giving me this family"......whoa! There is so much more I could say, I just don't seem to have the time! Again, I want to thank all of you for your prayers for us in this difficult situation. Keep up the great work!
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Since the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" approach was working so well on her talking the wrong way, we decided to see if it would work on a few other things. Mainly, her endless stupid quiestions(yes, I know, I've heard it said that there are no stupid questions BUT...you don't live with Leona!)and annoying chatter. So, I hired all the kids to think of a lot stupid questions they could ask her. The only rule was that she could not be eating while they were asking her. Do you know that 6 kids (and me too!) can come up with A LOT of stupid questions. Hey Leona, how many ears do you have? Do you have 2 eyes or one? Is your hair blond? Hey Leona, what is your name? Am I your sister (boy asking)? It seems to be working quite well! She has actually come to a point where it is difficult for her to stay angry with us (so funny to see this!) so asking her all these questions does not provoke her to wrath (although a few months ago, it may have) and she actually laughs even though she may be a little annoyed. BUT, she started to ask a dumb question and caught herself and turned it into a joke instead. SO, I think it may be working. Of course, she has lost more control and has to try to make up for it in other areas. She went back to her old standby of wetting her pants twice this week. I happily cleaned it up for her "because I love her". She said I was "grumpy" (because I cleaned it). Strange how that works! |
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http://www.globalorphanoutreach.com/index.htm Scroll down to "Click here to listen to speakers" ...Parenting by faith: Dealing with Bonding issues Very encouraging! |
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Well, Leona's pretty good behavior continues. After the last round of good behavior was followed by the worst yet (poop-smearing incident), I was really thinking we were in for it! Well, actually I still am thinking that! She did have a few days of semi-backsliding that included wetting on her bed while she was sitting in her room for an hour. But, she still has some pretty irritating behaviors even on her good days. These include: chattering and singing almost constantly and asking A LOT of questions. Mom, who is that? Who are they married to? Do that person have a brother or sister? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! Most of the time I think she knows the answer already! To remedy this, I've just been having her put her hand over her mouth to remember to be quiet. I don't think it's working very well but it does give our ears a break! Another one of her favorites is asking to use the bathroom frequently when she doesn't really need to. Not sure how to deal with that one! (She still needs to ask permission for everything-that way I know where she is!) By far the one we've had the most fun with is her mispronouncing words on purpose! It didn't work to correct the mispronounciation...NO WAY, that just made her do it even more! So, we've adopted a new method: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Yes, we now clean only the dirky (dirty) park (part) of the floor. And we garden in our rented garden plop (plot). Complendo (Comprehendo)? One night Bailey was "acting" like Leona. It went something like this: Me: (pointing to a spot on the floor) "Bailey, why don't you clean the dirky park of the floor?" Bailey: "Which dirky park? This dirky park?(going in the total opposite direction of where I pointed)" Me: "No, not that one, this one (ponting again)" Bailey: "(going in different opposite direction) This dirky park?" Leona started laughing and laughing as it dawned on her that we knew her "dumbness" was just an act! Then we have the "hard of hearing" act which can be quite frustrating! And the "can't get anything quite right" act. All for control! And she will try her hardest to gain that control! Even if it's negative! Like wetting in her bed every 6 days because I told her she could have a restaurant treat if she went for a whole week being dry! (To remedy that, I took all the kids to Burger King on a day that she wet and got them all restaurant food, including her!). It is so difficult to know what to do though, it took me a LONG time to figure that last thing out! I am thankful to have a God who gives wisdom to those who ask on my side! More updates: Noah: still playing trumpet, buying lots of stuff at yard sales to sell on ebay (says he has to do this because we don't give the him an allowance!) Rebekah: singing and playing the guitar. We recently got a great deal on some intermediate level guitars and amps on cragislist. Bailey and Bekah were so happy! Shaun, Ian, Samuel: LEGOS LEGOS LEGOS! And swimming!
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Leona has found someone new to make mad and it's working really well for her-Praise God! She came up with it almost by herself. Who, you ask? Well....it's the devil. Yes, you read that right, she is trying to make the devil mad-by doing the "good stuff". We have had around 3 weeks of pretty good behavior now and that is nothing short of a miracle. She has had only one episode of wetting in that time and even then, she asked to go to the bathroom to finish instead of letting it all out on the floor! I talk to her frequently about how God wants us to obey Him and that pleases Him. And how Satan tempts us to disobey-and disobeying pleases Satan. But we always have the choice if we will obey or disobey. So she came to the understanding that if we obey God, Satan will be MAD! I told her that since she likes to make people mad so much, perhaps she could try making the devil mad by obeying God (or doing the "good stuff" as she would say). I really didn't think she would take it seriously, but she did. And the change in her has been immense in just a few weeks. "Resist the devil and he will flee from you"..James 4:7 I've thought many times that this is a spiritual battle. The Bible says, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Eph. 6:12. The Bible also says, "Be Sober, Be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour". 1 Peter 5:8 And, Leona (and possibly any adopted child) would be such an easy target. She is already mad, sad, scared, and unsure of our love for her and even God's love for her. In fact, she's not even sure what love really is. The devil does not want Leona to be part of a loving family and especially not part of God's family. I know all this may sound a little crazy to some but this is a MAJOR change! Will it last? I don't know but we are praying that it does. It's so nice to see the "real" little girl under all that anger, hurt, and fear. I still wouldn't consider her completely "normal" (is anyone? I'd just like to take a moment to explain that last statement. Leona was in an orphanage for 2 years of her life. She was very hurt that her birthmom took her there. Children from orphanage settings have many caretakers and often become overly charming to all adults and can "attach"(superficially) easily to any adult. They don't understand what living in a family means. Leona called all the adult females in the orphanage "ma". She has mentioned more than once that she'd like to live elsewhere with this person or that person (even Josephine's audiologist whom she met once for 1/2 hour!). So, as a precaution, and to teach her boundaries and more about living in a family, we asked friends and family not to give her phyical contact, gifts, or food. We have even mentioned this to her and she has been instructed to stay next to Mom or Dad at all times. The latter part is more for safety in case of an anger flare up! One funny thing I'd like to mention is how she always acted grumpy for attention at church...She could put on such a good pitiful act. If you know any families that have children with attachment problems please remember this! Most of the time, she was grumpy because I had done something NICE for her! So, if you are pitying a child with attachment problems, you could very well be saying (although indirectly!) "Oh, you poor dear, I feel so bad for you because you have such a nice Mom who loves you so much and helped you get cleaned up this morning for church!" In addition to the spiritual aspect of RAD, I'd like to mention a few other things I've recently looked into. Neurological reorganization (NR), herbs and vitamins, and a gluten-free, milk free diet. The first, NR, is very interesting. It is based on the theory that, because a child has suffered a trauma, neglect, etc. the "wiring" in the brain has not developed correctly. This is also seen in learning disabilities although slightly different. I have purchased a DVD called "Move to Learn" and plan on doing some of these exercises with Leona. An example of the type of exercises are: hands and knees crawling and belly crawling (there are many more!). You can find out more about this on their website www.movetolearn.com. There are also 2 yahoo groups called adoptbiomed and neuronetwork where you can find more info. There is so much interesting information on these groups that I am SLOWLY digesting it all! It's very interesting and I think I will even try the exercises with Josephine and some of my bio. kids as well. I've been giving Leona some vitamin supplements such as B-complex, some herbal remedies, melatonin (for sleep problems), valerian (nerves and anxiety), and acidophilus. After the first week of improved behavior, I started her on a gluten-free, milk-free diet (GFCF diet). I was encouraged by some other parents on the adoptbiomed group who said how well it worked for their child. And also, by the fact that it was pretty evident that Leona has some digestive distress (bad breath, gas etc.!). This diet would have been such a difficult adjustment to make BUT, I already have two kiddos on a gluten free diet SO it was very easy (our oldest has celiac disease and our bio. 7 yr. old has a gluten allergy)! I think it is definitely worth trying. She did show some more improvement in her moodiness after we started it (and especially with the bad breath and gas!!). Updates on other members of our family (yes, we do have more than one child!!): Bailey: she is trying to graduate high school early, UM, VERY early! She is having fun gardening and, yesterday, pitted A LOT of cherries that we picked. Did I mention that I have the fastest "pickers" around? We picked 30 lbs. of strawberries in about a half-hour! And about the same for the cherries (Blueberries took longer!) Sydney: has decided that since I don't have any baby food (we haven't tried baby food with our 8 month old yet), we could maybe try to feed the baby dog food instead. (We don't have any dog food either, so don't worry!) Josephine: Just got her 2 brand new hearing aids. Pretty pink with pink sparkled earmolds. She loves them. I'll write more on that later! More updates later: I'm going to bed!! |
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I just wanted to share with all of you that Leona has just mentioned that she would rather have stayed at the mission (the orphanage she came from). WHY??? In her own words, "It was easier to make them mad than here(apparently we are doing a pretty good job of hiding our irritation!) and they did not give me hugs and kisses." Pretty sad, huh? Oh, did I mention that I giggled when she said this and she burst into tears? |
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Well, I heard the "I love you" again. Twice before bed she gave me a hug and said "I love you, Mom." I think we're really in for it now-please pray! |
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I'm so new to this concept of attachment problems that I'm really not sure what progress is! I do know that it seems there has been progress in some areas. In fact, two weeks ago, she ran to me and gave me a hug and said "I love you, Mom!" I have NEVER heard those words come out of her mouth before! Now, anyone that has a child with attachment disorder can guess what happened next: a lot of days of bad behavior! And I got so exhausted from those days, I just wanted to QUIT!! But we got through it, with the Lord's help. And she is now back to some pretty good days. There is always some silly thing she does each day...some things worse than others. And she has even said a few times (to make up for her "I love you" slip), that she, in fact, DOES NOT love me!! She tends to seek negative consequences from me, so she can think I am a "mean" mom. It's been a real challenge for me to balance some consequences with doing nice things for her "because I love her". She also seeks things which she can control. For instance, in our house, if you don't eat your food, you get it for the next meal and you don't get to have dessert and lots of times Mom gives you more of what you don't like (see last year's post about BOOT CAMP). This was a big thing for her the past week. She decided to try the "refusal to eat" trick which I hadn't seen in a LONG time! This was something she could control. So I had to rethink my normal "consequences". I won't bore you with all the details...I just began to vary the consequences so she could not be in control. It worked great and she is back to eating normally. Consistency is not so good for a kiddo who seeks control...they learn to manipulate that way. Weird, huh? Normally, being INCONSISTENT is NOT a good way to parent! But weird is the new normal here! We have done some of the weirdest things to make sure she thinks we aren't bothered by some of her behaviors (even though we are bothered!).....screaming contests, bad manners meals, burping contests, etc. On another note, the kids have decided that our next vehicle should be a bus. Just last week, Josephine told me that we should get a big yellow bus. So I did find a smaller one-it's even yellow, complete with the stop sign and flashing lights. All the kids wanted to go look at it right away. You know your family is getting big if your kids start begging for a school bus! Seriously though, we are considering a shuttle-bus type vehicle, just not yellow! School is finally over and I am trying to get the portfolios ready for the eval. It's taking a loooong time! I guess that is because I find other things to do (like blogging) when I have time to work on it! Thanks so much for keeping us in your prayers over the past few months. We can't tell you how much we appreciate this. It has been a very difficult time for our family. We are excited to see what we think is some progress but I do have to say that yesterday was one of the worst we've had for a while. She just could not snap out of her bad mood and it just escalated (into pooping in her pee bucket in her room and then wetting in her pants while she was cleaning the bucket-YIKES!). Later, I was able to have a nice talk with her before bedtime and her anger was resolved. So keep those prayers coming! Have a great night! |
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Friday and Saturday Leona had 2 days of backsliding with the wetting issue. Today she was dry again. But I have not had to "hold" her while she is letting her anger out since Wednesday. She is enjoying more privileges and our home seems slightly more relaxed as compared with Jan.-March. I have given her a few privileges that she didn't earn "just because I love her". I've had a few emails asking what to do about those annoying behaviors....well, being so new at this, I don't feel qualified to answer that question but I will tell you some things we have done that seem to help. For example, yesterday I told her she should come in to the kitchen from the dining room and she just stayed at the table. I was pretty sure she heard me. When I told her to go to the kitchen, I was on my way to do something quick. When I got back into the kitchen, I said "Oh, I see you aren't obeying today (you have to say it nicely, without irritation!)". She said "What, I didn't hear you!", I said "Yes you did!", She said "No, I didn't, if I would have heard you, I would have come in there!" (Yes, she really thinks I am that dumb!!). So I calmly told her that it seemed like her ears needed some exercise so she could hear better so I would give her an extra 5 minutes of running to help her ears hear. I make her do 10 minutes of running and 10 minutes of jumping on a mini-trampoline each day to help tire her out because she doesn't sleep well. A few months back, I would've second guessed myself and thought that maybe she really didn't hear me but, now, I know better. She can be very convincing. But, this is just another one of her controlling behaviors. Today, it seems that she "forgot" how to stay on the trampoline and "fell" off twice in the span of 10 minutes (she's been doing this for a month now and has never fallen off). I gave her an extra 5 minutes of jumping to "practice" not falling off. If she does not want to do her running, I give her the option of doing "bad running" for 30 minutes or "good running" for 10 minutes. Usually, when she "forgets" something it is just an act. Like when in the last row of her math work, she suddenly "forgets" how to do the work. If I circle the problems she has wrong, she might do something like changing the answers on all the ones that aren't circled. The first few months she was home, I actually believed that she truly was struggling to learn. She does have a visual disability and nystagmus (her eyes move quickly back and forth due to her albinism) and I thought this was part of it. I now know better! I quit the battle with the schoolwork by telling her I didn't think she was ready for school and I would let her know when I thought she was. I don't think this is the best option but I could do it because, in our state, she doesn't have to be registered for homeschool until age 8. I have since realized that I need to start working with her again and take her control away in this area also. I will probably be doing some summer school with her. Courtney, the mom I gave a link to in my previous post, says if they want to battle like this during school or even for chores (scrubbing the same spot for hours, refusing to work etc.) that you should just tell them you will do the work for them because you love them so much. This REALLY works. BUT, believe me, this is the last thing you will feel like doing!! I still get irritated (but I don't let it show!). If you let irritation show, they are winning! At first, we used many ideas in the Nancy Thomas book (When Love is Not Enough) but I can honestly say they did not work as well for us as Courtney's idea does. Some things, in the Nancy Thomas book did work well for us. Such as giving Leona "practice time" for annoying habits. Like burping, slobbering, sticking her tongue out, repeating certain words A LOT etc. I told her "Oh, I see you have a new hobby, I want you to get really good at it so I will give you 15 minutes outside (or in your room) to practice it." This has stopped most of the annoying behaviors pretty quickly. It even worked temporarily for peeing her pants. I gave her 15 minutes to stand in the bathtub or outside and pee her pants so she could get really good at it. She never did pee at "pee practice time". One thing in the Nancy Thomas book that really didn't work was the idea of earning certain privileges. She did not care at all and did not want any privileges. She only wanted to make us mad! So, I started giving her some unexpected privileges and telling her that I did it because I love her. This really causes her to have a downward spiral sometimes but she is getting better at handling "fun". The most recent battle we took care of was her hair. When I did her hair, it was sure to be wet with pee. So I only did it occasionally. Last week, she purposely lost the new hairband I gave her and so I told her "Oh, I see you didn't want those braids in, I will take them out for you, It's OK." Eric decided she should get a hair cut which I thought was a good idea but I didn't want it to seem mean and make her look goofy. We did eventually decide that the haircut was the best option. So, Eric shaved her hair to 1/2 inch. She was mad at first but then asked me if I ever saw any girls with short hair. I told her I did and she got over her anger pretty quickly. We did this in love, telling her that we wanted to help make it easier for her to take care of her hair. Motherhood does take quite a bit of self-control sometimes. Not only with Leona but also with our biological kids. Two nights ago, Ian was sick with a stomach virus. He came downstairs and told me that everything he touched felt funny (strangely enough, I actually think I have heard one of my other kids say that before but I wasn't prepared for his next statement...)and my mouth feels really big. It took all the self-control I had to hold in my laughter over that one! I quickly got him a drink and put him back to bed so I could roll on the floor laughing. After all, a merry heart doeth good like medicine! Have a great day! |
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The title of this post contains actual words that came out of Leona's mouth on Monday (she was not talking to me..I just overheard!). It is truly a miracle that she is beginning to think this. I tell her this almost every night and every time I need to "hold" her while she lets out her anger. Usually while she is "letting it out", it includes insulting me, calling me a liar and a mean Mom and telling me how much she doesn't like me! Later in the day, after she said the above words, she made herself vomit (new trick!) and then had much anger to let out. She has been slowly improving but has made a large leap that I am hoping will last. I think I mentioned that we put a door alarm on her room and she had to wait to be let out to use the bathroom. I know this made her very angry that she had to wait and she wet her bed almost every morning before I came in. We tried using diapers but she just wet through them (she pees very fast and it leaks out before soaking in). I decided to give her a 5 gal. bucket with a lid to use to pee in her room if she wanted. She has been using it every day...which means DRY clothes and bed!! YAY!! She is very happy about it and so are we. In fact, she was so happy that she just couldn't calm herself down for a few days. She was very annoying! But annoying in a way that I haven't seen for a while! I did have to send her outside to practice some new habits she acquired in her "happiness" like saying the word "bummer" every 2 minutes, slobbering, and sticking her tounge out. Thankfully, she decided she didn't want to fully develop these new habits, and chose instead to dance in the yard and forget about them. Which brings me to the real reason I wanted to post! I know many of my posts have probably been portraying adoption in a mostly negative light which I don't mean at all to do. I really think adoption is a wonderful thing-it has taught me many things and given me a little bit better understanding of God's unconditional love, But it hasn't been easy! I think every adoptive parent should know this! At first, I thought "Oh they're just kids, how hard can it be-I mean we have 8 biological kids(well, 7 at the time)?" Well, it can be hard! The bond is definitely not the same as it is for your biological children. I wasn't prepared for it to be so different! I certainly wasn't prepared to have a child who would try ANYTHING to make sure I don't love her! This ANYTHING included: wetting her pants and lying (which were the ones that really got me!), but it also included some of the dumbest things you would never think of! It did begin with chewing a huge mouthful of food for a LONG time and refusing to eat. At the time, I thought she was just copying my picky eater (he didn't chew forever though). She would do many other little, yet irritating, things too. Like "forgetting" how to button her shirt, zip her coat or sweater, buckle her seat belt, how to do the math school work she had been doing for weeks or months, how to write her letters, how to put her clothes on facing the right way, how to put her shoes on, how to open the door, and how to do her chore that she had been doing fine for a while. She also farted (sorry if anyone is offended by that!) A LOT! And picked her nose and ate it. Now, imagine this if you will.....your biological child is doing something irritating...we'll just use the picking your nose and eating it example, you get grossed out and say something like "That is so gross, stop it!". So they stop and may even say a half-hearted "sorry". Picture the same scenario with some adopted children (who have attachment issues)...only what they will do (instead of stopping) is make sure that they do it 10 times more to irritate you!! That is their goal, to irritate you and make you angry so they can be in control--they want to be in control! No one who hasn't been through will understand either. People will think you are crazy...perhaps even your husband because Mom's are usually the target. Their old Mom gave them away and they are MAD and the new Mom gets to pay for it!! If you have an adopted child who does any of the above things, think attachment problems! We wasted months thinking it was just really weird kid behaviors and disciplined her for some of the things she was doing. This just made it worse....don't waste that precious time. Start now! Take the control away from them so they can start to heal. When you do, it will get worse, but then it will get better a little bit at a time. And you will hear them say "Mom is keeping me forever and she's not going to send me away." I've recently had the privilege of talking with a mom named Courtney who has been through attachment problems and her children have healed. I am so thankful for her suggestions and encouragement. Her blog is at http://storinguptreasuresinheaven.blogspot.com/. She feels the Lord is leading her to help struggling families like us! Thank you again for your prayers! Have a great evening! |
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Well, I didn't get to write the update I wanted to exactly WHEN I wanted to! Life around here is never boring and I don't get to the computer much! A few days before my last post, we had a small breakthrough with Leona. In short, she admitted that all the naughty things she was doing were because she didn't want anyone to love her. It went something like this: Leona,(in a very loud crying voice)," I DON'T WANT NOBODY TO LOVE ME, I DON'T WANT YOUR GUYS TO LOVE ME OR NOBODY TO LOVE ME!!"(excuse the bad grammar!) Me: "Oh so that's why you've been doing all these naughty things.....?" Leona: " Yep, 'cause I don't want nobody to love me." After this, we had 2 VERY BAD days and then we actually had a string of 4 really good days. Now it's mostly ups and downs. One thing that I have noticed is there are some things she is obeying about. Such as, I asked her to spread the rag out over the bucket when she was done cleaning so it doesn't start to smell bad and she has done this EVERY time without exception. Although, this seems small, it's actually a big improvement since most times when I asked her to do something, she did the EXACT opposite. For instance, if I asked her to scrub a certain spot on the floor, she would scrub every place BUT that spot!! On the other hand, we've also had a few more days where she needed restraining so she didn't break a window or something. We also installed a door alarm on her room because she had been making threats, mostly to do "something naughty" but also to "run away down the street". I am thankful that I will know if she leaves her room (she only tested this once during the day). She is not happy about it at night and has decided to give up the wetting during the day in favor of wetting in the morning so she can blame me for not getting there soon enough to let her go pee. Well, that was until 2 days ago, when she admitted that she was wetting in her bed on purpose (um, no suprise!!-my older daughter said she wet each morning a few minutes before I went in! She would hear Bekah move around in her bed and then...the flood would begin!). It was actually kind of amusing how she admitted this-I even got some of it on video! I went into her room where she had been scrubbing to make the room clean and fresh smelling. She had missed 2 large areas of the floor (on purpose to make me mad!). I went in and told her that, because I love her, I was going to scrub those 2 spots she missed. She was mad! She said I was a mean Mom! I said "Why, because you didn't make me mad??!" She got very agitated (but amazingly she wasn't screaming!) and said "Yeah, I been trying really hard to do all these things to make you mad so you don't love me and it's not working!" "I peed in my bed for 25 days and it isnt' even working cause you won't stop (loving her!)" I didn't have the camera on at first so the part we recorded was more me asking her questions and her answering them in the same way! It's very eye opening to watch. Imagine, feeling like you need to try SO hard to make people NOT love you! A few days prior to that, I helped her get a bath (ater she wet-I usually don't help her clean up at all) and told her I'd do it because I love her. She screamed and cried at the top of her lungs "I DON'T WANT A MOM TO LOVE ME!" over and over for the whole bath. Each night, we have cuddle time. At first, she did not like this at all. I think she actually likes it now although I don't know if she would admit it! At first, when we tried this new approach to her attachement issues, she was VERY ANGRY, treating the other children very mean. She doesn't have many privileges right now and I don't allow her to play with the smaller kids unless she is supervised. I make all her decisions for her-what she eats, what she wears, what she does and when she does it. Kind of like you do for a baby or toddler. She has no toys or clothes in her possession, I keep them all and give them to her when she is allowed to use them. The only thing she has are her glasses and a hairband and she has tried multiple times to break the glasses! She needs this control placed on her so she can feel that she is safe and we will take care of her. We are praying that will happen soon and that the Lord would heal her heart and allow her to receive, and eventually give, love. We are grateful to have many people praying for us and we go through this challenge. I do need to add a story about Josephine here because I think it's pretty amazing (and completely opposite of Leona). She made a picture with everyone in the family's name on it and wrote "love" underneath all the names (she has never signed "i love you" in return, although we sign it to her every night) How sweet! Have a great evening!!
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For a change, I am going to write about something other than Leona! But keep those prayers coming on her behalf (and ours)-we may have had a bit of a breakthrough. At this point, I think it's too early to tell so I will fill in the details in a few days! Today, I am writing about some awesome alternatives to cable TV and all those movies that you want to watch but...well, they just aren't appropriate. A few years back, we decided to cancel our cable TV. We found a wonderful alternative to it called Sky Angel, which at that time was a satellite based company with Christian programming. They have since turned into IPTV-Internet TV, brought to you through your cable modem. They offer 2 different packages, a faith package for 14.99 per month which includes about 30 TV channels and 20 radio channels and a family package for 19.99 per month which includes channels like Fox news, Hallmark, Discovery and a few sports channels. You can get both packages together for 24.99 per month. This is a wonderful alternative to mainstream TV with many Christian channels. I still need to tell the kids they can't watch certain things and I don't really like the evolution viewpoint presented on Discovery channel but it is FAR better than what we had with cable. There are many good creation science shows on also and many Christian movies and worshp services. It has been a blessing to our family. Find out more at www.skyangel.com. A few years ago, we rented edited DVD's but the companies are no longer allowed to edit the movies because they got sued. Now, there is a great alternative called Clear Play. We got one of these for Christmas and it is great! It's a DVD player that filters the movies while you watch them. See more at www.clearplay.com . You download the filters onto a USB stick and plug it into the DVD player. It's great! Of course, even with the filtering, some movies still aren't appropriate for children (or even adults for that matter!). We all joked about how some movies would probably be only about 15 minutes long when all the "bad" things were cut out! |
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Well, today Leona had her first WHOLE good day. From what we've been experiencing the past few months, it is a miracle that we are very thankful for. She has had a few days that were partially good but it never lasts long. For instance, just last week, we had a "Mommy meltdown" day. I didn't get much sleep and had some sort of virus and Leona was at her "best" (um, worst really!). She needed to go outside to "cool off" from her very loud annoying fit. She was sitting semi-quietly on a chair when I left her and came in to make a phone call to Eric (went upstairs so I could hear). He asked the wrong question (How is your day?) and I started to cry. Then kids started yelling that the neighbors were at the door and I came down to realize Leona had been beating her fists against the back door and screaming (no, I really didn't hear her!). So, while I was still crying, I had to go apologize to our "neighbors" (employees from the business next door) since Leona had disrupted their workday. How embarrassing! Two days ago, she had a huge fit so I was holding her and she was screaming at me ("I don't like you" "You are naughty" "I am going to run away down the street" "I want water"). We decided to break out the video camera. She has stopped wetting in her bed. Well, sort of. She has taken more to peeing during the day. A few times she was sitting on her bed when she wet. She has been getting a lot of cleaning practice. Yesterday, she broke her deodorant (all over the floor). She had to clean it up and I told her to put the pieces in the trash can. Later I realized that she put the pieces in the other girls' clean clothes pile. I told her she would have to wash the clothes in the bathtub. She said she "thought it (the pile of clothes) was the trashcan." Um, OK, sure! We have all taken to singing songs with the word "happy" in them. It helps us get less irritated (well, at least helps us not show our irritation!). It works very well. We sing "Happy Day (when Jesus washed my sins away)", "I have the Joy, Joy, Joy down in my heart", "If you're happy and you know it", and others. We are praying that the Lord would heal her hurt and help her to trust us. It is only through Him that this can occur. |
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Hi! I had a few requests for the titles of the books I read so here goes: When Love is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas Can this Child be Saved? by Foster Cline Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes Parenting the Hurt Child (there is also a book by the same author called "Adopting the Hurt Child") I liked the first 2 books I listed the best and found them to be the most helpful. They offered many suggestions on how to deal with the abnormal behaviors that I found most irritating (wetting and lying for us but many others are also listed). There are a few websites also: ATTACh.org, and more materials by Nancy Thomas at her website (nancythomasparenting.com) I just saw a few excerpts from the book 99 Ways to Drive a Child Sane and it looked kind of fun. Hope this is of some help! Have a great night! |